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...The last one standing.


Matty

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Well, I never knew I'd be writing this on an online forum, but here goes.

I had two brothers who died. In 1984, my younger brother died in a horrific accident that I personally witnessed and my older brother died of AIDS in 1992. I was 7 when my younger brother died and 15 when my older brother died.

Immediately after each event, I didn't have strong emotional episodes. Strangely, I kept an even keel. I think this is due to some involuntary mechanism in my brain that suppressed the pain. That said, I would often wake up in the middle of the night panicked or be confronted with the reality of what I'd gone through at completely random times while doing something unrelated and when I was otherwise content and happy.

My parents didn't arrange any kind of psychological counseling for me after my brothers' deaths and I believe this is because 1) they were dealing with their own problems and 2) I didn't give off any real signs that I was troubled. In hindsight, it seems unconscionable that a parent wouldn't have encouraged their child to pursue counseling, but I don't blame them for that.

Growing up, the experiences I'd gone through were a part of who I was; a part of my "story." I didn't fight it, I didn't mask it with substances, I didn't blame anyone and I wasn't necessarily angry.

About two months ago, I began working from home. I am in my office for most of the day and the house is quiet. For some reason, after transitioning from my 9-5 office job where I worked among colleagues to a self-employment situation by myself, I've been thinking more and more about what I've been through. And while it's been 19 years since my older brother died and 26 since my younger brother died, it was only recently that the words "it's not fair" crept into my brain. Yes, with the solitude of my new work environment comes much more time to think. And the more I think, the more noise my brain makes.

This many years on and I'm feeling their absence more acutely than I ever have.

I am glad this forum exists and I hope I can take an active part in what you have going on here. As I'm sure you know, it's really hard for others who haven't gone through this to understand the nature of it. And, as evidenced by me, even those who have experience it in different ways.

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Well, I never knew I'd be writing this on an online forum, but here goes.

I had two brothers who died. In 1984, my younger brother died in a horrific accident that I personally witnessed and my older brother died of AIDS in 1992. I was 7 when my younger brother died and 15 when my older brother died.

Immediately after each event, I didn't have strong emotional episodes. Strangely, I kept an even keel. I think this is due to some involuntary mechanism in my brain that suppressed the pain. That said, I would often wake up in the middle of the night panicked or be confronted with the reality of what I'd gone through at completely random times while doing something unrelated and when I was otherwise content and happy.

My parents didn't arrange any kind of psychological counseling for me after my brothers' deaths and I believe this is because 1) they were dealing with their own problems and 2) I didn't give off any real signs that I was troubled. In hindsight, it seems unconscionable that a parent wouldn't have encouraged their child to pursue counseling, but I don't blame them for that.

Growing up, the experiences I'd gone through were a part of who I was; a part of my "story." I didn't fight it, I didn't mask it with substances, I didn't blame anyone and I wasn't necessarily angry.

About two months ago, I began working from home. I am in my office for most of the day and the house is quiet. For some reason, after transitioning from my 9-5 office job where I worked among colleagues to a self-employment situation by myself, I've been thinking more and more about what I've been through. And while it's been 19 years since my older brother died and 26 since my younger brother died, it was only recently that the words "it's not fair" crept into my brain. Yes, with the solitude of my new work environment comes much more time to think. And the more I think, the more noise my brain makes.

This many years on and I'm feeling their absence more acutely than I ever have.

I am glad this forum exists and I hope I can take an active part in what you have going on here. As I'm sure you know, it's really hard for others who haven't gone through this to understand the nature of it. And, as evidenced by me, even those who have experience it in different ways.

Hi Matty,

I had a brother who died in a car accident when I was 14 and he was 21. My parents, too, didn't get us any counseling or talk to us about it. I think that was because nobody thought about it back then. Anyway, I went for years and didn't think I was really affected until I had my own children. Then I realized that my ridiculous paranoia about being out after dark, or riding in others' cars and my anxiety over odd little things was all related to the trauma I experienced when my brother died.

Also, my mother seemed to handle it well until she was much older. Now, she is angry and bitter and feels cheated. So, I can understand exactly how you are feeling, despite that fact that your losses happened so many years ago. I can't seem to figure out how all that works, but well, I guess we all experience grief and loss in our own personal way.

I look forward to getting to know you,

ModKonnie

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