Tough Day

[KG21]

Today was one of the hardest days I’ve had so far. Every day has been tough, but today I felt it in my bones. On Wednesday it will be one month since my love, Ronnie, died. I cried(wailed) on my drive to work. I haven’t been able to drive without crying yet. I don’t know what it is about driving. It doesn’t seem to matter if the radios on or it’s silent, I just get so lost in my own head. I guess there are just memories everywhere I go. Anyway, I got to work and had to sit in my car for ten minutes. I composed myself enough to make it to my classroom (I’m a teacher), and completely lost it. No students were there yet, and I ended up calling the office (they have given me an emergency button per se) to have someone come cover me for a bit. I went down to the guidance room and cried some more. Forty five minutes later, I made it to my classroom, completed my day, and cried the entire way home. I’ve been home a few hours now, and my dad came and joined me for dinner, but I can’t stop crying. I just don’t know what to do. I’ve tried breathing exercises, visualizations, crying, and I just can’t seem to stop tonight. I’m not sure if I’m finally out of shock or if some days just knock you down more than others. It just feels so unbearable. I just miss him so much. I’d do anything just to feel his arms around me. 

[Tami M]

I am so sorry you are going through this.  Remember you are really early in your journey.  I generally call someone on my ride to and from work. I don't call every time but I do alot of them.  It is just habit. DH and I always called and talked while we were on our way home from work.  I call someone and talk about the "wins" of the day.  Trying to focus on positive.  

I also do something that forces my mind to work.  I make lists of my old teachers, pets, ect.  Maybe try to list the members of your classes from early in your teaching career.  

Many hugs.

[KG21]

Thank you for the ideas @Tami M. I really appreciate you taking the time to respond. I’ll try making some lists tomorrow or calling someone. You are right, we used to always call each other on our drives too. Makes sense why my mind automatically goes there. 

[KayC]

In my early years I had a 100 mile commute/day and remember having to pull off the hwy because I couldn't see through my tears.  You are not alone.
 

15 hours ago, Tami M said:

Trying to focus on positive.

 

15 hours ago, Tami M said:

I also do something that forces my mind to work.

 

15 hours ago, Tami M said:

I am so sorry you are going through this.  Remember you are really early in your journey.  I generally call someone on my ride to and from work. I don't call every time but I do alot of them.  It is just habit. DH and I always called and talked while we were on our way home from work.  I call someone and talk about the "wins" of the day.  Trying to focus on positive.  

I also do something that forces my mind to work.  I make lists of my old teachers, pets, ect.  Maybe try to list the members of your classes from early in your teaching career.  

Many hugs.

I love all of these ideas!!

[GoldenRose]

Sorry you had such a hard day @KG21, I think some days just hurt more than others. I have felt like the las couple of days have really taken me to the horrible place I was when my husband first died. At first I thought maybe I was taking a step backward, but then I realized every part of grief is normal. It is the worst to have such sad days though, the pain of grieving the person you loved most is so sharp. I believe and hope in time, the acuteness and sharpness will lessen. While yesterday may have felt like a loss, I think you should consider it a win. Yes you cried and barely made it, but you made it! Against all odds, and with horrible sadness, you still showed up and did your best. One of my favorite mottos is "Do your best and forget the rest." I hope today is better for you, and that tomorrow is another baby step toward the right direction. No matter what that baby step looks like, we are all proud of you and understand what you're going through. Virtual hug!

[RN-Nix]

Oh my I sooooo feel your pain. I'm sorry your day was a rough one. I would be lying if I said that was your roughest day. This process is a roller coaster. That's why I can't stress enough how I take it 1 hour at a time. I've cried soooooo much that I felt as if I was going leave this earth from crying (if that's ever killed anyone before) the crazy part is I didn't care because this is a painful part of life. Before going in to work I would find a place in the park to bawl my eyes out...compose myself and then go inside . I would go to the bathroom and cry (you're a teacher so it's harder to do so on a whim). I could not wait for lunch and I would run to the park and bawl!!!! It would just hit me that he is gone at different times and never coming back. Unfortunately we are on a roller-coaster.  Some days we are up and can push through and other days we are down in that valley and the weight of the world is falling on us. I pass the exit to his town and where he is buried  in the mornings and on my way home and as I get closer to the bridge I always feel myself tearing up and then I see the model car that he drove. Sometimes I would see 2 another time on the bridge I was sandwiched by THREE and I took that as a sign that he was comforting me so I stiffled my tears because I knew he sent those signs to show me he knows  I'm sad but he he there . I myself am in shock and you may be too. Look for those small signs they will make you smile because he is sending them to comfort you . Sending you a HUGE hug!!!!!

[Canadagirl81]

You aren't alone. I am so sorry for the loss of Ronnie. I understand completely. I loss my Glenn just days before your heartbreaking loss. I don't know what it is about driving in the car but I also lose it when I'm in there. You are so brave and so strong. Keep flowing with the emotions. Ronnie is right with you. 

[Roseapple]

On 3/8/2022 at 1:21 AM, KG21 said:

I cried(wailed) on my drive to work. I haven’t been able to drive without crying yet.

Oh I know, whenever I’m in the car… 

There will be so many ups and downs, you will slowly learn to feel all this emotions. You will change throughout this. You are not alone ❤️