I can't cope with the loss of my love

[unmukt]

I have recently lost the love of my life to blood cancer. I don't know how to live this life without him. We both were 25 years of age this year, and he had to leave me for this dreadful illness. I don't know how to cope with this severe pain of realising that he is not around. I want to be with him, hug him, paint together, dream together . This life doesn't seem possible to live without him . I wish I could just go to him right now. At this moment, people around me don't even allow me to cry since they worry. But i don't know what else to do anymore, i have nothing left in me. I feel dead inside

[widower2]

I'm so terribly sorry for your loss. I admit I don't understand people you know that "don't allow" you to cry. They are NOT in charge of your life, and you need to mourn. If you need to cry, then cry. If they don't like it, too bad. 

This will take time to work your way through, but believe it or not, you can do it. Of course you are welcome to unload here however you need to...people here "get it" and we will not judge or try to tell you what to do or how to do it. 

[unmukt]

18 minutes ago, widower2 said:

I'm so terribly sorry for your loss. I admit I don't understand people you know that "don't allow" you to cry. They are NOT in charge of your life, and you need to mourn. If you need to cry, then cry. If they don't like it, too bad. 

This will take time to work your way through, but believe it or not, you can do it. Of course you are welcome to unload here however you need to...people here "get it" and we will not judge or try to tell you what to do or how to do it. 

I just lock my door and keep crying. I feel so alone in a world which constantly tells me to be strong and move on when it is not possible for me to even survive a day. I am just very very alone ...and thank you for replying. 

[KayC]

I am glad you found your way here, it helps to know there are others who "get it" and understand.  I hope you will continue to come here, a place like this saved me when I went through it.  I want to be here for others going through it.  My heart goes out to you, it's very hard when you're so young, it seems to me you have more to mourn, the loss of dreams/future.  Disenfranchised Grief: Mourning the Loss of a Dream

For everything there is a season,
A time for every activity under heaven.
A time to be born and a time to die.
A time to plant and a time to harvest.
A time to kill and a time to heal.
A time to tear down and a time to build up.
A time to cry and a time to laugh.
A time to grieve and a time to dance.
A time to scatter stones and a time to gather stones.
A time to embrace and a time to turn away.
A time to search and a time to quit searching.
A time to keep and a time to throw away.
A time to tear and a time to mend.
A time to be quiet and a time to speak.
A time to love and a time to hate.
A time for war and a time for peace.

Ecclesiastes 3
 

Quote this to those who say you shouldn't cry, you shouldn't mourn, to move on.  No, there is no "moving on" from this, there is only processing it, learning to adjust and cope as best as you can, but never do we "move on"...it's been nearly 17 years for me, I think of him each and every day and love and miss him continually...

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

 

[unmukt]

15 minutes ago, KayC said:

I am glad you found your way here, it helps to know there are others who "get it" and understand.  I hope you will continue to come here, a place like this saved me when I went through it.  I want to be here for others going through it.  My heart goes out to you, it's very hard when you're so young, it seems to me you have more to mourn, the loss of dreams/future.  Disenfranchised Grief: Mourning the Loss of a Dream

For everything there is a season,
A time for every activity under heaven.
A time to be born and a time to die.
A time to plant and a time to harvest.
A time to kill and a time to heal.
A time to tear down and a time to build up.
A time to cry and a time to laugh.
A time to grieve and a time to dance.
A time to scatter stones and a time to gather stones.
A time to embrace and a time to turn away.
A time to search and a time to quit searching.
A time to keep and a time to throw away.
A time to tear and a time to mend.
A time to be quiet and a time to speak.
A time to love and a time to hate.
A time for war and a time for peace.

Ecclesiastes 3
 

Quote this to those who say you shouldn't cry, you shouldn't mourn, to move on.  No, there is no "moving on" from this, there is only processing it, learning to adjust and cope as best as you can, but never do we "move on"...it's been nearly 17 years for me, I think of him each and every day and love and miss him continually...

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

 

Thank you for these words. I might be coming back here since I have no one to share...i face waves of grieving, which seem immense at times. I have also felt like now my living has no purpose and it is the weakest i have felt.. atleast if someone understands me out here gives me a sense of validation and acknowledgement. 

[GoldenRose]

Hello @Gagarina Nath, I am 25 also. The love of my life passed away a month ago. I may not understand 100% how you feel but I think I have a pretty good idea. 
I feel that everything good in me, died with him. That I am only the shell of the person I used to be. I no longer have interest in anything, and I truly wish I was dead with him. 
My husband committed suicide, and I have had to witness first hand the complete devastation that comes along with that. I think of all the pain and sadness that death goes hand in hand with, and I realize no matter the issue, that is not the solution. 
Grief is difficult as I’m sure you already know. It’s all consuming, tiring, overwhelming, depressing and very very sad. It’s complicated and messy and takes time. It is not the end of us however and with some effort, we can make it. We may never heal (although my therapist insists I will) but we will find happiness again. In the meantime, I suggest you follow @KayC ‘s advice and stay active on the forum. It really helps. 
You are not alone in your sadness, we are here. Your life is not over, just on a temporary pause. 
The pain is excruciating, but you will have relief soon. 

[unmukt]

3 minutes ago, GoldenRose said:

Hello @Gagarina Nath, I am 25 also. The love of my life passed away a month ago. I may not understand 100% how you feel but I think I have a pretty good idea. 
I feel that everything good in me, died with him. That I am only the shell of the person I used to be. I no longer have interest in anything, and I truly wish I was dead with him. 
My husband committed suicide, and I have had to witness first hand the complete devastation that comes along with that. I think of all the pain and sadness that death goes hand in hand with, and I realize no matter the issue, that is not the solution. 
Grief is difficult as I’m sure you already know. It’s all consuming, tiring, overwhelming, depressing and very very sad. It’s complicated and messy and takes time. It is not the end of us however and with some effort, we can make it. We may never heal (although my therapist insists I will) but we will find happiness again. In the meantime, I suggest you follow @KayC ‘s advice and stay active on the forum. It really helps. 
You are not alone in your sadness, we are here. Your life is not over, just on a temporary pause. 
The pain is excruciating, but you will have relief soon. 

Hello , i am so so sorry for your loss. I can imagine what depths of pain you must be going through and i really feel blessed that you have commented here for me. 

We were two crazy souls in love for so many years and i have not known any happiness apart from him. We were dreaming of so many things together and what a happy soul he was ! He was my light and my love . Everyday I felt he was so immensely perfect i didn't even deserve him. He loved me more than anyone in this entire world.  Out of a sudden, in a week after shifting to our new home, he got diagnosed with cancer which took his life. We didn't had the chance to prepare for something of this depth of terribleness or even say goodbye. It's just moments where I want him so bad, moments where I have to talk to him, hug him, be there for him. Or even think of a way that somehow if i could have saved him. I know this grief is so painful but I just don't want to let go. I want to hold on since this is all I have of him. My baby , my angel wherever he is , i just pray he hears me, watches over me and is there.

[GoldenRose]

4 hours ago, Gagarina Nath said:

It's just moments where I want him so bad, moments where I have to talk to him, hug him, be there for him. Or even think of a way that somehow if i could have saved him. I know this grief is so painful but I just don't want to let go. I want to hold on since this is all I have of him.

I think everyone here can relate to this @Gagarina Nath, little moments hurt the most. What I wouldn't give for another tight hug, to be sleeping at night and be able to cuddle up next to him, or to look at my husband across the room and get to see his wonderful smile. Grief is different for anyone, and you don't need to let go. Not now and not ever if you never feel like it. I like to wear my husbands shirts or sweaters when I need a hug from him. I like to bring him up in conversations and when I have gotten family "thank you for your love and support" gifts, I sign my husbands name with mine. You too can find small things that help. There is no rush to get out of grief, in fact, accepting every emotion you get and allowing yourself to feel it helps. 

He seems like a very wonderful man, who did everything he could to let you know how much he loved you. You can carry that love with you always. Hope you can let us know how you are feeling later. 

[John rowgo]

I'm so sorry for your loss. Greiving has know time table or rules.  Everyone handles it in there own way. I lost my wife December 3rd 2021. She was 55 we were married 36 yrs together 40. HS sweethearts. Believe me i know how lost and scared you are.

[Jen H]

Everyone here has different stories and situations but we all feel the same emotions and heartache.  We all are here for you.  No one else can completely understand.  Come here whenever you need to vent or to not feel so alone.  

[RN-Nix]

Hi there I'm so sorry you are having to join us here. I too just lost my love to blood cancer. Your pain is real and I too feel the same. You will feel so many different emotions and in the beginning they will all hit you at once. Keep coming here to vent because we understand. Sending you a big hug.

[KayC]

18 hours ago, John rowgo said:

I'm so sorry for your loss. Greiving has know time table or rules.  Everyone handles it in there own way. I lost my wife December 3rd 2021. She was 55 we were married 36 yrs together 40. HS sweethearts. Believe me i know how lost and scared you are.

I am so sorry for your loss, and you are absolutely right about everyone's journey being unique, which stands to reason, we are all unique and so were our relationships! I'm glad you found your way here, it can be very helpful to share with others here who understand.

I hope you'll download/print this, this is an every evolving journey, something may not strike you now, but may later on.

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

[widower2]

  

On 3/7/2022 at 2:12 AM, Gagarina Nath said:

I just lock my door and keep crying. I feel so alone in a world which constantly tells me to be strong and move on

Tell "the world" to shove it. What a totally idiotic and grossly insensitive thing for anyone to even think, let alone say. I've used this analogy before, but I think that if someone had said that to me in those early days, I would have said "wait here" and then came back with a baseball bat and whacked them upside the head...then as they lay there in agony, I would have went "be strong" and "move on." Unbelievable. 

[KayC]