Members Popular Post William M Posted March 6, 2022 Members Popular Post Report Share Posted March 6, 2022 Hi everyone. I've been keeping busy, as I move well into month 3. As mentioned before, I've gotten into a kinda robotic existence.During the week I work, come home and tend to the dogs, clean a little, cook dinner, watch a little TV, and then sleep. Weekends have been devoted to "The big project" almost since her death. Shortly after I lost her, I felt the need to get the house in order. So I've been buying several of those large clear storage bins all along and have been cleaning, organizing, repairing, and I've also been sorting and storing her person items/ cloths, I've repaired my "project Corvette" and have just sold it this week. I'll be using those funds for some major home repairs as I prepare for retirement t in a couple more years. This weekend was the major garage cleaning / organizing so I have room in there for the next effort. To repair and sell her motorcycle! As I go thought all this I'm finding that I'm breaking down more and more often. I didn't think it was possible to break down more often! I'm breaking down now at the slightest trigger, sometimes 10 times or more a day. I don't know what to do. I don;t feel that I have anyone I can tell this to but those here. Sometimes, I feel I'm just fooling myself, pretending these big busy projects mean anything, and once done with them all, I'll just decompose into to a depressive state with no escape. I sometimes wonder if it's worth continuing at all. I miss her so much, but what really gets me is that sometimes it hits me very hard that she's really gone forever, and I will never be able to see, or say anything to her ever again. I just can't handle the thought that she has quit existing. 6 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Boogie Posted March 6, 2022 Members Report Share Posted March 6, 2022 It has been one year for me and absolutely EVERYTHING you have described experiencing is the same journey I have traveled. I promise you it gets easier. What worked for me is ALWAYS keeping my mindset in moving forward and pulling out every coping skill I have including counseling, meditation, deep breathing, exercise, prayer, reflection, alone time, work time, friend time. The evenings and weekends were the worst for me and I don't know what I would have done without my pets. Identify your strengths that make you resilient, give yourself the grace of time and patience. Keep busy, minimize the time you are alone unless that is something you need in the moment. Sometimes it is one hour at a time. Don't feel like things have to be done all at once. Do things when YOU are ready. Believe me, those times will come. Grief is not something we get over. It will always be a part of us as a response to the love we had and the hurt of the loss, but you will create a new life and way of living around the grief and tragedy will slowly become memories that will make you smile. Hang in there. I am sending you hugs, love and light for your journey forward! 3 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Popular Post Boogie Posted March 6, 2022 Members Popular Post Report Share Posted March 6, 2022 Remember this...you have already survived 100% of your worst days! 5 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Popular Post Carolina Girl Posted March 6, 2022 Members Popular Post Report Share Posted March 6, 2022 I also did projects the first year and sold lots and lots of stuff. Every time I think I’m through I think of something else to be done. I can identify with you. If I finish what happens to me then? I also run away. I’ve been to Florida 3 weeks. Getting ready to go on my second cruise and would probably do more if I had more people to go with me. 14 months in and most times I’m doing better but this week for some reason has taken me by surprise. I just feel depressed and want to sleep. 1 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted March 7, 2022 Moderators Report Share Posted March 7, 2022 20 hours ago, Boogie said: Remember this...you have already survived 100% of your worst days! I'm saving this, it seems perfect in answer to his post...I know all too well how hard this is, and yet you've accomplished so much, I haven't begun to take on the projects you have, they overwhelm and daunt me to attempt alone. I still do one day at a time, I can't look ahead very far, have to stay in today, otherwise it is too much. 1 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Popular Post foreverhis Posted March 7, 2022 Members Popular Post Report Share Posted March 7, 2022 On 3/6/2022 at 10:23 AM, William M said: As I go thought all this I'm finding that I'm breaking down more and more often. I didn't think it was possible to break down more often! I'm breaking down now at the slightest trigger, sometimes 10 times or more a day. I don't know what to do. I don;t feel that I have anyone I can tell this to but those here. Sometimes, I feel I'm just fooling myself, pretending these big busy projects mean anything, and once done with them all, I'll just decompose into to a depressive state with no escape. I sometimes wonder if it's worth continuing at all. I miss her so much, but what really gets me is that sometimes it hits me very hard that she's really gone forever, and I will never be able to see, or say anything to her ever again. I just can't handle the thought that she has quit existing. I'm sorry to say that what you're experiencing is really common. The first few months everything is concentrated on "getting through" all that has to be done and people in our lives perhaps "being there." After a few months, the shock has worn off, the legal stuff is mostly done, and the entire world has gone back to spinning as it did before--except us, except our lives and worlds. We have little choice but to accept the reality in front of us. (By "accept the reality," I mean only that; not that it is fair or right because it isn't.) As you've already figured out, grief is not a straight line and it doesn't have set "stages" or anything like that. You'll take two steps forward and then get shoved back one step. There are ups and downs, u-turns, side tracks, and also ways forward. For me in most of my journey (so far), those steps have been so gradual that I haven't realized I've taken them until I "look back." I'm not at all surprised that you feel it hitting you harder now. It happened to me; it happens to most of us. All we can do is keep breathing, getting through each day at a time, and trying to "do" something useful every day. On that note, I do not believe you are fooling yourself in getting projects done, especially when they are things where you can think, "She'd be really happy/proud I did this." I did and do that a lot with my John. Every time I handle a project he/we were in the middle of or planning, I think, "Look, love. I did it." In many cases, that involves me getting a friend to help or hiring contractors. In the first 3 months after, there were several small projects that absolutely had to be done before winter. I did the ones I could. I asked friends for help and hired people for others. There are certainly days even now, though fewer than at first, when I ask myself why I bother. I wonder what's the point of it all. When the person we love and cannot live without is taken from us, we are bound to ask questions like that. It's certainly possible that you will fall down into the dark if/when you don't have projects to keep you busy. You might want to ask yourself if you are keeping busy as a way to suppress or deny or ignore your grief. If you are, then I think it more likely you would become more depressed and end up in the dark pit at some point. Most of us have been there and, at times, it feels like there is no way out or up. But there is, if we let others help us, especially the members here. There's a little parable about a man who falls into a deep hole. He asks for help, but doesn't get what he needs until a friend is walking by. He asks his friend to help him up, but instead his friend jumps into the hole with him. He says, "Are you crazy? Now we're both down here!" and his friend says, "Yes, but I've been down here before and I know the way out." That's how I think about the way we all help each other. It's been invaluable for me. 7 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members RN-Nix Posted March 8, 2022 Members Report Share Posted March 8, 2022 Hi William, my love was declared brain dead on the day your wife passed away and then he left here on Christmas eve. So I too am going on 3 months and for some reason my mind is still in a frozen state. Every now and again it hits me that he is not coming back . There's so much I want to tell him and get his feedback on but I can't. It's good that you are completing projects but I can see how you may feel empty when she is not there to applaud your accomplishments. It's hard. I can't believe we are all going through this but I'm seeing more and more that it's a part of life. We live to die and this of us who are left behind feel the pain immensely. I have so many things to do but I don't want to do anything so it's a good thing that you are keeping yourself occupied. Hang in there. That's really all we can do until we are able to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I love everything that everyone has said to you 2 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members unmukt Posted March 8, 2022 Members Report Share Posted March 8, 2022 Hi William, I have lost the love of my life a month ago, and it gives me strength reading how you have been able to atleast attempt to do things for her. I am struggling a lot but just seeing you being able to just hold on is a blessing. I am grateful again today for this space and for your presence. 1 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Tami M Posted March 8, 2022 Members Report Share Posted March 8, 2022 I am about in the same time frame. A bit over 3 months. I had a bad week last week. Just feeling lonely and sorry for myself. Then I feel guilty. It feels like I am not grieving him specifically just missing someone who cares for me in that way. I try not to dwell on it. I just keep chugging along trying to move forward and trying to find the positive in my life. My daughter has seriously been a God send. I couldn't do this with out her. Believe me a 12 year old keeps me hopping. Even though somedays I feel I am helping her life her "best life" and not finding any happiness in mine. I recognize I need to work on my happiness, but there also isn't alot of time for that with a 12 year old who is in schoalstic bowl, drama club, FFA and travel softball. I too have lots of projects. Trying to get the house cleaned up. I feel like I made huge progress at first. Now I feel like I am stuck a little and just maintaining what I did. (the messy 12 yo doesn't help) By the time I get home from work and get done being taxi driver to my daughter my energy is a little low for housework. Then on the weekends we run like crazy people to softball practice and lessons and church and youth group. Who has time for anything. I do like the thought that at least the hardest days are behind us. Just keep moving forward. Unfortunately we can't go back in time. 2 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted March 8, 2022 Moderators Report Share Posted March 8, 2022 15 minutes ago, Tami M said: Then I feel guilty. It feels like I am not grieving him specifically just missing someone who cares for me in that way. Try to dispel any thoughts of guilt, ALL of your grief, ALL of your feelings are valid...at times one thing will hit you, at other times another, different parts to the same grief. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Popular Post Canadagirl81 Posted March 10, 2022 Members Popular Post Report Share Posted March 10, 2022 Hi William. I just want you to know that it's okay to break down as much as you feel it. What you are experiencing, while it absolutely sucks, is totally normal. I'm just over a month into my loss and how I flip from one emotion to the next astounds even me. I journal, I scream, I go outside and run, I hug trees and cry to the sky. I think the biggest thing is their physicality being gone. I talk to Glenn out loud all the time and I feel in my heart he can hear me but his physical presence, his voice, his smile, his eyes and touch.....it's just unimaginable that for the rest of my life, those things will be absent. I understand feeling like you don't want to continue....I also struggle with those thoughts. I want to just go and be there with him, wherever that may be. But I also know that he would want me to keep living. So.....I'm living and breathing for two now. I honor him that way and I know your wife would want you to continue on for both of you. She is with you. Talk to her, she can hear you. Feel whatever it is you feel, breathe deeply through the emotions and take care of yourself. I think it's wonderful you are keeping yourself busy and doing things you enjoy, she would want that. By working with your emotions, while I know difficult, will ultimately help you heal. I've learned that we don't truly ever move on....we move on WITH them. We take them with us. She's with you William, always. Find comfort in that fact. I leave you with a poem by Henry Scott-Holland Death is nothing at all. It does not count. I have only slipped away into the next room. Nothing has happened. Everything remains exactly as it was. I am I, and you are you, and the old life that we lived so fondly together is untouched, unchanged. Whatever we were to each other, that we are still. Call me by the old familiar name. Speak of me in the easy way which you always used. Put no difference into your tone. Wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow. Laugh as we always laughed at the little jokes that we enjoyed together. Play, smile, think of me, pray for me. Let my name be ever the household word that it always was. Let it be spoken without an effort, without the ghost of a shadow upon it. Life means all that it ever meant. It is the same as it ever was. There is absolute and unbroken continuity. What is this death but a negligible accident? Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight? I am but waiting for you, for an interval, somewhere very near, just round the corner. All is well. Nothing is hurt; nothing is lost. One brief moment and all will be as it was before. How we shall laugh at the trouble of parting when we meet again! 6 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Popular Post Boogie Posted March 10, 2022 Members Popular Post Report Share Posted March 10, 2022 I found this in a FB memory from one year ago and wanted to share. Grief is like the ocean — a constant surge of waves, a continual collection of salt and tears. Sometimes grief is loud, both tidal and tempestuous, an overwhelming pain that breaks you open and crashes against your heart. Other times it’s quiet, discreetly hiding beneath the surface, presenting itself as a steady hush of longing. Grief is full of unknowns that can only be discovered when swimming in its depths. Some days sorrow and joy will be intertwined, a delicate dance of dark and light — both deserve to be softly held, both belong in sight. When grief calls you to its edge, tread gently in its space — for no matter what you feel you are always held by grace. You cannot slow down the ocean, you cannot tame the sea, so ache, laugh, break, mend — let your emotions free. Driven by the tides, your pain will recede, but like a persistent undercurrent, a sense of longing may never leave. And that’s the art of living on but never letting go. If you're ever lost in the infinite sea, may you find peace in knowing that unending grief is also endless love. For grief may try and weigh you down, but your love for them will carry you. Always. Author unknown 7 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Popular Post tnd Posted March 10, 2022 Members Popular Post Report Share Posted March 10, 2022 On 3/6/2022 at 12:23 PM, William M said: As I go thought all this I'm finding that I'm breaking down more and more often. I didn't think it was possible to break down more often! William M: I am sorry you are hurting. I think what you describe is common amongst us grievers. I'll go maybe a few days without crying too much then suddenly the dam bursts. The grief seems to put me through this off and on, over and over again. I've accepted this cycle as being "normal" but heck, losing my husband has had an impact on every part of my life and nothing seems normal about it anymore. Yup, some days are harder than others. 4 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Popular Post William M Posted March 10, 2022 Author Members Popular Post Report Share Posted March 10, 2022 Thank you all. Hugs to everyone. 3 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Roseapple Posted March 11, 2022 Members Report Share Posted March 11, 2022 On 3/10/2022 at 4:40 AM, Canadagirl81 said: I leave you with a poem by Henry Scott-Holland @RN-Nix that gave me chills, I just forwarded this same poem to his mother yesterday ❤️ 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members RN-Nix Posted March 12, 2022 Members Report Share Posted March 12, 2022 @RoseappleOmg I searched for this poem yesterday. I could not recall who posted it and now here it is!!!!! Thank you 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Canadagirl81 Posted March 12, 2022 Members Report Share Posted March 12, 2022 @Roseapple and @RN-Nix <3 <3 <3 I love this poem and when it was sent to me it instantly brought me comfort. Glad I shared it on here!! 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members RN-Nix Posted March 12, 2022 Members Report Share Posted March 12, 2022 @Canadagirl81I was going to message you yesterday. I wasnt sure if you posted it...I drove myself nuts looking for it. Then I gave up and Said..it will resurface and sure enough....WA LA lol lol thank you. The words are true 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members RN-Nix Posted March 12, 2022 Members Report Share Posted March 12, 2022 @Canadagirl81those words are as if he is speaking directly to me. After he died I had a dream that he was holding me and thanking me for everything and then he went into "the next room" as the passage said and my kids said "mommy his pressure is high" and it was before he passed. It also says "pray for me " ...one day we were just texting randomly and he text "pray for me" .....this is so profound. Nothing surprises me and nothing is coincidental.....I just have to channel my emotions until we meet again . Thank you for sharing. I'm going to read it every day . I have another one that I will share 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Canadagirl81 Posted March 12, 2022 Members Report Share Posted March 12, 2022 @RN-Nix I am not surprised AT ALL that the poem returned to you right when you needed it. I think I want to get it framed. I absolutely LOVE what you just posted.....It's amazing and just what I needed right in this moment. Thank you so so much. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted March 13, 2022 Moderators Report Share Posted March 13, 2022 20 hours ago, RN-Nix said: For me it was the pansy, the dragonfly, the rainbow...they give us signs. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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