Members Kamm Posted March 6, 2022 Members Report Share Posted March 6, 2022 On December 8th I lost the love of my life to suicide. We had been dating for almost a year at that point and I genuinely was planning to propose,I’m not really sure how to cope with losing her I miss everything about her I miss her friendship I miss her voice and I miss having someone to talk to everyday whenever I needed to talk. I think about her all the time I’ve been hesitant to start doing therapy because I’m not really comfortable with it. But if anyone could give me advice who’s been through this or something similar I would greatly appreciate it 1 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted March 6, 2022 Moderators Report Share Posted March 6, 2022 We're never comfortable with it until we get into it. I am so sorry for your loss, you have company here, it seems a lot of young people are going through loss of partner due to suicide. It's not only loss of the person but all your dreams for the future, like you planning to propose and spend your life together. I hope you'll continue to come here to read and post, there will b e others along shortly, many who are right where you are at. We want to be here for you as you go through this. Spouse's Suicide Grief Support for Survivors of Suicide Loss Surviving A Spouse's Death by Suicide Grief Process This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference! I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road. TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this. I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey. Take one day at a time. The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew. It can be challenging enough just to tackle today. I tell myself, I only have to get through today. Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again. To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety. Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves. The intensity lessens eventually. Visit your doctor. Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks. They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief. Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief. If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline. I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived. Back to taking a day at a time. Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808 Give yourself permission to smile. It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still. Try not to isolate too much. There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself. We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it! Some people set aside time every day to grieve. I didn't have to, it searched and found me! Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever. That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care. You'll need it more than ever. Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is. We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc. They have not only the knowledge, but the resources. In time, consider a grief support group. If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". Be patient, give yourself time. There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc. They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it. It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters. Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time. That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse. Finally, they were up to stay. Consider a pet. Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely. It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him. Besides, they're known to relieve stress. Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage. Make yourself get out now and then. You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now. That's normal. Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then. Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first. You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it. If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot. Keep coming here. We've been through it and we're all going through this together. Look for joy in every day. It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T. It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully. You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it. It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it. Eventually consider volunteering. It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win. (((hugs))) Praying for you today. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Popular Post GoldenRose Posted March 6, 2022 Members Popular Post Report Share Posted March 6, 2022 Hello @Kamm, my deepest condolences. What a tragedy, sorry you have to deal with this kind of pain. On January 29, my husband committed suicide. He was only 26. Much like you mentioned, my life no longer makes sense. It was as if my heart shattered into a million little pieces and I don't even know how to begin to pick them up. Feel free to send me a PM if you rather talk privately. I know sometimes suicide brings up some dark personal feelings. I started therapy as soon as I could. It has been a very positive experience for me but I know everyone is different. I struggled with some guilt, still do. But I think accepting that they were in control of themselves, and we are only in control of ourselves has helped. I have anger, and I find that right now, anger feels the best. it helps me find motivation and hope for my future. Sadness is the worst feeling. It is so heavy, and overwhelms me far more than I can handle. Missing my husband has no cure. Missing your gf has no cure. But that is ok, we do not need a cure. Grief is not a sickness we can simply recover from. No matter how many "get well soon" texts or cards you get. Grief is the living proof that we loved someone, and now that they are gone, we continue to love them and that makes us sad. The mental fogginess isn't as bad as it was in the beginning, and I do find that having more of a structured routine helps a bit. Self compassion and self-love help too. I do what feels good, and I avoid what does not. Sometimes I want to talk about remarriage, and I talk about it to my therapist, my parents or my closest friends. They listen. Sometimes remarriage sounds so awful, I talk about how I will be single the rest of my sad and lonely life. Everyone listens. Those who make remarks that hurt, that pry or simply make my grief worse get cut out. I have very little energy, I cannot spend it on people who do not help. I suggest you do the same. Suicide is very difficult. The act itself is selfish. Their pain ends, but ours begins. It is ok to have many emotions about it and it is ok to express them. It is completely necessary. I did not know my husband was suicidal. I did not know he was depressed. But I don't think figuring out the why or coming up with theories helps my healing so I try to avoid that. It helps when I remember him for the amazing person he was, and remember I have good qualities too. Life is just hard, and sometimes horrible things happen to good people. I am sorry you are going through this, but we are here to listen and give you our 2 cents if you wish. You are not alone, we are all sad with you. 2 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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