Lost my Soul Mate of 32 years

[Julie W]

I lost my husband of 32 years on October 13, 2021.  Any suggestions on how to handle it?   Group counseling didn’t help.  Individual counseling didn’t help.  I am moving through life but not really living.  I feel lost and empty.

[GoldenRose]

Hi @Julie W I’m only at a month. I feel lost and empty too. Very insecure about my future, no identity and no likes or dislikes anymore. Best way to describe it is that everything good about me died with him. I’m the shell of the person who I used to be. But I write down all my small victories, first time eating solid food, first time walking my dog, first day back at work and so on. That helps me a bit. I talk a lot with my family, friends and therapist. I have found therapy very useful, but I understand it’s not for everyone. I enjoy talking about my husband, imagining what he would say or do if he was here. Sometimes I laugh knowing what joke he would have made and things like that. It’s not “living” by any means but I’m keeping my head down and just going through the motions. Sometimes I imagine myself happy again in the future and that helps or I imagine myself doing the things he liked to honor his memory. Mostly I just cry and miss him though. Does it help to talk about your husband? I’m sure we would all appreciate learning about him. I’ve also found some comfort in reading a lot of books about being a widow and wearing his wedding ring as a necklace. If something hurts too much, I don’t do it, and if something even resembles a decent feeling, then I do it. At some point things will get better, we’re just in the thick of it right now. Do you have anyone to spend time with? I haven’t left my house in the whole month basically but I like to have friends over sometimes just to distract. Been watching some old tv shows with my parents sometimes and mindlessly ordering whatever looks nice on amazon. Everything seems gray right now but many people on this site promise that goes away. You have a huge amount of grief right now, it’s ok to go through the motions a bit. Just remember you’re still here and you still matter. Virtual hugs!

[KayC]

Julie, I am so sorry for your loss.  I'm glad you found your way here, it really helps!  I got a grief counselor that was anything but when I first lost my husband, then I happened on a site such as this and that was a godsend, it had an adm. that is a retired grief counselor with a degree in thanatology, I've been there learning from her ever since, almost 17 years now.  It helps to know there are others going through the same thing and they get it and understand.

I hope you'll continue to come here to read and post!  We care and don't want you to go through this alone, esp. as family/friends may care but be clueless about grief.
 

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

[ReginaP]

I’m so sorry for your loss. I’m new to this site and also desperately looking for help. I lost my husband on January 7th. We were together 50 years. We lived together, played together and also worked together. He was my best friend. I don’t know how to move on either. I’ve been treated for depression and anxiety for years and this just thru me over the edge. I know how I feel and I hope and pray that things get better for you. I wish I could tell you things that make it easier for me but I’m not at that point yet. I consider it a major accomplishment if I make it thru the grocery store without breaking down. Baby steps, that’s all I’m taking. Hope your able to find some peace. 

[Gail 8588]

@Julie W

Julie W, 

I am so sorry for your loss.  After the initial loss and outpouring of support immediately after, it can feel overwhelming as the lonely reality of his absence begins to sink in.  While the raw pain of loss begins to subside, it doesn't mean you will necessarily feel better.  For me, I fluctuated between being racked in the physical pain of grief and not being able to feel anything at all.   

But your grief journey may be very different from mine, we are each unique. I don't want to project my grief experience on to you. 

I hope you will come here to vent or share as you feel the need. Just reading the threads of other people's posts can help you to feel less alone.   You will read descriptions of how other people feel, and some of them will be describing how you feel.  Sadly, we get how devastating and painful this journey can be.  Our lives have been shattered too.

Kay's tips on dealing with grief are a good resource.  They helped me find my way back to living. As she suggests, try to focus on just what you need to deal with today.  Looking too far into the future is a black hole of despair, it sucks you in and won't let you out. 

You can do today.  That's all you need to get through is just today, or just this hour, or just this minute. Breathe in, breathe out. You can get through this wave of grief and then make it through today.

I am so sorry you have reason to join us on this journey none of us chose to take. Welcome.

Gail

 

 

[KayC]

13 hours ago, ReginaP said:

I’m so sorry for your loss. I’m new to this site and also desperately looking for help. I lost my husband on January 7th. We were together 50 years. We lived together, played together and also worked together. He was my best friend. I don’t know how to move on either. I’ve been treated for depression and anxiety for years and this just thru me over the edge. I know how I feel and I hope and pray that things get better for you. I wish I could tell you things that make it easier for me but I’m not at that point yet. I consider it a major accomplishment if I make it thru the grocery store without breaking down. Baby steps, that’s all I’m taking. Hope your able to find some peace. 

I am so sorry for your loss, your grief is still very fresh.  My husband was my soul mate and best friend, I also have anxiety, grief sure didn't help it any!  I did some research and found a safe mild anti-anxiety med that doesn't leave one robotic or numb or alter their brain, it's not an SSRI, I took the info in to my doctor and told him that's what I wanted, I didn't want something harsh or addictive.  He was a little off put but he'd tried to put me on Valium against my wishes, he didn't listen to me and it made me very tired (I had to commute 100 miles/day) and I told him it didn't help my anxiety, it made it dangerous for me to drive or focus on my work!  I told him I have a vested interest in my body and it IS my business!  He prescribed it and I've been on it ever since, very low dose.  Depression/anxiety can come with grief, it's good to know how much is from grief, and what is chemical...
Depression vs symptomatic depression in grief
Anxiety and Grief After Losing a Loved One
Anxiety Attacks in Grief: Tools for Coping

I hope you'll continue coming here to read/post, it helps us cope, know what is "normal" in grief, have the support of others that get it and understand, we want to be here for you.

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 My sister lost her husband of 50 years 1 1/2 years ago, she doesn't have a PC, is very disabled and has dementia, she's fallen to me as I live ten miles from her.  She is going through much of what you are probably experiencing, 50 years you definitely learn to partner and finish each other's sentences.  My heart goes out to you.

[Julie W]

Thank you Ladies - this is not a journey I was prepared for.  I have thought from time to time throughout our life when he had health issues, what would I do without him, but it wasn’t in the reality of it.  I thought we had many more years.  He was absolutely my soul mate and best friend.  Not only did we finish each other’s sentences, he knew my thoughts and said them before I did.  Thanks for the advice about not looking too far ahead.  That is when I get the saddest and feel the loneliest.  I am fortunate that I live with my daughter and grandson so I don’t have a choice whether I want to be here or not.  If it wasn’t for them I wouldn’t be.  I know that they couldn’t handle my loss and his.  He would also be angry with me if I wasn’t here to help them through this.  My grandson was his heart and soul.  They had an amazing bond.  It is difficult enough that he is no longer around, but daily role changes to contend with just reminds me every minute of that.  Things I have to do now that I never did before.  But the worst part is knowing that I can never look into his eyes again and see the love we shared and feel his arms around me.  At times it is just unbearable….

[PLin]

I took a picture of my husband when he was in the hospital. I am sure many would consider it a rather depressing photo as you can see that his health is very poor. He is beyond thin, his skin is yellowish, a definite look of not having much time. But in that instant, he smiled the warmest smile. His eyes are sparkling and blue and hold so much love. He is looking directly at me as I am taking the picture and I feel his spirit, his presence coming through. Others would probably see that picture and think, why did she choose such a sad photo. All I see is his shining light. I made it my wallpaper on my phone. Every time I pick up my phone and see that picture I feel that connection, that radiance. We hold onto whatever gets us through.

[GoldenRose]

3 hours ago, PLin said:

I took a picture of my husband when he was in the hospital. I am sure many would consider it a rather depressing photo as you can see that his health is very poor. He is beyond thin, his skin is yellowish, a definite look of not having much time. But in that instant, he smiled the warmest smile. His eyes are sparkling and blue and hold so much love. He is looking directly at me as I am taking the picture and I feel his spirit, his presence coming through. Others would probably see that picture and think, why did she choose such a sad photo. All I see is his shining light. I made it my wallpaper on my phone. Every time I pick up my phone and see that picture I feel that connection, that radiance. We hold onto whatever gets us through.

Hi @PLin, just wanted to say that I am sorry for your loss. My husband died one day before yours. I know that is not serendipitous or anything, but for some reason it did give me comfort. Like a reminder I am not alone in my grief and that you aren't either. I had a picture of my husband hugging me as my wallpaper when he died. I would look at the picture and not just see the picture, I would remember he hugged me, and spun me around and we laughed as he took selfies from every angle. It was a small moment, but it was so special to me . He was a goof ball. When I picked up my phone I would always look at his beautiful green eyes. It might be because my husband took his own life, but after a few weeks, the memory was painful and no longer silly. I had to change my wallpaper to avoid the gut wrenching pain every time I needed my phone. I am so happy your picture gives you connection and radiance. That sounds beautiful. I bought a beautiful rose gold necklace that I put his wedding ring on and I wear It every day- like you said, whatever gets us through. Hope you are having an "ok" day.

[PLin]

We are connected Golden Rose. I am very sorry for your loss. Losing a loved one by suicide must be a whole other kind of searing grief. Such complex feelings surrounding your deep grief. My heart aches for you. I think (if I remember one of your other posts) that you are quite young too? I thought about putting my husband's wedding ring on a chain too. I don't have a suitable one so I would have to buy one. I am glad you did that for yourself. I will keep you in my thoughts. Hugs.

[GoldenRose]

@PLin Thank you for your condolences and kind words. Yes, suicide adds many horrible layers to the death of a loved one. The pain seems much larger than I am and sometimes I feel as though I cannot carry it. Still, here I am. Yes, I am 25 years old. My husband was 26. In numbers it can seem young but I feel so old. Like my entire life was stolen from me. 
I got my chain online. It was much easier than having to go out to buy one. My husband had promised me one a few days before he took his own life, so I believe the one I got came from him in some sort of way. 
Sending you a hug and positive thoughts, we’re in the thick of it now, but maybe one day things will be better for us. 

[KayC]

19 hours ago, PLin said:

But in that instant, he smiled the warmest smile. His eyes are sparkling and blue and hold so much love. He is looking directly at me as I am taking the picture and I feel his spirit, his presence coming through.

THAT is the important thing, you saw not his physical self, but his spirit!  As we age this is how we see each other, so it is not surprising to me, I am so glad you have that treasure. We'd all give our life blood to witness that again.  

I've been afraid to wear George's ring on a chain for fear of losing it, but I have it in a heart shaped crystal dish on my bathroom counter and I look at it several times/day.  It brings me comfort to see it. 

During the fire evacuation this year I lost it, packed so much and some of it ended up in disarray, you're trying to hurry and get out of there at the time and then it's in a jumble in your car, wherever you can fit stuff in plus afterthoughts.  When I came home the next week I couldn't find it, it sent me into a panic!  I looked for two days and finally found it!  I was so relieved.