Struggling to accept my dad’s new GF

[DebbieJoysDaughter]

I’m having a tough time accepting that my dad (60) is moving on with his life. My mom (60) passed away unexpectedly in October. Two months later, he started dating. He now has a very serious girlfriend who he wants to marry after only knowing for 2 months.

They have agreed not to get married this year for the sake of all of the adult children involved in the situation. But she is moving into my dad’s house in two months. He wants her to move in now, but he’s giving me two months to get used to the idea and so he has time to clear out my mom’s things. He said he’ll keep some things to remind him of her, but that most of it has to go this month so he can move on.

I don’t live with him, but I’ve been spending 4 days per week with him while I’ve been grieving because I don’t really have any local friends and I’ve been feeling suicidal. I have a therapist and I would never kill myself just to be clear. But the painful feelings are there. So being with him in their house has been my refuge. I’ve also bonded deeply with his kitten who is my best friend in the world and the only thing that keeps me going sometimes. So his gf moving in before I’m even ready to meet her makes me feel like I’m losing my connection to my mom’s things, my dad, and my kitten. It’s so scary and sad. I don’t know when I’ll be ready to meet his gf.

This woman is currently going through a divorce. Her husband of 35 years cheated on her. Both of her parents are still alive. Maybe it’s weird but that makes me really upset because I hoped my dad would be with a widow who understands his experience. I hoped I could connect with her on the loss of our mothers as well since many women her age have already lost their mothers. How could she step into this important role in my family when she doesn’t even understand the pain of death? Maybe this sounds dumb and nonsensical but it’s how I feel.

She’s a devout Christian and my dad is a psychic medium and he’s used his gift to help many people cope after the death of a loved one. She asked him to stop using his gift because “talking to dead people is wrong”. This made me really sad because that means he’s going to stop talking to my mom. He agreed and says it’s not that big a deal and that he shouldn’t really be talking to my mom anymore anyways because it’s time to move on. I didn’t think I could feel any more broken-hearted until now.

Thank you for reading. 

[reader]

Dear Debbie,

It is deeply painful to see your dad move on so quickly. I would feel the same way too. 

Grief affects us all differently. I read that its best not to make any major decisions for one year. Maybe your dad might consider this if you ask him. I know it's very hard on everyone dealing with the huge loss of your beloved mom.

Try talking to your dad again about his gift and talking to your mom. I would mention how it makes you feel and how important it is to you that you have that connection.

Please know we are here for you.

[AnonymousGrief]

I just wish I could give you a hug because your dad is doing something similar that my dad did when my mother passed away unexpectedly at 57.

Within three months he was dating and a really trashy lady latched onto him and defrauded him out of a lot of money and a vehicle until he found out she had a boyfriend and the boyfriend was in on the whole scheme.  My dad couldn’t handle being alone and loves to lavish money and gifts on people.  It helps him feel good.  I’m thinking your dad may have that same clouded judgment situation going on and it can be delicate to try to discuss with him anything he may interpret as being potentially critical of him or his actions at the moment.  But you don’t have to agree with it and can lovingly make it known that you are concerned and love him.

I’m so sorry you and your family are going through this and am profoundly sorry for the loss of your mother.  I had to get really busy with different tasks or watch a lot of ridiculous sitcoms or stand up comedy to get my mind off things when I would ruminate and get upset and that was something that helped me a bit.  If I could get my mind off it for an hour or then more time challenges increased and I just worked at allowing myself designated time each day to feel angry, to really cry, to write in my journal and have that outlet and then refocus so the rumination would stop so I could sleep or work or anything else but be trapped in that circular mental anguish.  Hoping all the best for you and your family in times that seem nearly unnavigable.

[DebbieJoysDaughter]

Hi everyone. Thank you so much for your kind replies to my original message. I was on here today for the first time since March because someone had responded to another thread I was on. I reread my post in this thread and I thought it might be interesting for me to leave an update on where things stand now one year after my mom’s passing. 

I finally met my dad’s girlfriend and she’s really nice. They seem to genuinely love each other and after a LOT of screaming matches with my dad and many many tears, I am finally happy that my dad is happy. I realized I’d much rather him have someone to love him and be there for him than have him be alone in his house just to spare my feelings. It’s been quite the process for me to get to this point though. 

Meeting the girlfriend only lasted about 2 minutes and I couldn’t even look her in the eyes or pretend to be happy, but I got it over with after a lot of build up and fear, and for that I’m really proud of myself. I’m not quite ready to meet her again, but hey…progress. 

I’m also just doing a lot better in general. The suicidal feelings are gone for the most part, and while I still hurt for my mom and miss her every day, I have managed to find some happiness again. 

Sending love to everyone out there who is hurting today ❤️ Hang in there.