Members Popular Post Alexa Fields Posted March 3, 2022 Members Popular Post Report Share Posted March 3, 2022 6 days ago my boyfriend committed suicide. We were together for two and a half years. He was my best friend, my soul mate. I went to visit my parents for two days since they live in another city, and my partner and I talked the whole time I was there, FaceTimed, and everything seemed normal. He had a history of being depressed, overly anxious, and he had very bad tinnitus (ringing in ears caused by hearing loss). Before I left, he promised me he was going to be okay while I was gone as long as we talked everyday. He said he was going to keep himself busy in my absence, so time would go by quicker. He promised me if he felt upset or lonely, he would contact one of his siblings to come stay at our house while I was away. He convinced me everything was okay. As I am on my way back home, approx. an hour away, he FaceTimes me (while he is at our house) and we have a casual conversation, and he asks me to bring him some food home, insisting that we eat lunch together and saying how much he loved me and missed me so much. I stop somewhere and get him some food, as I return home I see that all of his things are cleared out of our garage, except for his motorcycle. And he is gone. He leaves me a note and says that his tinnitus had gotten very bad, so he stored his things in storage while I was away, and that he needed to clear his head and be alone, but that he was coming back tonight. He stated he was going for a long drive, and that everything is okay and that I should not panic. I search the rest of the house to see what else was gone, and discover the only stuff of his that was left was all our bedroom furniture. His clothes, toothbrush, shampoo and conditioner, all gone. We had just spoken about spending time together that night, I was so distraught. If he planned on coming back he would not have taken all his clothes and stored his things in storage. I do not stay calm, and call him over a hundred times, his phone is off and does not answer. I don't hear from him until almost midnight, and he tells me he drove 7 hours away to a beach so he didn't hear the tinnitus he had been dealing with. I was so scared and so worried I just wanted him to come home. He would send me terrifying messages, and I had no way of knowing where he was or what he was going to do. Since he had been depressed, I took care of him every chance I had. I only left the house to go to work, while he would stay home everyday. I comforted him as he sobbed in my arms when he couldn't sleep because the ringing was so loud. While we were texting, he tells me we will text tomorrow. It's a new day now, and I'm still blowing up his phone asking him to come home so me and his family can take care of him and help him. No answer all day. At almost midnight again, he texts his siblings and I goodbye messages. Telling me that I did everything right and nothing was my fault, and that he was going to miss me so so much. I kept telling him to tell me where he was so I can go get him, and that if he did anything to himself that he would be taking me with him. He proceeds to text me and tell me I'm going to be okay and that I'm strong, and that he doesn't want me to hate him forever. I plea and beg him not to hurt himself, saying that so many people love him and want to help him. His phone turns off again and I can't reach him. Me - sobbing, thinking he had just taken his life. Ten minutes later I get a phone call from him. It was so amazing to hear his voice after he had been missing for two days. He apologized to me for worrying me, and promised that he would be home in the morning. (this is a new day now, Saturday at 12:30am). I asked him where he was and if he could return now, he said he was 5 hours away and was too tired to drive so he had to stay at a hotel. I asked him why he sent all of us scary messages, and he said he was just freaking out. I asked him, "when you come back, how long are you going to stay?" He replied with, "Forever, I'm going to stay forever." I asked if he would move his things back in and let me help him and he said yes. I asked him to text me when he got to the hotel and was going to bed, he said he would. We say our goodbyes and say I love you a couple times. "See you in the morning, I love you." He texts me at 12:46 am and says "Im here, going to sleep." I went to sleep insanely happy for the first time since he had left. I woke up in the morning and texted him over and over, asking when he was going to be back. None of my messages went through and every call went to voicemail. I got a call at around 2pm that he had committed suicide earlier that night, probably right after we gotten off the phone. I have so many unanswered questions, why did he promise me he was coming home? Just like that, my whole world - gone. I've been sleeping in his bed every night crying, wondering if I had never gone to visit my parents he would still be alive. Wondering why would he lie to me? I know I did the very best I could when taking care of him, I loved him with every fiber in my being and I'm going to miss him so much. I just don't understand, and can't help but to feel an incredible amount of guilt. We lived together, how did I not know what he was going through was this bad? I look around my house and it's not a home anymore. He was only 24 years old. He was a beautiful angel, who was taken too soon, and I don't think I can ever forgive myself. 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted March 3, 2022 Moderators Report Share Posted March 3, 2022 I am so sorry for your loss, this seems a nightmare I'm sure, it did when my husband die and his was heart/diabetic, not suicide. I hope you will reach out for help, professionally, there are organizations for suicide survivors. Grief Support for Survivors of Suicide Loss Spouse's Suicide Surviving A Spouse's Death by Suicide You've found a good place to come to, I hope you'll continue to come here, to read and post. It's only 3 am here, others will be along shortly. Grief Process This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference! I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road. TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this. I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey. Take one day at a time. The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew. It can be challenging enough just to tackle today. I tell myself, I only have to get through today. Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again. To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety. Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves. The intensity lessens eventually. Visit your doctor. Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks. They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief. Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief. If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline. I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived. Back to taking a day at a time. Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808 Give yourself permission to smile. It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still. Try not to isolate too much. There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself. We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it! Some people set aside time every day to grieve. I didn't have to, it searched and found me! Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever. That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care. You'll need it more than ever. Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is. We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc. They have not only the knowledge, but the resources. In time, consider a grief support group. If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". Be patient, give yourself time. There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc. They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it. It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters. Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time. That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse. Finally, they were up to stay. Consider a pet. Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely. It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him. Besides, they're known to relieve stress. Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage. Make yourself get out now and then. You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now. That's normal. Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then. Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first. You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it. If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot. Keep coming here. We've been through it and we're all going through this together. Look for joy in every day. It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T. It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully. You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it. It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it. Eventually consider volunteering. It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win. (((hugs))) Praying for you today. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members KG21 Posted March 5, 2022 Members Report Share Posted March 5, 2022 @Alexa Fields My heart breaks reading your story, Alexa. I know there is nothing I can say to take away the pain. I am thinking of you and sending you so much strength and love. I wear my boyfriend’s clothes whenever I am at my house and spray his cologne on our pillows. I’m not sure if this is a good thing to do or not, but it seems to bring me just a tiny bit of comfort. The pain is immense and feels never ending. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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