Grief and Depression hits me hard

[MarcHannah18]

It’s been 5 months already after the loss of my wife, the love of my life and my father, my greatest inspiration in my life. It’s not easy to cope every day. Sometimes you feel okay, sometimes you feel numb, sometimes you are going to explode. It is painful enough and the pain seems unbearable. How many people could understand me? The way I feel? Even the toughest person will feel weak when grief along with depression hits you hard. Sleepless nights, loss of appetite, self-isolation, loss of interest in everything, loss of hope and uninspired. Some people did not understand that because they were not in my shoes. Losing a wife is devastating. Losing a father due to suicide is much more devastating. But losing them both at the same time is too much of a pain a man’s heart can carry. It’s unbearable, traumatic, horrible and overwhelming. I am a simple person with simple happiness in life. My only happiness is being around with my family. How can I go on with my life? The person I’d like to spend my whole life with was already gone. My inspiration to overcome life’s challenges was gone also. I’d like to grow old with my wife, but that will not be possible. Every people said that I am young and I can remarry. But when someone said that to me, I felt sad and angry to them because they did not exactly know the true meaning of love and marriage. They think our marriage was disposable? To the fact that you can replace the love of your life, the wife of your dreams, your soulmate. They think you can replace them? I get angry to those people that thinks our love was shallow, our love was not sincere and true. First, they did not understand my pain right now what I was going through. They can easily say that because they were not in my situation. Thank you for reading my story and my thoughts. God Bless you always.

[KayC]

I'm sorry people say that to you, it's highly inappropriate.  No matter their good intentions, the truth is they're trying to make THEMSELVES feel better, no one is comfortable with grief, so they try to shut it down, make everything back to normal, but it will never be as it was, they don't get that.  Your feelings are 1,000% valid!  They would feel as you if they went through it, and in short order.  It's been nearly 17 years since I lost my George, I have never stopped loving and missing him, not one day has gone by but what he's in my heart and on my mind.  Our connection was so strong.  It's hard for me to conceive how I could have gone this long without getting to talk with him, be held by him!  Our love carries me still.  Our connection, communication, relating to each other, understanding each other, love...it was so strong, like none I've ever seen or experienced.  Time does not matter, whether a week or many years, we feel as we do.

It crushed me in the early years, but I have learned how to cope with these changes, it took me years.  Years to process my grief, years more yet to realize purpose, more years yet to build a life I could live...then Covid came along and knocked it down, but I will rebuild as I once did, although it may not look the same.  I'm getting older, more solitary.  
I go on the same way I have the last 17 years...one day at a time.  Looking for some good in each day.  Some days it's a stretch, but still I look.  When I find anything good, no matter how minute, I embrace it and fully appreciate it for what it is.  I do not compare it to what was, for that devalues and diminishes it.  I live in this present moment and have learned the spirit of gratitude and appreciation....it is not a state to be attained but rather a focus, a way of living.  It takes effort on my part.  I started practicing this on day 11, so it can be done.  It didn't come to me all at once, but evolved little by little.  George was my big joy...now I look for the little joys.  My puppy, a cup of my good coffee, a walk in the woods, a neighbor's kindness, that I have health today...a stranger smiling at me...

[Jen H]

Some days I feel hopeless.  Lossing my parents and the love of my life.  That little bit was all I needed and now it's gone at only 45 years old.  What now?  Im still trying to figure it out.  I have brought that hope back, as little as it is right now.  I refuse to let it go.  It is going to take alot of time and effort but we can't give up.  

[PLin]

I have that feeling today. So alone. Just wishing to be held by my husband. Cut off, in a way, because nobody knows this pain. If being distracted by small talk would help I'd let others in, but it won't. It can't just be glossed over by talk about the weather or what other people are doing. I just need to be held in this grief but there is no container. I have realized that I am my only container, but there are days when I don't have the strength to offer myself solace. I just want to lay my head on my husband's chest and have him say it will be alright. 

It is early days for me, I know. Some days I can find the strength to move through the day. Right now, today, it all just feels too brutal to bear.   

[KayC]

This seems a common thread for so many of us, feeling alone.  My kids are grown, have their own lives now, my parents are gone, and I've started losing my siblings, older ones not in the best of health, I can read the handwriting on the wall.  I am truly alone.  Most have their partner still, mine's been gone since 2005, what do I do when I'm 80 and still shoveling snow, hauling firewood, no one to talk to?  Kids don't live nearby, I don't want to live in the city, this is where I've been for 45 years, this place with it's many memories, beauty, and great neighbors/community.  I reckon I'll still be getting up in the wee hours, talking to all of you!

[KMkm]

I find that I look to my late wifes way of thinking.  Enjoy every second cause you never know what the next one will be like.  It is very hard to get though each day and it seems like life isn't worth living.  This grief is unrelenting and difficult to endure but finding small things to smile or even laugh about does help.  Think about only today, only mins or hours ahead because it gets overwhelming even thinking about tomorrow.  Feel the sun on your face or the energy you get from nature.  If you can find somewhere to go that you enjoy.  The waves of grief will come and go so do what you can to keep going. In my experience I do find comfort having others around to talk about normal things and other days I want nothing to do with anyone at all.  It will be what you want and just try to keep fighting cause the intense feeling will become less and less which does in turn make you upset that you shouldn't be happy but the people we lost only want us to be happy cause their intentions didn't change after they passed.  My friend sent me a message telling me that my wife came through during a visit to a medium and she wants me to stop being so stubborn and to ask for help and enjoy life again.  I hope you find joy again whenever you are ready.  I hope others have more inspirational comments and can post more positive words of wisdom.  Grief is terrible to us all but one day it's grip will lessen and a smile will grow and let us enjoy our lives with our loved ones standing right beside us.

[KayC]

On 3/3/2022 at 5:04 AM, KMkm said:

she wants me to stop being so stubborn and to ask for help and enjoy life again.

That definitely sounds like a wife message!