Just lost the love of my life

[Ann A]

My husband Ron passed on Friday and the tremendous pain and emptiness is unbearable.  He was my compass, my partner in all things.  What do we do when the person who would be your greatest comfort is the one who is gone?  I just want to curl up in his arms and have him tell me it will be ok.

 

I thought I would be ready; we knew for nine years that he would have a limited amount of time left when he was diagnosed with Pulmonary Fibrosis in Jan of 2013.  We were so fortunate to receive the gift of a bilateral lung transplant in October of that year and were told to expect maybe five years at best.  We always expected the dreaded rejected or kidney failure from the medications to take him.  He was able to avoid rejection and keep from complete kidney failure, but his heart gave out.  It was so fast, I took him to the ER on Saturday, on Monday we thought he was improving and on Friday morning he was gone.  Never a chance to say goodby.  Plenty of I love you but no goodby, no thank you for making me a better person and pushing me to do things I never thought I could do.

 

I just don't know how to get though one more day without him let alone a year or a decade...

[C L]

I'm so sorry for your loss.  We all get it.  I find reading the other posts therapeutic knowing we are all going through the same thing.  Being able to say I love you was enough.  The thank yous come with the I love yous you were able to exchange.  Cherish the memories you have and the time you had together.  It is going to be rough for a while, but it will get better.

[widower2]

7 hours ago, Ann A said:

My husband Ron passed on Friday and the tremendous pain and emptiness is unbearable.  He was my compass, my partner in all things.  What do we do when the person who would be your greatest comfort is the one who is gone?  I just want to curl up in his arms and have him tell me it will be ok.

 

I thought I would be ready; we knew for nine years that he would have a limited amount of time left when he was diagnosed with Pulmonary Fibrosis in Jan of 2013.  We were so fortunate to receive the gift of a bilateral lung transplant in October of that year and were told to expect maybe five years at best.  We always expected the dreaded rejected or kidney failure from the medications to take him.  He was able to avoid rejection and keep from complete kidney failure, but his heart gave out.  It was so fast, I took him to the ER on Saturday, on Monday we thought he was improving and on Friday morning he was gone.  Never a chance to say goodby.  Plenty of I love you but no goodby, no thank you for making me a better person and pushing me to do things I never thought I could do.

 

I just don't know how to get though one more day without him let alone a year or a decade...

I'm so sorry. I never got a chance either, although I think that was because we always kept believing and hoping to beat it and for her to still be around; saying good-bye would have to us been like admitting defeat. I think it's safe to say he knew how you felt, how grateful you were for him and vice-versa. 

I didn't know how to survive, esp in those early days, but somehow I did. I know it seems impossible now, but you can too. This is a great site with great people and I hope will help. We "get it." 

[KayC]

21 hours ago, Ann A said:

Never a chance to say goodby. 

I am so sorry for your loss, ours was much the same, very sudden and totally unexpected.  They wouldn't let me be with him while they worked on him, I felt deprived of being there for him when he most needed my support.  It's bothered me ever since, how it went down.

My heart goes out to you, this is the hardest thing I've ever been through.  I hope you'll continue to come here to read and post, it helps us process our grief and also helps to know others get it and understand.

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

[GoldenRose]

Welcome to this forum @Ann A, I am glad you found your way here but I am sorry you had to in the first place. My husband passed a month ago, I understand where you are right now. I got so many big hugs and comforting words from my family and friends, yet all I felt like I really needed was a hug from my husband. I wear one of his coziest sweaters when I need a hug now. It’s very very tough. An unfortunately it’ll continue to be tough but you can be easy on yourself. Embrace the tears and remember it hurts because your husband mattered and you loved him very much. As others mentioned, this site is so helpful because even though it is virtual, it eases the pain  to know we are not alone. Do you have family with you right now? Have you been in contact with a funeral home yet? There are many detailed and helpful books on Amazon that I read as soon as I could get my hands on them. “Surviving the first year of widowhood” was a good one. I’m not interested in journaling yet but I have been reading very much and that also distracts plus gives me some hope. Wish you the best!

[DonnaM57]

Sorry for your loss.   I lost my husband in September to leukemia.  I dislike this whole process.  I'm out of my comfort zone and miss him terribly but I get some comfort from this site and hearing what you all are going through.  Keep telling your story, it helps - 

[KayC]

22 hours ago, GoldenRose said:

There are many detailed and helpful books on Amazon

Here's a list some have found helpful:
Books