Got hit by a drunk driver and my wife and baby died in my arms

[DeputyJim]

Some background I am a 32(YOM) and my wife 30(YOF). We grew in the same small town and were always friends. In 8th grade we started dating and it was a fairytale ever since. We were just meant to be together. It was true and genuine love. Sure we had our bad days just like any other couple but even after 20 years of being together I would still get butterflies when she walked into a room. She was the most beautiful and genuine person I'd ever met. She was my world. 1 year ago today we had our first child... It was a beautiful baby boy. We lived in a small mountain town and we both worked from home. Our jobs allowed us to create our own schedules and travel anywhere in the world while we worked. I lived by my family which meant a lot to me because my parents were getting old and living life with the them was everything to me. My life was perfect. There was honestly nothing I would change. But that all changed... My wife and I went out on a hike with our little boy one perfect winter evening. No snow on the roads and it was the middle of the week so we had the trail to ourselves. It was a brisk 42 degrees but the sun was out in full force and was so therapeutic and warming. Couldn't have asked for a better morning. We finished out little hike and our little one was giggling and smiling from ear to ear. We hopped in the car strapped the little guy in and took off. I work for law enforcement and I always have my radio going in my car. Over the radio came a REDDI report (Report Every Drunk Driver Immediately) and it was reported to be 20 miles away from us in the direction we were heading. I got on the radio and called into service and reported I was in the area. Drunk drivers was something I could not stand. We as a law enforcement agency just lost a Deputy to a drunk driver last year. When I catch drunk drivers I give them the maximum penalty. And they fully deserve it. There was a really good pull off spot about 5 miles ahead. If you've ever driven in the mountains before you know the roads are super super windy with a lot of blind curves. I wasn't going emergent because I knew I had plenty of time. 20 miles on this road would be about 45 minutes in driving time. He was a ways away from me. I came around this blind curve and in an instant we were struck my this larger SUV. We rolled over the guard rail and on the other side of the rail was the side of a mountain. My life flashed before my eyes. Everything was in slow motion. I could see my baby boy smiling without a care in the world while glass was flying by. It felt like minutes. It was super peaceful and horrific all at once. I can't explain it. I turned to my wife and she was bleeding very badly from the head and in her eyes was so much fear (Man... this is really fucking hard). Ummmm she was so scared in that moment and there was nothing I could do. As we rolled down the mountain and everything moving in slow motion I can remember seeing everything happen (I miss her so much and all I can remember is the fear on her face). Sorry guys my head is spinning so hard right now. Sorry if this is hard to follow. Ummm we came to rest at the bottom and I my body was just numb and my ears were ringing. I immediately went to reach back for our baby boy the sight I saw... I'm not going to explain it but gut wrenching.. graphic.. just nothing I would wish upon my worst enemy. A sight no father should have to see. I then turned to my wife and had multiple head injuries but she was still mumbling and breathing but not doing well. Being 200 feet down a mountain side I knew she wasn't going to make it. So I unstrapped her seat belt and laid my body across hers... I knew this would be the last time I could ever hug her. I don't think she could understand me.. I just think her body was dying and she wasn't there mentally. I just hope she knew how much I loved her and that she was my everything. I hope she heard me in that moment so she didn't have to die in fear. I hope she found peace in her last moments. Sorry guys... I just really needed to get this off my chest. I am really having a hard time to find the will to live. For the ones that listened.. Thank you.

[DonnaM57]

DeputyJim - I'm sorry for your loss.  Your wife and baby boy are at peace and watching out for you as your guardian angels.  Hope things get better for you.  Again sorry for your loss - DonnaM57 

[PLin]

I cannot imagine your pain and grief and how difficult it must be for you to cope with your anguish. Sending you strength and love to somehow get through these dark days.

[KayC]

8 hours ago, DeputyJim said:

I just hope she knew how much I loved her and that she was my everything. I hope she heard me in that moment so she didn't have to die in fear. I hope she found peace in her last moments

I am so so sorry for your loss.  This is one of the hardest posts I've ever read and I've been on grief sites nearly 17 years, helping others with their grief once I processed my own...my heart is struck as I read your account, and I know that is just a glimpse of what you've been through, how impacting on your life this has been.  I had a pastor once who went through this, losing his wife and two baby daughters all at once, in a car accident, he was driving.  It's not something that you ever get over, it's rather something you learn to live with, and that is a process, it takes years, but amazingly enough, our bodies begin to adjust as we process this, we learn to live with the changes it means for our lives.  It is never "okay" nor can it be, but you can learn to find small bits of joy along the way...if you want to...it takes concerted effort and looking for it.  You will not find it in drink, nor in drugs, nor in any escapism.  I'm glad you hate that people drink and drive, I feel the same.  My family suffered great tragedy in an accident 54 years ago, it killed my three year old nephew and left my oldest sister a quadriplegic with butchered vocal chords, my other sister with damaged equilibrium, she's completely disabled with dementia now, her care falls to me.  It's a lot.

I don't know how you'll make it through the next days, I can only tell you how I've made it through my own loss of husband, we only knew each other 6 1/2 years, he was my soulmate and best friend, he was everything to me!  We were supposed to grow old together, that was the plan, instead I'm now growing old alone.  When he first died I couldn't handle doing the next 40 years, it sent me into extreme anxiety!  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, that is a for sure!  I do one day at a time.  In the beginning, breaking it down into just an hour or even just one minute...that was enough.  I wake up and tell myself, "I can do today."  And I do it.  No matter what happens, how hard life is sometimes, I've survived so much and all by doing one day at a time..  I know that doesn't sound very alluring, my life isn't about trips to HI or cruises, it's survival.  But I'm doing it.  My puppy, Kodie, gives me the will and incentive I need to live, my last dog, Arlie, before him was my "soulmate in a dog," my best friend, and it killed me to lose him to cancer.  But Kodie was conceived when Arlie died, and born on my birthday, there's even more "coincidences" to it, but I feel we are fated to be together and I live in the now and try to embrace any good that is, esp. now that my "Big Joy," George, is gone.  

I hope you continue to come here and read and post, it helps, it helps us process our grief, it helps us know we're not alone in what we go through, that someone else gets it and understands...and cares.  Again, I am so sorry you are going through this.  As for the drunk drivers, keep getting them.  Dr. Phil says to find purpose in whatever we've been through, I do that by wanting to be here for others going through this...John Walsh does by having his Missing Persons, perhaps you can purpose what you've been through to help others...by getting drunk drivers off the road and behind bars.  It's up to them where their lives go from there..  You can't make others turn their lives around, only they can do that, but you can prevent one other person from suffering as you have.  Thank you for what you do, I wish the cost was not so great.  

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

 

[Jen H]

Wow I'm heartbroken after reading your story. To have such a wonderful life suddenly taken away from you.  How life can be such a mystery and so unfair.  I don't have much advise for you as your experience is beyond my imagination to be able to relate to even though I've had many losses in my life.  I can definitely understand how hopeless and traumatized you must be feeling.  All I can say  is take each day as they come.  Hope you have support from family and friends.  Coming here is a good step to help your healing.  We all have different stories but we all are suffering.  We are all here for you.  Thank you for telling your story and getting it out.  Best wishes.

[foreverhis]

@DeputyJim I hardly know what to say reading about you and your family’s tragedy. My heart hurts for you. As with Kay, I believe yours is one of the most heart wrenching stories imaginable. And that’s really saying something because all of us here have experienced the worst possible losses.

When I was in high school, four friends were hit by a drunk driver minutes after dropping me at home after a football game. They survived, but just barely, and one was in the hospital for nearly 6 months. I went from believing drunk driving was bad to basically wanting revenge on all who do it. I don’t want revenge anymore because that’s not my place and hurts only me, but definitely want the penalties for it to be severe. I mention this because I can only imagine the devastation for you now, knowing you fight for that justice every day.

There is no doubt in my mind that your wife and son knew and know the depth of your love for them. The bonds of love you share are forever. Deep love of the kind we here know is precious and eternal. 

For now, the cliché of truth is to get through each day, hour, or even breath, one at a time. That’s all you can do, even though you will probably not see how you will survive it. I couldn’t at first; all of us here have felt that way. There are days I still do. It took a long time before I could look at the day ahead and not dread it.

I imagine you have family, friends, and colleagues helping you. Please let them. Reach out as you are able, but also don’t push yourself or let anyone push you when you are not ready. Your grief is yours and will be unique to you. But here you will find that we are each walking our own journey on the same road together. You are not alone. 

[KayC]

3 hours ago, foreverhis said:

There is no doubt in my mind that your wife and son knew and know the depth of your love for them.

I absolutely agree!

And Annie (foreverhis), I'm sorry you experienced that, it's horrible to watch our loved ones go through this.

[foreverhis]

@KayC  Thank you Kay.  I know your family has suffered as well.  Ironically (or maybe tragically), I was taking in-class driver's training at the time.  That next Monday was the day they show all the gory films, including the ones about drunk driving.  The vice-principal came into the classroom and took me out.  She said that I was going through enough, that even though these weren't my "best friends," they were people I cared about.  We were all band/music/theater geeks and had been at the game to perform at half-time.  She also said that I didn't need to see the films to know the devastation of it, so I should go home early.  I appreciated that because I had already started to shake and cry in class.

[GoldenRose]

So so sorry to hear. My heart really goes out to you @DeputyJim. There isn’t anything that we can say to take the pain away or even ease it. Just know that you are not alone. While we all have different experiences, the physically devastating and debilitating pain is the same. While I can’t pretend to understand the depth of your grief, I too saw the person I loved most in a horrible state. Those images are so graphic and they stay with you. My husband passed away one month ago and I still have trouble sleeping- I’m sure you do too. 
 

Do you mind if I ask when the accident happened? I found the initial two weeks to be the hardest, not that the rest aren’t extremely hard, but the mental fog and confusion in those first two weeks crippled me completely. 
 

I am glad you found this site, it’s been very helpful to me. I’ve also begun therapy and that seems to help a bit too. Do you have a good support system around you? It makes a big difference and I suggest you accept all the help you are offered. 
 

Your world will never be the same, it will always be missing the beautiful light that was your wife and precious baby. A lot of things won’t make sense anymore and the motivation to go on left when they did. But that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be here or that you’ll never heal. In fact, you can honor them and their story every day. I definitely also have moments where it’s difficult to find the will to live without my wonderful husband. Just keep pushing through. It’s not easy but it will be worth it. 
 

Most importantly, just breathe. Take it one minute at a time and allow the emotions to come and go as they please. We grieve because we truly loved and the love we had was worth it. Please keep updating us, we are a little stronger together.

[DeputyJim]

This happened a couple of 12 days ago. Thank you so much for the precious reply. Reading all these comments helps me take my mind off of things for a few seconds... That is everything right now

[KayC]

15 hours ago, foreverhis said:

I appreciated that because I had already started to shake and cry in class.

Oh yes, it sounds like PTSD, which I also had.  For YEARS I couldn't see an accident, no matter how small, without...physically reacting.  I remember going somewhere with my church teens, we were on a bus, saw an accident, I got super quiet, there was a visible reaction from me because the whole bus went quiet...they knew.

 

14 hours ago, DeputyJim said:

Reading all these comments helps me take my mind off of things for a few seconds...

We want to be here for you.  At any time you can come back to this, your first thread, by clicking on your profile, then on your activity, then if there are multiple pages, click the last one and it will bring up your first post and comments with it.

 

[GoldenRose]

Hey @DeputyJim, how you holding up? 

[KG21]

@DeputyJim Sending you so much strength. It’s been 23 days since I lost my love. I’m struggling to figure out if time is going fast or slow. 23 nights without him seems like an eternity, but it all seems so fresh and cuts just as deep. Thinking about you. I hope you are surrounded by people who love you tonight. We are all here supporting you.  

[SDC]

My God. There aren't adequate words to respond to your horrifying loss. I'm sorry you endurable such horror. I hope you talk to a therapist to process your trauma on top of your grief. I'm sure you've dealt with other horrors in your line of work, but, obviously, this is far different. Be kind and gentle to yourself. 

[RN-Nix]

I am so sorry for your loss.  This is horrendous and unimaginable. You've definitely found the right place to grieve. Sending you a big hug!!! 

[Canadagirl81]

Jim.....no words.
I am so incredibly sorry for your tremendous and unthinkable loss. The pain you must feel....I'm so so sorry.
Holding you energetically, they are always with you.