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44 years of marriage, 51 years together


Sharon Ess

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I am new here. Just hoping to share experiences and feelings with others who have lost a partner and understand the turrmoio if feelings.

I lost my husband very suddenly earlier this month. We are waiting for the autopsy report but it appears that much of what happened in a brief 2 weeks was inept medical care during and after a simple biopsy. In a terrible twist of fate, his beloved dog died unexpectedly 5 days before he did following having to call EMS for my husband due to a stroke. The stroke was successfully treated but he died 4 days later anyway. So I lost my husband and our beautiful devoted dog together. 

 

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I'm so sorry for both your losses.  All of us here have different stories and situations but we all share the same emotions and heartache.  It's been four and a half months for me.  Even though the intial shock and anxiety have subsided, the lonliness and emptiness feels like it's going to be with me for awhile.  I stopped looking too much into the future.  Just taking it one day at a time.  Come here if it helps.  The people here all understand and will support you.  

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Thank you. I’m just hoping to be able to connect with others who understand. As you say, I feel like the loneliness, even with others around, and emptiness may be the new normal. My husband was my sounding board and support since I was a teenager. We grew up together, faced a lot of family issues together, and just always knew the other was just there, always. Now he’s gone. Unexpectedly and unexplained. 

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Brokenhearted333

How do you deal with moving on? At night and holidays  are the worst for me

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Well to tell you the truth, I don't think we ever completely move on from such deep grieve but we do have to keep on living.  I definitely am grateful his birthday and all those holidays have passed.  Now just dealing with the winter blues myself.

For me after four and a half months, everyday is still a struggle.  I put on a brave face but inside I'm a total wreck.  Some days are worse than others.  These days I struggle just getting out of bed.  Days where I have to have a drink or two just to calm my mind.  Other days are not so bad.  Im able to have moments of joy and laughter in between the sadness and heartache I feel inside.  I can only handle the present day so far.  The future is too unbearable to think about.  The real early days I kept saying I wanted to die.  How can I go on day after day with half of my heart missing?  How can I live with my everything gone?  I'm still figuring that out but I do know I don't really want to die.  I don't want to be in agony day after day but I have my daughter and brother to live for.  So I keep getting up everyday and living the best I can.  I can't help but to feel empty and sad inside but I don't want to feel like this for the rest of my life.  Regardless if I'm happy, sad, angry, etc, it's not going to bring him back.  Also I can't just live for my daughter and brother but for myself.  I have to find enjoyment and fulfillment for myself.  I doubt I'll ever find what I had with him even though I'm only 46 but I think I'll be okay with that reality.  I don't need someone, I need something or somethings to give me joy and purpose.  I know what I need to do but accomplishing these goals is still a working process.  Lately I've been feeling depressed and unmotivated.  Just working and cleaning my house pretty much.  Not doing anything else productive.  So the other day I made a weekly planner.  Didn't try to put too much on my plate.  Just a couple of tasks on days when I'm not working most of the day.  Soon there will be warmer weather so planning on some outdoor activities.  Also I try to keep in touch with a couple of his friends and family worth my time.  Only going out a couple times a month but this is all I can muster for right now.  My new chapter in life is still being written.  It's unknown and terrifying to think too much about.  I did have such hopelessness at first.  I realize now that if you have no hope, you have nothing.  I'm trying to have hope.  Hope for better days.  Hope to feel happiness again.  Hope to be reunited with him when it's my time.  This time forever.

Know that everyone's situation is different but pretty much the same in how we are feeling and what we are going through.  The real early days just getting out of bed and getting through each day is an accomplishment.  Let yourself have those brief moments of joy and laughter.  Try not to feel guilty when they come.  Surround yourself with supportive family and friends.  Take time out for yourself with positive hobbies or activities.  Some of mine are exercising, cooking a good meal, and playing with my two kittens.  Pretty simple things.  Nothing too extreme.  Know that it's normal to have good days only to have something trigger a moment to days of feeling like your going backwards.  Let the tears out when needed.  Come here to know you're not alone or going insane.  Say whatever you feel you need to say.  No one will judge you here.  

 

 

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I am so sorry for your loss, I know it's immense, nothing can prepare us for something like this!  My husband's death was also sudden/unexpected.  It sent me into shock, anxiety through the roof, I didn't know where to start.  That was 16 1/2 years ago, it was a forum like this that saved me.  I've been learning about grief ever since and have led grief support groups.  Learning to take one day at a time really helped me, it also helped me to learn to live in the present moment as I could appreciate what is, no matter how small, and embrace the good in life, it is a concerted effort, a learned process but was worthwhile to my journey.  It takes such effort to make our way through this journey, all while our brain doesn't want to function and we're exhausted, can't sleep, etc.

Grief Process
 

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

  • Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
  • Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
  • Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
  • Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
  • Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
  • Try not to isolate too much.  
  • There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
  • Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
  • Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
  • In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
  • Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
  • Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
  • Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
  • Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
  • Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
  • Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
  • Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

 

12 hours ago, Brokenhearted333 said:

At night and holidays  are the worst for me

Weekends were my toughest as that had been "our time," since we focused so much on work during the workweek, working opposite shifts, but it was hard not getting his phone calls on his breaks, not hearing his car drive in, no one here doing the little things he did, and all these years later, I still can't sleep in our bed, it is a reminder of his absence.  All this at a time when I most needed friends, and they all disappeared.  Immediately.

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I am new to this group. I lost my husband and soul mate of 53 years-married 44 years-8 months ago. I cannot even articulate the pain that sits just under the surface. At first I was just numb, but gradually the pain set in. I am fortunate that I still have my work which keeps me occupied much of the time. I tried therapy but it was not helpful at all. I tried a zoom support group but that made me more depressed. I have read a couple of wonderful books that have helped.  One was "A Grief Observed" by C.S. Lewis. The other is "It's OK That You're Not OK" by Megan Devine. This is the book that led me to seek support online from the only people who really understand--others who are in this learning to live in a new way. Thanks for being there. BMW 

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26 minutes ago, BMW said:

I am new to this group. I lost my husband and soul mate of 53 years-married 44 years-8 months ago. I cannot even articulate the pain that sits just under the surface.

I am deeply sorry for such a tremendous loss for you. Articulating the immense pain is frustrating in itself! It's indescribable and yet, we have this need to try. We need to express it and let it out but the words are never efficient. 

I have the book "It's OK That You're Not OK" on order (hopefully it arrives this week) so I'm glad to hear that it has your approval. If you aren't aware, Megan Devine has a YouTube channel with short snippets of comforting thoughts. I like her fighting spirit when it comes to grief as she knows that this isn't some guided journey to follow. I'm finding that we basically do this without a map.

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4 hours ago, BMW said:

who are in this learning to live in a new way.

That basically sums it up.  The hole in your heart doesn't seem like it will ever go away.  You just have to continue your life living with it.  Glad you found this place.  It has helped me tremendously.  Hope it helps you as well. 

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21 hours ago, BMW said:

"A Grief Observed" by C.S. Lewis. The other is "It's OK That You're Not OK" by Megan Devine.

My two all time favorites!  Both very good!  

Welcome here.  I am very sorry for your loss...I know, trite words that don't begin to sum up all that we feel, but believe me, all of us here feel those words to the core, we live it, each and every day even as you are now.  I didn't get nearly as long with my husband, oh that I could have, but I don't think there's a good time to lose them, no matter how many years we did or didn't get...he was my person, my soul mate, my best friend.  It's hard when you've been together for so long, you don't know how to do life without them.  It's been 17 years for me next month (on Father's Day), the 19th.  I didn't see how I could live without him for a week!  One day/month/year seems to turn into another.  It doesn't seem possible.  I've learned more on this journey than in my whole life put together, but I'd trade it all in a heartbeat for five more minutes with him!  Who of us wouldn't.

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

  • Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
  • Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
  • Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
  • Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
  • Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
  • Try not to isolate too much.  
  • There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
  • Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
  • Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
  • In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
  • Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
  • Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
  • Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
  • Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
  • Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
  • Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
  • Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

 

 

Continuing Bonds - WYG
Continuing Relationships
Continuing beyond physical death

Thinking About Continuing Bonds | Psychology Today
 

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