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Funeral Day


GoldenRose

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@GoldenRose I want to express how sorry I am for the loss of your husband, partner and best friend.  You are so young, what a traumatic experience you’ve had to endure.  My heart goes out to you!  Please do not fall into the trap of blaming yourself in anyway for your husband’s death.  I did this (and sometimes still do).  We look for a reason for the decision they made to take their life because it just doesn’t make sense.  You mentioned his depression, his mental health.  Just know this is the illness that took him and it is not different than any other disease.   
 

I hope you have family around you who are supportive and will give you opportunities to cry and talk about your husband.  If you feel you are unable to cope I suggest a therapist who specializes in grief related to suicide.  This helped me immensely and gave me perspective that I needed long term.  Please come here to post and ask questions.  We are many who are in our own grief journey but are willing to listen and offer support.  

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GoldenRose, I too am so very sorry for the tragic loss of your husband.  SSC provided some excellent insight and advice. Like you, the pain and deep seated loneliness I felt was crushing, but it eventually lessened in intensity.  Try and take care of your health, have family stay with you if possible, and do only essential tasks. Your energy should be focused on your own well-being.  We will support you as best we can. 
 

Hugs and prayers, Steve 

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5 hours ago, SSC said:

@GoldenRose I want to express how sorry I am for the loss of your husband, partner and best friend.  You are so young, what a traumatic experience you’ve had to endure.  My heart goes out to you!  Please do not fall into the trap of blaming yourself in anyway for your husband’s death.  I did this (and sometimes still do).  We look for a reason for the decision they made to take their life because it just doesn’t make sense.  You mentioned his depression, his mental health.  Just know this is the illness that took him and it is not different than any other disease.   
 

I hope you have family around you who are supportive and will give you opportunities to cry and talk about your husband.  If you feel you are unable to cope I suggest a therapist who specializes in grief related to suicide.  This helped me immensely and gave me perspective that I needed long term.  Please come here to post and ask questions.  We are many who are in our own grief journey but are willing to listen and offer support.  

Thank you so much for your response. You’re right, I do blame myself sometimes. My husband suffered in silence and didn’t reach out for help. I always saw him as a fun loving and goofy guy who was amazing with my family and friends. It was a shock to say the least. I feel guilty because as his wife I wish I would have caught something or been able to change his mind somehow. Lots of different emotions. I will definitely reach out to a professional and will try to find a suicide grief specialist. 
I am glad to be here and appreciate the support. Best wishes to you as well. 

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Your pain and grief are still so raw at this time GoldenRose.  Work is a good distraction for me. I’m glad you have a loving family that supports you.  This is the time when you find out who in your circle of family and friends really loves and cares about you.  You will regain your hope, dreams, and hobbies again in your own time. And yes, the empty shell feeling goes away too,  We will always miss our loved ones, but we must do our best to move forward even it’s in only tiny steps.  For me, my tiny steps were sometimes as simple as getting joy from a baby’s smile,  

God bless, Steve

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I am so sorry for your loss, my heart goes out to you.  To hear of the young ones is the hardest.  I lost my husband suddenly unexpectedly, just after his 51st bdy, we didn't meet until our mid-40s and he was my soulmate and best friend, the best stepdad in the world.

In the beginning I didn't see how I could survive a week w/o him.  My anxiety was through the roof!  I was facing the whole "rest of my life" without him...I learned to do today.  I stick to that still.  I see you've posted three times yesterday, I hope you'll continue to come here to read/post, it helps process this all and especially helps to know you're not alone in it, that there are others that get it and understand.  When I lost my George, all our friends disappeared overnight, seriously, my two BFFs turned out not to be, didn't even bother attending his funeral!  I know they're not "fun" but I never would have done that to them!  Grief has a way of rewriting our address book.  My family cared but didn't have a clue what I was going through, still doesn't.

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

  • Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
  • Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
  • Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
  • Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
  • Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
  • Try not to isolate too much.  
  • There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
  • Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
  • Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
  • In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
  • Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
  • Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
  • Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
  • Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
  • Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
  • Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
  • Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

8 hours ago, GoldenRose said:

I’m having a hard time eating, have already lost over 10 pounds in these 3 weeks.

Try opting for healthy smoothies, sometimes it's easier to drink something than eat.. 

Spouse's Suicide
Grief Support for Survivors of Suicide Loss
Surviving A Spouse's Death by Suicide

 

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I experienced the same emotions and anxiety GoldenRose.  Do only what you can. Don’t push yourself. Your coworkers and boss should understand that you will need time to adjust. 
 

 

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GoldenRose, my heart goes out to you, in reading all you are going through, it's a lot.  I second everything SSC said...

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Hey everyone, just wanted to share a little update. 
I was able to finish my first week back at work. It was very difficult and took every ounce of energy I had but I made it. I got past all the “sorry for your loss” and “glad to have you back” comments. I cried a lot but hopefully every week I cry just a little less. 

Tomorrow marks one month and I’m shocked at how slow and fast time feels all at once. I still pick up my phone to text my husband or look next to me to whisper an inside joke in his ear only to have the gut wrenching mental reminder that he’s gone. I find that saying his name out loud and bringing him up in conversations helps.

I’ve been struggling a lot with the fact that my husband took his own life. It makes me frustrated sometimes and other times sadness washes over me like a heavy blanket. I feel pretty stupid for thinking he was fine. I feel pretty stupid in general. Did anyone else lose all self esteem and confidence when their spouse died? I can’t seem to see my worth now that he’s gone. I often would refer to him as “my better half” or say he was the “the best part about myself.” 

I wish I could skip the next three years and just see how I’m doing then. People have stopped texting as much, I haven’t gotten flowers in a week and my sister who flew out to be with me has to return home tomorrow. Life really does go on for everyone else but us huh?

Hugs for everyone all around because lord knows I need a big one from my goofy husband! Miss him so much! 

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On 2/20/2022 at 10:09 PM, GoldenRose said:

I also worry that they will expect more than I’m capable of giving.

I'd have a heart to heart honest talk with your employer.  I did, I asked him to double check my work for awhile as I didn't trust my brain, I'd never asked this of a boss in my life!  I'd always done perfect work, super dependable.  Grief changes things.  With the recession my job ended within months as the business went down (Bush in office) and my next job was easier although I had to commute.  I still miss that job though and my boss, who moved out of state.  It was another loss.

Yes, life seems to go on for everyone but us.  Even other that miss him, their loss is different.

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@KayC Thank you for being so active on this forum. I’m so devastated and I range from feeling loved and supported to completely alone without my husband but your constant replies to everyone here are very helpful. Do you mind sharing a bit more about your journey with me? How long has it been since your husband passed and do you feel you ever reached “the other side” of the grief tunnel? I find that positivity and hopefulness from other widows/widowers are the only things that give me some hope for my own future. 

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He died 06/19/2005, Father's Day...now they've made a holiday out of it, to me it will always be the day George died.  :(
There IS no "other side" of grief, there is but processing it, adjusting to the changes it means for our lives, and coping...surviving.  It does get easier to do as we hone our coping skills and begin to adjust, but always, always, we live with it...that George-shaped hole in my heart.  Each and every day of my life I miss him and continue to love him.  I rarely talk about it to anyone unless they're going through it too, little does my family realize, except now I have one sister who has been through it, but even the same, her loss is different than mine as their relationship was different.  She is just realizing that they did love each other.  I tried to tell her all along, but she always found fault with him.  He took complete care of her.

I am not stabbed in my heart anymore, I function, I'm used to it, as much as one can get used to it...the rest I live with.

 

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Alexa Fields

I’m so sorry for your loss. I understand your pain completely. Do not blame yourself. Feeling guilt is common, as I’m sure his family feels guilty and is grieving the same way you are. My boyfriend of 2 and a half years committed suicide this past week. He lost his battle with depression, and he also had very bad tinnitus. He was only 24 and I’m only 23. We lived together and our house doesn’t feel like a home anymore. I just lay in his bed all day, depressed thinking I could have done something different. If I tried a little harder.  I’m so sorry. 

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Wow, that is a lot to deal with, so young, I remember when my George died, sudden, unexpected, we only got each other 6 1/2 years and he was gone, the hardest thing I've ever dealt with.

Suicide is not something you could have fixed for him...I'm sorry.  It's common to blame ourselves for their death "if only I'd done this or that, if only I'd known/realized..." but the truth is we aren't responsible for their deaths, no matter how it came about, it's just it's so unpalatable for us to conceive of what happened, so we try to think of some other possible outcome...what if...but there is none other than what happened.:wub:

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I am struggling a lot today. The pain of missing him is like a physical stab throughout my entire body. It’s been a day of hysterical crying, and no desire or will to live. I feel so tired of grief, is that a normal feeling? Like I know I can’t just stop the grieving process but my body is completely overwhelmed and very very tired. I wish I could crawl into a warm cave and sleep for the next 2 years. Life without my husband doesn’t make much sense nor does it seem like something I can ever enjoy again.

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I am so sorry you're struggling, oh gosh, I did for a very very long time!  Pretty much anything/everything we can feel is "normal" in grief.  It's very hard in the beginning, you are very fresh into this.  So unfortunately, yes.  Hang in there.  Grief is exhausting!
Physical Grief Symptoms Whats your Grief
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2013/03/physical-reactions-to-loss.html

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