Unexpected loss of husband

[Missing th Love of my Life]

I'm so thankful to have found this site.  I unexpectedly lost my husband of nearly 34 years on Nov 7, 2021. We went to bed Saturday night, and I woke up to find him dead beside me the next morning.   I've been so devastated, lost, confused, and hopeless.  I wish I had been the one to die instead of him...the grief is almost unbearable. I can't sleep in our bed and don't know if I'll ever be able to.   I don't feel that many understand the emptiness and heartbreak unless they've experienced it for themselves.  We spent almost all our time together and went almost everywhere together.  He was my heart!  The grief hasn't gotten any better in 3 months..... I'm still struggling to just focus and make it through each day!  I'm breaking down daily.  Thanksgiving and Christmas was so hard without him and our anniversary is 2/20.  Everywhere I go and everything I do breaks me down because it's all memories of what we did together.  We even worked together.  This is sooooo hard and I'm so empty!  

[Tami M]

I am sorry for your loss.  I lose my husband in November the same way.  We had covid and he was sleeping on the couch that night.  I found him when I woke up in the morning.  I am honestly handling the day to day ok.  But we also did everything together as a family with our daughter.  We went shopping together ect.  It was rare that we were not all together except for work.  I am keeping busy with my 12 yo's schedule, but I am having a hard to time doing things for me.  I am missing my companion in life.  I am leaning on friends and family.  They are all wonderful and are happily helping.  I do have a wonderful support system.  

I am glad you found this site.  I just started posting myself this past week.  I am finding it helpful.  I understand the empty.  I don't feel guilty having a smile, but I have a hard time getting a genuine smile.  I am trying daily, just doing what I can.  

Many hugs coming your way.

[Jen H]

I hope coming here helps you, as it has helped me tremendously.  Everyone here understands and will support you.  We all have different stories with different situations but we all are suffering the same.  It's been just over four months for me and it has been the worst time of my life.  Coming here has helped me be able to vent and know I'm not alone or going insane.  Please come here whenever you feel needed.  We all are here for you. 

[KayC]

I am so sorry for your loss!  You must feel shocked since this was unexpected/sudden, that's how my husband's was, he'd just turned 51 five days before, he died Father's Day 2005.  Even all these years later, I have adjusted as much as one can, and yet I still love and miss him each and every day...they are never forgotten.  There is a George-shaped hole in my heart...

Keep coming here, we want to go through this with you if you want us to.  It helps, it was a site such as this that literally saved me when I went through it, our friends disappeared overnight and my family didn't have a clue what I was going through although they cared.  Even now, they don't have a clue what this is like as they still have their spouses, but one sister lost her husband 1 1/2 years ago.  I want to be here for anyone going through this.  My heart goes out to you. 

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

[DGB]

Hello everyone,

I lost my husband in July 2021, he was only 51. He went to work like every other day and had a heart attack at work and was in ICU for 2 days but never regained consciousness!  We were together for 19 years and married for 16 years. I lost my best friend my husband and my caregiver and I’m lost without him!

[GoldenRose]

Hello @DGB I am so very sorry to hear about your loss. You’ve come to the right place, this is a wonderful community with people who know how you are feeling as we all have stories like yours. My husband passed away 7 weeks ago. This forum has been a life saver!
Are you struggling with something in particular?

Sending you a virtual hug.

[KayC]

17 hours ago, DGB said:

Hello everyone,

I lost my husband in July 2021, he was only 51. He went to work like every other day and had a heart attack at work and was in ICU for 2 days but never regained consciousness!  We were together for 19 years and married for 16 years. I lost my best friend my husband and my caregiver and I’m lost without him!

I am so sorry for your loss!  Your story sounds similar to mine...I lost mine nearly 17 years ago.  We were always together when we weren't at work, he was my everything!  My soulmate, best friend, lover, the love of my life!  Once a year I'd go to my sisters' reunion (five of us girls plus our daughters) at the coast, while he'd go on a fishing excursion with his friends.  I left Fri morning 6/17/05, and afterwards he started having a heart attack and drove himself to the doctor!  The doctor gave him a nitroglycerine and called an ambulance.  He wanted to call me but George saiid, "No, she's been working so hard, I don't want to ruin her weekend."  The doctor said, "You know she's going to be mad, right?"  He said, "I know, I'll deal with that later."  And on he went to the hospital.  That night our friend called to let me know, and my sister wouldn't drive me there.  She wanted to stay and gamble.  I don't gamble and my weekend was already ruined, I just wanted to be with my husband!  But I had no way to get there.  I called George and he said he'd be in testing all day Sat. and wouldn't be able to see me anyway.  Still!  Sat. night I talked to him, things had changed, he was very down, he must have got the results back, he didn't tell me anything.  I didn't sleep all weekend.  Sun. morning I was on my sister to get me to the hospital!  She didn't get me there until afternoon, people were with him, we got a very quick conversation...the heart surgeon came in and explained things to me, my mind was in shock, I was reeling, unable to process or retain anything!  He had five blocked arteries, was to have heart surgery the next day, but we didn't hold out hope for him pulling through.  He'd just turned 51 five days before.  He didn't make it to surgery, they took him to ICU, when I was allowed back in, he was asleep.  I held/stroked his hand, he woke up having a heart attack.  I ran for the nurses, they called code, doctors came running, the nurse threw me off the ward and locked the door behind me.  I wanted to be with him as he went through his transition!  I found a little room and was praying, it must have been close to an hour later, I saw four of them coming.  They didn't have to say a word, I knew...it was Father's Day, June 19th, 2005.

The worst weekend, worst day of my life.  My daughter came for me.  I didn't see how I could survive a week without him, let alone the rest of my life!  My family is cursed with living into their 90s.  I couldn't handle thinking about the whole rest of my life, it was too much.  I learned to take one day at a time, one hour, one minute as need be.  I do that still.  I've gotten used to this aloneness, adjusted as much as one can to the changes it's meant for my life, but this is not what we signed on for, it was never my preference to be alone.

I am glad you found this place, I hope you will continue to come here, to read and post, it helps!  It helps to know you're not alone in what you're going through.  I'm committed to being here for others going through this, just as someone was there for me when I found my forum all those years ago.  I am very sorry for all you are going through, it's not something any of us will ever forget.

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

[Canadagirl81]

I am so sorry.
Patience, love and kindness to yourself is top priority now...do it for your husband even if you can't do it for yourself just yet. Baby steps...3 months is very recent and everything you are feeling is completely expected, flow with the emotions of it all. You are not alone here by any means. I am so sorry......I'm sending you the biggest hug. Come here, talk to us....we are all here with you.