Can't live without my dog

[magicmiriam]

Today is 3 weeks and i'm getting worse, the pain is crippling. I can't stop crying.

I just came back from his grave, it was covered in snow, i lost it.

Everyone is starting to get angry at me for still crying and not moving on. They can all go to hell.

I can't bring myself to accept he's gone.

I need him, i can't live without him.

[foreverhis]

Hi.  I really, really don't want this to come out like a platitude because it isn't.  I have been there, where you are now, in the past.  Until I lost my husband, the two worst losses of my life were when we lost our two most special fur babies, one dog and one cat and three years apart.  It was so hard, so painful, that there were days I didn't know how I would endure it.  Then I lost the love of my life and I swear there were days when it felt as if my grief might actually be fatal and that my broken heart would actually kill me.

You're absolutely right that it is not up to anyone else to tell you how to feel or how long (or simply how) to grieve.  It is up to you and you alone.  IMO and my experience, three weeks is still so fresh, raw, and all-encompassing that I'd be surprised if you didn't feel the way you do.  These first weeks are the worst in that way because we are still in shock and our hearts cannot believe it is true.  And acceptance of what happened (not accepting it is right or fair because it isn't) also takes time.  I imagine seeing his grave covered with snow was very devastating today.  How could it not be?

I have to admit to being very concerned for you right now.  If you are not just feeling that you can't go on living, but are actively considering how to, well, not go on, I urge you to contact a help line and/or a pet loss grief therapist.  Not everyone understands how deep and lasting our grief is when we've lost our "soulmate in a pet."  The members here do, but that may not be quite as much as you need right now.  Still, I urge you to keep coming here to talk, cry, rant, scream, and whatever else might help you just get through each day and each hour. 

My heart hurts so much for you today, knowing that smothering pain, especially in early grief.  I wish I had something "perfect" to say to help, but I don't think those words exist.  Just know that the members here care and are here for you.

[magicmiriam]

When you wrote :

" there were days when it felt as if my grief might actually be fatal and that my broken heart would actually kill me."

That's exactly how i feel. You said it so right. Everything you wrote made me feel like finally someone understand how deep my grief is.  i would have done anything to keep him alive, anything. I would have made a deal with the devil if i could. You are really an amazing person, you know exactly what to say. Yes it's still raw and i'm trying my best especially for Mylo and Brownie. Tiny loved them so much and he wants them to be happy. I still can't laugh or feel joy. How can i even smile if he's not around, it feels like betrayal still.

One minute, one hour, one day , that's how i live now.

 

Quote

Quote

 

 

 

[magicmiriam]

10 minutes ago, magicmiriam said:

When you wrote :

" there were days when it felt as if my grief might actually be fatal and that my broken heart would actually kill me."

That's exactly how i feel. You said it so right. Everything you wrote made me feel like finally someone understand how deep my grief is.  i would have done anything to keep him alive, anything. I would have made a deal with the devil if i could. You are really an amazing person, you know exactly what to say. Yes it's still raw and i'm trying my best especially for Mylo and Brownie. Tiny loved them so much and he wants them to be happy. I still can't laugh or feel joy. How can i even smile if he's not around, it feels like betrayal still.

One minute, one hour, one day , that's how i live now.

 

 

 

[KayC]

Losing my husband was the hardest thing I've ever been through, and that says a lot, I have been through an extraordinary a lot in my life.  Then I got Arlie, and for 10 1/2 years he was my everything, my perfect companion, so goofy and fun, so sweet and considerate, amazing communication, more so than any dog I've ever known. To lose him felt like losing George all over again.  Some thought it brought up old pain, no, I don't think so.  It was as deep in and of itself!  Just as George was my soulmate/husband, I always called Arlie my soulmate in a dog.  I've had ten...he was my closest.  (Now Kodie is that too but not in the same ways.)  I will always miss Arlie, just as I will always miss George.  I just cleaned off his grave from the winter ravages.  One of the sticks that bordered his grave is gone with the wind...I had it marking where his feet lay.    Now only one is left...

It's so hard.  When someone, be it human or animal, is very much an interactive part of our everyday lives, it is very hard to lose them.  Not only was he my companion but my best friend and protector.  My everything.

My heart goes out to you, I know the pain all too well.  I hate that these changes take place and we're supposed to get used to them?  It's a process, quite a process...

[magicmiriam]

I'm so sorry for your loses, you've lost so much, my heart goes out to you. The fact that you help everyone in their grief makes you a very special person. You help us in our darkest hours. You understand me more than family and friends. I've read a lot of your answers to so many posts and you're amazing.

Yes, this was a big change for me, i never lost anything or anyone and to lose my soulmate first is beyond just grief.

I honestly feel like i'm being tortured all day and night without him. I still haven't accepted it, it's like part of me still thinks i can take him out of the ground and revive him, or i'll wake up from this dream, something, anything, i can't believe i won't see him in this life anymore. I have chest pains all day, i can actually feel my heart break. One minute he's here and the next he's gone. I never had to think about death, and i don't know how to even handle it.

Like you, i went to his grave yesterday and there were twigs everywhere and his grave was not visible with all the snow, i cleared it all the way. I touched the ground, i had this urge to dig but it was solid like rock. I cried and cried and couldn't believe he is actually under my feet inside the ground. I protected him from everythng with silk gloves and now i can't protect him anymore.

Still crying all day but mostly in private now, no one can deal with me anymore.

[KayC]

Now he doesn't need protected anymore.  Now he's okay, and I truly believe you'll be together again.  We're getting snow in this week too, starting this afternoon.  Still have some left from over a month ago in places.

Grief affects us physically sometimes so it's no wonder you're going through that.  Sometimes it helps to meditate, start with short ones...
Physical Reactions to Loss
Physical Grief Symptoms What's Your Grief
Meditation in Grief
Meditation: Helpful to Those Who Grieve
Meditations
Meditation - Tools for Healing - Grief Healing Discussion Groups

[Gary55]

@magicmiriamI'm truly sorry to read of your loss. I had a pain in my heart for months when Goldie passed 14 months ago. When I left the vet I wanted to know where he was and how could I be with him. I hardly left the house for months.  I cried several times a day for 6 months, it's less now but can happen at any time.

I believe in an afterlife, and have had proof he's around. That kinda saved me. That said I miss him physically so much. He doesn't need protected now. They're OK where they are. I talk to Goldie all the time, they do hear us. We all understand here. 

[magicmiriam]

@KayC I also believe i will see him in the afterlife but it seems so far away, every minute in this life without him feels like an eternity.

I had a dream last night that i dug up his grave and got in it with him and i remember being happy, 

I'm still mourning heavily, it's 23 days today and i break down a lot, i pretend now to be better to everyone around me bacause i can't handle their comments if i say i'm not ok.

I cry by myself and i scream in the car at the top of my lungs. I need him, so want to smell him.

I come here a lot because everyone here understands me and say things that help me heal.

[magicmiriam]

@Gary55 That's how i feel now, the way you felt then, my body, soul and mind are in so much pain.

I do everything like a zombie, work, family, friends. I'm there but i'm not there. They talk to me, i hear them but i'm not listening. I ca only think about my Tiny.

How i wish i were with him, wherever he is , that's where i want to be. I lost my compass and i have no direction anymore.

Nothing seems important anymore. 

Just feel like i'm walking a tight rope.

Thanks for your words, they help, everyone here is a great help to me.

[Gary55]

@magicmiriamhere we all understand. I've spoken to lots of people who haven't a clue, some think they are helping but in reality it's best if they said nothing. There is no linear path through grief, and we can all experience it differently. I also lost direction back then, and I've not found it again. One thing that helped me some was meditation and exploring spiritual things. I feel more connected to him in this. Thinking of you at this time. 

[magicmiriam]

@Gary55 Since Tiny passed away I've become more spiritual as well. It gives me hope that i will reunite with him. I was watching a documentary called surviving death and it was interesting how hospice patients see their dog before they pass away. There is a doctor doing extensive research on hospice patients and how they actually see loved ones before passing. None have dementia or are taking mind altering drugs, they all have Chrystal clear minds. There were so many things that helped me watching it. Before Tiny passed away i would have laughed at a lot of it but now when i watch it i soak in every word. Being spiritual helps a lot you're right. I'm no longer afraid to die, for i will be with Tiny. I was always afraid to fly and now the fear is gone. My happiness is gone too. So many things changed in a split second. I just miss him so much. I find that even people who lost a loved one don't know what to say to me. They like to compare, it's annoying.

Again thank you and i hope you find your direction one day. I will try meditation, never have. @KayC also recommended meditation and sent me some links. She's so amazing, i feel so attached to her.

[Gary55]

@magicmiriamthat's interesting you've become more spiritual too. I'm also now not afraid to die, I know he will be there. I've read lots and watched stuff about NDE'S, there is so much we don't know or dismiss. As some say, we are spiritual beings having a human experience. One day none of this will matter. Goldie's gift to me is to become more spiritual I'm sure. Perhaps Tony is leading you in this direction too. 

 

[magicmiriam]

@Gary55Yes that's one of his many gifts Tiny gave me.

I think about the afterlife a lot because i feel he's there and that's the only way for me to be close to him. 

But,,,,I still feel a part of me has been amputated. Your brain  can still feel the amputated part but you can't move it because it's gone.

[foreverhis]

3 hours ago, magicmiriam said:

Since Tiny passed away I've become more spiritual as well. It gives me hope that i will reunite with him. I was watching a documentary called surviving death and it was interesting how hospice patients see their dog before they pass away. There is a doctor doing extensive research on hospice patients and how they actually see loved ones before passing.

I can't say with certainty, but I think this may be true.  My husband was in his last hours and I was playing our favorite music.  Our daughter had called and I put her on speaker.  I believe he heard her and was comforted.  Our girls are in Seattle and had just visited the week before, so they couldn't get here in time. 

When I could tell that the time was near, I said, "It's okay, love.  I love you so much.  I'm sorry I didn't save you.  It's time for you to go find Charlie and Penny (our two most special fur babies who we missed every day)."  I could be wrong because John wasn't able to speak by then, his eyes were closed, and I don't know how much he heard, but it seemed like his body relaxed further and it wasn't long after that he took his last breath.  Maybe I just want to believe it's true, but I'm not sure it matters.  It comforts me to think of their joyous reunion.

[magicmiriam]

@foreverhisYour story is so sad, my heart goes out to you. I think he did feel calmer that he was going to see Charlie and Penny. I'm sure they are together now.

It makes me feel a bit better knowing that one day i will see Tiny, it gives me hope that i will one day see him again.

Most people around me are not spiritual except my husband who is very spiritual, i never related but now i feel closer to him because he believes in the afterlife.

My bother called me a few days ago to see how i'm feeling and when i said not so good he snapped at me and said, it's 3 weeks, get over it, i wanted to snap at him but i didn't. Then i said to him that i look forward to one day reuniting with Tiny in the afterlife and he laughed and said i'm losing my mind. He said Miriam when you die you die, there is no afterlife it's a fairy tale. Get over Tiny and accept you will never see him again. If my brother was in front of me i probably would have punched him in the face. I should never have taken his call, my husband told me not to talk to anyone who hasn't lost a fur baby.

I still cry every day, 100 times a day, i still can't eat and i can't sleep well. I just want him back so bad it hurts.

[AJWCat]

Grief is very difficult for other people to manage let alone the people that are in grief.

They want what is best for you. It seems cruel, but mostly just misguided. Everyone is helpless to help. 

In my experience the only thing left is time. One hour at a time. One day at a time. I had no other animals to take care of. We were totally alone. 

Time eventually passed and and I managed to get through it.

Sweet Tiny would never want you to suffer so greatly.  

 

 

[magicmiriam]

@AJWCatThank you, yes i'm sure Tiny doesn't want me to suffer but i am going through hell, it's been 24 days and it's not getting better, i just pretend.

 

Feeling extreme loneliness

Intense longing and constant thoughts of Tiny

Feeling that you could have done something to prevent his death

Bitterness and anger

Problems trusting other people

Feeling that life has lost its meaning or that a part of me died

Being unable to accept my loss, or to be able to imagine or adjust to life without Tiny

Feeling stuck in my grief with no relief from pain – as though time stopped when i lost Tiny

[KayC]

15 hours ago, foreverhis said:

When I could tell that the time was near, I said, "It's okay, love.  I love you so much.  I'm sorry I didn't save you.  It's time for you to go find Charlie and Penny (our two most special fur babies who we missed every day).

We also gave my MIL (the mom I always wanted) permission to go, and after three years bedridden with cancer she slipped away in the wee hours finally and peacefully.  I took care of her her last three years and was so close to her, I didn't know how I'd live w/o her but somehow we do, I don't know how. 

I posted an article about a house fire on FB, the guy went back to save his dog and they both perished.  I wrote, "I could see me doing that."  My son's friend replied, "Your kids/grandkids would miss you more than any dog would, not worth losing your life over."  NO, just no!  My Kodie would miss me more than anyone and I am his protector, he my companion...just as my Arlie had been.  I would give my life for him, and would for Arlie too. In my: Memories of Arlie I write: 
My son invited us up to his place, it was 2 ½ hours away so Arlie rode in the back seat of my Civic.  My DIL had a book on places to hike in their vicinity so we set out, the dogs in the back of the truck, grandkids in tote.  We got to the beginning of the trail, my son and DIL following behind, Arlie and I in the lead.  We’re near the top of the mountain when the trail began to narrow.  We reached an area where half of it had washed away and I don’t know how he did it, but Arlie was turned around on the trail.  There was no room and I was trying to help him but he was in panic mode and when he gets like that, he doesn’t even hear what I’m saying.  All of a sudden his hind feet slipped off the trail, dangling and without even thinking, the mother in me swooped out and brought his hind end back in on the trail.  My son was watching this from several feet behind me and turned every shade of white.  He said, “Next time, cut the dog loose.”  I replied, “Not on your life!  I’d go with him first!”  I was horrified to think how close a call it had been and I knew I meant it…I’d risk my own life for him…indeed I HAD!  I never wanted to take him on a trail I didn’t know from then on.

 

[KayC]

This is all very poignant and our feelings are deep, others who do not love like this cannot understand.  I treasure each moment with Arlie, just as I did with my husband George.  My kids may not understand my loving a dog to this extent but this is my  life now, my Kodie is my companion just as Arlie was, they are the ones who've spent my life with me, it's been many years since my kids left home and they have their own lives now, I'm not part of their everyday existence anymore, it's more of a rarity I see or hear from them.  Last I look it was Arlie, and now Kodie.  Plus dogs read us, they make us their study, they know us through and through, like no one else cares to.

 

[Gary55]

What an amazing story on the trail. I'd like to think I'd have done that for Goldie, as i am sure I would have wanted to go with him. I like how you say Kay about how we spend time with our animals, that they are our companions. I've people here, but they have their own lives. I regarded  life as me and him, he was my right hand man, we were a team. They do know us more than anyone else. 

[magicmiriam]

[KayC]

Saving this (It takes Courage)...so true!

On 2/15/2022 at 6:11 AM, Gary55 said:

What an amazing story on the trail. I'd like to think I'd have done that for Goldie, as i am sure I would have wanted to go with him. I like how you say Kay about how we spend time with our animals, that they are our companions. I've people here, but they have their own lives. I regarded  life as me and him, he was my right hand man, we were a team. They do know us more than anyone else. 

There WAS no time to think, weigh it, just react as any of us would for our baby...my Arlie was 140 lbs at the time, this trail so narrow and treacherous.  Kodie is a puller, I'd never take him on this, but it started out a good trail at the bottom, it got worse and worse as we went along, I stopped just short of the top when I found a good place to turn around, couldn't wait to get us off of it!  Scary enough withOUT a dog!

[Gary55]

@KayC

I don't fancy that one bit! 

[magicmiriam]

That is scary

[magicmiriam]

Does anyone know how long the scent of my dog will stay in the house? He had many accidents at home. He wasn't fixed. The reason i'm asking is that his kids go around smelling every corner of the house. It's going to be a month in 4 days since my baby passed. They won't stop.

[Gary55]

I couldn't say for certain. A blanket Goldie had was washed unfortunately. A toy he had still had his smell for well over 6 months. I have a harness and a collar of his wrapped in 2 poly bags and I opened them a few days ago and I was so happy that his smell was still on them. Maybe dogs can pick up a scent for a lot longer than we could. 

[magicmiriam]

@Gary55 I'm so happy you can still smell it. I too kept soiled clothes, toys and a small blanket he peed on and double bagged them so they wouldn't lose their smell. i put them downstairs so his kids don't smell it. I keep wanting to go down and smell them but i don't have the courage yet, i will breakdown. I also haven't vacuumed the house or changed my bed sheets that he slept on, i don't know why.

[Gary55]

That's nice you still have things with his smell. It's 14 monnts and ive things I've not moved or changed. A medication box is still here, and water bowl. I take his lead wherever I go. I have a bag of biscuits from the last day I carry around,if they last ill carry them. 

[magicmiriam]

@Gary55 you're like me, anything that was his no matter how trivial is important to me. 

The first week he passed away i had everybody's sympathy , the second week a few people still understood my grief. The 3rd week only my husband understood my pain and crying all day. But now he said that he doesn't want to talk about Tiny anymore, that he wants to move forward and when he talks about him it hurts too much and he'll get stuck in grief. I'm all alone now in my grief, i cry alone, grieve alone and write my journal to Tiny alone. It just brings me closer to him. I realize he was my only true friend. He would lick my tears for years if i was grieving. I know now that the bond we had i will never have with anyone. Everyone thinks i'm getting better because i don't cry in front of them anymore but i know i'm worse. I still have physical and emotional pain from missing him. I can't think straight. People talk to me, i hear them but i'm not listening to a word, i'm only thinking of Tiny. I like thinking about Tiny, only Tiny. Nothing else can give me joy right now.

[KayC]

I washed Arlie's bed because of the putrid smell, got rid of the blankets.  But there's a corner he used to lay down in that smelled for a year, I don't know why it and not the other corner, perhaps the way he laid down there was a cancer spot whereas in the other corner he laid the other way.  This explains it better than I could, needless to say, the pups' sense of smell is far greater than ours!

They possess up to 300 million olfactory receptors in their noses, compared to about six million in us. And the part of a dog's brain that is devoted to analyzing smells is about 40 times greater than ours. ... Dogs possess a sense of smell many times more sensitive than even the most advanced man-made instrument.

[magicmiriam]

It's been a month now since Tiny passed away and i don't feel any better. All i can think about is him. I have no other thoughts. Nothing is making me better. 

It seems like every time i take one step forward i take 3 steps back. I have flashbacks of the moment he died and me giving him CPR and it's consuming me.

I also keep remembering how i lay him in his cold grave and they covered him with earth. I'm losing my mind, 

Smoking a pack a day and still not eating well, if i do eat it's junk food. 

I pretend to be happy near family and friends or they actually get angry that i haven't moved on.

I feel i'm betraying Tiny if i'm happy without him.

To be honest, i don't care if i die, i will be with Tiny.

I miss you Tiny, my baby , my soul.

[+Jeffrey+]

I'm so sorry for your loss, magicmiriam. I too feel your incredible pain. And it can be extremely difficult at times. When I lost my two cats, I too cried every single day. Multiple times. For months. No joke! I cried a lot. Day and night. I cried. A cat food commercial would come on TV and I'd cry. Walking by the cat food aisle at the grocery store would cause me to shed some tears. Just seeing a cat would make me sad. I was a real mess for a long time, and it sucked. I had no one I could really talk to, but to be honest, I didn't want others to see me upset. Most everyone that knows me, knew how much those two cats meant to me. They just didn't know how much I was hurting inside. And as strange as this may sound, I'm more comfortable expressing my feelings to the total strangers on this site, than I am to the people I actually know. This site has been a blessing to myself and others.

Also, as myself and others have said many times on here, the pain does lessen with time. No, you will never forget, and you will still have bad days, but I promise you, the pain you're feeling now will lessen. May take months, may take a year, but you're going to get through this. Besides, your Tiny wouldn't want you to be sad forever. You hang in there!

[AJWCat]

So here is my opinion...

You don't need to "move on." You need to find peace with something you can't change. You gave Tiny an amazing life. Honor that by living and loving your other dogs. 

You aren't leaving Tiny behind. He is inside you. All the non-physical qualities, his joy, his sweetness, and innocence and everything else are in your heart and will be always. He is always with you though not here in physical form.  

[magicmiriam]

@+Jeffrey+ I'm so sorry for your loss, losing both cats must have been hell to say the least. I'm like you, i cry often. It's not the crying as much as the physical pain. I can actually feel my heart breaking. I don't think it will ever go away. Like @AJWCat said, i need to find peace somehow. Since Tiny passed away i read a lot about grief and they say you learn to live with it. Right now he's still on my mind 24hrs a day. His kids give me some relief because i look at them and they look like their father and he loved them but he had his own character and controlled my heart. I'm trying to live and pretend i'm ok or i get lectured. I  cook and clean and work and do everything that needs to be done but on autopilot, all i want to do is cry under the covers. I have a lot of flashbacks to his death and burial, it's killing me.

I come to this site all the time, it's the only place i feel people understand me. I love all the members and feel a certain attachment to them, they are god sent.

[KayC]

On 2/20/2022 at 5:50 AM, magicmiriam said:

I pretend to be happy near family and friends or they actually get angry that i haven't moved on.

Oh this angers me on your behalf!  People!  I just wish our society understood the bond we have with animals, they are really clueless about grief!  I'm sorry, I wish you didn't have to pretend around them.  I'd be outspoken about what I'm going through and I'm afraid my response wouldn't go well for them, but that's me, you probably have a lot more friends than I do.   I try to educate people, doesn't really matter to me if they like me or not.

I'm so sorry. 

 

[magicmiriam]

Yes it's very hard. After 2 weeks of mourning everyone expected me to be fine, even my husband asked me to stop crying after 3 weeks. I look for places to escape so i can cry. I go do errands and park somewhere to cry for hours or in the bathroom, or i go to do laundry, anywhere i can be alone to cry and mourn. They don't seem to realize that i'm worse not better but because i put on makeup (for them) i must be fine. Tiny understood me completely, he would let me mourn as long as i need and lick my tears.

I'm sorry too

[KayC]

I'm sorry your husband doesn't understand your grief better.

My kids' dad never wanted me to cry.  I'd go into the laundry room and close the door to cry in peace.  He'd barge in and fling open the door and yell at me.  Years later we got divorced and he went around moping/crying to everyone and I didn't know how to feel.  I felt cold.  How was it okay for him but not for me?  Sometimes people aren't there yet themselves.  (((hugs)))  I was lucky, I live out in the country, lots of USFS roads/trails to walk, I'd take a two hour walk between 10 and midnight with Lucky (Whippet) and that was my time, for me.  I could cry, scream, or enjoy the peace.  No one to say not to.  Now I'm old, the trails have been ravaged by loggers leaving behind a mess.  Cougars lurk and Kodie wouldn't be much protection like Arlie would. l But I've lived alone for many many years, so I have peace, I can cry when I want to.  

Sending you hugs.  I understand. 

[magicmiriam]

Thanks for replying @KayC sorry took me so long to reply.

I;ve had a rough few days, i can't seem to move forward at all.

It's almost like time stood still. today is 35 days but it feels like it's been one long day.

I think i'm in a deep depression, i don't even want to seek counseling, not sure it would even help.

I feel this need to grieve, i feel closer to Tiny when i grieve.

Perhaps i feel if i get better i'm betraying his memory.

All i know is that he was the perfect dog, my best friend, my only true love.

I feel so empty, so lost.

I'm going to go visit his grave tomorrow, it's so far which kills me plus it's been snowing all week, a dangerous drive.

I'm not afraid to die anymore so it's worth the risk.

 

[foreverhis]

On 2/14/2022 at 5:25 PM, magicmiriam said:

My bother called me a few days ago to see how i'm feeling and when i said not so good he snapped at me and said, it's 3 weeks, get over it, i wanted to snap at him but i didn't. Then i said to him that i look forward to one day reuniting with Tiny in the afterlife and he laughed and said i'm losing my mind. He said Miriam when you die you die, there is no afterlife it's a fairy tale. Get over Tiny and accept you will never see him again. If my brother was in front of me i probably would have punched him in the face. I should never have taken his call, my husband told me not to talk to anyone who hasn't lost a fur baby.

Hi Miriam.  I'm so sorry that your last few days have been even harder than before.  Unfortunately, that's not unusual.  IMO and my experience, it's much too soon for anyone to expect you to move forward.  It doesn't matter whether we've lost a human or a fur baby, when the bond and love is that deep, it takes lots of time to begin moving forward.  And when we do, it's usually in baby steps.  That's how it was for my husband and me with our two most precious soul animals and that's how it's been for me after losing my husband. 

I sure agree about not talking to people who don't understand or, worse, who make fun or are cruel.  I'm not a violent person, but I would have happily held your brother while you punched him.  His callousness is completely unacceptable.  Those who are tired of you grieving or who tell you to "let go" or "move on" or whatever hurtful comment they may say have no idea what this type of grief is like.  I'm sorry that your husband is not being supportive now.  No doubt that makes it even harder for you to get through the day. 

For now, keep loving and caring for Tiny's sons.  They are grieving and they need you.  If you let them, they will probably help you too.  I hardly ever say things like this, but I suspect that Tiny is counting on you to be there for his precious boys.  Some day, he will meet you at the Rainbow Bridge, never to be parted again.  Until then, I have faith that he is safe and well, while loving and missing you as you are missing him.  I keep those kind of thoughts close to my heart when I feel at my lowest.

On 2/20/2022 at 5:50 AM, magicmiriam said:

I feel i'm betraying Tiny if i'm happy without him.

9 hours ago, magicmiriam said:

I feel this need to grieve, i feel closer to Tiny when i grieve.

Perhaps i feel if i get better i'm betraying his memory.

I want to address what I quoted above.  I felt like that for a long time.  As if, if I ever smiled or laughed or found even a little joy that I was betraying my husband's memory and our love.  How dare I feel anything but painful, hopeless despair?  He was gone and I hadn't saved him; it must have been entirely my fault, so I didn't deserve anything good, ever.  I missed John so much that I could barely breathe sometimes.  My medical conditions flared horribly, which is when I learned that grief isn't just emotional, but physical as well.  Yet slowly, so slowly I couldn't even tell you when, I was able to bring all the loving, special, happy, silly, and even "boring" memories and images to mix in with the painful, devastation of John's last months.  Just as slowly, I learned to smile and even laugh again.  I figured out how to find some happiness.  A different happiness, but it's there and I now treasure it. 

Your journey won't be easy or fast, but coming here to talk is a good first step.  Please don't let anyone tell you how you should think, feel, or act.  They don't know and they aren't you.  A friend who understands grief all too well (she and her husband lost their daughter at birth many years ago) sent this to me last year when I was going through a particularly hard time.  It's painfully true.

 

[magicmiriam]

@foreverhis I'm sorry about John and the way you felt after his death, it is very similar to what i'm feeling. How dare i smile or laugh without my Tiny. The truth is i don't feel the need to smile. I'm comforted by my grief, i feel close to him. How many years has it been since John passed? Did he go peacefully? Did you blame yourself?