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loss of a husband


mitsy

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Three weeks ago I lost my husband to acute leukemia. I miss him so much. How do you go on after you lose someone you love and who has been by your side for many years. He was only 57 years old. OIh, I know he is not the only one, that thousand of people are dying every day from cancers but it still seems so unfair. He had so much life in him, he wanted so much to live but at the end the cancer won as it often does. I am angry, sad, angry at the medical community that put him on palliative care a year ago, when he was diagnosed, saying that is nothing they could do for him because he had a previous blood disease before, a different, slowly progressing cancer that he was able to fight. We thought he was in remission when the AML came in, out of the blue. The doctors at the hospital decided that chemotherapy would not be appropriate for him, that it might kill him, but seeing him deteriorate so much over the year, loose all his strength, his ability to walk at the end, I wish he had insisted on some form of treatement. This is an awful disease, it takes away everything from you, gradually, day by day.

I am trying to keep myself busy, take care of the pets, but every day is a struggle. I feel like in I am in a fog that is never going to lift and everywhere I look I still see him. Counselling helps a bit, can't attend bereavement groups because of work schedule. Friends do not really understand and some of them stopped calling. How long does it last, feeling like this? I read about the stages of grief but that does not make it any easier. We used to do everything together and now I feel so lost.

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Three weeks ago I lost my husband to acute leukemia. I miss him so much. How do you go on after you lose someone you love and who has been by your side for many years. He was only 57 years old. OIh, I know he is not the only one, that thousand of people are dying every day from cancers but it still seems so unfair. He had so much life in him, he wanted so much to live but at the end the cancer won as it often does. I am angry, sad, angry at the medical community that put him on palliative care a year ago, when he was diagnosed, saying that is nothing they could do for him because he had a previous blood disease before, a different, slowly progressing cancer that he was able to fight. We thought he was in remission when the AML came in, out of the blue. The doctors at the hospital decided that chemotherapy would not be appropriate for him, that it might kill him, but seeing him deteriorate so much over the year, loose all his strength, his ability to walk at the end, I wish he had insisted on some form of treatement. This is an awful disease, it takes away everything from you, gradually, day by day.

I am trying to keep myself busy, take care of the pets, but every day is a struggle. I feel like in I am in a fog that is never going to lift and everywhere I look I still see him. Counselling helps a bit, can't attend bereavement groups because of work schedule. Friends do not really understand and some of them stopped calling. How long does it last, feeling like this? I read about the stages of grief but that does not make it any easier. We used to do everything together and now I feel so lost.

Mitsy,

I am very sorry about the loss of your husband. Friends have stopped calling because it's too painful for them to watch you grieve, and they probably just don't know how to help.

You have taken a big step in healing by simply coming here. For most people, talking about their feelings, sharing the stories of their loved ones, and opening grieving help them. You can do all of that here.

Three weeks is not a long time. The stages of grief often go around in circles. You may be angry one minute, sad the next. You may stay in fear for awhile, or even go through denial and then back to angry. That is perfectly okay.

For now, just simply try to get through a few minutes, then an hour, then a couple of hours. Try your best to try to talk to someone each day, get outside or just walk around a grocery store or something.

Walking does wonders for the soul, as does prayer, writing in a journal and/or reading a book on grieving. Please feel free to share the story of your love with us. We will be waiting to hear from you.

ModKonnie

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hi.. i know you dont know me... but im debra... (joes girl).. i lost my husband of 8 1/2 months almost 7 months ago. That probobly seems like an eternity to you..(it does to me too).. He was only 50. i cannot say i know exactly how you feel, or that it will get better... i didnt want to hear that stuff and still dont. but, i will say this. When i joined this website about 2 months ago i was completely lost, devestated, confused, alone, and not much farther than the day he died.. but talking to more and more people, and reading thier stories made me realize that i wasnt the only one. You made a good choice to join. modkonnie is fantastic, and will listen and help you work thru anything, and if you ever need to talk.. you can email me at dlsm66@yahoo.com. ANYTIME.. DAY OR NITE... I will tell you that i think you had it way worse than i did,.. my husband died instantly in a harley vs tornado wreck. He broke his neck. I didnt have to watch him suffer.. But, i got to hit a brick wall going about 100 mph. my life stopped when his did. i have more of the better days than worse now,.. thanks to this site.. and you will eventually too.. when YOU are ready. you have every right to be angry, or sad, or anything else that comes up. i used to get aggravated when i would go thru the stages of grief, A,B,C... AND then back to B,.. and then back to A... it would frustrate me, and id go from inconsoleable, to p-o'd in a blink of an eye at anyone who was nearby... I even took my fathers head off just for saying it will get better some day... lol... I am living proof, that i remind myself everyday,.. that i am a survivor. You are too. You just dont know it yet. Joe was my second chance,.. as i was married prior to him for 16 yrs. he was my best friend, my everything... my DO OVER.. like when youre a kid and say.."do over".... I miss him so much some days it hurts to breathe. Yes.. still. I do not think it will ever go away. and to tell you the truth,.. i dont want a day to go by that i dont miss him, or love him, or want him back... just keep in mind that you cannot let the grief consume EVERYTHING you are.. or you will not make it out of the hole. I dug myself a nice deep one when my husband died... for about 2 months.. i didnt eat, sleep, drink.. i just went to his grave, and cried for hours and hours...finally... his best friend stopped me.. and got me to start a different routine.. and it helped. Find someone who you can trust,.. and start new routines. it will seem odd at first, and you may be scared, or so lonely you cant do it for long.. but each day will get easier. I know it sounds odd.. but, i cant explain it any better. Love stays, even after the living is done,.. and you should be able to see that in time. It still hurts when i think about the whole situation and how unfair it was for me, and for him, and my daughter... but,...try to concentrate on living, instead of dying to be with him. Yes i would have given up and died to be with him... but i thank god that i have my daughter to take care of.. or id be gone. I hope that from hearing my story,.. feel free to visit my profile.. and look at my pictures.. that you will see you are not alone.. and i can only say i know what its like to lose your whole world.. You have all my sympathies, and hugs... and if i can help in ANY way, pls email me.. i will listen, and understand ... friends who have gone thru this type of pain can understand it better than the ones who love you the most... modkonnie is right... they dont know what to say or do to help. You could tell them, just listen to me,.. even if i talk about it over and over and over again.. ( like i do)... lol... sometimes, if you direct them on what can help, they will do it for you if they think they will help you rather than hurt you.. dont hold it against them for being scared to make things worse... because they dont know what we know..... NOTHING could be worse than losing them.. NOTHING.

many many hugs to you... breathe in and out.. every day.. hug your dogs.. take comfort in what is all around you.. (i use my hubbys toothbrush...!!) but dont let it drag you down.. get out for some quiet time anywhere that you can find peace. Hes there with you.. i know it. Joe is with me all the time, and has let me know it several times..( no im not losing my mind although at the time i thought i was!)

debra

Three weeks ago I lost my husband to acute leukemia. I miss him so much. How do you go on after you lose someone you love and who has been by your side for many years. He was only 57 years old. OIh, I know he is not the only one, that thousand of people are dying every day from cancers but it still seems so unfair. He had so much life in him, he wanted so much to live but at the end the cancer won as it often does. I am angry, sad, angry at the medical community that put him on palliative care a year ago, when he was diagnosed, saying that is nothing they could do for him because he had a previous blood disease before, a different, slowly progressing cancer that he was able to fight. We thought he was in remission when the AML came in, out of the blue. The doctors at the hospital decided that chemotherapy would not be appropriate for him, that it might kill him, but seeing him deteriorate so much over the year, loose all his strength, his ability to walk at the end, I wish he had insisted on some form of treatement. This is an awful disease, it takes away everything from you, gradually, day by day.

I am trying to keep myself busy, take care of the pets, but every day is a struggle. I feel like in I am in a fog that is never going to lift and everywhere I look I still see him. Counselling helps a bit, can't attend bereavement groups because of work schedule. Friends do not really understand and some of them stopped calling. How long does it last, feeling like this? I read about the stages of grief but that does not make it any easier. We used to do everything together and now I feel so lost.

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