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Grieving What I Couldn't Ever Have


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In a nutshell, I grew up being a healthy child. No health issues, no allergies, no worries. When I was about 9-10 years old, I received a seizure diagnosis after I wasn't quite remembering what was going on at school, not doing too well on homework, and at times was terribly confused as to where I was, who I was, or what was going on. Doctors said I'd outgrow it. Things only got worse from there and I ended up with an epilepsy diagnosis my first week of my freshman year of high school. This kind of stuff always has to happen at school, right?

Since then, I've had the diagnosis. I eventually was 10 years seizure free on medication and thought perhaps I could do without and after 2 years, sometimes neurologists would ask if I was interested in trying that out. With a neurologist's guidance, I came off of my medication slowly after having a normal EEG. I went 15 months seizure free. I was enjoying this newly found independence, started to learn to drive, etc. and wasn't needing followups and then I got COVID. Back to square one I went and have been having struggles. Had to go see the neurologist again, get back on a medication, and hope for the best.

There are many things in life I am unable to do. Some things I never wanted to do and wasn't too affected by this like become a pilot, drive a semi-truck, or join the military. However, there were other careers that came up in which I thought I would enjoy like something in the medical field involving helping people directly such as a doctor, nurse, first responder, or even a dispatcher. To have such a condition and one little mishap be life or death for someone else I couldn't personally deal with. I may never be able to drive a vehicle. It's difficult to find a job because I can't drive and many jobs seem to judge you when they ask for ID to potentially hire you and they see it's not a driver's license, but an ID card. I can't use a forklift in a store, I can't deliver food or groceries, I can't drive a company vehicle, I can't transport people, etc. it eliminates a lot of jobs. I am also considered chronically ill because of my diagnosis, but not disabled enough to get disability and it's awfully frustrating.

I am still not going to give up. I'm still going to find what job or career or volunteer service I'm meant to do in life. There are times where it all feels unfair, but I try to focus on living life and making the best of it and others days, I feel like I'm in a hopeless pit.

I'm sure I'm not alone in this and many struggle with such things, but it never makes it easier.

Thank you for listening to my rant.

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