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Guilt and regret after passing (heart disease)


Aaron Tee

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I am having trouble to cope with the loss of my dog Mimi. My dog mimi was around 17 years old when she passed 7months ago, up until today i still can't let go (how is it possible to let go if what they experienced can't be changed and we still able to live our life, with all those guilts? i cant bring myself to do that, i love her, i love her so much)

 

Basically i was working in singapore(Mimi is in Malaysia with my family and life partner) and due to lock down i was unable to see her in her last moments which hurts me a lot and i regret it my whole life. My partner and my family were with her though, i am having trouble to cope with the fact that she wasn't put down, instead she died in my mum's arm at home. I always wanted to let her be put to sleep at home (this thinking is not so 'normalized' here but i always wanted to give her that) so that she wont face the horrible death herself but in the end i failed, i failed her the worst way, i didnt even know she will be gone that day. But in fact to think back there are a lot of signs and i failed her, she's been going to vet quite frequently for arthritis acupuncture her last year and ultrasound heart monitoring for her last two months, now i was thinking maybe our vet didnt recommend euthanasia is due to the culture here to only euthanize dog when there's obvious suffering? maybe she didn't want to take away our hope? maybe we should voice out ourselves? she was having heart issues and on meds, frequently panting here and there after short walks which my family/partner always tried their best to calm her down and thought she was fine after some 'calming down', but now i am worried, i am worried that she actually suffered.

 

She didnt look like she was in pain during her last moments (was still doing short walking around an hour ago before passing) and i was told she passed peacefully, didnt whine, gone within 20min, rather 'peaceful in the process', maybe cardiac arrest or heart issues. but now i am worried, i am worried she actually suffered, i also cant bring myself to believe a peaceful passing without euthanasia. how can death be that easy, i dont want my baby to go through that and i am so so regret on that. 

 

i cant get over the fact every dog deserve a peaceful 'sleeping' instead of 'dying' but my mimi didnt get that. Knowing most of the pets are euthanized in the end of their path in US or Europe, just wanna ask if you happened to know there are dogs who passed themselves (instead of euthanasia), how are their owner coping with that? how can their owner accept and get over it? is there any goods in it? is there anyway to help myself getting over with this cruel facts? appreciate your insight on this and i will be grateful. 

 

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I'm so sorry for what you are going through right now.  Losing our fur family is so hard and it hurts so much.  I don't think we ever really "let go," but over time grief does evolve.  It's different for everyone, of course, but it's not a fast journey.

I understand why you'd want to make sure your sweet Mimi didn't suffer.  Sometimes it's hard to know because they can't always "tell" us how they feel or what they need.  I'm sure we all wonder and worry if we did right by them.  Did we wait too long, did we deprive them of time, did they know how much we love them?  Guilt is very common because we're the ones left on earth.  We often relive everything over and over wishing we could have a different outcome.  Nothing anyone can say will make that go away, but being here is a good place to talk about it with others who understand the deep bond of love you had with Mimi.

6 hours ago, Aaron Tee said:

i also cant bring myself to believe a peaceful passing without euthanasia. how can death be that easy, i dont want my baby to go through that and i am so so regret on that. 

I'm hoping I can alleviate a little of your pain about how Mimi died.  Our beloved red tabby Persian Penny was diagnosed with cancer at about age 17.  We had insurance, so we started treatment, which helped for a while.  Then it didn't.  As she started to fail, my husband and I knew we'd have to face the hardest decision pet owners have to make.  It was time to think about helping her ease out of her struggle because it would be selfish for us to keep her here because we couldn't bear to lose her.  On the day we decided our girl must not suffer further, we called our vet to make the arrangements for the next day.

I believe that somehow, some way, Penny knew how devastating it was for us.  That afternoon I held her and played her favorite music and sang to her.  She was peaceful in my arms, breathing softly.  She closed her eyes and I could see that she was leaving us.  I brought her over to my husband, her daddy.  She had been a daddy's girl practically from the day we brought her home as a kitten.  He held her and told her he loved her.  Both of us cried so hard.  And then she took her last quiet breath as she passed to the Rainbow Bridge.

I don't think death is ever "easy," whether it occurs naturally or if we "lift them up" out of any suffering.  (I don't like the term "put down" and euthanasia is too clinical for me when talking about our much loved pets.)  But I can say that Penny passed quietly surrounded by love while being held by the person she loved most in the world.

I don't know if that helps at all, but it felt like Penny slipped gently from this world to the next.

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17 hours ago, foreverhis said:

I'm so sorry for what you are going through right now.  Losing our fur family is so hard and it hurts so much.  I don't think we ever really "let go," but over time grief does evolve.  It's different for everyone, of course, but it's not a fast journey.

I understand why you'd want to make sure your sweet Mimi didn't suffer.  Sometimes it's hard to know because they can't always "tell" us how they feel or what they need.  I'm sure we all wonder and worry if we did right by them.  Did we wait too long, did we deprive them of time, did they know how much we love them?  Guilt is very common because we're the ones left on earth.  We often relive everything over and over wishing we could have a different outcome.  Nothing anyone can say will make that go away, but being here is a good place to talk about it with others who understand the deep bond of love you had with Mimi.

I'm hoping I can alleviate a little of your pain about how Mimi died.  Our beloved red tabby Persian Penny was diagnosed with cancer at about age 17.  We had insurance, so we started treatment, which helped for a while.  Then it didn't.  As she started to fail, my husband and I knew we'd have to face the hardest decision pet owners have to make.  It was time to think about helping her ease out of her struggle because it would be selfish for us to keep her here because we couldn't bear to lose her.  On the day we decided our girl must not suffer further, we called our vet to make the arrangements for the next day.

I believe that somehow, some way, Penny knew how devastating it was for us.  That afternoon I held her and played her favorite music and sang to her.  She was peaceful in my arms, breathing softly.  She closed her eyes and I could see that she was leaving us.  I brought her over to my husband, her daddy.  She had been a daddy's girl practically from the day we brought her home as a kitten.  He held her and told her he loved her.  Both of us cried so hard.  And then she took her last quiet breath as she passed to the Rainbow Bridge.

I don't think death is ever "easy," whether it occurs naturally or if we "lift them up" out of any suffering.  (I don't like the term "put down" and euthanasia is too clinical for me when talking about our much loved pets.)  But I can say that Penny passed quietly surrounded by love while being held by the person she loved most in the world.

I don't know if that helps at all, but it felt like Penny slipped gently from this world to the next.

Hi Annie, thanks for your kind words and sorry for your loss. Penny seems to be loved and blessed to have such a peaceful passing. Able to sense so much love in your writing.

I find it hard to cope with the fact that there are so many signs to show Mimi may not be long in the world (medical sign ie. recurring pleural effusion, didn't think that way that time, but able to know and guess more now) but yet coz she looked kind of 'normal' so we were carrying false hope. Feels like I failed her, in the worst way, don't know how to let go if maybe I caused her to suffered in the end and I in fact didn't send her the last gift for transition. Having to 'know' or 'assume' that, life is just pointless and I had done the most horrible mistake in the world, how can I forgive myself? How can I allowed to stay and be happy when I failed her, when (or if) she was scared/suffered/hurt in her last moment on earth? She is like my kid, my baby, I am sorry Mimi, I just don't deserve to live anymore. 

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I am so sorry for your loss. I know all about loss of a pet  it’s the hardest thing in the world. My Bubba was a cat and he was 18 years old and 10 months. Unfortunately I had too put him too sleep because he was too sick. The pain that I felt and the guilt that I had killed me inside. I loved him more than anything in this world. Till this day I can still feel the pain of him not being here but I know that he isn’t suffering. Bubba will always be in my heart.

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