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early loss of mom 4 y ago making day-to-day relationship with dad really complicated


smtry401

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my therapist keeps suggesting attending a grief support group but covid makes that prospect super scary rn... so here i am instead

anyway in a few days it'll be four years since my mom passed away from cancer. at this point the hard part isn't even the feeling of "i miss my mom" but rather navigating the shared loss with my dad... on the one hand having someone to share the loss with is helpful, but at the same time my dad's methods of grieving that are really incompatible with mine are now a more consistent source of pain than the death itself. 

for background, i'm 27 and live at home and my dad is 65. my mom would have been 67 this year. at the time my mom died i was living at home post-college, and i just never ended up moving out. i'm an only child so doing so would have meant my dad was by himself; plus moving was just no longer appealing to me after such a profound family change. but as much as moving out is unappealing and i feel way closer to my dad than i did when my mom was alive, my dad also drives me insane with the way he talks about my mom like she was an angel (she was a loving but immature and abusive parent), or with suddenly getting sad or sentimental at me and forcing me to comfort him. but if i dare express my own feelings around him he just goes to pieces and gets all despondent and wails about feeling like a bad parent, which in turn Does actually make him a bad parent because he isn't doing a goddamned thing to help me and is making it all about him. my therapist has been recommending pushing him to seek grief counseling as a solution, so that he will stop using me as his outlet, but i'm scared even of pitching this to him lest this, too, cause him to go to pieces and force me do damage-control. it's all just really exhausting.

so often when i complain about my dad to my therapist (who isn't a grief counselor, i'm seeing her for depression/anxiety) or my friends (none of whom have lost a parent) they just zero in on Moving Out as the only viable solution... i think they think that being 27 and living at home is just fundamentally wrong and that clearly my dad is like, manipulating me into staying or something. but that's not true and the 20s i am having are not the same 20s my friends are having. i do feel like my relationship with my dad is really important to me and being in the house i grew up in makes me feel closer to my mom.

i don't know anyone else who has lost a parent, and certainly not anyone else who is my age and has had the trajectory of their 20s/possibly whole life completely altered as a result. sometimes i feel like a crazy person for being over 25 and not being desperate to get away from my family. i guess i'm hoping to find some other young people who are in the same boat.

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Dear smtry401,

It's so good of you to stay and support your dad. Grief takes a toll on everyone in the family. It's very hard to cope with and sometimes we all need extra supports. You are certainly not crazy for wanting to stay at home with your dad. We all have to do what is right for ourselves. I know there is a lot pressure to leave but like you I too wanted to stay with my dad. He was a lot older than my mom and I never wanted him to be alone. 

I'm also a very private person and often feel like there was no one to talk to. But these websites also helped me.

Grief in Common

Grief Share

Grief Healing Blog

What's Your Grief

I don't know if there is church pastor or counsellor or social worker that could come to the house. Maybe a trusted family member or friend could reach out to your dad. 

I hope you'll get all the support you need to help during this difficult time.

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