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Pain never seem to get lesser even after 3 months


janetan

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My mother left me on 11 Oct 2021 at home. She is 76 years old.  My pain never seem to get lesser. Everyday, when I think of her, i will cry. Sometimes, I feel like screaming out loudly to let the pain out. People tell me about the five stages of grief and I do read about it online. I feel that I am like going through the cycle again and again.

She did not have any major illness. In Sep 2021, one of her foot got swollen and we visited a few doctors. They indicated that it is due to osteoarthritis and she is put on painkillers.  Hence, for the month of Sep 2021, her mobility is limited. I can see that her mood is affected as she used to be able to do things on her own. She used to to walk around the house, do houseworks,cook meals etc. In Sep, her activities were reduced very much and I care for her from her meals to her hyigence needs as well.

Three days before her passing, she had a fever. We visited the doctor and we did Covid testing. The results was negative and doctor said monitor further as she is afraid that it could be Dengue fever. Her fever subsided on the night of the same day. The next day (2 days before passing), we ate breakfast and lunch together. She even had a phone conversation with one relative. Later in the night 9pm, she said she had tummy upset. Actually wanted to take some medicine but she said later on. 

On Sunday morning, she woke up at 9am and told me that she is feeling warm. I still said to her that weather is hot and humid. She said she is having headache and tired. So she continue to lie on bed and she asked me to cook one dessert for her. I left her to rest on bed and continue to do housework, thinking that she will feel better after she rested enough. At noon, i brought lunch to her room and she had a few mouthful and continue to lie back on bed.  I went to the kitchen to make the dessert she asked for. I was busy in kitchen doing housework. From time to time, I will check on her temperature. In later afternoon, I served the dessert and she only take a few mouthful. She continue to be weak and she said she is dizzy. At evening time, she asked for more food and I was so happy. I thought she finally getting better after a full day rest. Who knows, when she finally left her room to take the food, she feel nausaneous and I brought her to the toilet to vomit.

It is Sunday, all day clinics are closed. I asked if she wish to see doctor. We wanted to see a nearby doctor but the clinic does not have wheelchair to loan me. I asked mom if we should go to hospital. She said wait and see she can get better. Eventually, at 1am, she started to vomit and feel dizzy when she sit up to vomit. Then she said her back pain, her calfs pain. She does not want to go to emergency room. Her tummy pain and she wanted to go to toilet. So you can imagine, I and her were going to and fro toilet and her room for the next few hours. 

Finally, at 4am, she said to me "call the ambulance". When I wanted to call the ambulance, she said she need to go to toilet again. Hence, I bring her to the bathroom. She was having much agony in the bathroom with the pain, dizzy , everything kick in. In the bathroom, she asked me "is going to hospital useful?'.  I told her "yes, yes". Now we quickly go back to the living room and I help you change to clean clothes before we go to hospital. I helped her to change her clothes then i made a call for ambulance at 5am. Once the call ended, I see that she was like struggling with her legs (she is lying on sofa), i immediately sat besides her and start to massage her calfs. (this is something I do for her since young). At the moment, she still asked me when is ambulance coming and I continue to massage her calfs. I think i heard her saying "I am dying". I turned and see that she has breathing. I was thinking she slept due to tiredness. After a while, i turned to look at her and her chest has no more movements. The last 10mins, I was massaging her calfs.

The paramedic came and started CPR when they entered the house. Then the ambulance brought her to the hospital. 

I asked the doctor in charge. He said my mother has no more pulse when they entered the house. 

Now 3months has passed and I am feeling very painful everyday. I am angry with myself. Why didn't I bring her to emergency room on the morning when she said she has headache and even she started to vomit? Why am I busy doing housework on that day? 

My mother is my best friend as well. Everyone said that we are like twins, we do everything together, we go holidays, dining out, groceries shopping. I used to call her everyday when I am at work even though we stay together. At times, i feel that if I can go back to previous times when she is still alive. We can continue our happy lives together. 

Thanks for reading my story.

 

 

 

 

 

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Dear Jane,

I am so sorry for your devastating loss. My deepest sympathies and condolences. You are a very devoted and loving daughter. I think you did the best you could that day for your beloved mom.  So many of us replay what happened over and over again wishing for a different outcome. It's so deeply painful. This article comforted me a little.  Please know we are here to listen. x

https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/12/grief-and-burden-of-guilt.html

 

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On 1/8/2022 at 11:43 PM, janetan said:

Now 3months has passed and I am feeling very painful everyday. I am angry with myself. Why didn't I bring her to emergency room on the morning when she said she has headache and even she started to vomit?

I hate myself for 6 months because I should have called for help earlier.  Mom hated the hospital.  She was there for 3 weeks (no visitors allowed) and said that one of the attendants was very rough and hurt her, so she was very afraid and didn't want to go back.  But I should have insisted even though she seemed better, because they could have caught the bad problem (clot) that came up later.

On 1/8/2022 at 11:43 PM, janetan said:

My mother is my best friend as well. Everyone said that we are like twins, we do everything together, we go holidays, dining out, groceries shopping.

We were inseparable my whole life (60 yrs.).  When we lost my father in 2000 we became even closer.  I took care of her and we did everything together, even worked at the same place for 25 years going back to 1987.  We loved to dine out.  That is why the pain is so unbearable and will never go away, and only becomes greater with time.

On 1/8/2022 at 11:43 PM, janetan said:

At times, i feel that if I can go back to previous times when she is still alive. We can continue our happy lives together. 

This torments me and breaks my heart day and night.  When I am able to sleep (which is rare) I will dream of her and my father and then wake up with the oppressive, sickening shock of being alone in the empty house.  It is nearly impossible to move from the couch or wherever and face the miserable, lonely days after that.  I feel more and more that I no longer belong here. 

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1 hour ago, ADM925 said:

This torments me and breaks my heart day and night.  When I am able to sleep (which is rare) I will dream of her and my father and then wake up with the oppressive, sickening shock of being alone in the empty house.  It is nearly impossible to move from the couch or wherever and face the miserable, lonely days after that.  I feel more and more that I no longer belong here. 

Me as well. It continues to get worse each day. For me now, it's been just over two months. And I can honestly say it seems to be getting worse. I'm actually having more of a difficult time eating regularly now. Up until this point I was still eating but dramatically less than what I had been. In fact I've lost 25 lbs since my mom passed. But the past few days I've been having a difficult time even eating once per day, as I tend to start crying every time I'm about to begin eating. As you said in your comment the feeling that I no longer belong here seems to becoming more and more present in my daily thoughts. I only wish the situation could improve for all of us. Try to be well.

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13 hours ago, ESM said:

It continues to get worse each day. For me now, it's been just over two months. And I can honestly say it seems to be getting worse.

For some reason my anxiety skyrocketed at the turn of the year as though a switch had been thrown.  I now feel hysterical all the time.  And the 14-month nightmare continues: on 1/6 a coworker of 20 years (including 12 with Mom until she retired in 2012) who was very close to Mom and me (more like family) passed on apparently from Covid.  No one told me that she had been hospitalized.  Now I'm being asked to take over for her as church musician (I was formerly the assistant - we used 2 keyboards), which will of course include playing her memorial service on Saturday.  And while this is being hailed as a major step on my "road to recovery". it has put me into a massive panic.  I feel more devastated and heartbroken for my mother than ever.  I stopped playing and listening to music when Mom became ill because music in any form became agonizing and totally unbearable, far worse than anything else.  Now I feel obligated to help, so I'll have to play alone at the church we'd attended for 34 years without Mom there to listen, and the prospect is filling me with the immense dread of how traumatic it's going to be before, during, and especially afterwards (returning to the empty house alone while everyone else goes out to eat or home with their loved ones).  In the past Mom and I would have a wonderful time going to Sunday Brunch after church, and then going for a ride.  The contrast between then and now is very appalling. 

13 hours ago, ESM said:

But the past few days I've been having a difficult time even eating once per day, as I tend to start crying every time I'm about to begin eating.

The same here and even worse today as there is a 6 PM service I have to do, which means I'll also have to eat (both are making me extremely nervous).  I was always a little uneasy even during good times, and Mom was my comfort and anchor through it all.  Being around others without her has gone well beyond uncomfortable - it's more and more like a phobia.  Why can't people understand the hell we are going through?  Last night's "sleep" meant nothing but having wave upon wave of anxiety, pleading and screaming to the heavens to deliver me somehow from this despair and desolation immediately because I can't take it anymore.  I get that horrific stab-in-the-gut / heart feeling all the time; my mother's absence is unendurable and I feel more isolated and terrified than ever.  Here's hoping that you and others are holding on better than I am.                      

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4 hours ago, ADM925 said:

For some reason my anxiety skyrocketed at the turn of the year as though a switch had been thrown.  I now feel hysterical all the time.

It's uncanny how much your experiences mirror my own. For me as well, New Years seemed to have been some kind of trigger to a greater degreee of horror. And tomorroww represents another horrific day for myself. I'm going to the doctor for my Covid booster shot. And while it might seem odd, I've never gone to the doctor without my Mom accompanying me. We always went to the doctor together, whether the appointmnet was for me or her. So tomorrow looks to be another emotionally horrific day. Not that any day is really anyhthing other than one sustained trauma. Try to be well.

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