Members Popular Post Kay2021 Posted January 6, 2022 Members Popular Post Report Share Posted January 6, 2022 About a month ago, I lost my beloved husband to cancer. I still clearly remember the day he broke the news to me in June when we sat down for a coffee. He took a day off work and I was a little excited to do things together. That day, instead, my world turned upside down literally. What's worse was that he was hit with an autoimmune disease on top of cancer. He really hadn't had any break from all kinds of pain during his treatments. Extremely high does of steroid, radiation therapy and chemo destroyed him pretty much. Immunotherapy was the only lifeline but he couldn't get it for fear that his autoimmune might flare up again. Some say that cancer is kind in a way that gives us time to prepare for goodbyes. But it's not quite true. I had to watch once strong man (I used to call him Iron-man) to deteriorate into someone so weak and fragile. But I still strongly believed that he could recover somehow and be with me for a long time. His passing came as a total shock to me and I am still in shock. It was less than 6 months since diagnosis. He was only 52 and he was the love of my life and the best friend. Our pool, once blue and his pride, is now green and our garden is wild without his care. I lost motivation to do anything. What can you do when your world collapsed and the rock under your feet gave in. I struggle through the day. Despite this grief, I still have to deal with things like his death certificate!, title changes of the house and cars...I manage these things through tears because I still have to support our two teenage kids. This is a pain of which intensity I have never imagined. I was worried about special days and anniversaries without him but I don't think it matters because it hurts every day non-stop anyway. The pain starts when I awake in the morning and goes on all day. During his battle with cancer, my husband used to say " I hate going to sleep at night and then I hate waking up in the morning". Now, I hate going to sleep at night and hate waking up in the morning. If I truly understood his pain then, I would've stayed up all night to protect him while he was asleep. How lonely and scared he must have felt. It breaks my heart to think that. I wish I could hold him now. Thanks for listening. 4 1 1 7 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted January 6, 2022 Moderators Report Share Posted January 6, 2022 I lost my husband 16 1/2 years ago...I lost our pets one by one afterwards. On Feb 4, 2009 I adopted a dog, Arlie, he became my perfect companion...Note: I am NOT comparing a dog to a husband! But my life was void and this dog became everything to me, I'd already lost my husband! Here is his story... and our cancer journey together... One of my best friends is going through cancer right now. It's the hardest thing in the world. I know of nothing worse. My husband always feared heart attacks the most as that is what he'd seen so many experience...the hardest to me is cancer, the torturous death...I'd taken care of my sweet MIL (the mom I'd always wanted) for three years she was bedridden with cancer...I couldn't imagine a harder way to go...that was long before Covid. I'll spare the details as it's too graphic and hard for one to read...that was a very hard time and yet a special time as I went through all of it with her on a daily basis back in 1987. I will never forget a moment of it, nor her. I am truly beyond sorrow that you should go through this with your husband, I have friends who have also. I am glad I believe in afterlife, otherwise what would we hope towards? Sending you thoughts and prayers your way, I know this journey is beyond description, very hard. 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Ken57 Posted January 6, 2022 Members Report Share Posted January 6, 2022 52 minutes ago, Kay2021 said: About a month ago, I lost my beloved husband to cancer. I still clearly remember the day he broke the news to me in June when we sat down for a coffee. He took a day off work and I was a little excited to do things together. That day, instead, my world turned upside down literally. What's worse was that he was hit with an autoimmune disease on top of cancer. He really hadn't had any break from all kinds of pain during his treatments. Extremely high does of steroid, radiation therapy and chemo destroyed him pretty much. Immunotherapy was the only lifeline but he couldn't get it for fear that his autoimmune might flare up again. Some say that cancer is kind in a way that gives us time to prepare for goodbyes. But it's not quite true. I had to watch once strong man (I used to call him Iron-man) to deteriorate into someone so weak and fragile. But I still strongly believed that he could recover somehow and be with me for a long time. His passing came as a total shock to me and I am still in shock. It was less than 6 months since diagnosis. He was only 52 and he was the love of my life and the best friend. Our pool, once blue and his pride, is now green and our garden is wild without his care. I lost motivation to do anything. What can you do when your world collapsed and the rock under your feet gave in. I struggle through the day. Despite this grief, I still have to deal with things like his death certificate!, title changes of the house and cars...I manage these things through tears because I still have to support our two teenage kids. This is a pain of which intensity I have never imagined. I was worried about special days and anniversaries without him but I don't think it matters because it hurts every day non-stop anyway. The pain starts when I awake in the morning and goes on all day. During his battle with cancer, my husband used to say " I hate going to sleep at night and then I hate waking up in the morning". Now, I hate going to sleep at night and hate waking up in the morning. If I truly understood his pain then, I would've stayed up all night to protect him while he was asleep. How lonely and scared he must have felt. It breaks my heart to think that. I wish I could hold him now. Thanks for listening. 53 minutes ago, Kay2021 said: About a month ago, I lost my beloved husband to cancer. I still clearly remember the day he broke the news to me in June when we sat down for a coffee. He took a day off work and I was a little excited to do things together. That day, instead, my world turned upside down literally. What's worse was that he was hit with an autoimmune disease on top of cancer. He really hadn't had any break from all kinds of pain during his treatments. Extremely high does of steroid, radiation therapy and chemo destroyed him pretty much. Immunotherapy was the only lifeline but he couldn't get it for fear that his autoimmune might flare up again. Some say that cancer is kind in a way that gives us time to prepare for goodbyes. But it's not quite true. I had to watch once strong man (I used to call him Iron-man) to deteriorate into someone so weak and fragile. But I still strongly believed that he could recover somehow and be with me for a long time. His passing came as a total shock to me and I am still in shock. It was less than 6 months since diagnosis. He was only 52 and he was the love of my life and the best friend. Our pool, once blue and his pride, is now green and our garden is wild without his care. I lost motivation to do anything. What can you do when your world collapsed and the rock under your feet gave in. I struggle through the day. Despite this grief, I still have to deal with things like his death certificate!, title changes of the house and cars...I manage these things through tears because I still have to support our two teenage kids. This is a pain of which intensity I have never imagined. I was worried about special days and anniversaries without him but I don't think it matters because it hurts every day non-stop anyway. The pain starts when I awake in the morning and goes on all day. During his battle with cancer, my husband used to say " I hate going to sleep at night and then I hate waking up in the morning". Now, I hate going to sleep at night and hate waking up in the morning. If I truly understood his pain then, I would've stayed up all night to protect him while he was asleep. How lonely and scared he must have felt. It breaks my heart to think that. I wish I could hold him now. Thanks for listening. Your feelings fully resonate having gone through a very similar journey. 90% of the ads on TV these days seems to me some drug or another for cancer variations. The toxicity of the non-guaranteed treatments and the cancer are both awful…I wonder if I get this diagnosis if treatment would be an option I would consider - guess it would depend on the toxicity and the chances, anyways no one here to care for me. The only reason for continuing in this world is to hope to help my kids through. It was a shock for both of us too as we too did not really plan on this outcome, now I am left all alone in the world full of people without my rock around whom my life revolved 24x7. I too can’t believe that I am handling things like death certificate etc. I never expected to and the expectation was we would grow old together. Back of my mind, I thought being male statistically I will be gone first. I know ultimately none of this past plans matter, will try and work on managing somehow now until I am united with her again. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Popular Post Jen H Posted January 7, 2022 Members Popular Post Report Share Posted January 7, 2022 I lost my boyfriend of 22 years from cancer 3 months ago. He lasted five years until it finally took him. I am grateful he lived that long but those five years were almost as devastating and painful as his passing. Different types of treatment after treatment would shrink the tumor only for it to come back months later. He had good months than bad months. A neverending cycle til it was too much for him. Losing weight, gaining it back. Being in extreme pain and exhaustion. Getting so overwhelmed from all the doctors appts, scans, blood tests, etc. Til the last year he barely could get out of bed. I believe they just put him on this last treatment just to put him on something. I wish we would have just said forget it already but we still had that little bit of hope deep inside. Just wanted to briefly share my cancer story to let you know you are not alone. I don't have all the answers to how to cope with this as mine is still fresh as well. I still wake up with sadness everyday and can't get him out of my mind. Still we have to keep on living. These place has helped me tremendously as all these other people can relate as well. 4 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Kay2021 Posted January 7, 2022 Author Members Report Share Posted January 7, 2022 15 hours ago, KayC said: I lost my husband 16 1/2 years ago...I lost our pets one by one afterwards. On Feb 4, 2009 I adopted a dog, Arlie, he became my perfect companion...Note: I am NOT comparing a dog to a husband! But my life was void and this dog became everything to me, I'd already lost my husband! Here is his story... and our cancer journey together... One of my best friends is going through cancer right now. It's the hardest thing in the world. I know of nothing worse. My husband always feared heart attacks the most as that is what he'd seen so many experience...the hardest to me is cancer, the torturous death...I'd taken care of my sweet MIL (the mom I'd always wanted) for three years she was bedridden with cancer...I couldn't imagine a harder way to go...that was long before Covid. I'll spare the details as it's too graphic and hard for one to read...that was a very hard time and yet a special time as I went through all of it with her on a daily basis back in 1987. I will never forget a moment of it, nor her. I am truly beyond sorrow that you should go through this with your husband, I have friends who have also. I am glad I believe in afterlife, otherwise what would we hope towards? Sending you thoughts and prayers your way, I know this journey is beyond description, very hard. So sorry for your loss of your husband, pets and Arlie. Of course I know you are not comparing a dog to a husband but I also understand what a dog means to dog lovers. So thank you for sharing your story and your kind words and always showing up for everybody! It's funny that I am now looking for evidence for afterlife. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Kay2021 Posted January 7, 2022 Author Members Report Share Posted January 7, 2022 14 hours ago, Ken57 said: Your feelings fully resonate having gone through a very similar journey. 90% of the ads on TV these days seems to me some drug or another for cancer variations. The toxicity of the non-guaranteed treatments and the cancer are both awful…I wonder if I get this diagnosis if treatment would be an option I would consider - guess it would depend on the toxicity and the chances, anyways no one here to care for me. The only reason for continuing in this world is to hope to help my kids through. It was a shock for both of us too as we too did not really plan on this outcome, now I am left all alone in the world full of people without my rock around whom my life revolved 24x7. I too can’t believe that I am handling things like death certificate etc. I never expected to and the expectation was we would grow old together. Back of my mind, I thought being male statistically I will be gone first. I know ultimately none of this past plans matter, will try and work on managing somehow now until I am united with her again. My answer to the standard cancer treatments is no if you ask me, even if I have someone to care for me. And ditto to "I know ultimately none of this past plans matter, will try and work on managing somehow now until I am united with her again". Thank you for being here for me. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Kay2021 Posted January 7, 2022 Author Members Report Share Posted January 7, 2022 1 hour ago, Jen H said: I lost my boyfriend of 22 years from cancer 3 months ago. He lasted five years until it finally took him. I am grateful he lived that long but those five years were almost as devastating and painful as his passing. Different types of treatment after treatment would shrink the tumor only for it to come back months later. He had good months than bad months. A neverending cycle til it was too much for him. Losing weight, gaining it back. Being in extreme pain and exhaustion. Getting so overwhelmed from all the doctors appts, scans, blood tests, etc. Til the last year he barely could get out of bed. I believe they just put him on this last treatment just to put him on something. I wish we would have just said forget it already but we still had that little bit of hope deep inside. Just wanted to briefly share my cancer story to let you know you are not alone. I don't have all the answers to how to cope with this as mine is still fresh as well. I still wake up with sadness everyday and can't get him out of my mind. Still we have to keep on living. These place has helped me tremendously as all these other people can relate as well. Jen, so sorry for your loss. And thank you for sharing your story. As much as I would've liked to have my husband way more that 6 months, but I fully understand how harrowing those 5 years were for you. Thank you for sharing your story and being here for me in my sorrow. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Jemiga70 Posted January 7, 2022 Members Report Share Posted January 7, 2022 @Kay2021 I'm so sorry for your loss. The pain is like nothing else. I can relate to much of what you've described feeling, particularly the feelings of low motivation, letting things around the house go to pot. No purpose to anything anymore; that's how I felt and, most days, still feel. Like you I immediately went in search of evidence for an afterlife. Somehow (luck?) I found the resources of a particular non-profit Foundation based in New York, not sure if I'm allowed to name names here lest be flagged for advertising or of being in cahoots with them or something, which I'm not, but theyve been around since 2003 and entirely volunteer run, not for profit, non-religious, evidence based and understand grief. Besides this forum, theyve been a lifeline for me since my wife passed. Just wanted to share that w you in case you find it helpful. Peace to you, 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Kay2021 Posted January 7, 2022 Author Members Report Share Posted January 7, 2022 @Jemiga70 Thank you for listening and sharing your story. And I am so sorry for your loss too. Would you be able to share the site with me? I think it will be helpful. I just want to hold onto anything that will connect me with my husband. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted January 7, 2022 Moderators Report Share Posted January 7, 2022 13 hours ago, Kay2021 said: It's funny that I am now looking for evidence for afterlife. For people who do not believe but wish to, I tell them to look at videos of outer space, other galaxies, etc. it's amazing, so much so I do not see anything happenstance about it! When I see how amazingly vast it is, it opens mind to "just maybe..." When I see how they're finding that life could exist on other planets, it makes me feel this ISN'T all there is...I can't claim to fully understand it all, only that I believe, and am thankful for that. I believe we will be together again. The fact that we found each other to begin with is amazing, remarkable, and seems fated to be, we will find each other again!!! 10 hours ago, Jemiga70 said: not sure if I'm allowed to name names here lest be flagged for advertising or of being in cahoots with them or something, which I'm not, but theyve been around since 2003 and entirely volunteer run, not for profit, non-religious, evidence based and understand grief. Please don't worry about it, we can tell obvious advertising from someone sharing what has helped! Feel free to share the site if you wish, I've been on sites like this for 16 1/2 years and am an adm. and mod. for other sites and I'd never flag anyone for that. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Popular Post foreverhis Posted January 7, 2022 Members Popular Post Report Share Posted January 7, 2022 On 1/6/2022 at 5:33 AM, Kay2021 said: Some say that cancer is kind in a way that gives us time to prepare for goodbyes. But it's not quite true. I had to watch once strong man (I used to call him Iron-man) to deteriorate into someone so weak and fragile. But I still strongly believed that he could recover somehow and be with me for a long time. His passing came as a total shock to me and I am still in shock. It was less than 6 months since diagnosis. He was only 52 and he was the love of my life and the best friend. Welcome Kay2021. I'm so sorry you have a reason to be here. I'm sorry any of us do. Your husband was young, which makes it even more shocking for most people. What you wrote above resonates with me. My John fought a 15 month battle with bladder cancer with many similarities to your husband's and yours. Having to fight right along with him; having to be the strong one; watching my once healthy husband seem to wither in front of my eyes. Actually, even dealing with an auto-immune condition at the same time, though John's was pre-existing and mostly under control. I too was convinced he would recover. Why wouldn't he? He'd been through prostate cancer 15 years earlier at age 55. He came through surgery and radiation and never had a recurrence. We both had auto-immune conditions that developed over different periods of time; we figured out how to live a smaller, quieter life and did the best we could. We'd had all kinds of challenges, including us nearly losing him in a bicycling accidents many years ago. So why wouldn't he make it through this cancer, have chemo and surgery, figure out what we needed to do to for the future, and continue forward together? No matter what anyone ever says, there's no preparing for losing them. There's simply not. How can we ever be prepared to not have them by our sides? I too was in shock for the first many months. A couple of people we didn't know very well said stuff like, "Well, at least you got to say goodbye" or "At least, you were ready." Ready? Hardly! Even though we knew intellectually that one of us would probably die first (that is, unless we died together in some sort of accident), there's no way to ever be ready for it. I'm glad you found your way here because it's a very supportive, comforting community of members who understand and "get it" in ways that others in our lives simply cannot. I am lucky enough to have a small, loyal, and loving circle of friends and family, but can still feel alone even when I'm with them. As much as they wish to, they know they can't fully understand. And I love them too much to want any of them to understand that way for a long time, though I know eventually they will. Knowing that when I'm here I don't have to justify my feelings or explain what I mean and being certain that when I "fall," many hands will "reach out" to help me up has been a real grace and blessing in my life. I hope it is for you as well. 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Jemiga70 Posted January 8, 2022 Members Report Share Posted January 8, 2022 @Kay2021 Yes for sure, here you go: https://www.foreverfamilyfoundation.org/ @KayC Thanks for letting me know ! @foreverhis I can relate to a lot of what you just wrote above, particularly the "I too was convinced [our loved one] would recover. Why wouldn't [they]?" Thanks for sharing. It's good to know I'm not the only one who had rational thoughts like this at the time. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators widower2 Posted January 8, 2022 Moderators Report Share Posted January 8, 2022 On 1/6/2022 at 8:33 AM, Kay2021 said: Some say that cancer is kind in a way that gives us time to prepare for goodbyes. That's one of the dumbest things I've ever heard in my life. I'm glad no one was dumb enough to say that to my face. I'm so sorry for your loss. I don't quite know how you feel of course, but like others here, I can relate on various levels. We waged about a 4 yr war with a rare cancer (all cancers are horrible, but rare ones have the added fun of nobody knows what to do, including almost all oncologists...and cancer trials are a nightmare I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy). The thing is what most saw very little of and I saw so much more of was how she suffered, esp as treatments stopped working and she began a downhill slide...I don't just mean the obvious thing of being scared of dying or getting sick from chemo (side note, I rambled on here in detail quite a bit and realized it was best to delete, the last thing you need is me rambling on...but I suspect you can relate!). I can also relate to the lack of desire to do anything. In those early days it was all I could do to get up and do the very basics...eat, shower, take care of the dog, get groceries. Honestly that was about ALL I did for months. You have a lot more to deal with having kids, but at least they are older and you can help each other. It's kind of like two logs falling towards the same point: alone, they fall. But together, they can meet in the middle and stop each other from falling. In other words, while having kids can obviously make this much harder in some ways, it can also be such a blessing and a boon because they can help you; you can help each other survive this somehow. These early months I think are often the toughest. It never gets easy, but it does get easiER. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Popular Post Ken57 Posted January 8, 2022 Members Popular Post Report Share Posted January 8, 2022 @widower2 and @kay2021 similar experiences with the disease. In the last few months I was consumed by being a nurse, health aid and scheduler all together. I had to administer drugs, total parenteral nutrition, shots…then morphine and oxycodone - I can’t even begin on the details but will stop. Hospital stays and ER with the doctors/providers not having a clue but only trying to treat symptoms have all left me lacking trust in the medical establishment and their limitations are clear as well. The situation was so intense together with the goal of getting out that there was no time to think of eventualities or of the current situation I am in. I understood the pain and what saw what the cancer caused but we were both helpless. The thing is that we had great life before all this (and the closeness turned to oneness through the sickness if we were not it already). My wife would do anything for me, she prayed for me and watched over me. I wish I could have done more for her- she trusted me so much with her care (she would even want me to give her pill during the early stages and not take it herself - I wanted to as well). I sometimes feel that I didn’t live up to that level of 100% trust and get her out somehow. Just sharing… I now lie alone and feel alone and talk to her. I constantly hear my wife in my head. I never want to forget as time goes by, although I think that to survive the anguish should reduce while retaining every aspect of the life we lived. I derive some solace in that I am not alone in this experience being here and that you understand. Missing a soulmate, burying plans made… as others have said is very different from other losses. Kids are less affected than spouses who are soulmates (and I would want kids not to be overly impacted as a parent)as they are still having their “normalcy” somewhat although with just me. ‘ 5 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Popular Post Sparky1 Posted January 8, 2022 Members Popular Post Report Share Posted January 8, 2022 On 1/6/2022 at 8:33 AM, Kay2021 said: Some say that cancer is kind in a way that gives us time to prepare for goodbyes. But it's not quite true. Kay2021, first of all my deepest sympathies on the loss of your husband. Cancer is an evil disease that no one should go through. From the time my wife found out she had cancer to the day she passed away was about 5 weeks. Hers was a 1 in a million adrenal cancer. It caused her to have Cushing's syndrome which did quite a number on her body and health. Because of the Cushing's is how we eventually found out about the cancer, I'm sure she had it for a while. But the incompetence of many health 'professionals' caused her to be given a runaround. Our family "doctor" kept giving her increasing doses of potassium. He couldn't even diagnose what was wrong. We were told by a specialist that it was a benign tumor and that after an operation she would be alright. That is until they did a proper CT scan and found out how bad it was. Enough rambling, they destroyed her body with chemo and she did not bounce back. I'm still in shock on how and why it happened so fast. I told her to fight because she was my life and I needed her , now I have nothing and am still having a hard time trying to get by. 3 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Kay2021 Posted January 8, 2022 Author Members Report Share Posted January 8, 2022 @Sparky1 So sorry for your loss. It's so heartbreaking to hear what you and your wife had gone through. Five weeks is just unbelievable. I feel your shock and pain. I feel like I also experienced the incompetence of health "professionals" first-hand so I know how frustrated you must have felt. I too told my husband to fight because I needed him so desperately. And I still can't believe that he's gone. 2 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Kay2021 Posted January 8, 2022 Author Members Report Share Posted January 8, 2022 11 hours ago, widower2 said: It's kind of like two logs falling towards the same point: alone, they fall. But together, they can meet in the middle and stop each other from falling. In other words, while having kids can obviously make this much harder in some ways, it can also be such a blessing and a boon because they can help you; you can help each other survive this somehow. These early months I think are often the toughest. It never gets easy, but it does get easiER. So sorry for your loss and thank you for sharing your story. You put it so beautifully. I think you are right. At the moment every little thing I have to do seems such a hard work. I feel resistance every direction and for now I can't possibly imagine looking after kids the way I used to. But ultimately I know they are the ones who will catch me when I fall and they will be the reason I live for. Thank you for being here. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Kay2021 Posted January 8, 2022 Author Members Report Share Posted January 8, 2022 14 hours ago, foreverhis said: a recurrence. We both had auto-immune conditions that developed over different periods of time; we figured out how to live a smaller, quieter life and did the best we could. We'd had all kinds of challenges, including us nearly losing him in a bicycling accidents many years ago. So why wouldn't he make it through this cancer, have chemo and surgery, figure out what we needed to do to for the future, and continue forward together? No matter what anyone ever says, there's no preparing for losing them. There's simply not. How can we ever be prepared to not have them by our sides? I too was in shock for the first many months. A couple of people we didn't know very well said stuff like, "Well, at least you got to say goodbye" or "At least, you were ready." Ready? Hardly! Even though we knew intellectually that one of us would probably die first (that is, unless we died together in some sort of accident), there's no way to ever be ready for it. I'm glad you found your way here because it's a very supportive, comforting community of members who understand and "get it" in ways that others in our lives simply cannot. I am lucky enough to have a small, loyal, and loving circle of friends and family, but can still feel alone even when I'm with them. As much as they wish to, they know they can't fully understand. And I love them too much to want any of them to understand that way for a long time, though I know eventually they will. Knowing that when I'm here I don't have to justify my feelings or explain what I mean and being certain that when I "fall," many hands will "reach out" to help me up has been a real grace and blessing in my life. I hope it is for you as well. @foreverhis Thank you so much for being here and sharing your story. And I am so sorry for your loss. I really wanted to live a smaller, quieter life with him once he beat this monster. And you are so right that other family members just don't get it even though they are eager to support me and I also need their support. This community definitely made me feel that I am not all alone in this world. Thank you for your kind words. 2 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Kay2021 Posted January 8, 2022 Author Members Report Share Posted January 8, 2022 9 hours ago, Ken57 said: The situation was so intense together with the goal of getting out that there was no time to think of eventualities or of the current situation I am in. @Ken57 Your post made me cry again because it brought me back a lot of memories. The statement above is exactly how I felt at the time. Sometimes I wonder I should've thought through this better for both my husband and myself. I think what you had with your wife is beautiful. Not everyone has that. You and your wife are blessed in that way. For us, though we loved each other fiercely and we were each other's best friend, we argued a bit. We both are strong-headed. We both didn't realize that what we had was gold. We were still growing up together and thought we would grow old together with a lot of time ahead of us. I miss hearing his comments on the news, the movies and the food...Damn, we were content. And why did this happen? It's good that you hear your wife in your head. My husband has gone quiet. I beg him to talk to me but all silence. Maybe I will need a medium. Thank you so much for being here and sharing your story. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted January 8, 2022 Moderators Report Share Posted January 8, 2022 12 hours ago, widower2 said: On 1/6/2022 at 5:33 AM, Kay2021 said: Some say that cancer is kind in a way that gives us time to prepare for goodbyes. That's one of the dumbest things I've ever heard in my life. I'm glad no one was dumb enough to say that to my face. Yeah, glad no one's said that to me! People say the dumbest things...non-thinkers. Open their mouths and out comes diarrhea! 13 hours ago, Jemiga70 said: https://www.foreverfamilyfoundation.org/ I've saved it, thanks for sharing! I agree with everything written here by Kay2021 and all of you! You all get it. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members RN-Nix Posted March 11, 2022 Members Report Share Posted March 11, 2022 @Kay2021 hI there I'm so sorry for your loss. I know the feeling of not wanting to do anything. I'm hoping that you have found some peace. The man I love passed from cancer too. I have so many regrets. He kept going and I was a fool to think that we had more time. I wish we had more time. Cancer comes to steal and destroy. My sweetheart fought a good battle. It's hard to believe he is gone and that's the sentiment of everyone grieving their love. Sending a big hug to you 2 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted March 11, 2022 Moderators Report Share Posted March 11, 2022 @RN-Nix I'm going through this with a close friend/neighbor, her family is riddled with it as well now. I wouldn't wish it on anyone. My beloved dog Arlie died from it. I hate cancer. I described a wee part of my journey with my sweet MILwho died from cancer...took years when they expected weeks. My bestie (also named Kay, same age as me, our daughters were best friends as well) died of cancer, she never got to retire, from diagnosis to death: two weeks. I hate the c-word. Life seems unfair because it is. 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members DMB Posted March 14, 2022 Members Report Share Posted March 14, 2022 Hi Very sorry for your loss. I was diagnosed with stage 2B breast cancer in late 2017 and still doing therapy for another year. Husband took my news hard, but somehow I convinced him that I wasn't going to die. I didn't fear for my life right then, however, your life is no longer the same once you hear those words. His lung cancer diagnosis came in Oct. 2019, and although he was terminal at diagnosis, he decided to do treatment and it did extend his life about 4 months. His particular cancer responds well to the 1st line of chemo but it's so aggressive that it will return and spread to your other organs, bones, and eventually your brain. At diagnosis he had cancer everywhere except his brain. He did respond well to the 1st 4 rounds, and scans showed improvement, he was working and we were living life, but by round 7 there was progression. He went onto a 2nd line treatment of chemo and then the dreaded brain mets showed up. He was offered radiation to his brain, and he did it. He was never the same afterwards and died a few weeks after that treatment. During covid too. I was allowed in the hospital for an hour each day, and they let the kids come on his last day. Both my daughter and I were working from home, so we did end up grateful that we were all together all day, everyday, for those last few months. He even walked out of the house on his own, so I'm not sure if he knew he would never return? Yeah, can't find much of anything nice to say about cancer. How did I survive and he didn't? Sometimes I wonder if it's easier just getting the "you won't survive this disease":, or live through it not knowing if it will recur or show up in some other bone or organ years later? I don't like when people call me a cancer survivor, because until something else kills me we won't know for sure that I really did survive it. 1 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Popular Post Ken57 Posted March 15, 2022 Members Popular Post Report Share Posted March 15, 2022 @DMBlost my wife to lung cancer as well, she never smoked and was diagnosed September 2019. We fought it together all the way until her body could not take it any more. It is horrible. The aftermath of my life is beyond horrible. I am so sorry for your loss… 3 1 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted March 15, 2022 Moderators Report Share Posted March 15, 2022 @DMB I am so sorry for all you went through, for all he went through. It is beyond horrific! And @Ken57 too. I am going through this with my close neighbor/friend right now, I don't know if she'll make it, two more chemos and surgery, while her husband's had long hauler's Covid (Delta) complete with burning rash all over his body excepting his face. It's been a horrific year, and I hope it comes to fruition but she's said she will not go through this if it returns. I already went through this with my MIL (more like a mom to me), taking care of her last three years while she died bit by bit from cancer that spread throughout her body and more recently my beloved dog, Arlie. The vets offered no help. Sometimes I wonder how we survive such things, it seems there's questions...no answers. All I can say is, I care. I can't imagine this with a spouse, losing mine suddenly all too young, was my worst nightmare, but my greatest fear is cancer and dementia. I fight with all of my being for health, knowing full well that in the end it's a crapshoot. Still I do my best. Sometimes I wonder why I fight to live when I have no one, am so alone, but I have my puppy and he deserves the best life possible...life is a gift, every moment of it...I look for joy wherever I can find it, no matter how small, and embrace it, appreciate it. 2 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Kay2021 Posted March 20, 2022 Author Members Report Share Posted March 20, 2022 @RN-Nix Thank you for stopping by and leaving a comment. I read somewhere that our grief needs to be witnessed and you just did that for me. I wish I found some peace by now but not quite yet. Not a day goes by without crying. Still a shock and a big one. It's so hard to find meaning in living since he's gone but I am trying, trying to find why I am still here and what am I supposed to learn from this...I read your story and that was so heart-breaking. So sorry for your loss. Sending you a big hug. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Kay2021 Posted March 20, 2022 Author Members Report Share Posted March 20, 2022 @DMB Thank you for being here. I think lung cancer is a hard one to beat. I heard that lung is so full of blood vessels that cancer cells are easy to travel and spread from there. During the treatments, my husband suffered from all sort of side effects. I wish we didn't go for any treatments whatsoever. I don't think it extended his life much either. I wish we accepted fate and prepared for his death and really enjoyed his last moments with us. I feel the time was all wasted on useless treatments. It is so heartbreaking to think that he never came back home from hospital. Thinking back, he kept all the fear that cancer creates to himself and I kept mine to myself and I was in denial. His death came as such a shock and it is still so hard to accept. So sorry for your loss. It's unbelievable you had to go through this while you had your own health problem. I sincerely pray that your therapy goes well this year. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members RN-Nix Posted March 20, 2022 Members Report Share Posted March 20, 2022 5 hours ago, Kay2021 said: @DMB @Kay2021tgsnk Thank you so much. When you said "he kept all the fear that cancer creates to himself " that's EXACTLY what my love did. He would try to tell me what he was experiencing such as headache, feeling tired we etc but I know he had more stuff that he kept from me and that's why I was and STILL am in SHOCK from his death. Even in the end I wasn't there and I'm starting to think that was a part of his plan which saddens me even more and adds to my grief. We weren't with each other all the time so it was easier for him to hide stuff. As the days go by I feel more and more disappointment because I was in denial and moving as if we had time when in fact his time was running out. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members RN-Nix Posted March 20, 2022 Members Report Share Posted March 20, 2022 @Sparky1I think it's the shock of the loss that is making it hard for us. Although I was aware that he had cancer when we reconnected he was fighting with all he had but Like a dummy I was being optimistic and running with any little progress that he "told" me he made (now knowing that I wasn't getting the full story)that prevented me from seeing the severity of his illness...it's hard for me to describe. The shock of his passing has left me so confused. I just didn't know he was at the end and would have done so many things differently. Shock is a strange thing. It puts our mind in a frozen state and makes it hard for us to carry on. I take each day 1 hour at a time because besides sighing and shaking my head in disgust, disappointment and disbelief that's all I can do....take it 1 hour at a time. 2 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members RN-Nix Posted March 20, 2022 Members Report Share Posted March 20, 2022 @Jemiga70wow I read your post and after he died I became preoccupied with the after life and trying to find out "where he went ". From my own personal experience I believe in life after death. I'm sorry for what you have experienced our loss has brought us here and connected us to so many beautiful people going through the same thing. Would you also share with me what you found in NY. Thank you 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members BlueFrog Posted March 22, 2022 Members Report Share Posted March 22, 2022 Gosh, so many points that struck me in this entire thread. I think people just don't know what to say, and they say insensitive things based on their own experiences. I lost my Dad in a car accident. I was 18 - he was 38. That loss was sudden and unexpected. He just never came home from work. That's where people get the idea that cancer gives you some time (as opposed to a car accident). And I would agree that having time with my husband had it's blessings. Watching your strong husband deteriorate is very difficult. My husband's cancer was Glioblastoma Multiforme - a primary brain tumor with no known cause or cure. He passed 14 months after diagnosis. Someone losing a spouse after a very short time, or a very long time - there are facets of each experience that are fortunate and unfortunate. The number of times folks said they were certain they would be cured! Oh my gosh! As deadly as GBM is (only 5% survive to 3 years), I was so certain my Tom would be the lucky one to survive and have it never recur (doesn't happen often, but it does happen sometimes). It's just what people in his family do (many of his family beat the odds with 'deadly' ailments). Maybe we have that feeling that this thing won't kill us because we know that there is an afterlife? Energy isn't created or destroyed, it just changes form. Perhaps we know, at a very primal level, that we are eternal beings. At least I like to think so. It's been 2 1/2 years since my Tom departed. I had no idea how awful being widowed was until it happened to me. It's up and down for me. A very wiggly graph...but in a general upward trajectory. 3 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members foreverhis Posted March 22, 2022 Members Report Share Posted March 22, 2022 13 hours ago, BlueFrog said: The number of times folks said they were certain they would be cured! Oh my gosh! As deadly as GBM is (only 5% survive to 3 years), I was so certain my Tom would be the lucky one to survive and have it never recur (doesn't happen often, but it does happen sometimes). It's just what people in his family do (many of his family beat the odds with 'deadly' ailments). I think for me there was also an element of not being able to accept the idea that I would be without my husband. It was simply inconceivable that he wouldn't be one of the 15% to survive to the 5 years. And definitely because he had beaten other challenges (severe mono in his teens; the bicycling accident that nearly killed him in the mid 90s; prostate cancer, which runs in his family, in his mid 50s; being diagnosed with borderline diabetes, which he reversed due to informed doctors, my support, and his own strength). I really could not imagine that he wouldn't beat advanced bladder cancer too. But still I come back to the truth of the matter: I could not imagine a world without him in it. Maybe it's a selfish way to look at it, but that's the heart of such deep love. We who are lucky enough to find it are forced to accept that some day one of us will die first and the other will be left here on earth, at least for a while. I can't tell you how often the Helen Reddy's rendition of "You and Me Against the World" came into my mind the first year or so. Even today, it comes to me when I'm remembering something special or wonderful or even painful. And when it does, the tears still flow and my heart still aches. I know it always will. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members BlueFrog Posted March 22, 2022 Members Report Share Posted March 22, 2022 15 minutes ago, foreverhis said: I think for me there was also an element of not being able to accept the idea that I would be without my husband. It was simply inconceivable that he wouldn't be one of the 15% to survive to the 5 years. I get that completely! In the deepest depth of my grieving, I was howling/crying 'How can it be? How can it be?'. It IS inconceivable. I still can't believe any of it, even though I must because I get up each day and he's not here. One thing I recall thinking is that even family of the incarcerated have it better than we do; at least they get to talk on that phone to their loved one on the other side of the glass. I would love to have visits, even if it was with the phone and the glass partition. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Kay2021 Posted March 22, 2022 Author Members Report Share Posted March 22, 2022 1 hour ago, BlueFrog said: One thing I recall thinking is that even family of the incarcerated have it better than we do; at least they get to talk on that phone to their loved one on the other side of the glass. I would love to have visits, even if it was with the phone and the glass partition. I totally get this. It will be so great if I can just visit him and look at him. If that's too much then I just want to know he's alive somewhere even if I don't get to see him at all. The finality is really hard to accept. 2 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Jemiga70 Posted March 22, 2022 Members Report Share Posted March 22, 2022 On 3/20/2022 at 8:39 PM, RN-Nix said: Would you also share with me what you found in NY. Thank you @RN-Nix Of course . https://www.foreverfamilyfoundation.org/ 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted March 22, 2022 Moderators Report Share Posted March 22, 2022 11 hours ago, BlueFrog said: That's where people get the idea that cancer gives you some time (as opposed to a car accident). My sister was married to her husband for 50 years, he was her caregiver (she's disabled and has dementia), from the time of diagnosis (stomach cancer) to passing was two weeks, it was a whirlwind, it went so fast! We didn't have time to adjust. But then no time is enough. With George it was a heart attack, he'd just turned 51, it was Father's Day, five days after his birthday. Now they've made a thing out of June 19th so I have to hear it in the paper and ads on t.v. I wish they made that on another day, not like I need the reminders, it's hard enough. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members BlueFrog Posted March 23, 2022 Members Report Share Posted March 23, 2022 11 hours ago, KayC said: My sister was married to her husband for 50 years, he was her caregiver (she's disabled and has dementia), from the time of diagnosis (stomach cancer) to passing was two weeks, it was a whirlwind, it went so fast! We didn't have time to adjust. But then no time is enough. With George it was a heart attack, he'd just turned 51, it was Father's Day, five days after his birthday. Now they've made a thing out of June 19th so I have to hear it in the paper and ads on t.v. I wish they made that on another day, not like I need the reminders, it's hard enough. Two weeks?!? Oh my gosh! That's really fast. And heart attack gives no time either. I agree, no time is enough. :-( 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members I miss you so much Posted February 3, 2023 Members Report Share Posted February 3, 2023 On 1/6/2022 at 2:33 PM, Kay2021 said: About a month ago, I lost my beloved husband to cancer. I still clearly remember the day he broke the news to me in June when we sat down for a coffee. He took a day off work and I was a little excited to do things together. That day, instead, my world turned upside down literally. What's worse was that he was hit with an autoimmune disease on top of cancer. He really hadn't had any break from all kinds of pain during his treatments. Extremely high does of steroid, radiation therapy and chemo destroyed him pretty much. Immunotherapy was the only lifeline but he couldn't get it for fear that his autoimmune might flare up again. Some say that cancer is kind in a way that gives us time to prepare for goodbyes. But it's not quite true. I had to watch once strong man (I used to call him Iron-man) to deteriorate into someone so weak and fragile. But I still strongly believed that he could recover somehow and be with me for a long time. His passing came as a total shock to me and I am still in shock. It was less than 6 months since diagnosis. He was only 52 and he was the love of my life and the best friend. Our pool, once blue and his pride, is now green and our garden is wild without his care. I lost motivation to do anything. What can you do when your world collapsed and the rock under your feet gave in. I struggle through the day. Despite this grief, I still have to deal with things like his death certificate!, title changes of the house and cars...I manage these things through tears because I still have to support our two teenage kids. This is a pain of which intensity I have never imagined. I was worried about special days and anniversaries without him but I don't think it matters because it hurts every day non-stop anyway. The pain starts when I awake in the morning and goes on all day. During his battle with cancer, my husband used to say " I hate going to sleep at night and then I hate waking up in the morning". Now, I hate going to sleep at night and hate waking up in the morning. If I truly understood his pain then, I would've stayed up all night to protect him while he was asleep. How lonely and scared he must have felt. It breaks my heart to think that. I wish I could hold him now. Thanks for listening. Thanks for your post, many of the sentences you have written correspond to what I also feel, but in your words you express it much better. My dear one also shared cancer and an auto immune disease previous to the cancer diagnosis. All the time in pain for his last 4 years. I also believed, like you, he was going to survive the cancer. Because I loved him so so much that he couldn't die. Because he was still quite young and we had so much to live. Because he was resilient...So when two weeks before his death he started to deteriorate quickly, I wasn't prepared and I lost all self control. 2 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted February 4, 2023 Moderators Report Share Posted February 4, 2023 My friend Iris is going through this right now, her husband in the hospital, dying. He sent her and his kids home (we're about 60 miles from hospital). Even their dog isn't into playing right now, she knows something's up. It's been 1 1/2 weeks since I've seen him, I never got to say goodbye. We were friends, often he was the only one I'd talk to in a day (we had doggy play dates every day). His heart is operating at 20%, it can't function like that, it's from Covid 1 1/3 years ago. He also has ALL (cancer of the blood) and is Diabetic. I am very worried about his wife, Iris...she also has her own battle with cancer. I pray she doesn't give up the fight... 1 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members I miss you so much Posted February 4, 2023 Members Report Share Posted February 4, 2023 3 hours ago, KayC said: My friend Iris is going through this right now, her husband in the hospital, dying. He sent her and his kids home (we're about 60 miles from hospital). Even their dog isn't into playing right now, she knows something's up. It's been 1 1/2 weeks since I've seen him, I never got to say goodbye. We were friends, often he was the only one I'd talk to in a day (we had doggy play dates every day). His heart is operating at 20%, it can't function like that, it's from Covid 1 1/3 years ago. He also has ALL (cancer of the blood) and is Diabetic. I am very worried about his wife, Iris...she also has her own battle with cancer. I pray she doesn't give up the fight... You are always supportive with us, I would like to send you and your friends a warm thought from the distance. 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted February 4, 2023 Moderators Report Share Posted February 4, 2023 Thank you. My cellphone quit Thursday and I can't do anything with it, it is Iris' form of communication: texting. I'm worried she'll think I got a message and didn't respond. What timing. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members AJ4 Posted February 6, 2023 Members Report Share Posted February 6, 2023 I lost my husband to cancer also. It is a terrible cruel disease. He wasn't really very old either- 52, and it took 15 months from when he was seemingly healthy as could be until it killed him. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted February 6, 2023 Moderators Report Share Posted February 6, 2023 I am so sorry you lost your husband to cancer, very hard. My friend Mike passed Saturday, I never got to say goodbye. I guess that's how he wanted it. His was heart, damaged by Covid 1 1/3 years ago. I knew he paced himself but had no idea about his true condition. I can't help but wonder how much his Diabetes played in his response to Covid... 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members RN-Nix Posted February 6, 2023 Members Report Share Posted February 6, 2023 11 hours ago, AJ4 said: I lost my husband to cancer also. It is a terrible cruel disease. He wasn't really very old either- 52, and it took 15 months from when he was seemingly healthy as could be until it killed him. I'm so sorry to hear. I lost my love to cancer also at 54. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators widower2 Posted February 7, 2023 Moderators Report Share Posted February 7, 2023 On 1/7/2022 at 11:48 PM, Sparky1 said: the incompetence of many health 'professionals' caused her to be given a runaround. I wish I could say I have no idea what you're talking about but I could tell you horror stories. People talk about "the leading cause of death" for this or that demographic but I would bet my life that the answer is (and what I would tell anyone asking me that question): medical incompetence. And keep in mind we criss-crossed the nation going to the so-called best cancer centers in the world (MD Anderson, Johns Hopkins, etc). They were ALL a joke. And our local oncologist? He should be in jail and it's a miracle I'm not in jail for beating him to a pulp. argh, sorry. It just gets me even after all this time. Our medical profession at least when it comes to cancer is a joke. 3 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted February 7, 2023 Moderators Report Share Posted February 7, 2023 You've pretty much said it all, @widower2 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Sparky1 Posted February 7, 2023 Members Report Share Posted February 7, 2023 10 hours ago, widower2 said: I wish I could say I have no idea what you're talking about but I could tell you horror stories. People talk about "the leading cause of death" for this or that demographic but I would bet my life that the answer is (and what I would tell anyone asking me that question): medical incompetence. And keep in mind we criss-crossed the nation going to the so-called best cancer centers in the world (MD Anderson, Johns Hopkins, etc). They were ALL a joke. And our local oncologist? He should be in jail and it's a miracle I'm not in jail for beating him to a pulp. argh, sorry. It just gets me even after all this time. Our medical profession at least when it comes to cancer is a joke. People don't realize how this huge behemoth of a medical system works until they are confronted with it personally. The shock of losing my wife was bad enough, but the indifference and callousness of the whole system gives you an even bigger shock. It's like you're in the twilight zone and not really a part of what is going on. And I don't think this is by accident either, it's too common everywhere. Are we just cows to be milked, or human beings that have loved ones that need them? I could go on but the more I do, the more I boil. Thanks for the support widower2, I can only imagine what you've also been through. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members DMB Posted February 7, 2023 Members Report Share Posted February 7, 2023 Very sorry @widower2 and @Sparky1. I didn't quite experience bad medical care on that scale. It wasn't perfect, and as a cancer patient myself I have learned to be my own advocate. I read and research everything. My husband was terminal at diagnosis, so we knew that. His oncologist was older and kept reminding us each visit that it was terminal. I was on NCCN guidelines site and I literally handed him the treatment. Immunotherapy had just been approved to be given with the chemo and the latest study had showed overall improved survival time. He agreed and our insurance paid for it. His Nurse practitioner (Mary) was very involved and took a liking to my husband, she helped me and my daughter greatly with questions and things to do to keep him comfortable. I was at the oncologist last month and he was giving me a risk assessment as I am approaching 5 years out from stage 2b breast cancer. He said there's a very low risk of my cancer returning. I told him to look again. I am at high risk of a late recurrence. He looked at my stats and agreed that it is reasonable for me to continue my therapy beyond 5 years to 10 years, and actually the latest research shows no difference from 10 years to 7 years. I will re-look this up before my next appointment. I'm thinking of quitting at 7 years of the armostase inhibitor pills. It is shocking what they don't know. If I can get the information so should they. All the advertisements for these big cancer centers saying they individualize each patient's treatment is simply not true. I also broke protocol this year by not scheduling an MRI. Since I'm still taking the pills, I'm doing something, so I don't need this expensive test. I just finished paying for last year's. Not incurring the cost. So sorry things were much worse for you guys. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators widower2 Posted February 8, 2023 Moderators Report Share Posted February 8, 2023 13 hours ago, Sparky1 said: It's like you're in the twilight zone and not really a part of what is going on. Yes exactly. Which is bizarre as you are in the eye of the storm. To this day I am enraged at myself for not ripping various "doctors" and other POSs a new one when they were desperately begging for it, but I was overwhelmed and not exactly at my best or strongest. But I do advocate people to NEVER be afraid to at least push back when you get a questionable response or attitude. At the very least always, always get (at least) a second if not a third opinion. Doctors don't know everything and they aren't always right to put it mildly. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members I miss you so much Posted February 8, 2023 Members Report Share Posted February 8, 2023 On 2/4/2023 at 3:48 PM, KayC said: Thank you. My cellphone quit Thursday and I can't do anything with it, it is Iris' form of communication: texting. I'm worried she'll think I got a message and didn't respond. What timing. Hope you could have solved for your phone. I understand how desperate it is. My sim card stopped working at the end of last June and I couldn't solve it until after his death. When I needed most my phone working, I only found problems. Should we think it's a sort of "sign"? I'm sure your friend won't think you haven't replied, just that you must have some problem. How are they, by the way? Nearly one week after your message 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Create an account or sign in to comment
You need to be a member in order to leave a comment
Create an account
Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!
Register a new accountSign in
Already have an account? Sign in here.
Sign In Now