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Loss of my eldest son


Jacqueline D

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Jacqueline D
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Not sure where to begin.....I lost my eldest child suddenly this year at the age of 39 on the 24th November this year.  I feel my world has been tore apart..  I never got to say goodbye.. 

I  found my child in bed.  The hardest thing i have ever had to come by.  I feel so empty, like nothing matters anymore and am struggling with my other 3 children and grandchildren at the moment. I tell them I love them, but deep inside, I don`t feel like I have this to give anymore.  My days/weeks are just a muddle of days. I feel I should be doing things, but never seem to have the up and go.

My simple weekly shopping trips, my daily text I shared with my son, have gone.  

I constantly ask for a sign he is ok, but know this is beyond me.... I keep telling myself he was chosen for a reason, but at times that doesn`t help.

I don`t like to mix company anymore, fearful of being asked about my son......The tears arising again...

So here I am, just wanting to hear from a bereaved parent, for some guidance as to what life holds...............

Edited by Jacqueline D
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Dear Jacqueline,

I am so sorry for your deep pain and sorrow. It is unimaginable loss. Please know we are thinking of you. I hope these websites will provide you with support and comfort. x

https://www.careforthefamily.org.uk/family-life/bereavement-support/bereaved-parent-support

https://www.childbereavementuk.org/

https://www.thegoodgrieftrust.org/i-have-lost-a/child/

 

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Jacqueline D

  Thank you for your reply.  I have bookmarked the pages.  As much as I feel I want to talk about my beloved son, the moment I open my mouth, It becomes to hard.  

I have noticed there is a chat page, and am at the moment trying to see if this is the best way for me at the moment.

Once again, thank you...

 

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lincolnph

Hi Jacqueline,

My name is Pete. I lost my son and buddy Ben last August. He died from a spontaneous mid-brain hemorrhage at age 44. He was divorced but left two beautiful children.  

He was my first-born, and I loved him dearly. The damage to his brain from the stroke was catastrophic, and subsequently I was forced to make the decision to disconnect the life support equipment. In light of the extensive damage, the doctors thought he would last only a few minutes once the ventilator, etc. was removed. In actuality, it took 9 hours for him to pass on. This period of time is impossible to describe.

I understand your pain as only a loving parent can. It's as if I exist in a bubble now. Those who were so authentically kind when the event happened have moved on with their lives, and I can't expect them to join me in my grief. But I watch the world go by now, and see the things that people deem to be important as inconsequential. I'm amazed at the level of energy that is put into silly things - hurrying around in traffic, busy on their cell phones while with their young children at a restaurant or park, mundane things like this.

I notice that there's a fork in the road now, and it would be easy to take the route that leads to despair. It's almost as if I would be disloyal to Ben if I didn't take the dark path, like I owe it to him. I've chosen the other way though. It's because I know he's ok. I believe that he has let me know this.

Take care.

 

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Jacqueline D

Hello Pete,

I am so truly sorry for your great loss.  Its hard to imagine the pain you felt whilst waiting those long hours until he was finally at peace.  I can only imagine the suffering you must have gone through.

I had a close friend who lost her son around 10 years ago, and although I felt so sad for her at that time. it is only now I understand the full pain that the grieving parent is left with.  As you describe, the emptiness that is left is unexplainable..........the once life you had feels gone.  Nothing is important any more. 

I am told to take small steps every day, but that feels impossible at times as I have already slipped back two, so how can I catch up???    The friends and family who comforted you, now seem to have their own lives and seem to steer clear.

I always use to say, God chooses the best to have by his side, until it happens to you.  Life now becomes unfair, and many questions arise as to why him??

I do believe they are by our sides, (even though I often wish to much for small signs that he is ok), and that we are left here for other reasons. 

Our time will come sooner than we think, so please take the right path, I am sure that is what our children would want.  I hope that your close family is there to talk to and to share your grief at the hardest times.  

If you feel like you need to talk, please contact me via this link, as I feel it would be of great help, knowing that someone else is there who has gone through the same...

Take care..

Jacqueline

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