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Lost and heartbroken


LostinND

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LostinND

My mother passed away on 12/26/21 from complications of COVID and her funeral was today 1/1/22. 

She started with symptoms on 12/15 went to the doctor on the 17th confirmed it was COVID and was unable to get the antibodies till the 22nd due to being in a rural area and them being booked.  She ended up in the hospital the day before Thanksgiving.  She was doing so well to start was looking very promising but then the COVID set into her lungs along with pneumonia.  She'd have a couple days that showed great promise then a step backwards.  Being on CPAP mask with high pressure and 100% oxygen for a few weeks the doctor convinced her to go on the vent (which she wasn't too keen on) but couldn't continue with the mask or her organs would slowly start shutting down.  

I came down with COVID a week after she went in the hospital, the whole time she was still able to text with me and others, she was so concerned how I was feeling and said she wished she could be there to take care of me.  I did too because that would have meant she wasn't in the hospital.  We were always close and more so after my father passed in 2015.  I am so grateful that I was able to visit her when she was on the vent and somewhat awake. That first day when I walked in to visit her eyes lit up and I could see a smile. I held her hand and she squeezed as hard as she could.  I regret not staying with her all day or at least longer than I did.  They had to keep increasing her sedation and by the 3rd day that I was able to visit she wasn't opening her eyes anymore. 

 We (my sister and I) after meeting with the doctor and seeing the x-rays agreed that even best case scenario mom would have had to be a long term care facility having to be on a trach and feeding tube hoping her lungs would heal. Christmas Eve her kidneys started shutting down.  We decided on the 26th to let her go. 

It's been a long week and very emotional but today after the funeral has probably been the worst for me.  We are staying at mom's and was doing pretty good till my sister started cleaning up and removing pictures that mom has had up on the walls and fridge for years.  I've been a total wreck since.  I know that all this needs to be done someday but there is no way I can even think about that hours after the funeral. 

The biggest burden falls on me being the oldest and the one who lives the closest.  I'm not sure how I am going to deal with this, I've not only lost my mother but my rock.

If anyone has advice, words of wisdom or can relate I'd appreciate hearing from you.

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I’m so sorry to read this and your loss. I know what you are going through as I lost my mum on 11th December 2021, two weeks before Christmas. It’s so hard and I miss her so much as can’t believe she is gone but I didn’t want her to suffer as she didn’t deserve that.
 

I feel so lost now in the house on my own and nothing seems to have any purpose. I’m an only child, and she was my best friend and last family member. I feel so lost without her like I’m in a nightmare that I can’t wake up from. She was my everything. 

I hope this nightmare eases for us both in time.

Kath

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I am so sorry for your loss. Although my mom has not passed yet, it will be soon. I am sitting by her bed in palliative care alone overnight because of COVID restrictions. She is my best friend. The pain is awful. She has heart disease and depending on which doctor you deal with has had 4 or 5 heart attacks and at least 1 small stroke. She is 86 but until recently was still mentally young... She is a sweetheart of a woman. Kind and empathetic and generous. I have to arrange all the services and deal with the paperwork and emptying her apartment in the home within a couple weeks and I don't live here, but 6 hours away. She was in hospital for water in her lungs caused by her heart failure but getting better when I arrived the 20th. Then things went downhill when she got dehydrated from treatment for high potassium levels and chest pains started... She started refusing treatment and became delirious at some points. The docs asked me to make hard decisions but she kind of made them for me by refusing to take her medicine or be treated with stent yet again She was put in palliative yesterday and is now only receiving comfort care. She is out... like sleeping relatively peacefully unless they wash or turn her. Then she groans. I think she still is conscious of some things. Like facial expression changes... in some ways it is the most awful way to spend new year's eve and new year's day but in some ways I would not want to be anywhere else. I knew this was coming soon as she got weaker progressively. And I want to be here for her. But dear Lord is it ever hard.  It's like she planned it for when I was visiting for Christmas. She always hated inconveniencing others. Guess she figured I was here longer this trip, good time to go. I mean her lungs were better and at Christmas I gave her several articles of clothing which she loves receiving (who says you can't  be appearance conscious at 86?). She seemed to like them then looked up at me and said, "So I guess you think I am still going to be around for quite a while yet?" Of course I said I want her around for a long time to come. Chest pains started in the morning of Christmas and were not relieved by nitro. I had suspected when I came that her time was limited and I guess so did she. I already miss the mom I  had... in these last days she had so much delirium it was hard talking to and understanding her. She is in her bed with side rails up postioned just so with pillows and I just felt this overwhelming need to hug her but did not want to disturb her. A nurse helped me raise the bed so I could without bothering her peaceful state too much. I wish she could hug me back. The priest came today to administer last rites. I asked the nurse and he arrived so fast I was shocked. Hard day.

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LostinND

It's a crappy situation all around and I don't wish it on anyone.  I did/do, as you should, cherish that you are able to spend time with her and be with her when the time comes.  I think back to when this virus first came around and how many families never got that opportunity to say goodbye to a loved one in a hospital.  I think we are/were fortunate in that aspect.

I hope you have other family or close friends that you can lean on for support during this time and in the future.  My most heartfelt sympathy goes out to you.

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LostinND
6 hours ago, Kathb said:

I’m so sorry to read this and your loss. I know what you are going through as I lost my mum on 11th December 2021, two weeks before Christmas. It’s so hard and I miss her so much as can’t believe she is gone but I didn’t want her to suffer as she didn’t deserve that.
 

I feel so lost now in the house on my own and nothing seems to have any purpose. I’m an only child, and she was my best friend and last family member. I feel so lost without her like I’m in a nightmare that I can’t wake up from. She was my everything. 

I hope this nightmare eases for us both in time.

Kath

I can't even begin to imagine how difficult it is for you as an only child dealing with this especially over Christmas, the most family centered holiday.  I hope you have some close friends or family you can talk to or at least be around to help you through this.  

I know I will be checking this, I'm sure quite frequently for sometime.  No one needs to go through this alone.  I don't know how this thing(site) all works yet but if I can help I will.

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Thank you for your kind words. I have family but most are not coming to the hospital or funeral. I do have my son  and husband but I can't rely on an 18 year old to support me. He needs my support. And my husband is a good guy but struggles with handling emotions so I am not expecting him to listen to a monologue. He will lose his patience.  Only one sister but she is ill and in a nursing home (many years older than me). I only have 3 girlfriends and one I never talk to anymore and they are all reduce to texts because of covid... 

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LostinND

I really feel for you not having the support you need to work through your grief.  I am fortunate that I have many cousins that have reached out, offered help and even invited me to holiday meal since my sister and nieces are 10 hours away since I am all alone now.  Even with that I have considered finding a grief support group.  I am going back to work tomorrow and starting my new normal first week.  I know this loss won't ease overnight, in a week, month or even a year.  I know that our mothers would want us to be safe and continue with our lives.  We will always have our memories and know what their advice or words of wisdom would be.

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