I am not sure if I am grieving right

[EmmaO21]

I lost my dad to a rare and aggressive cancer a few weeks ago, and I am not sure if I am grieving right. Everyone around me is always crying and I seldom participate in that, I am not really a crying in public person to begin with. I do cry when I am alone in my room at night, before bed, and with my partner who is a wonderful listener.

But I just cannot bring myself to cry in front of my mother and sibling. I instead take solace that my father is pain free, cancer free, hospital bed free. That his 5 month ordeal wasn't as short as they all say - it must have felt like 50 years for my father, who suffered bravely and quietly but knew had to go in the end. His body just couldn't handle the complications he had, week after week - without fail - for the last 2 months. 7 ICU stays, 6 surgeries were too much. I in fact prayed to God to end my dad's suffering. Is that cruel? Does that make me a bad daughter? If you love someone can you really watch them in pain for so long?

I think I have been grieving since the beginning of the diagnosis. My dad was already so weak by the time he was diagnosed with a sarcoma. It is all over now and I am relieved for him. I dream of him often and in my dreams he is so young and chubby and fresh - the total opposite of what he was towards the end. I find comfort in knowing he is now okay but I seem to be the only one who thinks so. Does this make me a bad person? 

I dont know how to grieve or cry. I dont know what to do but try to pick up the pieces. Th avoid will always be there, this I accept at least for now.

[reader]

Dear Emma,

I am so sorry for your loss. Please know there is no right way or wrong way to grieve. And you are certainly not a bad person for feeling and thinking as you do. We all have to respect other's grief journey. 

Be kind and gentle to yourself. All you can do is try to get through each day the best you can. My counsellor said most people start to feel better around the 18 month mark of grief. But it can be shorter or longer depending on the person.  If you want to maybe consider grief counselling or a grief support group in the new year. I know it helped me to know that others feel the same way too.

Thinking of you and your family.

 

[GB16]

Everyone grieves in different ways and I do not believe it makes you a bad person or a horrible daughter at all. It is good you are able to look at the situation from his point of view , the suffering. 

When I think of what my dad went through I thank God he is no longer in pain and suffering  ( similar to what you are saying). However, I can't accept that he even got cancer in the first place . I hate that this happened to him. I hate knowing everything he had to go through and thats where the crying and pains comes in. We think about WHY it happened, WHY he had to suffer. It's not fair that he fought to the very end because he wanted to live life. For some of us knowing they are no longer in pain isn't good enough because we wish they never have to encounter that in the first place. 

[EmmaO21]

Exactly that: I can't accept why he got cancer in the first place. In the case of my father it was a very rare sarcoma... why him? Why didn't we find out sooner? Where was God in all of this? It's hard to see anything past my rage and I don't know how to overcome this anger.