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I lost my mom in Oct 2020 and my best sister in Feb 2021


Doom

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I am a 29 old man who have been struggling with his sexuality for so long time, was afraid of my family, friends and my community which forbidden the homosexuality and it consider a crime as well,
My mom, really loved my mom she always loved me and always have been proud of me, after I graduated from university I left my hometown and moved to the city and she was always calling me to check on me she was calling me every single day and we stay talking for about 5 min she is a kind woman every single soul met her loved her immediately, so on Oct 2020 she got really sick where she was admitted in the ICU for 4 days where she passed away and it was my biggest and hardest shock
I came from a big family 7 brothers and 7 sisters and I’m the 12th member of the family and I’ve been always forgotten and stepped on by older brothers and sisters and no one stand up for me except my closest sister “she is the 10th member” she was always the bravest, the strongest and the most popular and lived one by the whole family and the community, we have been always together and she had my back all the time, on my 24 birthday she surprised me with birthday cake made by her and we celebrated together her and me only abd that day I decided to come out to her and clarify my homosexuality and yes she was shocked but immediately she supported me and accepted me
On March 2021 my sister had an abdominal tumor where she had to surgically remove it and her surgery got complicated and ended up in the ICU for 1 week and she passed away too
I feel that I lost the most 2 precious souls in a very short period and it really affecting me in a daily basis in my job my relationship, I became a very angry person I loss my temper so fast on everything and because of this issue I lost my boyfriend too who I really loved and still love, 

I feel I’m losing everyone I love and I feel I’m losing my mind because of it and I’m afraid I can’t sleep I can’t focus I’m losing my appetite and I lost 13 kg of my weight although I used to be muscular guy wit a weight of 93 kg I’m having headache all the time I lost my interest of going to gym and going out with friends, when ever I’m out with them I feel that I don’t belongs here and wanted to go home and stay which making me feeling mad about my self and hating my self for that cause I did not use to be this person 
I’m living my day afraid to end up alone, I really need help and that’s why I decided to seek for help

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So so sorry to hear about your losses.  I too have experienced losses of the three most closest people in my life.  Though it's been 13 years for my dad and 11 years for my mom. Now my soulmate and love of my life on Oct 3.  He helped me through my first two losses and he was my everything so lossing him I feel like the sadness and loneliness is slowly killing me inside.  It's a struggle some days to even get out of bed.  The neverending different emotions is so draining and unbearable.  And I feel like his family are not completely devastated like I am and moving on fine with their lives. They don't even text me anymore and see how I'm doing.  All I have is my disabled older brother and disabled adult daughter.  Both I cherish with all my heart but they can't be there for me fully like I need someone to be.  I also have been struggling with drinking to calm my anxiety.  Though with all that I try to do positive things and just live day by day.  I can't bear thinking too far ahead.  Some days harder than others but I get through them the best I can.  I would really recommend working out again.  I stopped from the covid and all the stress of my boyfriend's cancer but started again after his death.  I hope you can find a friend to at least be around for you when you feel like having company.  I can't be around groups so Im trying to keep in touch with a couple that have tried to be there for me and do one on one when I feel I can bear it.  Don't isolate yourself too much but do take time for yourself.  I don't really have the right answers as everyone's grief and life is unique.  I just hope you realize you are not alone and can come here and say whatever you feel you need to let out.  No one here will judge you.  This site has helped me tremendously as I am all alone in this journey.  And anyone that can't accept your true self is not worth having in your life.  They are toxic to your will being and happiness. 

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Valerie Lockhart

Dear Doom,

I'm so sorry for your losses. Please don't isolate yourself from your friends. That is one thing friends are for—to give support in times of trouble. Be aware, though, that because of your emotional pain, you may actually make it difficult for friends to help you. Open up to friends that you trust and confide in them. You may find that they may have experienced similar trials in the past and may be able to offer suggestions or encouragement to help you. I've found that even if human friends fail you at times, you can still have Jehovah God as your Friend. Be assured that he does care for you. Keep your confidence in him strong, and continually seek refuge in his protective care. Remember that Jehovah values you greatly. He does not think that you are worthless. I've also found it helpful to express my feelings in writing. Sometimes, we will hold back from saying what's on our mind and in our hearts, when we're face to face with others. Try writing a letter to your siblings and pour out your heart. Let them know how the loss of your mother and sister affected you. I'm sure they will be able to empathize with you, since they're experiencing the same losses. Realize that you also have much to offer. Recognizing your assets will give you the confidence you need to break free from a negative self-image and overcome loneliness. You may want to use your skills by volunteering at a nursing home or homeless shelter. Purposeful work is a safeguard against loneliness. After all, your anger will go away when it is replaced with feelings of love and concern for others. 

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Dear Doom,

I'm so sorry to hear about the loss of your beloved mom and sister. It is devastating and natural to be short tempered when going through grief.  Please know there is support and you are not alone. I found these websites to be helpful to me.

What's Your Grief

Grief Healing Blog

Grief in Common

Grief Share

Thinking of you during this difficult time.

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