Really struggling to cope with the loss of my mother 2 years later

[Lai526]

I lost my mum 2 years ago to blood cancer that mutated into leukaemia very rapidly. She died right in front of my eyes, I had lots to battle at the time the hospital would not let my stepdad be there and he missed her by a matter of minutes which breaks my heart we had to complain to the hospital as there was no dignity in the way she passed away all we got was a letter explaining their investigation and sorry - it does not cut it in the slightest. I relive that awful night over and over, I remember my mum being so distressed but she managed to say I love you very much which I will hold onto forever and I watched her take her last breaths which kills me inside but on the flip side I'm so glad I was there as I feel if I wasn't that guilt would of riddled me forever - me and my mum were so close no other bond like it. I then had to fight to keep my mothers house the council tried to evict us just after my mum passed away and then a few months after my mums cat passed away we then went into lockdown. Sorry if I'm ranting but so much come for me at once I don't think I dealt with it properly at the time. I've had bereavement counselling within the last 6 months that really helped at the time but recently I'm at such a loss with myself and how I'm feeling. The negativity consumes my being, I know it would break my mums heart to see me like this - Christmas was her most fave time of year and doing my utmost to pull myself together but feel like things are getting worse and worse - I think I'm suffering with something called complicated grief as more time goes on I feel further away from my mum and myself. My sleep has also been so broken since my mum passed I can count on one hand how many times slept through and that affects my wellbeing majorly (I have a referral to a sleep clinic early next year) It really breaks my heart as I'm such a strong lady and so was my mum. I don't know who I am anymore, still going about my day to day but literally dragging myself through it. Things that don't usually bother me are and feel like I'm in a warzone in my head. I feel time is not a healer in the slightest as I feel worse 2 years later and I really wanted to reach out to see if anyone else feels like this? I have a brilliant support network but we all have our own problems and I feel the further I slip into negativity and this complicated grief I'm experiencing it will push them all away. All I know if my mum was here she would make everything ok. I know she's here in spirit but I rarely feel that anymore the further away I feel from myself and again this breaks my heart in two. 

 

Any comments I would really appreciate and anyone that reads this thanks so much for reading this and it has been a slight relief putting this down in writing. I've tried to self medicate which I know won't help - the doctors keep offering me antidepressants which I feel isn't the answer as it will only mask my grief. Wanted to ask if anyone has any coping mechanisms they can suggest? 

 

Thanks so much.

[Melissa1975]

Hello Lai526, 

im so sorry you are where you are emotionally, I get it. It’s all normal to be feeling. I lost my mother in 1990 when I was 15. She was not sick, it was a car accident and like you, we were very close. I’m sorry you had to see her suffer and that it seems like a bad way to go regarding how the hospital handled it. I’m especially sorry about the stress after with the house- that is unreal! I’m so so sorry..it’s no wonder you aren’t sleeping. Cbd gummies really help me sleep, you’ll feel better just by sleeping. It’s so important to sleep every night to handle things even when there is no tragedy, so not sleeping now is really effecting you sure and it’s no wonder you don’t handle normal stress well. Look into magnesium also, something called Calm is very good. It helps to calm the nervous system naturally. 

The loss of our mom is very unique. It’s as if we are liquid that has lost our container and we just pour out, in no specific direction and sometimes even drip off the countertop and onto the floor...It could feel like there’s no structure anymore to us. And in many ways it’s true, I guess. We’ve lost our mirror, our shadow, our inheritance and our compass.  Suddenly we feel like we are not whole and we look back on our previous selves and feel permanently locked out from a life we thought was a given. But now, the unthinkable happened and we have no idea what to do with ourselves because all we can think about, consciously or subconsciously is how we’ve been ripped out from our beautiful love filled life and we can never return. 
but..I honestly believe that each of us knew this is the life we were going to have before we were born and that this is our chance to experience the strength of mothering ourselves. Sometimes the best thing we can do is remember that life is really really short. We are only here for a blink of an eye. Think of your life right now as a soccer game. I know nothing about soccer at all but it came to mind..Imagine you’re in the best game, your team is killing it and your lead player is leading you all to victory and you are her best mate. Suddenly she is removed from the game and is forced to sit on the sidelines for the remainder of the game. Do you suddenly forget how to play, do you suddenly forget your talents and sit down on the field? How long will you sit there? No, you don’t because you KNOW that the game is meant to be played. You also know that when it’s finished she will be there, and you’re catch up on how the game went and you’ll talk about its peaks and valleys and how you managed the entire game once it’s finished. Your coach knows your strengths and your weaknesses and is cheering for you to grab the ball and finish the game. He knows you can, he knows you are there to become an even stronger player. It’s just a game, life. Truly we are here to learn about ourselves and about how we matter in our world. Your mom was pulled out exactly how it was meant to be FOR HER. It’s not for you to understand or to torture yourself with remembering over and over again how painful it was. How she went from this world is between her and God and I promise she’s not upset about any of it. I’ve watched soo many near death experiences on YouTube and they all say that the intelligence of life makes things simple and clear on the other side. And the battlefield in your mind could be controlled by just not fighting your thoughts. Just quiet your mind and protect your heart. If that means spending an hour a week with your support system because THATS ALL you can give them do it. Treat your grief like you’re mothering a child and you know what’s best for them to get better.
it’s been two years, that’s not long at all. If YOU want to celebrate Christmas but can’t snap out of your depression, try a simple strand of lights. Buy a box, thumb tac it to the wall or ceiling and plug it in. It changes the whole mood and is comforting.

A thought just crossed my mind- Maybe if you begin to accept that her loss was meant to happen, that nothing was out of place maybe then you can begin to be at peace with it and then you can begin to build your life from where you are. It WILL look different than all you’ve known and that’s the challenge. That’s part of what you do on the field. Free yourself from the tragedy of it, you don’t have to hold onto it for it to be real. As we have heard countless times before, nothing matters but today. Sit with that and know it is real.

I had a dream about a year ago maybe two, my grandfather was in the dream, he died many years ago. He was not a good father but I loved him. He was not kind to his children, he was a liar and a thief, he was also orphaned by his family during those times when families could not afford their children so they gave them up. He had a lot to be bitter about obviously, and did not know a lot about love. In my dream he was there, which is very odd because I don’t often dream of him at all. And in my dream I told him that I suffer with depression and he was smiling and I knew he wanted to tell me something that he had learned and he said to me ..” but that’s just the thing, you don’t have to carry it around with you, you can let it go!” And I woke up and I understood, that on the other side you learn so many things and you understand what life is really about and it’s only in our experiences on earth, that things are taken so seriously and we paralyze ourselves with our thoughts and our emotions but we don’t have to. We can choose how we feel every day, and for the days that we truly don’t have the energy at all, that’s ok. Take it easy that day, take a walk, sleep, drink too much coffee, do whatever it is that expresses love for yourself. It will be ok, we will all be OK. This life is beautiful for some and tragic for others and it is only temporary to all.

PS some ppl thank god for antidepressants but I will tell you this. It’s the one single most profound regret that I have is taking them years ago. I had a life changing side effect that I never recovered from. It’s too personal to go into, but I now understand that grief needs to be walked through not avoided. There’s NOTHING wrong with you. You’re 100% healthy, you’re just hurting. Give a change in your perspective a try.

I hope this helps, your friend from Florida

Edited December 21, 2021 by Melissa1975
After thought

[ADM925]

17 hours ago, Lai526 said:

I feel time is not a healer in the slightest as I feel worse 2 years later and I really wanted to reach out to see if anyone else feels like this?

It gels worse by the minute since the 7/17 nightmare and has now become a 24/7 claustrophobic panic, a frightening living hell more unbearable all the time. 

18 hours ago, Lai526 said:

me and my mum were so close no other bond like it.

Mom was my sole refuge in the world; I'm not close to anyone else since 2000 when we lost my father.  Mom and I were inseparable for 59 years until we couldn't see each other for 3 months because of the covid restrictions.  The despair of being apart from the one person I can't live without worsens the longer the separation goes on.

18 hours ago, Lai526 said:

My sleep has also been so broken since my mum passed I can count on one hand how many times slept through

'Sleeping' is a horror because of the dreams - last dream was Mom, Dad, and me hugging each other in a circle and weeping as I kept saying "Don't leave me, don't leave me, you can't ever leave me" until I woke up in the empty house alone having what felt like heart palpitations.  I can't contain the panic after these episodes and end up pacing around the house screaming in terror. This sort of thing happened all the time when Mom was hospitalized or in the nursing home, and it is worse now.   There are no words to describe how much these dream-shocks make me hate and dread life in this world.  I keep thinking and saying "I don't want to be here anymore", and wonder how much longer I'll last at my age.

18 hours ago, Lai526 said:

All I know if my mum was here she would make everything ok.

  The most painful thing of all

[Lai526]

@Melissa1975 Hello Melissa1975, I cannot thank you enough for your response I have read your message over and over today and it has really helped me. I can feel so alone with my grief sometimes like I say have a brilliant support network but as I say everyone has their own problems and I'm very conscious of what I put on others so I thought it would be best to reach out on a forum like this to speak to others who are deep in grief like me. I see a slight glimmer of myself somedays then others I feel so far away from myself - I think I need to be thankful for all that I have in this world (some people don't have anywhere as much as I do and that upsets me that I should be grateful for all I have in this world - like you say I'm 100% healthy and I truly believe a change in perspective will help me massively). My mum would not want to see me like this that's for sure - she was made of iron and endured so much throughout life (she had a beautiful life too travelling when she was younger - she had me at 36 and lived her life to the full always the life and soul and lit up every room she walked into - I was exactly the same too until my mum passed  and as I say seen glimmers of myself since then but you are so right things will never be the same I am not the same person after suffering such a great loss and its adapting to that new normal which is the challenge - you are so spot on in everything you say and it has really hit me in the heart and put things into perspective massively. Also my mum made a massive risk in having me she had health problems and was not supposed to live past my 8th birthday and we shared a whole 28 years together and typing this out to you makes me realise how lucky I am to have shared a beautiful life with her regardless of how badly things ended. I am so so sorry you lost your mum at such a young age, it must of been awful having to deal with her sudden passing at the age of 15 - I don't think I would of been able handle loosing mum as a teenage so well done for coming as far as you have I really and truly rate you and I'm so glad you responded to my post as I feel its meant to be we found each other from here and just know in the response you've given me your mum raised a truly beautiful person .

 

It was the most awful time losing mum like that no dignity in it at all having to battle with the hospital for care that should of come as standard, that dreadful night replays in my mind over and over I remember being outside the hospital and I fell to the ground in floods of tears and my stepdad scooped me up (he is like my dad him and my mum were together for 18 years and truly breaks my heart he did not get to say goodbye to my mum properly - he's very positive and looks after me massively and I know my mum has left him behind in this world for that reason to look after and guide me - but you are very right that its learning how to mother myself too). My sleeping is terrible has been a downward spiral over the past two years, it takes me ages to fall asleep and then I'm up 4 - 5 times at night its not healthy in the slightest still go about my day to day but its a struggle. Having to battle for the house like I did too we lived there for 20 years so its all I knew and the thought of them taking that away there's no words really to put into context how that made me feel, but onto a good note I won the battle with the house and it's now in my name and I still live there - that was definitely my mum guiding me through that time to win and overcome that battle) Living at home sparks all the memories but on the flipside forever thankful that it is now mine and I think if it was taken away I would not be sitting here typing to you today. Thank you for your suggestions on CBD and calm - I really believe in CBD and going the natural way - I've tried to self medicate which does not help at all it just puts me into a negative spiral and its only masking my grief. 

 

You are again spot on the loss of mother is very unique their the person that brought us into the world so how can we ever comprehend facing this world without them. Your analogy of liquid in a container which has lost its container couldn't ring more true that is exactly how I feel and it all comes spilling out or at a slight drip sometimes there's just no protection anymore that we only find the comfort in from our mum's. The way you have described the soccer match too its the perfect way in to describe the game that life is it truly made my hairs stand on end and that we are here to learn about ourselves and how we matter in our world. I know this change won't happen overnight I have lots of work to do to become the best version of myself like how my mum would want. And I do think that's very true in what your saying that my mum passed at the time she was meant to between her and god, it breaks my heart as of course I wanted to have her in this world for longer but I cannot be selfish she was in so much pain and I know god would not let her suffer like that any further so he took her away to heaven to be at peace. I really believe in the afterlife and spiritual stuff and you're words and support are helping back to a place where I can feel all that again as its been so lost of late - all I remember is the bad stuff when I've had some beautiful signs from my mum since and there's no other explanation than it is my mum reaching out from the afterlife to let me know shes ok and guiding me through this life. Thank you for that reassurance too that my mum is not upset by any of it and at peace now so I must find my own peace in this world. I've tortured myself more than enough with all the negativity and bad thoughts - sure once I'm back in a better headspace I'll start to remember all the happy times again - its only me that can do it at the end of the day and its all there I just need to up tap it and start living my life again - my mum would want that for me so desperately. You are very right in saying too that to not fight my thoughts allow some calm and be present in this moment - I think we tend to freight about the past and future so much we forget to be present in this actual moment so thanks again as your words have helped me massively and treating my grief like mothering a child and again that is so true must be so kind to myself and I know whats best to make it all better. I know 2 years is not long at all and that's what I need to realise there is no time line to grief we all grieve differently and because I'm feeling still so lost 2 years on that's OK and its OK to not be OK I lost the most precious person to me and there's no timeline on that. I really want to celebrate Christmas me and my stepdad decorated the house like how my mum would - she was so happy and bright always want my house to be like that so going to do my utmost to celebrate Christmas. I always light candles for my mum. 

 

I think I need to accept that too in order to forfill my purpose in this world - my mum would want that for me and as you say nothing was out of place and that was between my mum and god he wouldn't of let her carrying on suffering the way she did so it was the right time and its coming to that acceptance and also that no amount of my tears, upset or heartbreak will bring her back. I truly promise I will do my best to free myself from the tragedy and focus on the present moment.  

 

That has really wowed me the dream that you had about your grandad too especially where he passed many years ago too - of course you loved him regardless of the circumstances it does sound like he had alot to be bitter about and especially being orphaned too and did not experience love like we have too - what others go through really breaks my heart as it makes us realise how lucky we were to experience the love we did from our mothers.  That is a sign from the afterlife from your grandad as you told him you suffer with depression and he smiled and said but that’s just the thing, you don’t have to carry it around with you, you can let it go! How true is that! All that you have said has gone through every inch of my being. We can choose to let it go and not let our thoughts and emotions paralyze us but on the down days to know that is OK too as we are only human. The fact you got that message from your grandad brings me comfort that we truly learn about life on the other side and on this earth those things are taken so seriously but not in the afterlife. Its all about being kind to ourselves in this life and doing what we truly love to express ourselves in the right way and become the best possible versions of ourselves. You are so so right it is a beautiful life on this earth for some but others experience tragedy but it is only temporary. I started reading my spiritual book again last night and it really hits the nail on the head with all you have said so THANKYOU IN ABUNDANCE. 

 

I'm so very sorry you had such a life changing side affect from anti depressants that you never recovered from. I feel the doctors offer these so they can tick you off their list and move onto the next person - it isn't on in the slightest. Just know whatever the life changing side affect was you are a BEAUTIFUL PERSON and have helped me more than you know writing to me like you have.

 

You are so right grief needs to be walked through not avoided. You've put things into perspective majorly and its down to me to put that into action. 

 

Thanks again my dear friend in Florida. 

 

All my love from your friend in England xx

[Lai526]

@Melissa1975 I think you next message is for @ADM925 xx

 

@ADM925 Hello, I am so very sorry you are suffering like this. As Melissa said the dream you had doesn't sound like a nightmare although it does to you, I absolutely promise you that is your mum reaching out to give you some comfort although it doesn't seem that way in your waking world. I only dreamt of my mum once after she passed away and had 2 reoccurring nightmares since that I won't go into as it was truly dreadful. Just please know that your mum is always with you and would not want to see you suffering like you are you shared 59 years together and I find that a very beautiful thing to have shared all those years together, I'm so sorry covid restricted you from seeing your mum for all those months its horrible to hear but just know that you are stronger than you think and the fact you reached out to me to tell me how your feeling is a starting point. Your mum has raised a beautiful person so please hold onto that - I can tell you are from the way you talk about the love of your mum. Grief puts us into absolute despair as we have to adapt to this new normal. I'm so very sorry you have thoughts of not wanting to be here anymore - just know you are not alone in feeling like that as I've had those dark thoughts too. I've had panic attacks and heart papupations too I was swinging myself out of bed at one point. You are not alone I promise you. I really hope things start to improve your end. Melissa has helped me massively in her response so I really hope we can both help you with our words and support Our mums would always make everything better in an instant - you sound like your in the mental battle that I've been in. I promise you the more you are kind to yourself you'll start to see signs from your mum. You may not be able to see her physically but her spirit is all around. We never walk alone in this life - Like Melissa has said i think praying will really help you - last night I started reading my spirtual book again and then got the response from yourself and Melissa today our paths have crossed for a reason that's for sure. Maybe give my book a go the author is called Claire Broad - what the dead are dying to teach us. It really helped me when my mum first passed away and because of the mental headspace I've been in didn't read it again until last night and its like I never left it.

 

Maybe give it a go and try some prayer as Melissa suggested. I hope you are OK. Your in my heart and thoughts. Please be kind to yourself. 

 

Sending all my love to you xx  

[Lai526]

@ADM925 Just to add aswell I made a memory box for my mum where I store all her precious items, photograph's and anything relative to the life me and my mum shared together. Just a suggestion as making one for your mum may help you too - of course when you're feeling up to it - no pressure its just a thought. Sending all my love to you xx

[Melissa1975]

Lai526 Yes, you’re correct lol,  it was for adm925  When I realized I replied to you by mistake I deleted it. I had to reread it and figure out someone else was replying to you. I don’t know how to navigate forums.

@ADM925 You are in such pain, I’m so sorry. Try to see your dream as a loving and comforting gesture from the other side because that’s really what it is. How amazing is it that they love you so much that they are reaching you from another world just outside ours. DONT let it make you hate life without them, that would mean all their effort to comfort you backfired on them. Accept the love. That’s all it is..I’ve woken up from dreams like that and yes I cry as I sit in bed but then I carry the love with me and feel a bit special because I’ve been touched from the other side. In one dream, I was sobbing and my mom was hugging me saying “I know, I’m sorry” .. I can count on one hand how many dream I’ve had of her in the past 30 years so when they come, they usually have meaning. 
I know your mom was your refuge but have you ever wondered who her refuge was while she was here? I know my mom prayed every night. She was bigger than life- lit up the room always and EVERYONE loved her. When she died, I felt this strange pressure to be her so that no one was let down. I completely lost myself. That’s how much she was adored. Till this day, if you mention her name, someone will get tears in their eyes. But I’ve learned that we are not our mothers and we are not meant to continue her legacy. We are who God created us to be. We were meant to live through life without them at different times in our lives and the experience is personal to who we were created to be. Our job is to not crumble. Don’t say we aren’t complete without her or we just can’t do it because it’s simply not true. Maybe our lesson is to learn to see ourselves as individuals and not as our mothers daughters, only. We are all made equal, our mothers seem larger than life but they were just people who got scared when no one was watching, just like us. Try learning to pray, it could only help. 
There’s something I want to touch on that could be a little far left and I’m sorry I’m advance but I do feel it’s true.

When we are vulnerable, when we feel lost, there is a spiritual battle going on. The evil in this world loves to encourage dark feelings and dark thoughts and it prays on us when we are weak. So against all your fears and sorry- STAY strong. Don’t allow the feelings to take root. Immediately ask God (whoever you believe in) for strength and divert your thoughts. Reject it when it begins to feel like it’s taking over because it will. That’s ITS job. Grieve with love. Allow the love to come and go and come again..but reject the rest.

Love Melissa 

[Lai526]

@Melissa1975 lol no worries I'm not great at navigating these forums either it's my first time coming on a forum to talk like this. I just read your response to ADM and you really are a very special person. You are very right we must live our lives how god intended us to.

 

Thankyou so much for your help words and support it has helped massively..

 

Theres not many like you in this world. Your truly amazing xx

[Melissa1975]

@Lai526 awe thank you!! It means everything to be able to help someone so thank you so much for sharing that. It helps me too, it’s confirmation of what life’s all about. Just keep sharing keep helping and sooner than later you’ll realize you’ve made it through. You are just as special, you speak from the heart. I think the memory box is a great idea, I may even do it myself after all these years. It’ll organize her life and what she gave to me in a way that will actually clean out the clutter of scattered emotions. I love it. 

so glad I came on this forum, it was very random but a total blessing. 
enjoy your day, Melissa 

 

[Lai526]

@Melissa1975 aww it is my absolute pleasure you have brought me so much comfort and helped massively with your kind words that come straight from the heart and from a place spiritually too that I absolutely love! It really confirmation of life is all about finding our path and helping others in ths process, I find helping others so rewarding the same as you. That's it keep sharing and helping then sooner or later will realise we made it through couldn't be a truer statement. Thankyou I really appreciate you saying that as when I search deep down within realise how special I am always speaking from the heart. 

 

Sorry Melissa I should of suggested the memory box to you too it came into my head and thought it would help our friend massively, it will with you too even after the time that has passed it's a lovely way of putting all your memories in one place, it will help massively in organising your mums life and what she gave you and hopefully bring some calm to those scattered emotions, everything is in one place that way and you can keep adding to it. I wrote a letter to my mum around the time of doing her memory box too and I've had white feathers - that's all in there and it's such a comfort it all being in one place. 

Same here feel exactly the same 1st time in doing anything like this and I was so down yesterday and randomly joined and here you are - I think we were brought to each other on here for a reason. You've helped me in ways that I don't think anyone else could of so I thankyou in abundance.

P.s. not sure if we can private message on here but if you would like to send me your email address I'd love to stay in touch with you keep up with how your doing etc..I can send you a photo of my mums memory box too to give you some ideas. 

Enjoy your day too. Lots of love xx

[Melissa1975]

@Lai526 awe thank you!! It means everything to be able to help someone so thank you so much for sharing that. It helps me too, it’s confirmation of what life’s all about. Just keep sharing keep helping and sooner than later you’ll realize you’ve made it through. You are just as special, you speak from the heart. I think the memory box is a great idea, I may even do it myself after all these years. It’ll organize her life and what she gave to me in a way that will actually clean out the clutter of scattered emotions. I love it. 

so glad I came on this forum, it was very random but a total blessing. 
enjoy your day, Melissa 

 

@Lai526

id love to keep in touch, you can reach me at sheverbs@gmail.com