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Grieving for my love from a distance


Roseapple

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We had a long distance relationship with some complications. First the travel ban kept us apart, then the cancer came. We were still planning on how we can be together. When the cancer came he stopped his separation from his wife, priorities changed but our love didn’t. We were hoping and fighting to hold each other in our arms again. We didn’t get the chance. He got admitted with covid just after the ban was lifted. Just one week later they sedated him. That they was the last time we spoke on the phone and said goodnight. I tried to be brave. I fell apart. I missed him during those 3 weeks. Then we had to face it, he is gone. Only his body stayed begin he was not there anymore. His mother kept me updated without her I wouldn’t have had any information. Today is the funeral. I don’t know what time, I didn’t see his casket burn. I’m not at the cemetery looking at his name in the stone. There is not even an obituary I can find. He past away two days ago, while he was sedated. The machines were turned off. It doesn’t feel real. I can’t believe it is real. Where is he, he needs to call me. I read about death experiences. But did we rob him from this peaceful experience the light the loved ones waiting, because he was fighting for us for our hope and decided to change his medical directives. He went to sleep without knowing that he is dying and will not wake up. 

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Roseapple,

I am so sorry for your loss.  It is so tragic that you were denied your time together.  I am glad his mother kept you informed. She must have known how much he loved you.

I hope you will come and post here as you feel the need.  We get how devastating it is to lose your soulmate, and it is not tied to how long you were together or whether you were married to each other. Connections of the heart don't always follow those rules. 

So sorry you have reason to join us, but welcome.

Gail

 

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This is so hard, my heart goes out to you, to not be able to be there, beyond hard.  I hope you'll continue to come here to read/post, it helps.  This is a safe place where others get it and understand, circumstances vary but we've all lost our love.

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

  • Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
  • Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
  • Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
  • Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
  • Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
  • Try not to isolate too much.  
  • There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
  • Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
  • Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
  • In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
  • Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
  • Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
  • Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
  • Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
  • Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
  • Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
  • Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

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On 12/19/2021 at 12:28 PM, Roseapple said:

The machines were turned off. It doesn’t feel real. I can’t believe it is real. Where is he, he needs to call me. I read about death experiences. But did we rob him from this peaceful experience the light the loved ones waiting, because he was fighting for us for our hope and decided to change his medical directives.

Roseapple:  I'm very sorry for your loss. I'm sorry you didn't get to say your goodbyes. I lost my husband this past June and we didn't get to say our goodbyes, either. It is a painful thing to live with.

They may have turned off the machines because of no brain wave activity. That means the person is gone and only the machines are doing the work. I am so sorry. I don't think your loved one was robbed of a peaceful experience. 

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Thanks to everyone. For all the advice. Mornings are hard. It’s waking up and realizing that he is still gone. I just got his last letter to me. The letter in case he doesn’t wake up. He loved me so much, he tried to make sure that I don’t get lost when he is gone. 
My mind still doesn’t accept or understand it fully. He even wrote it in his letter, that he knows that I am waiting for his call and that I can’t understand he is gone. He knew me inside out. I notice that I turn more to people that understand that kind of loss, it’s like talking the same language. 
Today his mother took pictures of the last letter he wrote me and messaged me it. His goodbye note, he wrote in the hospital before he was sedated. I’m glad he was able to do that. He spend those last moments worrying about us and how we will cope without him. This is the man I love. His letter again showed me and told me how much he loved me and that he knew that I loved him equally. I dreamed a strange dream of him too. So today was again a little harder. 

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She should have sent you the original and she keep the picture if she must.  I'm so glad you at least know his last thoughts were on you, his family.

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Oh she will, but I didn’t want to risk it getting lost in the mail 

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On 12/22/2021 at 9:07 AM, Roseapple said:

Today his mother took pictures of the last letter he wrote me and messaged me it. His goodbye note, he wrote in the hospital before he was sedated.

Roseapple:  He must've been a terrific guy. I'm glad you got his letter. 

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19 hours ago, Roseapple said:

Oh she will, but I didn’t want to risk it getting lost in the mail 

Oh good, I'm glad!!

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It will be 3 month Wednesday. It has been a lot of ups and downs. Feeling okay one day, then getting wiped out by wave of grief again. I still feel a resistance to let my mind fully go to the realization what it all means, that he is dead. It is as if I take a little peek every time but quickly close that part up again. So many things were left unresolved, for me, for his wife, his family. So many things left unfinished. So many questions left. What I know is that I loved him and still do, with all my heart and that he loved me with all his, that I was on his mind and in his heart in his last hours that he was awake, that he wanted me to be okay and to not lose myself. He knew he was dying, I’m sure if it now. He tried to prepare me the west way he knew. I was not ready to see it and not ready to let him go and I’m still not. He caused me much pain but brought so much love and light into my life that out weighs the bad. I caused him pain too and I need to learn to accept the guild I feel for that and to let it go. Our relationship was such a rollercoaster, it made us both better and learn about our self, but at time it brought out the worst. Right from the start it felt like it was meant to be, nothing felt so right ever, but then it was as if the world was against it. We kept the hope, the believe, fought for us, till in the end the disease was a war we could not win.
the pain I feel when I think of those things, is still so raw as right after it happened. I am not the same person I was before and will never been. I do feel that my grief changed slightly throughout those last month. I started seeing a grief counselor last week and I think it was a good step forward. In just a week I will fly to the US and on my trip I will visit his grave. 

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@RoseappleRoseapple I never got to say goodbye to my love either and cancer took him away 6 days after yours. All I can say is I'm so sorry and I do understand.  It's so ironic that after he passed I asked tge same questions that you did ",where is he?" It's like I was searching for him hoping he would appear . I would sit in the park crying my eyes out and asking where are you???? I'm so sad that you didn't get to participate in the final arrangements. Are you in touch with his  mother still? What are some things that brings you comfort?

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@RN-Nix

yes I do still talk to his mother and we plan on meeting up during my trip. I don’t know if anything truly brings comfort. It is always a mix. I do really like talking about him and listening to his mothers stories about him.  
right after it happened I really hoped that he would appear and kept thinking, why are ghosts not real, why is magic not real? Literally grabbing the last straw, to not face to never be able to see him again. I hope that my trip will bring me some kind of peace. 

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It must be the hardest thing in the world going through this w/o acknowledgement of it from anyone.  "Disenfranchised grief."  An odd name for the saddest feeling in the world.  I'm glad you've started seeing a grief counselor.  It helps to have someone to talk to about it, someone that knows something about it so you don't feel so on your own with it.  I'm glad you'll get to meet his mom.  

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@RoseappleI'm happy you have that connection to his mom. It may not bring you comfort but I'm certain it brings you a sense of peace..even while you are in her presence. Also, I'm certain that you have seen him in your dreams since he passed. Pay close attention to your dreams. After my loves passing his sister said "he is going to come to you" my mind was so heavy with grief , I wasn't sleeping AT ALL so I knew he would not come until my mind was settled even if it was for a few minutes and sure enough he came to me in very clear dreams. I always write it down no matter what time . I am a very spiritual person so I don't believe in ghosts per se but I do believe in the soul which is who we are and the spirit which connects us to our higher being. In my younger years I may have been spooked by the thought of seeing a ghost but as I got older I realized that God shows me stuff through my dreams and I see what He wants me to see in my dreams . Again I say pay close attention to your dreams.

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@Roseappleoh my goodness.  I just Read your post where you spoke about flying to the US. The things you said reminded me of what I experienced. I too could only take little peaks of us or it would send me into a very dark space. I described it as not having complete thoughts of us or him it would make me so sad and still does. I don't think it's fully hit me that he is gone. My mind went into a frozen state. People would say cherish the memories but I can't even do that. The memories makes me want him here even more.. I can't wrap my mind around it it's too painful. It's hard to believe so many of us are going through this. I'm now accepting that this is a terrible part of living that we all will go through if we live and love long enough.  The pain is just too much. I definitely can relate with your post. Sending hugs your way.

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