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I lost my wife and my father at the same time. I feel so devastated.


MarcHannah18

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So sorry to read your story.  I know your heart and soul is broken and lost right now so hopefully this site helps you know you are not alone.  For me it  started with the sudden passing of my Dad in 2008, then Mother in 2010, closest girlfriend in 2011, then lastly the love of my life on Oct 3 2021.  I don't know how to tell you to get through this as my grieve is still fresh and extremely deep.  All I can say is I understand and feel your pain and hopelessness.  He helped me get through my first three losses but now Im dealing with his alone.  I struggle everyday and dont see how this extreme misery and sadness will ever go away.  I just live day by day and try to be as positive as I can even though the tears usually show up before I go to sleep.  All I can do is let the tears flow til I can't cry anymore and move on with my day.  Hopefully your children are giving you a reason to face each day the best you can.  Hopefully you and your mother can support and grieve together.  We both have an unknown scary journey ahead of us.  Praying for us!

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19 minutes ago, Jen H said:

So sorry to read your story.  I know your heart and soul is broken and lost right now so hopefully this site helps you know you are not alone.  For me it  started with the sudden passing of my Dad in 2008, then Mother in 2010, closest girlfriend in 2011, then lastly the love of my life on Oct 3 2021.  I don't know how to tell you to get through this as my grieve is still fresh and extremely deep.  All I can say is I understand and feel your pain and hopelessness.  He helped me get through my first three losses but now Im dealing with his alone.  I struggle everyday and dont see how this extreme misery and sadness will ever go away.  I just live day by day and try to be as positive as I can even though the tears usually show up before I go to sleep.  All I can do is let the tears flow til I can't cry anymore and move on with my day.  Hopefully your children are giving you a reason to face each day the best you can.  Hopefully you and your mother can support and grieve together.  We both have an unknown scary journey ahead of us.  Praying for us!

Jen H,

I am so sorry for your loss. I understand also what you feel right now. No words can ever describe what we are going through right now and no person can exactly know how we feel right now but this group I know they understand us also. Thank you for your understanding and words of encouragement. Yes it is true, every day is a grieving process for us. I cannot control the tears shedding through my eyes every night and upon waking up every morning feels completely different. My 2 children and my mother is my strength right now. We can do this. I know that God has plan for each of us. Someday, in God's time we will see our loved ones again in heaven. But for now we are still here so even though it is painful to live each day we must continue. We have to entrust our Loved ones to God because He is our creator and the source of life. May their souls rest in the arms of God. We will continue praying for them and always try to live and survive each passing day, one step at a time. God Bless You always Jen H.

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Your English is well, no worries!

I am so sorry for both of your losses!  So horrible!  You have the baby with you?  Wow, this is a lot.  I am glad you found your way here, it helps to express yourself as you are, to find others that relate, it's a time when our brains are fogged up from grief and it's hard to think straight.  

Praying for you and your family to get through this, I know it doesn't seem possible, but you will, but none of us do unscathed/altered, our lives "before/after" that moment in time.  One loss is overwhelming, but both of these together, wow.  These tips are thrown out there, in no order...this is a journey that evolves, so I hope you'll keep this for future reference as some things may resonate now, some much later down the road, no order, not a once-size-fits-all, just things I've seen helpful to myself or others over the years.
Multiple Losses
 

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

  • Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
  • Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
  • Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
  • Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
  • Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
  • Try not to isolate too much.  
  • There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
  • Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
  • Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
  • In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
  • Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
  • Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
  • Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
  • Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
  • Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
  • Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
  • Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

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15 hours ago, KayC said:

Your English is well, no worries!

I am so sorry for both of your losses!  So horrible!  You have the baby with you?  Wow, this is a lot.  I am glad you found your way here, it helps to express yourself as you are, to find others that relate, it's a time when our brains are fogged up from grief and it's hard to think straight.  

Praying for you and your family to get through this, I know it doesn't seem possible, but you will, but none of us do unscathed/altered, our lives "before/after" that moment in time.  One loss is overwhelming, but both of these together, wow.  These tips are thrown out there, in no order...this is a journey that evolves, so I hope you'll keep this for future reference as some things may resonate now, some much later down the road, no order, not a once-size-fits-all, just things I've seen helpful to myself or others over the years.
Multiple Losses
 

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

  • Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
  • Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
  • Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
  • Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
  • Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
  • Try not to isolate too much.  
  • There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
  • Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
  • Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
  • In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
  • Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
  • Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
  • Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
  • Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
  • Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
  • Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
  • Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

Ma'am KayC,

Thank you for your words of encouragement and comfort. Yes. I have my babies with me. Indeed, one loss is overwhelming. But mine was too much. I lost my wife and my father. My wife was only 29 and my father was 49. I met my wife on 2013 and she became my girlfriend for 5 years until we got married on 2018. In a very short span of our marriage years we shared the love that is true and unconditional and we have many plans ahead of us. But now, all of a sudden, unexpectedly she is gone. My life went upside down. I am broke. devastated and hopeless for the future. Also, my father which is also my strength and inspiration has gone. I know that this is too much. I am enduring the pain each day. Thank you because I found this forum because I know that we understand each other's feelings and emotions. And we comfort and gave advices to each other to cope with this devastating situation.

- Marc

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I am so sorry, no young person should ever have to be facing this.  Had my George died in his 20s, we wouldn't have even met!  I''m glad we did, pain and all.

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MarcHannah18,

I am so very sorry for the losses you have  suffered. It is so disturbing to lose either a parent or a spouse, but to lose them both at the same time, it is so tragic and unfair. 

I am glad you found this site and I hope you will find some comfort here. 

Gail

 

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Jennifer Uren

@MarcHannah18 I am so terribly sorry for what you are going through. Although a year apart I also lost my parents and just 4 weeks ago my fiancé. However our children are 12-19. It’s simply devastating. He had Covid for a couple weeks in the hospital then tested negative, was taken off isolation and appeared to be getting better. Then he caught a hospital inquired gram positive pneumonia and it was a roller coaster ride of infections (bacterial, fungal, And viral), medications, x-rays, breathing machines, intubation, collapsed lungs, chest tubes……getting better, getting worse. He was in the hospital for over 60 days by the time he passed. The things I saw him go through was awful and the things I witnessed was very traumatic. I slept on the hard recliner for 40 days going over a week at a time without going outdoors because of the strict visitor policy. I sat in his room talking to him although he was rarely able to respond due to the heavy sedation. I fought for him but ultimately it was not enough. He and our children were my entire world and now I’m just lost without him. I have found this forum to be very helpful. Like others have said, it’s nice to have support from friends and family but they just can’t relate. Nothing I’ve been through compares to the pain of losing Jay and it helps to read the stories others share about their journey. Just as your helps me I hope mine will do the same for you.

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I'm so sorry for your losses. No one person should go through this. But, please know that you are not alone. We are all here to listen. I found comfort in this site and I hope you do too. Please take care of yourself.

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MarcHannah18
On 12/18/2021 at 1:56 AM, KayC said:

I am so sorry, no young person should ever have to be facing this.  Had my George died in his 20s, we wouldn't have even met!  I''m glad we did, pain and all.

Thank you for the time to listen and for giving some care about my loss. Every day is a struggle for me, before going to bed, after waking up in the morning it feels completely different now. I felt like I don't want to go on. I lost my interest in everything. I lost my hopes and dreams for the future. Because I can only imagine my future with my wife Hannah. We have many plans for the future, growing old together, watching the sunset on the beach together, travel the world together, etc. but all of that has gone. I feel so lonely each day, each time I remember my loving wife. Sometimes I just want to have my Hannah back, but it ain't gonna happen. Also, my Dad which is my rock and my inspiration for my ambition has also gone. I hope and pray that I can continue to live my life even though its hard and painful. Than you for the support of this group/community because you can understand me, what I feel and how I grieve. Sometimes other people just don't get it. Sometimes they did not understand me at all. 

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MarcHannah18
On 12/23/2021 at 11:24 AM, Jennifer Uren said:

@MarcHannah18 I am so terribly sorry for what you are going through. Although a year apart I also lost my parents and just 4 weeks ago my fiancé. However our children are 12-19. It’s simply devastating. He had Covid for a couple weeks in the hospital then tested negative, was taken off isolation and appeared to be getting better. Then he caught a hospital inquired gram positive pneumonia and it was a roller coaster ride of infections (bacterial, fungal, And viral), medications, x-rays, breathing machines, intubation, collapsed lungs, chest tubes……getting better, getting worse. He was in the hospital for over 60 days by the time he passed. The things I saw him go through was awful and the things I witnessed was very traumatic. I slept on the hard recliner for 40 days going over a week at a time without going outdoors because of the strict visitor policy. I sat in his room talking to him although he was rarely able to respond due to the heavy sedation. I fought for him but ultimately it was not enough. He and our children were my entire world and now I’m just lost without him. I have found this forum to be very helpful. Like others have said, it’s nice to have support from friends and family but they just can’t relate. Nothing I’ve been through compares to the pain of losing Jay and it helps to read the stories others share about their journey. Just as your helps me I hope mine will do the same for you.

I am so sorry for your loss. The loss of our loved ones was truly painful and devastating. Until now I cannot accept the fact that she's gone. that I cannot see her anymore. Everyday its painful and it hurts knowing that the love of our life, our hopes and our dreams are hopeless now. If we can turn back the time or if we can brought them back but it's not possible. Other people do not relate to our situation. They did not understand what were facing right now. Somehow this forum gives us comfort because the people here understand us and gave their own experiences on how to cope with grief. We struggle to face each day  but we must continue no matter how painful it is. Hope you are doing fine. Keepsafe and God Bless.

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echo369s

This is the saddest story ever. I cannot compare my grief with yours. I just hope my soon to deliver daughters pregnancy goes well. Covid all around. Mr. Died. She and I should have it. Yet we don't yet.

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12 hours ago, MarcHannah18 said:

Every day is a struggle for me, before going to bed, after waking up in the morning it feels completely different now.

I could not sleep in our bed anymore...it was a HUGE reminder/trigger of his absence.  I've slept in the reclining love seat since...I don't know why that's better as we spent a lot of time cuddling, holding hands, watching tv together...but grief makes no sense.  We find comfort any way we can and it doesn't need to make sense.

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Because of snoring and my reading and wanting to watch different TV shows, we decided 20 yrs ago to sleep in different bedrooms. This is a very hard one for many. I turn the house down at night with more lights than usual. I'm slowly getting courage enough to shut down more. (Big house, all alone)

 

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@MarcHannah18  Yours is such a devastating story.  I had tears in my eyes reading it.  Your English is fine, don't worry about that.   I am so sorry for what happened, and I know that mustn't be much of a comfort but it's all I can offer you here.  I will keep you in my prayers tonight.

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Hey, MarcHannah18. I looked at your profile and noticed that you are a Filipino. I assumed that you are. Hopefully I am right. Your experience was devastating. I almost could not finish reading but I wanted to understand you, what you're going through. I'm so deeply sorry for losing not only your wife but also your dad. It is heartbreaking to think that it happened in the same day. COVID sucks. I hate COVID. It shouldn't be existing. I could especially relate to the part when you mentioned that your wife was mostly alright and feeling normal when she gave birth to your beautiful baby, then a few days later, she had difficulty in breathing. It was exactly how my girlfriend suffered and eventually passed away. She had a diabetes. Her blood sugar was so high. She had a hypertension, headache, dizziness then a mild stroke, but after a day at the hospital, she looked fine. She felt better even though her blood sugar was still high. She still needed to be checked from time to time. The main goal is to try to normalize all her vitals especially the blood sugar to normal levels. Again, I would say, she looks fine. But then, one day had passed, she complained about having a hard time breathing then a cardiac arrest followed. She was revived then given a respirator to help her breath. She went into coma for days. I was talking to her, exhausting myself, begging her to give me one more chance so I could take care of her all my life, but I wasn't lucky. Her brain had no activity since then and the days after. She wouldn't wake up, and that's it. My heart sank and my future along with it. 

Again, I am sorry about what happened to your father. I just have one question. Your father took his life because she heard the news about your wife being 50/50? I assumed it was though. Just to be clear I that understood correctly. Either way, I feel you bro. I could relate to that feeling when the person/people you love the most, them that give your strength, happiness and everything to live for, was/were taken away. 2 months later, I understand if you still feel the pain like it was just recently. There is no timetable for grieving. Every one of us grieves differently. To be honest, I'm not even sure myself if I would be able to move on my whole life. Just try to be busy. Try to do things that makes you feel normal. Talk to people, talk to friends if talking to them doesn't make you feel alone. You are not alone, anyway. There are a lot of people caring for you and your kids. How are them now, by the way? They are your reason to live. To feel normal again. Feel free to send me a message if you need someone to talk to.

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