Receiving Christmas / Holiday Cards

[ADM925]

I'm an only male child, 60.  Never married or left home, no siblings, partner, close family or friends.  My mother and I were always very close and became even more so after Dad passed shockingly in 2000.  We were also co-workers for 25 years.  The only significant separation we had was in 1990 (a 3-week cruise - I had to take care of the cats) until the medical issues began in 2020.  I wasn't allowed to see Mom for 3 weeks and then 3 months because of the virus (a time that I can only describe as what being in Hell must feel like). My mother was the center of my life and world, the only person I truly, deeply love, my best friend and sole refuge, companion, and consolation.  Her loss on 7/17/21 started a living-hell nightmare that gets worse every minute of every day and night, awake or asleep.  I'm alone in the empty house all day terrified and panicked, and I don't know where to run because my only source of comfort and peace is gone.  

Today I got the first Christmas card of the season from a family member (it arrived in a delivery which also included a letter from the bank threatening foreclosure).  The message inside read "Wishing you a home filled with joy and special moments this Christmas".  At first it made me very angry (especially after the bank letter) but since then it's been causing that panic-stricken gut-wrenching heartbreak feeling that I get from the increasing shock of being separated from my mother, from watching videos I found of her, or from thinking about the terrible ordeal she went through for 8 1/2 months.   I wonder how many more of these horrors are going to arrive in the mail, and I also wonder at my age how much longer it will be before the stress and misery take me to be with Mom and Dad  (my only remaining hope).   Thanks for reading and Happy Holidays everyone. .    

 

[Wandering Soul]

Hello, ADM925. 

I'm so sorry about the passing of your mother.  It sounds like you were both so close and that she was a very important part of your life.  Anger is certainly one of the stages of grieving.  I remember feeling anger when I lost my father and the Christmas cards started rolling in.  Those cards felt so insensitive and ridiculous.  Looking back, I've been able to see that they were sent with the best of intentions, the timing was just really bad.  I especially felt anger when dealing with the aftermath (bills, the bank, obligations, etc.); it felt like no one cared or understood the pain or gravity of the situation.  There are probably more of those "horrors" to come in the mail, so prepare yourself as best you can.  Slowly, they seem to taper off. 

I'm glad that you found this forum and I'm happy you're here with us.