Letters to My Mom - 1

[MKaye]

Mom,

It's been 1 month and 4 days since I lost you. Everyone keeps saying, "too soon". I know they're right, you were barely 60 but you fought so hard for so long. I only have 1 voice-mail from you on this phone, it's when you were in the hospital. You were frustrated with your phone not working right, but you still said I love you. I'll cherish it forever. I thought I knew grief when MD passed, you and I both know... she was like a mother to me as well. I didn't. I didn't know because I didn't grieve. I don't know that I know how to. How do I "get over" losing you? Or her? 

Every article I read says that there are stages to grief. That I will eventually feel better, less empty. I almost don't want to feel less empty. The empty helps me know I can still feel. The empty is the void left by not being able to call you about every little thing. I got recognized at work, everyone else said "good job" when I told them. If I told you, you would have made such a big deal over it. To the point of it being cringy. The empty is the spot that you occupied, if I fill it with something else, I'm scared that I'll lose every part of you I have left to hang onto. 

I decorated the apartment for Christmas, I even hung up some pictures. You'd love it. I took your small tree when I was cleaning your place out. It's up under some pictures of you. I can't find the plug for it, it wasn't there when I was cleaning. That is SO like you. I took pictures and my first subconscious thought was to send them to you. I didn't even think about it until I was opening my app to text you. 

I'm not mad at you for leaving, you were so sick for so long. I'm just incomplete. I'm surrounded by people but I'm alone. And I hate myself for making it about me. 

Merry Christmas, Mom. I love you. 

[ADM925]

This is very beautiful and moving and must have taken great courage to write.  It's been almost 5 unbearable months for me without Mom and I'm still unable to put anything in writing to her, although I do talk to her all the time.

1 hour ago, MKaye said:

How do I "get over" losing you?

I ask this of both of us every day - we lived together for 60 years, the last 21 without Dad.  Being without you gets worse all the time, not better as we're told it supposedly will.  I'm your caretaker for the last 15 years.  You are my entire life and world, the only one I truly love and am comfortable and at peace with, the one person that I can't be without in order to survive.  I hate to be here now; I'm very frightened and alone and I panic and don't know where to run without you.  

1 hour ago, MKaye said:

The empty is the void left by not being able to call you about every little thing.

This describes my 24/7 horror alone in the empty house exactly.  Mom was my only refuge in the world.  It used to be that I'd wake up after a nightmare and as bad as it might have been it would at least be over.  Now I wake up from a nightmare and go into a worse one, the worst possible thing that can happen to me.  I hope coming here helps you.      

[MKaye]

Adm925, Thank you for your kind response. It's helpful to know that others share a similar pain, even if it's the hardest stuff we ever have to go through. I can completely understand the nightmare situation that you're referring to. My problem is I barely get enough sleep to dream still. Hopefully that gets better. 

[Wandering Soul]

Hello, MKaye. 

What a beautiful post; thank you for sharing those tender feelings with those of us on here.  I enjoyed the part in your post about the Christmas tree and lack of cord (I can relate!).  It's been three Christmases ago I lost my mom and two since I lost my Dad.  My mom used to knit all the time and when she passed and I cleaned out her vehicle and in it I found a single knitting needle (that was just like her!).  To this day, I ride with that single knitting needle in my car and her sunglasses.  As silly as this may sound, I keep those things in my car just in case she ever wants to join me on the ride.  I hope you hold on to your little Christmas tree without its cord.

I know you said that you are worried about losing every little part you have left of your mother.  I had the same fear too with the loss of my parents.  That fear for me has subsided quite a bit in the time that has passed.  I've found that the memories I have of them are still very fresh and real but I work to keep keep them alive... through conversations with my family, pictures and voicemails.  Some folks say that it gets easier, but I think the easiness they speak of may refer to the pain that you feel.  In this sense, I agree... some of the pain does seem to lessen with time. 

Don't be so hard on yourself for feeling the way that you do.  I don't think you're making it about you... I just think you're expressing how you feel.  Be kind to yourself during this difficult time.      

Merry Christmas to you.