I'm Losing My Father

[Roya]

It feels surreal to even type this. I'm 48 years old and feel like a lost and bewildered five year old child.

I am losing my father. My papa.  The strongest man in my life for so many years, the patriarch of our very close family, an individual who was rarely if ever sick, whose only concern in life was his family and our happiness.

After enduring numerous hospitalizations this year for persistent respiratory issues, being implanted with a pacemaker and receiving a diagnosis of dementia, Papa is on hospice care at the home he shares with my mother. I went to visit him yesterday and was undone by what I saw. Papa, who always greeted us warmly with open arms and a huge smile, now laying in a hospital-style bed, wafting in and out of consciousness. Unable to keep his eyes open. Unable to form words and talk. Did he know I was there? Did he hear me speak his name, and my children's names? I'm awash in grief and feel terribly conflicted. I don't want to see him suffer, but am terrified of losing him.

Thank you for reading and letting me share my pain and sadness. 

 

[Lenka]

Dear Roya,

I’m so sorry for what you’re going through. I understand completely how shocking it is to see your parent that way, It’s incomprehensible and incredibly painful. How can it be real? Yes, you don’t want them to suffer but at the same time you can’t imagine them leaving. I went through it with both of my parents, their health deteriorating and at the end laying in bed and no longer conscious. I held both of their hands as they passed. My dad passed away in 2019 and my mom this March. I still have a difficult time believing it. I don’t think it matters how old you are, we all still feel like children that depend on their parents. After all, who knows your better and can give you such unconditional love? All we can do is be there for them and let them know how much we love them and that they are not alone. That is something, everything. I pray for you to receive strength  and comfort during this time. Again, I’m so very sorry. Take care.

 

[Roya]

Thank you so much, Lenka. Take care, too.

 

 

[missing_my_friend]

Dear @Roya, I am so sorry to hear what you are going through. It must be very difficult and painful to see your father in that condition. 

It doesn't matter how old  you are in these situations. I am 45 years old and still crying over my dad's passing 6 years ago. 

Please know that your father definitely knows you are there!  And please keep visiting him often and spend as much as time as possible with him. 

I didn't get to do that with my dad and I regret every day for past 6 year. 

He lived in overseas and I couldn't be there on time when he fell ill and passed. 

[Roya]

Thank you for your kind words. We lost Papa one week ago. While we are comforted that he is no longer suffering, his loss is eviscerating for our family. It feels as if the world has a gigantic hole in it, one that will never close.

I am sorry for the loss of your father. I realize, in reading your message, that time only changes the grief that we feel. It never takes it completely away.

Take care of yourself.

- Roya

[missing_my_friend]

2 hours ago, Roya said:

Thank you for your kind words. We lost Papa one week ago. While we are comforted that he is no longer suffering, his loss is eviscerating for our family. It feels as if the world has a gigantic hole in it, one that will never close.

I am sorry for the loss of your father. I realize, in reading your message, that time only changes the grief that we feel. It never takes it completely away.

Take care of yourself.

- Roya

I am so sorry to hear your father's passing. I know its very difficult time for you and your family right now. 

People may say time will heal our pain but for me, it doesn't. Only comfort I have is to reminiscent all the happy memories and know that my Papa (I called him that too!) is always watching over me.

I just lost my fur friend cat on Christmas Eve and this morning, I had dream that my Papa was holding my cat. 

My Papa let me know my cat is okay. 

[Valerie Lockhart]

Dear Roya,

I truly understand your distress, and I'm sorry for your loss. Please be assured that your father did hear you, even though he may not have responded. When my mother was in hospice, I was told that the last thing to go is their sense of hearing. One scripture that stands out to me is Psalm 25:16, 17. There the psalmist implored God: “Turn your face to me and show me favor, for I am alone and helpless. The distresses of my heart have multiplied; free me from my anguish.” It is comforting for me to know that you are never really alone when you are sad. God is there for you. With help from the Bible, I have been able to move forward with my life and focus on positive things, such as the Bible’s comforting promise of a resurrection. I have hope of seeing my mother again and getting to know her in perfect health on a paradise earth.—2 Peter 3:13. That same promise is extended to you. The resurrections performed by Jesus offered clear proof that God gave Jesus power over death. In fact, the Bible says that Jesus now possesses “the keys of death.” (Revelation 1:18) So Jesus will unlock the gates of the grave, just as he ordered that the stone of Lazarus’ tomb be rolled away. The Bible repeats this resurrection promise time and again. An angel assured the prophet Daniel: “You will rest, but you will stand up for your lot at the end of the days.” (Daniel 12:13). May you find comfort and hope in God's promise to swallow up death forever and to wipe away tears from all faces. - Isaiah 25:8.

[Lenka]

2 hours ago, Roya said:

Thank you for your kind words. We lost Papa one week ago. While we are comforted that he is no longer suffering, his loss is eviscerating for our family. It feels as if the world has a gigantic hole in it, one that will never close.

I am sorry for the loss of your father. I realize, in reading your message, that time only changes the grief that we feel. It never takes it completely away.

Take care of yourself.

- Roya

Dear Roya,

I’m so sorry for your loss. I heard somewhere “grief is love with nowhere to go”. I think that’s true. We still have all our love for the person but as you said, there is a gaping hole left behind and it’s like the love no longer has a target. I doubt grief ever completely goes away, but I think over time we learn to direct the love in different ways. When I look at my children I thank my parents and send them love. They leave us with many gifts which we discover over time. It’s too hard at first to really recognize them. Wishing you comfort and strength during this time. Take care.

[reader]

Dear Roya,

I'm so sorry for your loss. 

Our thoughts are with you and your family.

[Roya]

@reader, thank you.