The downward spiral...

[Wandering Soul]

The downward spiral of traumatic life events began during January of 2018 with the unfortunate passing of my grandmother (my mother's mother).  A few months later after the burial of my grandmother, my dear mother was diagnosed with late stage colon cancer.  Although she tried to fight her cancer with chemotherapy, the chemotherapy weakened her to the degree she ended up hospitalized.  On her way to the hospital, she could no longer speak; her mouth filled with sores.  While in the hospital the decision was made to pursue hospice care as a last resort.  I could see in her big blue eyes the fear and anxiety she was facing.  I asked her to give me the disease, to let me fight it,  (Dear God, take my life and spare hers!)  My mother had a husband, grandchildren and a family that loved her and dearly needed her...

She was eventually provided with an anxiety medication.  Soon after the medication was taken, her eyes closed, her heart rate slowed and she gently passed away.  My family was devastated.  My little nephew laid across her lap in her hospital bed declaring through his tears, "You were the best Nana ever."  Tears streamed quietly down my father's, sister-in-laws and brothers faces in disbelief.  The room was full of sadness, pain, tears and the sound of soft sniffling.  A doctor came in and opened my mother's eyes only to formally declare out loud that she had passed away at the hour of 9:00pm.  His declaration seemed to echo around the room.  As I stood there, I felt like I was launched into a void; my world had turned upside down.  The feeling of loneliness was overbearing; the inability to help my family through such an emotional, sad time overwhelming.  Everyone individually said their goodbyes.  I stayed behind to gather up her belongings from the room.  I tucked her into bed and quietly left into the darkness of the night, barely able to comprehend what had just happened.  As I left the hospital fireworks were going off and folks were celebrating the occasion of July 4th (2018).  As I just had witnessed my mother's passing, I was barely able to comprehend the celebrations that were taking place.  I'm not sure how I even made the drive home that night in such a mental fog.

Just as my family was still reeling from grieving the passing of both my grandmother and mother in 2018, my grandfather passed away February of 2019.  He was my father's father; my last grandparent to pass away.  My father once again, devastated and my family terrorized by life events.  I just couldn't believe this was all happening.

After my mother's passing, I made a habit of calling my father everyday during my lunch.  My father was my best friend.  We eventually started to process the series of events that had occurred in our family together through tears and the recollection of fond memories of our loved ones.  It was a typical day when I called my father on December 15th, 2020. We talked about life, our schedules and plans for the upcoming holidays.  He had plans to tape a Christmas church service at 7:00 pm that night because of COVID-19 and stated that he would arrive for the event early.  I wished him well and told him I loved him.  At 7:00 pm that night, I received a phone call from a church member concerned that my father had not shown up for the scheduled service.  My heart sank; something was wrong.  I couldn't reach him by phone.  I contacted my brother who was a short distance away to conduct a welfare check.  We stayed on the phone together as my brother entered my father's house.  The house was filled with music as my brother entered.  My brother called out to my father with no response received.  All of the sudden, my dear brother started wailing.  (I'm not sure I'll ever be able to forget the sound he made.)  He found my father unresponsive and cold.  He contacted 911 to which an ambulance was sent to the house.  My father was declared dead and removed from the house.  As my brother remained with my father through the event, the Coroner's office was contacted to investigate.  A standard investigation was conducted and the house that once seemed so safe and inviting was suddenly cold, cordoned off and sealed until permission was granted the following day to enter.  My body ached with grief, my mind unable to process the shock of events that occurred.  I had just talked to my Dad earlier in the day!  How could this even be???  Once again, I found myself in this sad, lonely, and isolated state.  I still to this day feel orphaned and alone; I lost my father, my best friend, my protector and someone who championed me through life.  

The loss of so many family members in a short span of time feels like it has intensified and lengthened the grieving process; it feels like this vicious cycle of sadness and hurt will never end or decrease in intensity.  Mortality and the purpose of life are constant thoughts pondered in my mind daily.  I have no answers, at least nothing useful.

To those of you suffering from a similar situation, I empathize with you.  You have my heartfelt, sincere wish that you find healing and find light through these dark times.  I hope I can do the same someday.  If you have answers and/or suggestions, I'm willing to listen.  

Thank you for reading my post with non-judgement and allowing me to join this forum.  May we all find peace.

 

 

[ASpencer]

Thanks for this.  I've had a series of losses as well.  I feel the downward spiral, but am finding some strength in knowing there are others in the same situation.  I have to believe an upward spiral is possible too.  

[Wandering Soul]

Hello, ASpencer.  Thank you for your kind reply.  I do believe that you are right; there is some strength in knowing that there are others who can identify and understand.  The hard part about it seemed to be finding and connecting with others who have shared in a similar experience.  Posting to this forum and exposing buried inner sadness over the rapid loss of loved ones is my attempt to climb back out of the dark and find peace.  I hope it allows you to draw strength and peace as well.  I'm so very sorry that you have endured a series of losses.  You don't journey alone, but now side by side with another.  Thank you again for your post... you give me hope.