Lost my dad in august... just hoping to find some people to talk to who understand

[GeorgeJ]

I lost my dad - really my grandfather but he raised me and was the only father I knew. He was my entire world. My family members don't want to talk about him. They just want to move on and act like it never happened. Maybe that's what they need to do and I guess that's okay but I can't do that. I'm very different from my family in just about every category you could think of. So it gets very frustrating. 

[Julen]

My mother died on June 9th. My family is moving forward, but I'm stuck. Sometimes I think that they act too normal. I lived with her and she was my hole world. I'm trying to be busy with work and my daily chores, but it’s not easy. Sometimes I'm quite "well" and, in other moments, I'm drowning. You can be surrounded by people but alone at the same time. Anyway, as you said, it can be very frustrating.

[GeorgeJ]

3 hours ago, Julen said:

My mother died on June 9th. My family is moving forward, but I'm stuck. Sometimes I think that they act too normal. I lived with her and she was my hole world. I'm trying to be busy with work and my daily chores, but it’s not easy. Sometimes I'm quite "well" and, in other moments, I'm drowning. You can be surrounded by people but alone at the same time. Anyway, as you said, it can be very frustrating.

Just the day after they started putting away his things. He had a big leather chair in the living room and it's one of the last things in their house I can see of his. They want to get rid of that too now. I know everyone grieves differently but how they act feels different. I get the feeling of being alone in a room full of people. Sometimes I get upset because I don't understand how they can't see I'm not okay, but then I know they are dealing with their own pain too. So there's the stuck feeling. Because really what can you do? And then sometimes I feel like what's the point now anyways... I try to do my daily routines and working too but the feeling always comes up that he's gone, it doesn't matter. Nothing matters anymore. ... Thanks for sharing, really appreciate it. 

[Wandering Soul]

Hi, GeorgeJ.  I'm very sorry to hear that you lost your father.  It is true that the grieving process is different for everyone.  I know this may sound strange, but in thinking about this for awhile, I believe the grieving process is influenced by family roles and personality types.  What I mean is that when my mother passed away, I knew that my father, brothers and their respective families were devastated and unable to carry on - don't get me wrong, I was deeply devastated too but I did my best to suppress those feelings so I could help the rest of my family through the funeral preparations and process...it felt like it was my role to anchor my family.  It wasn't until after after my mother's funeral that I felt able to grieve privately... shock started to wear off and tears began to flow.  In hindsight, I wonder if it looked like "I didn't care" to bystanders when it happened when really my whole world was turned upside down and my heart broken.  I just wanted to shelter my family from further pain and suffering... it seemed to be the only way I could help. (Side note: I don't know your personality type, but mine is ISFJ... sometimes referred to as a "Defender."  People with this personality type are private, very sensitive and we internalize our feelings.  We also like to protect the feelings of others as well.... which really makes me believe that grief and grief-expression is indeed influenced by personality type.)  Maybe this is some of what you are seeing and experiencing in your family.

On 12/2020 my father passed away unexpectedly.  Just this last week I finished cleaning out his house.  A part of me wanted to keep everything the same, untouched.  I think I could have saved everything at one point (some of it out of fear that I would lose touch with some of my favorite memories of him).  But then I realized something.  I didn't need my father's piano to recall memories of him playing the piano!  I settled on creating memory chest; filling it with little reminders (Photos, tapes, a few pieces of music, etc.) to aid in keeping those memories alive and it has helped.  Maybe you could do the same.  I have no doubt (and completely understand) that the leather chair your father sat in is very special to you; just remember it's the memories of him in the chair that are perhaps the most meaningful, not the chair itself.  Although your family may be looking to physically remove the chair from the house, they can't remove your precious memories of your dad in the chair.  Those memories remain safe and guarded within your mind and heart.

I don't know if any of that helped but I thought I would share.  I know this feels like a dark, lonely road to travel, but you're not alone.  You matter, your feelings matter.