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A message for those asking us over for the holiday


Obsirius

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A friend posted this. I’m not sure how to communicate this to people who might invite me for the holidays. Maybe just send it to them.

Originally from Sarah Nannen - NotvSemtp9be3rn 28 m5hat 1:u31 uPe7M  · 

Holiday host etiquette: If you’re inviting someone to your home and they’re grieving, be sure you’re inviting their grief to attend, too. It will be there, anyway. 
Don’t invite someone with the goal of cheering them up for the holidays. Don’t expect them to put on a happy face in your home. Don’t demand they fake it til they make it or do something they don’t want to do, either.
Invite them with the loving intention of offering cheer and companionship and unconditional care during the holidays. To do this, you will need to honor and be responsive to their needs and emotions.
You can do this by privately acknowledging their grief when you make the invitation:
“I know this season is extra hard and you’re heart is hurting. You and your grief are welcome in our home. Come as you are, we’d be honored to have you with us.” 
It’s also incredibly loving to honor the reality that it’s often hard for grieving folks to know what they will want, need, be up for, or able to tolerate at the holidays.
Giving them an invite without the need for commitment and permission to change their mind is extra loving:
“You don’t have to decide right now. If it feels good to be with us, we will have plenty of food and love for you-just show up! I’ll check in again the day before to see if you’re feeling up to coming over and if there’s anything you’d like me to know about how we can support you.”
Your grieving friends and fam need attentive care and responsiveness at the holidays, not plans to keep them busy, distracted, and happy.
If they’re laughing, laugh with them.
If they’re weeping, ask if they’d like your company or your help finding a quiet place to snuggle up alone for awhile.
If they’re laughing while weeping, and this is more common than you’d think, stay with them - this is a precious moment of the human experience that is truly sacred.
We don’t need to protect ourselves or each other from grief at the holidays. In fact, the more we embrace grief as an honored holiday guest, the more healthy, happy, and whole our holidays will be.  
 

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On 12/7/2021 at 1:06 AM, Obsirius said:

A friend posted this. I’m not sure how to communicate this to people who might invite me for the holidays. Maybe just send it to them.

Originally from Sarah Nannen - NotvSemtp9be3rn 28 m5hat 1:u31 uPe7M  ·

This is really just the most lovely, wonderful, wise, heart-warming, compassionate, loving, insightful, kind, thoughtful piece of advice that, possibly, I've ever seen given to those who are helping -- or trying to help -- other people grieve. Whether your consider yourself a friend, loved one, family member, in-law, work colleague, so-called 'grief expert' or grief 'counselor', who is trying to help or 'companion' or 'support' or 'journey with' someone else through their personal/unique grief journey and grief process...***THIS*** is what grieving people need at the holidays...and also on every other day of the year that is not actually an 'official' or recognized 'holiday'.

For me, I was only even able to click on this thread today -- 2 years after my loss -- because I couldn't even imagine having to endure trying to be all "happy and joyful and merry" and celebratory, just to live up to other people's expectations, wants and needs for how I should act "on the holiday".

So, rather belatedly: Thanks, so much, Obsirius, for posting this!   Love and hugs,   Ronni

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