I can't shake the anger or sadness

[Ramses]

This is my first post.

It has been nine months since I lost my younger brother. He was 18 and overdosed. We were 18 months apart and we have always (were always?) like twins. We grew up being best friends and continued to. My parents were going through a really long and messy and horrible divorce and didn't really pay a lot of attention to us when we were young teens and I always took care of my bro. I tried to help him so many times. I'm still so angry at my parents for being so selfish and stupid. When I moved out to go to college 2 years ago, I sat my parents down and told them that I couldn't take care of him anymore and that they needed to step up. I was so scared to leave my family, but I tried to trust them and I really needed to get out of that situation. He was in and out of rehab for the next few years while I was at school--I didn't get to talk to him or seem him very often. He hadn't been sober for the last 5 years and when he started getting treatment he was angry and had such a rough time dealing with my parents. I wanted to just save him, take him away from everything. He went through periods of sobriety and had been living in a sober house, going to college, and was attending NA for the last couple of months. I really distanced myself from him because he had hurt me so much and I was scared. I spent a few days with him last year about two months before he died that were the best moments of my life. He was finally sober for a couple of months and was doing really well. I was so proud of him--going to school, getting sober, picking up responsibilities. I was really busy with school and in January he died.

It came so unexpected to me. How could he? This doesn't make any sense? He was okay! I don't understand why he relapsed. And I don't understand why he was alone. And I don't understand how he left us and left me alone like this. I need him and I should've done more.

I just found this forum and I am all hysterical right now crying and upset, but I read a lot of others' posts and really felt the pain you all are experiencing. I am so angry with the universe or with god or whatever is or is not in charge right now and I really do not know how to deal with all of this. I am really hoping to find help here--i really need it. I moved back home to help my parents out--they are a mess--and so now I'm living back at my moms house where I grew up. It is weird being back here and it brings back so many memories good and bad. The town, the people, our schools, the places we used to hang out. My parents are dealing with their loss in two different ways. my dad ignores is and my mom is stuck in it. I'm trying to help them. I'm trying to help myself.

I really want this to help me connect to others in my situation.

i feel like i kind of rambled..usually i'm not like this, but like I said I'm really upset right now

[ModKonnie]

This is my first post.

It has been nine months since I lost my younger brother. He was 18 and overdosed. We were 18 months apart and we have always (were always?) like twins. We grew up being best friends and continued to. My parents were going through a really long and messy and horrible divorce and didn't really pay a lot of attention to us when we were young teens and I always took care of my bro. I tried to help him so many times. I'm still so angry at my parents for being so selfish and stupid. When I moved out to go to college 2 years ago, I sat my parents down and told them that I couldn't take care of him anymore and that they needed to step up. I was so scared to leave my family, but I tried to trust them and I really needed to get out of that situation. He was in and out of rehab for the next few years while I was at school--I didn't get to talk to him or seem him very often. He hadn't been sober for the last 5 years and when he started getting treatment he was angry and had such a rough time dealing with my parents. I wanted to just save him, take him away from everything. He went through periods of sobriety and had been living in a sober house, going to college, and was attending NA for the last couple of months. I really distanced myself from him because he had hurt me so much and I was scared. I spent a few days with him last year about two months before he died that were the best moments of my life. He was finally sober for a couple of months and was doing really well. I was so proud of him--going to school, getting sober, picking up responsibilities. I was really busy with school and in January he died.

It came so unexpected to me. How could he? This doesn't make any sense? He was okay! I don't understand why he relapsed. And I don't understand why he was alone. And I don't understand how he left us and left me alone like this. I need him and I should've done more.

I just found this forum and I am all hysterical right now crying and upset, but I read a lot of others' posts and really felt the pain you all are experiencing. I am so angry with the universe or with god or whatever is or is not in charge right now and I really do not know how to deal with all of this. I am really hoping to find help here--i really need it. I moved back home to help my parents out--they are a mess--and so now I'm living back at my moms house where I grew up. It is weird being back here and it brings back so many memories good and bad. The town, the people, our schools, the places we used to hang out. My parents are dealing with their loss in two different ways. my dad ignores is and my mom is stuck in it. I'm trying to help them. I'm trying to help myself.

I really want this to help me connect to others in my situation.

i feel like i kind of rambled..usually i'm not like this, but like I said I'm really upset right now

Ramses,

Relapse occurs all the time. People don't mean to hurt others when they relapse. I am an addictions recovery specialist in my "day" job. I see relapse all the time. People don't want to relapse; it happens because of a trigger or a change in thinking. Addicts/alcoholics want to do the right thing; they are good, kind people but they have a disease that left untreated, it gets out of hand. Sometimes they will be going on a good pace, living a clean life and some type of emotional trigger will change all that in a heartbeat.

I am so sorry about your brother. Your situation is tough, but you sound strong. How are you helping your parents? Are you talking to them? Are you sharing your feelings? Are you supporting them financially? Or are they terrified they will lose you, too, and they want you near them? I'm sure it is very difficult for you right now, but eventually you will begin to move forward.

Don't be afraid to remember the good times with your brother and the good person he was. Cry and grieve. Addiction is very hard to understand, but just remember that it is a disease, much like other diseases that over time destroy and tear down.

Thank you for sharing your story. We look forward to getting to know you.

ModKonnie