The day after Thanksgiving has been brutal

[ESM]

Yesterday I went to some relatives house for Thanksgiving. Although the absence of my mother was painful, all the trappings of normalcy were there. The TV was playing whatever football game was on, people were hustling and bustling in the kitchen, people were talking at the dining room table, and in general the house was filled with activity and generally pleasant people.

Then today happened. I woke up once again to a silent, still, empty house the absence of my mother being felt in every corner of the house. Then to top it off I open the mail and my mom had received her new credit card for the year. I had just recently cancelled it but it obviously didn't go through yet so they mailed her a new one. Just seeing her new shiny credit card that she would have been using but now I obviously won't, resulted in a deluge of tears and uncontrolled sobbing from me. Once again I felt myself somewhat breathless.

The sense of being alone, the hopelessness, the unwavering certainty that nothing will ever be well, once again totally subsumed to me. Any respite from the horror of my current situation that had resulted from the previous day's Thanksgiving dinner had now been totally erased.

It's kind of odd how I  dreaded Thanksgiving Day and yet it was that day that turned out to be somewhat bearable. It has been the subsequent day that has been one of the worst yet.

I don't really have any larger point to this post. It's just that this forum has sort of become an outlet for me to rant, and get my feelings out there. Maybe someone else is experiencing a similar thing today and this can help them not feel quite as alone. I don't know. Anyway, here's to hoping everyone can somehow find some semblance of peace going forward. Be well everyone.

[ADM925]

I had no invites, which was just as well because last Thanksgiving the ICU doctor called to say that my mother's gut had shut down and she had only days if not hours left (this is what TG will mean to me forever)..  A neighbor brought over some food yesterday and then made a hasty retreat when I started talking about what a nightmare my life has become.

5 hours ago, ESM said:

I woke up once again to a silent, still, empty house the absence of my mother being felt in every corner of the house. 

I am developing an extreme fear of sleep because of this and the flashbacks and dreams (vivid  dreams of seeing Mom coming up the walkway - it turned out not to be her - and of watching TV in the 70's with Mom and Dad seemed so real I thought they were back with me).  

6 hours ago, ESM said:

The sense of being alone, the hopelessness, the unwavering certainty that nothing will ever be well, once again totally subsumed to me. Any respite from the horror of my current situation that had resulted from the previous day's Thanksgiving dinner had now been totally erased.

Although I didn't go anywhere on Thanksgiving, the next day was still terrible because each day the panic and hopelessness increase.  I'm sure they would have been even worse if I had gone out (a birthday lunch someone insisted I go on for my 60th. the first without Mom and one I didn't want to recognize at all, caused a massive breakdown both during and after).  Best wishes to you and all.