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"If Only..."


letters2mary

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letters2mary

I am finding that at times I want to retrieve and to rework the past so that everything works out well. Reality for me is that a difficult relationship came to a difficult end. My efforts at having some form of relationship while protecting myself and remaining safe were not met with kindness. Hard! To say little of sad.

What do the others do with the desire that life could have been otherwise?

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:( I am sooo sorry that you had a difficult relationship with your parent. It is very sad. It is completely understandable that you would have wanted things to have been different. Everyone deserves parents who protect them and help them feel safe. I would imagine that it is hard to know that there are no more opportunities to make the relationship better. How difficult it must be and have been to have experienced this type of treatment and of course still have the love and compassion to mourn both the person and the person you wished they could have been. It sounds like you did our best from your side which is all one can do. We can not control what others do. Sometimes parents have their own difficulties which causes them to act the way they do. Still I know it is hard. I didn't experience what you describe with my mom but I will with my dad when he passes. I wish you some comfort and peace in the midst of your grief and process. Take care.

I am finding that at times I want to retrieve and to rework the past so that everything works out well. Reality for me is that a difficult relationship came to a difficult end. My efforts at having some form of relationship while protecting myself and remaining safe were not met with kindness. Hard! To say little of sad.

What do the others do with the desire that life could have been otherwise?

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I was close to my father, but we had our moments. He was a functional alcoholic. But he loved me and he loved my son. My mother and father put me between their relationship most of my life, and some of the things I have discovered now that he is gone are so very hurtful. My mother is now trying to make her boyfriend (of 15+ years, even though she was still married to my father) an active part of my life and I am not ready. If only my father had taken better care of himself. If only he had gone to see the doctor years ago. If only he had found happiness with someone else. If only...

I am so very sorry for your loss. I don't have an answer for your question other than to not make the same mistakes with those that you love. If there are good things to remember, remember those. I wish you comfort and peace.

I am finding that at times I want to retrieve and to rework the past so that everything works out well. Reality for me is that a difficult relationship came to a difficult end. My efforts at having some form of relationship while protecting myself and remaining safe were not met with kindness. Hard! To say little of sad.

What do the others do with the desire that life could have been otherwise?

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If only I had done CPR fast enough to get air to my mom's brain... Maybe she wouldn't be brain-dead right now.

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Lily, you did everything that you could possibly have done to help your Mom. Sometimes it is just that...their time to go. We worked hard to try to save our son. My husband performed CPR and I stood beside him on the phone to the emergency response team phone line. We live in the country. It took eleven minutes for them to arrive but it seemed like eleven years. How they arrived that quickly.. God only knows. He took his last breathe as we were performing CPR. Two ambulances, a fire truck and three police cars arrived. My house was swarming with people. They did everything they could to revive him but in truth...they did it for us. He was already gone. Had they brought him back the brain damage would have been so severe that he would have lived the rest of his life in an institution. My husband is still haunted by the feel of that last breathe. He is now in a better place and out of pain and unhappiness. But I am proof that as hard and painful as it is it will get a little easier in time. But only if you work at it. Professionals or helpful supporting family and friends will try and you must let them into your life. You owe it to yourself. We are all responsible for our own lives. We cannot place that pressure on others to save us. We have to work with them. Your Mom was responsible for her own actions. Not you.

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Wow Kate, you've been through a lot. I know these "what if" questions will haunt those people who witnessed the death of a loved one and I think it is natural to ask these questions. God bless you and I will remember your son in my prayers.

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Hey Lily...you are so right that it is natural to ask those questions. We all do. Thanks for your thoughts and prayers, I really do appreciate it!. Stay strong and keep us posted. Everyone here cares.

Kate

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