Losing the chance to grieve?

[Esmi90]

I lost dad,3 months ago. It was sudden. He was at work when he told my boyfriend he didn’t feel good then fell to the ground. My boyfriend called 911 and started CPR. My boyfriend called me told me that my Dad was on route to the hospital. I was at work trying not to panic I called someone to come cover my shift. It only took them about 5 mins to get there. In that time I called my mom told her to be ready to get picked up and told her what I was told. And we tried calling the hospital and being told they couldn’t tell us anything over the phone. We lived 45 mins away. I picked up mom and kids and took off. Mom had got a hold of my brother who got to the hospital first. He called us when we were half way there. Mom answered the phone then just started screaming…. I knew what that meant. I started crying.. my hands went numb, I had this tingling on my temple, my vision was tunneling. I pulled over cried for a second then I told my mom to stop screaming cause I needed to drive. I fight through all the feeing. When we made it but it felt like hours. After that it was all a rush… they wouldn’t let me see him. Cause of Covid rules and a policy that’s says that if a someone passes within 24 hours they automatically need autopsy and we can’t contaminated the body. But my brother pushed us through. We got 5 mins before security got there and told us to leave. After that it was up to me to do everything and everyone telling me I had to figure everything out. Fundraiser… funeral arrangements, plots, I had to do it alone. Then I have my mom parents telling me that I need to step up and take care of my mom. Don’t leave your mom alone. So there I am getting everything done taking care of family (boyfriend needed time to heal and ran with friends and didn’t come home for a week), mom ( one day one started giving away dad stuff), arrangements ( VA refused all paperwork cause I was not Dads next of kin, only mom could do that and she refused: so he didn’t get his military send off or his military headstone) and work (cause work wouldn’t let me off only for the day of the funeral). The day of the funeral I was greeting everyone, explaining what happen (a lot) hearing people I haven’t seen in years tell me they are here for me. Then changing pallbearer cause some didn’t show up. But the day was simple dad service was simple. It took some time but everything went good. After that things were blurry. I was smoking a lot of cigarettes then I noticed I was running out of breathe. So I quit. Then I was at work when it first happen. The feeling of doom washed over me, I couldn’t breathe. I started shaking and sweating. I had never in my life felt this. I called my mom scared. She told me it was a panic attack that I just needed to ride it out. From that time on it has continued… I’m scared to fall asleep cause it happens when I get in bed. I have a fan on cause it helps a lot but now it’s getting cold… I can’t have the fan on. I’m laying down fighting the difficult breathing. My boyfriend is getting frustrated with me. These panics are interfering with my life now. Today I was trying to explain myself to him. He started reading these things to me about grieving panic attacks and if I didn’t get help it would be permanent. As I listen to him I started thinking. Did I miss the opportunity to to cry and scream? I didn’t feel regret, me and dad we’re always talking even the day before everything happen. The day of the funeral I don’t recall crying until the very end when we lowered dad down. But just tears nothing dramatic. I knew dad was unhappy and now he didn’t have to be. Why I’m I having these attacks?? Why didn’t I spend days crying?? I visit dad and I talk to him. He was my hero. I never thought he would be gone this soon. He was part of my everyday life. But at the same time sometimes I forget he is gone. I will at random remember I have to make his headstone. Did I do something wrong in my grieving or did I even grieve? Can I fix me now or is it to late??

[Lory]

I think we all grief differently. Everyone copes with pain in different ways. There are different stages of grief and no specific order. Sometimes  when our loved one passes it’s surreal and than we start realizing they really are gone for good. I would say you did grieve and you still are. Covid restrictions at the hospital kept me away as well and it made things harder for me as well. I’ve been trying to get in with a psychologist who specializes in grief to help me with the process maybe that would help you too. It’s easier to speak to someone outside your circle. Maybe even a grief group. I’m signing up for one next week. I wish you well. I’m always here if you need someone to talk to or just listen.