I’m broken

[Hilaryland]

Hi all, I’m 35 and my 23 years old brother took his own life. We were really close. It feels like I’m dead too. I’m trying to be strong for my mum and dad but I’m struggling. I can’t eat, sleep or concentrate at work. On top of this my boyfriend broke up with me because it was too much for him. I feel useless and guilty.

[onedown]

I'm sorry Hilaryland. I know the feeling well, especially the bit about remaining strong for parents. My (I'm 24) brother (26) OD'd in February, and it took a while for me to realize that even though he didn't intend to die that night, the fact that he willingly rolled the dice over and over, almost dying multiple times, tells me he wanted out. If you're guilty then so am I, because I had no idea. I try and comfort myself with the knowledge that he died on his own terms... better than slowly wasting away of old age or disease. 

I threw myself into my study, my dad into his work, and my mum into her writing to escape the catatonia. Is there anything else you can focus on? Finding something new is good because it doesn't have sad associations - new songs, new books, new movies. 

I'm sorry again. There is never anything to say, I can only express solidarity. If you ever feel like talking, I'm free.