Jump to content

the horrible images wont stop


sadbeyondwords

Recommended Posts

  • Members
sadbeyondwords

It is almost 2 weeks since daddy died.

I cant get the images out of my head of him dying...him in the ER suffocating and the doctors and nurses doing nothing

I am helpless. I cant take it.

If I had started yelling in the ER, maybe they would have helped him

I knew that he needed help and they did nothign

he was suffocating and saying I cant breathe, help me and I waited for them to do somehting

they didnt

I cant get it out of my head

I see it over and over again

I should have yelled more...

my dad would be alive

oh daddy, i tried to protect you and let you down when you needed it

why didnt i yell more

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

It is almost 2 weeks since daddy died.

I cant get the images out of my head of him dying...him in the ER suffocating and the doctors and nurses doing nothing

I am helpless. I cant take it.

If I had started yelling in the ER, maybe they would have helped him

I knew that he needed help and they did nothign

he was suffocating and saying I cant breathe, help me and I waited for them to do somehting

they didnt

I cant get it out of my head

I see it over and over again

I should have yelled more...

my dad would be alive

oh daddy, i tried to protect you and let you down when you needed it

why didnt i yell more

I am so very sorry for your loss. I watched my father die, also, and the images were stuck in my head for the longest time. I am sure your trauma over the situation has made the whole situation a nightmare for you. There is not one thing you could have done. Had you yelled and screamed your head off, it more than likely would have only gotten you escorted from the ER if they were standing there watching. Please, do not feel guilty for anything you did. I can certainly understand your severe anger, and it seems as though someone could have said something about what was going on. It's just plain awful. Is this a situation where you should file a complaint to the authorities?

When you start to picture those terrible last moments, can you try to mentally encourage yourself to picture happier times? In the meantime, continue to talk about your feelings and cry as much as you want. We will be here for you.

ModKonnie

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

I know is hard and guilt is one of the first feelings after a relative's death. What's helped me is to think that we all are going one day. One way or another. You told them, you yelled they are responsible not you. They prob would've gotten aggravated and told you off.

Also, talking about as much as possible helps

I really hope you are swing this hospital, not for money but to hurt them where they care: their money and reputation.

You are not alone...

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
sadbeyondwords

thanks for reading and replying. the feeling of being alone is overwhelming. the feeling that nobody understands is also overwhelming. I feel like nobody else has gone through the same trauma, watching my dad die a horrible death and the guilt associated with the "what if I had done this", what if I had done that, he would be alive". I keep trying to rewrite history and make it so that he is sitting here with me with his adorable smile and his warm, tight hugs and his words " i love you". I cant believe I wont hear that again.....I continue to read through the threads. Unfortunately, I am not the only one who feels this way. Others have suffered horrible losses even though when we are suffering we can only feel that our loss is the biggest. not sure how to go along -how to not think of the horrible final moments of his suffering, the anger I have against the idiot doctors and nurses who did nothing (when so many other people get much better care (fortunately) ...but why not my dad?

thank you for listening. .....

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

My father was shot and killed in May, and I too faced the question "why him?" The only conclusion I came to was that I WILL NEVER KNOW. I will never understand why he left us that day. But I can accept that he is gone, because no matter how I feel about it, He is still gone. I could hate it, and that won't bring him back. My dad loved me, and I am sure your dad loved you and they would want us to move forward. I look at it as having a guardian angel and someday I will be reunited with him. You will drive yourself crazy living in the what if's. Should of, would of, could of.. need to leave your vocabulary and someday you will be in a place of acceptance. Acceptance doesnt mean you wont miss them it just means you know that it is what it is.

From one grieving person to the next.. God Bless You.

thanks for reading and replying. the feeling of being alone is overwhelming. the feeling that nobody understands is also overwhelming. I feel like nobody else has gone through the same trauma, watching my dad die a horrible death and the guilt associated with the "what if I had done this", what if I had done that, he would be alive". I keep trying to rewrite history and make it so that he is sitting here with me with his adorable smile and his warm, tight hugs and his words " i love you". I cant believe I wont hear that again.....I continue to read through the threads. Unfortunately, I am not the only one who feels this way. Others have suffered horrible losses even though when we are suffering we can only feel that our loss is the biggest. not sure how to go along -how to not think of the horrible final moments of his suffering, the anger I have against the idiot doctors and nurses who did nothing (when so many other people get much better care (fortunately) ...but why not my dad?

thank you for listening. .....

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
stillfighting431

I was there when my mom took her last breath.When mom developed chest congestion we took her to the best hospital in the state ,the second best in the country.She was in a private room in ICCU under constant supervision.She had been going into respiratory distress at night ,2 nights in a row,but she'd recovered after timely action of the doc. on night duty.On the morning of 24th july mom was very restless, her hearbeart wouldn't go down below 150.We complained to the senior doc.when he came around in the morning.He sent in a physiotherapist who left after spending just few minutes with her ,assuring us everything was fine.

Mom was on a semi-solid diet provided by the hospital.In the afternoon my sister was feeding her porridge,when suddenly mom couldn't breathe again.My sister ran into the main ICCU and asked for help.The attending doctor was a ponytailed,jean clad very abrasive young woman who told my sister not to worry,while she herself went about finishing her tea.Then came in a few minutes later & ordered an ECG,she explained because mom was sweating profusely,gasping for air and tachy,may be she's having a heart attack,all the while her blood oxygen saturation kept falling inspite of an oxygen mask.

We kept telling her that an ECG had already been done half an hour ago & her heart was fine ,she should just help her breathe,but we were brushed aside.Then the doc asked me if I gave her permission to intubate her & I yelled do what you can to save her. By the time mom was put was put on a stretcher & rolled into the main ICCU next door,she had already passed out.15 minutes later the senior doc. came in with the most sullen face imaginable & said she's on the respirator,but her BP is low & her chances of recovery are slim.I whole world collapsed,then & there.

When I visited mom the attending doc. told me that mom had cerebral hypoxia & had minimal brain function.There were many secretions in her throat, the food you gave her went into her windpipe,she added.My sister was horrified & asked her if she was implying the she(my sister) had killed her.The senior doc. then interceded with,"it was probably the sputum that her weak lungs were unable to cough out, well it was the end stage of a lower respiratory tract infection,we tried to prepare you for this but you weren't ready.she wouldn't have made it this far without your caring & hard work.4 hours later mom was gone.

If she was near death then why we're we told everyday that she was getting better.I still feel nobody took any timely action.She didn't have to die that day.I'm still haunted by those images.I could be in a store ,looking at a dress,but mentally I'm still in the ICCU room 302 standing by her bedside,watching her go into another respiratory distress episode,hearing her draw her last breath,watching her face turn white & pass out,the doc shouting get the stretcher,get her into the ICCU unit,we need to intubate her.It's keeps playing inside my head like a looping video driving me insane with grief,with a pain so sharp inside that I can't breathe.

.We are both angry,we feel cheated 'cause till the end we were given hope and told that she's getting better day by day.My sister is hurting even more than me.She was mom's nurse,incharge of her meds,physiotherapy & all other needs.She was her constant shadow,had dedicated her heart ,soul & all for the past 2 years to making her well again.Now that mom's gone she feels so lost.Everyday she cries her heart out.She tells me,she feels she didn't do enough.If she'd raised a hue & cry, yelled at the doc & told her take away the ECG machine & just stop mom from suffocating.She feels she lied to mom that she'll be fine,she let mom down.I can still see my sister standing by mom's bedside for hours at a time,stroking her hair & telling her everything is going to be okay,we'll be going home soon.I tell her it wasn't a lie 'cause that's what we were told & we truly believed it.

I'm know you did the best you could for your dad.The hospitals & doctors follow there own rules & procedures.I'm sure yelling wouldn't have helped.They would've just asked you to wait outside & let them do their job.What they did is horrible,but it was out of your hands.You were powerless once they took charge.It's their negligence that is to be blamed.You're not at fault.It's only been 2 weeks so you're still in shock,but in time you'll come to realise that & learn to forgive yourself, once you start processing your grief.It'll get better, although right now you can't imagine how.Just hold on, try to take it one day at a time & keep writing in.It really helps.I hope you feel better.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
sadbeyondwords

Stillfighting,

our situations are eerily similar. It is scary and sickening that this is allowed to happen...that the doctors dont take us seriously, that they dismiss us and then we are left with the aftermath our entire lives to dissect what WE did wrong...when it was their faults. thank you for sharing your story. You are suffering so much like me...it is so obvious and unfortunate. It angers me that we have had to go through this. You need to know that you and your sister are not to blame for anything. the idiot doctors with a G-d complex let us down. You and your sister were like angels for your mom and tried to do everything. I will think of you and your family and hope for the best and that these horrible feelings and images that you are left with will soften. i know what you are going through . I feel like it wont end. I know...I know exactly....

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
sadbeyondwords

My father was shot and killed in May, and I too faced the question "why him?" The only conclusion I came to was that I WILL NEVER KNOW. I will never understand why he left us that day. But I can accept that he is gone, because no matter how I feel about it, He is still gone. I could hate it, and that won't bring him back. My dad loved me, and I am sure your dad loved you and they would want us to move forward. I look at it as having a guardian angel and someday I will be reunited with him. You will drive yourself crazy living in the what if's. Should of, would of, could of.. need to leave your vocabulary and someday you will be in a place of acceptance. Acceptance doesnt mean you wont miss them it just means you know that it is what it is.

From one grieving person to the next.. God Bless You.

Browneyedgirl,

so sorry for your pain. thank your for writing. you are right-acceptance doesnt mean you wont miss them...it just means you know what it is...so true...it will be a long journey as we try to erase the words "what if, why him, would of , coudl of" from my vocabulary...a long journey....it is hard to see everyone else just living such wonderful lives and being happy and thinking about the upcoming holidays and I sit and struggle to get rid of my vocabulary and images from my head...I guess nobody promised us an easy life...

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
sadbeyondwords

I was there when my mom took her last breath.When mom developed chest congestion we took her to the best hospital in the state ,the second best in the country.She was in a private room in ICCU under constant supervision.She had been going into respiratory distress at night ,2 nights in a row,but she'd recovered after timely action of the doc. on night duty.On the morning of 24th july mom was very restless, her hearbeart wouldn't go down below 150.We complained to the senior doc.when he came around in the morning.He sent in a physiotherapist who left after spending just few minutes with her ,assuring us everything was fine.

Mom was on a semi-solid diet provided by the hospital.In the afternoon my sister was feeding her porridge,when suddenly mom couldn't breathe again.My sister ran into the main ICCU and asked for help.The attending doctor was a ponytailed,jean clad very abrasive young woman who told my sister not to worry,while she herself went about finishing her tea.Then came in a few minutes later & ordered an ECG,she explained because mom was sweating profusely,gasping for air and tachy,may be she's having a heart attack,all the while her blood oxygen saturation kept falling inspite of an oxygen mask.

We kept telling her that an ECG had already been done half an hour ago & her heart was fine ,she should just help her breathe,but we were brushed aside.Then the doc asked me if I gave her permission to intubate her & I yelled do what you can to save her. By the time mom was put was put on a stretcher & rolled into the main ICCU next door,she had already passed out.15 minutes later the senior doc. came in with the most sullen face imaginable & said she's on the respirator,but her BP is low & her chances of recovery are slim.I whole world collapsed,then & there.

When I visited mom the attending doc. told me that mom had cerebral hypoxia & had minimal brain function.There were many secretions in her throat, the food you gave her went into her windpipe,she added.My sister was horrified & asked her if she was implying the she(my sister) had killed her.The senior doc. then interceded with,"it was probably the sputum that her weak lungs were unable to cough out, well it was the end stage of a lower respiratory tract infection,we tried to prepare you for this but you weren't ready.she wouldn't have made it this far without your caring & hard work.4 hours later mom was gone.

If she was near death then why we're we told everyday that she was getting better.I still feel nobody took any timely action.She didn't have to die that day.I'm still haunted by those images.I could be in a store ,looking at a dress,but mentally I'm still in the ICCU room 302 standing by her bedside,watching her go into another respiratory distress episode,hearing her draw her last breath,watching her face turn white & pass out,the doc shouting get the stretcher,get her into the ICCU unit,we need to intubate her.It's keeps playing inside my head like a looping video driving me insane with grief,with a pain so sharp inside that I can't breathe.

.We are both angry,we feel cheated 'cause till the end we were given hope and told that she's getting better day by day.My sister is hurting even more than me.She was mom's nurse,incharge of her meds,physiotherapy & all other needs.She was her constant shadow,had dedicated her heart ,soul & all for the past 2 years to making her well again.Now that mom's gone she feels so lost.Everyday she cries her heart out.She tells me,she feels she didn't do enough.If she'd raised a hue & cry, yelled at the doc & told her take away the ECG machine & just stop mom from suffocating.She feels she lied to mom that she'll be fine,she let mom down.I can still see my sister standing by mom's bedside for hours at a time,stroking her hair & telling her everything is going to be okay,we'll be going home soon.I tell her it wasn't a lie 'cause that's what we were told & we truly believed it.

I'm know you did the best you could for your dad.The hospitals & doctors follow there own rules & procedures.I'm sure yelling wouldn't have helped.They would've just asked you to wait outside & let them do their job.What they did is horrible,but it was out of your hands.You were powerless once they took charge.It's their negligence that is to be blamed.You're not at fault.It's only been 2 weeks so you're still in shock,but in time you'll come to realise that & learn to forgive yourself, once you start processing your grief.It'll get better, although right now you can't imagine how.Just hold on, try to take it one day at a time & keep writing in.It really helps.I hope you feel better.

I cant stop re-reading your entry. I lost my mom 3 years ago...now my dad. I am an orphan. And the experience you had was so similar to mine...it is so hard to believe. you write so elogquently and express everything so clearly...bless you and your family

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
sadbeyondwords

I woke to horrible memories.

my dad was suffocating in the ER.

they do nothing but send around an idiot to place an IV while he is suffocating and begging someone to help him breathe

he was in pain as she is poking.

then they shove tylenol in his mouth while he is suffociating

why?

why?

they made a horirble situation worse

who does that

who causes more pain while someone is suffocating

who puts a pill in the mouth as someone is suffocating begging somone to help him breath

what the hell is wrong with these medical people

I cant believe he suffered so much and then they are shoving another IV in and nothing else

oh daddy, oh daddy, it was terrible

it was so not fair'

i cant stop thinking about these final images

they did ntohing

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

I was there when my mom took her last breath.When mom developed chest congestion we took her to the best hospital in the state ,the second best in the country.She was in a private room in ICCU under constant supervision.She had been going into respiratory distress at night ,2 nights in a row,but she'd recovered after timely action of the doc. on night duty.On the morning of 24th july mom was very restless, her hearbeart wouldn't go down below 150.We complained to the senior doc.when he came around in the morning.He sent in a physiotherapist who left after spending just few minutes with her ,assuring us everything was fine.

Mom was on a semi-solid diet provided by the hospital.In the afternoon my sister was feeding her porridge,when suddenly mom couldn't breathe again.My sister ran into the main ICCU and asked for help.The attending doctor was a ponytailed,jean clad very abrasive young woman who told my sister not to worry,while she herself went about finishing her tea.Then came in a few minutes later & ordered an ECG,she explained because mom was sweating profusely,gasping for air and tachy,may be she's having a heart attack,all the while her blood oxygen saturation kept falling inspite of an oxygen mask.

We kept telling her that an ECG had already been done half an hour ago & her heart was fine ,she should just help her breathe,but we were brushed aside.Then the doc asked me if I gave her permission to intubate her & I yelled do what you can to save her. By the time mom was put was put on a stretcher & rolled into the main ICCU next door,she had already passed out.15 minutes later the senior doc. came in with the most sullen face imaginable & said she's on the respirator,but her BP is low & her chances of recovery are slim.I whole world collapsed,then & there.

When I visited mom the attending doc. told me that mom had cerebral hypoxia & had minimal brain function.There were many secretions in her throat, the food you gave her went into her windpipe,she added.My sister was horrified & asked her if she was implying the she(my sister) had killed her.The senior doc. then interceded with,"it was probably the sputum that her weak lungs were unable to cough out, well it was the end stage of a lower respiratory tract infection,we tried to prepare you for this but you weren't ready.she wouldn't have made it this far without your caring & hard work.4 hours later mom was gone.

If she was near death then why we're we told everyday that she was getting better.I still feel nobody took any timely action.She didn't have to die that day.I'm still haunted by those images.I could be in a store ,looking at a dress,but mentally I'm still in the ICCU room 302 standing by her bedside,watching her go into another respiratory distress episode,hearing her draw her last breath,watching her face turn white & pass out,the doc shouting get the stretcher,get her into the ICCU unit,we need to intubate her.It's keeps playing inside my head like a looping video driving me insane with grief,with a pain so sharp inside that I can't breathe.

.We are both angry,we feel cheated 'cause till the end we were given hope and told that she's getting better day by day.My sister is hurting even more than me.She was mom's nurse,incharge of her meds,physiotherapy & all other needs.She was her constant shadow,had dedicated her heart ,soul & all for the past 2 years to making her well again.Now that mom's gone she feels so lost.Everyday she cries her heart out.She tells me,she feels she didn't do enough.If she'd raised a hue & cry, yelled at the doc & told her take away the ECG machine & just stop mom from suffocating.She feels she lied to mom that she'll be fine,she let mom down.I can still see my sister standing by mom's bedside for hours at a time,stroking her hair & telling her everything is going to be okay,we'll be going home soon.I tell her it wasn't a lie 'cause that's what we were told & we truly believed it.

I'm know you did the best you could for your dad.The hospitals & doctors follow there own rules & procedures.I'm sure yelling wouldn't have helped.They would've just asked you to wait outside & let them do their job.What they did is horrible,but it was out of your hands.You were powerless once they took charge.It's their negligence that is to be blamed.You're not at fault.It's only been 2 weeks so you're still in shock,but in time you'll come to realise that & learn to forgive yourself, once you start processing your grief.It'll get better, although right now you can't imagine how.Just hold on, try to take it one day at a time & keep writing in.It really helps.I hope you feel better.

I'm sorry about the loss of your mom, you and your sister did everything in your power. You should be in peace, she left this word surrounded by her loving daughters telling her that they love her. What else could you ask for. We are here only for a while, death is as natural process. We are leaving one way or another

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...

Important Information

This site uses cookies We have placed cookies on your device to help make this website better. You can adjust your cookie settings, otherwise we'll assume you're okay to continue. and uses these terms of services Terms of Use.