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Cancer took her too soon.


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My mother suffered in silence as cancer consumed her entire body, and when she called me on the Fourth of July to let me know she had been hospitalized it was too late. She hid her symptoms for months And for the symptoms that were noticed she refused to go to the doctor, because she lacked insurance. She firmly believed that there wasn’t a doctor that would be willing to help her because of her uninsured status. So we watched her quickly decline, and as she scrambled to try to find help as she realized that the cancer was going to take her she was placed in hospice at home, and the doctors had the audacity to tell her that for every day she was in the hospital she would need to be able to push through a week of recovery in at home hospice under the care of me and a nurse that stopped by for five minutes every few days. She firmly believed that if she could push through some recovery time at home and hospice that she would be strong enough to try to get a cancer treatment To elongate her life. The doctors knew that she would be dying soon, they filled her with false hope, and it made it very difficult for her to get her final affairs in order. In the end I was the only one trying to get things seen about before she passed, I was the one that had to tell my mother that she was never going to start to feel better, and that since she was only 45 I really needed her help to start getting things together. As a 29 year old she was going to be leaving me in charge of my three siblings one of which is still in high school and estranged from her father. Now she’s gone, and my siblings are all pushing away from each other instead of banding together, I’ve lost my mother, and because of that I’ve lost the other family members. Hoping that one day they will push past their grief and understand that I’m just trying to do the things that were left for me to do. No one was there to help us as she passed, And because of Covid the response time from the hospice team was very slow. When the time came for her to die she called me up to her room and let me know that she felt it was about to happen. She asked me to hold her hand so she wouldn’t be alone because she didn’t know how long it was going to take. I then sat with my mother and watched as she lost each of her faculties and became more and more scared. I could do nothing to help her or ease her pain. When the wild thrashing abated, and she has lost her ability to speak and see and move I had to stay with her for thirty more hours as she squeaked and slowly starved and finally died of thirst. Needless to say I am haunted and could not have prepared myself for that. Luckily as the oldest of four siblings I was the only one to witness the very worst parts, I was able to protect my siblings from the pain even though I couldn’t help my mom, so now I’m suffering a lot more than my siblings could ever understand and I honestly wouldn’t ever want them to know this pain. So for now it’s just me. They don’t get why I feel the need to be with them, and they very much want their space and have pushed me away when I’ve reached out for help. They are interested in getting their inheritance and going about their lives. My life stopped when my mother’s heart did. She was my mom and my dad, she was my best friend and my teacher. She was only 15 years older than me so a lot of times she was like my big sister that I didn’t have. She’s gone too soon and I feel like I am now too. 

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Hi I know what you mean my mom did not say anything about the bump on her groin area…. Until she slipped in the bathtub and cracked her ribs and my stepfather saw the bump and called me I told him to take her to the emergency room right away. It seems with elderly people they are afraid of the doctors something that goes back many years I know many elderly people who do not want to go to the doctor because they’re afraid or they don’t have the money etc.

I lost my mom on April 10, 2021…. She was diagnosed with cancer April 2019 she came to my home and I took care of her she did not do very well on chemo but finally she went on keyTruda and immunotherapy drug which she did very well on and we thought she was doing good…. Little did we know that she had hepatitis C and her liver was being damaged she fell from a very small bench in my room and broke her hip and that’s all it took for the decline to start to happen many complications with hepatitis causing liver damage water retention pain etc.

it’s only been five months and I am in tears writing this to you but we all need to help each other it’s devastating to lose a parent.

she came on hospice April 6 I took care of her until she died on April 10 5:20 PM those few days were the most difficult time in my whole The images of her haunt me to this day but I try to think of the happy times that we had and the blessings that God gave us during the time she live with me we shared some good times together

i’m sorry that you are going through what you are feeling I find what helps me is I have a picture of my mother in the place where she used to sit every morning in her room and I talk to her in the mornings that I talk to her at night and sometimes during the day. 

I tell her about my day I tell her that I miss her I tell her I love her I talk about the memories we shared together and then I tell her mom I need to go now I have things to do but I’ll be back to talk to you this seems to help some. 

no matter what they’re always be those holes in our hearts but we must know that our parents would want us to Move on and be happy find joy in life and count our blessings. try not to think of the sad things I know it’s hard but try not to get stuck in that place visit it but then move or think of happy things keep busy I know that your parents are watching you and I hope that you enjoy your life as they would want you to because they loved you and still love you!!! 
 

I am still grieving I am still processing I’m still trying to figure things out but I do know that if we get stuck in the grief we will hurt ourselves mentally and physically and that’s not something that our parents would want us to do.  our health is very important to us I pray for you I pray for me that things will start to get better and the pain will become less and the happy memories will be stay in our minds more than the sad ones.

Big hug = god bless = take care 

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My mother had been losing weight throughout 2020. She hated doctors but finally was checked for leukemia. Took months but nothing. In July 2021 a mass was found. She had a biopsy and was scheduled for another biopsy when she went to ER struggling to breathe.  Two weeks in the hospital and 8 days in hospice & she was gone.  She didn’t seem to know her cancer was serious. She wasn’t even sure she had it according to her texts. The last dr she visited said she had stage 4.  That visit was 5 days before she went to the ER. I wonder if she knew and kept quiet or she really didn’t know. 

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I’m so sorry you went through all the ups and downs the hospital  & hospice. 
 

I have two brothers but they could not deal with it I was the one that dealt with her cancer her care her death. my mom knew she had the bump on her groin  area….. but she kept it from everyone she put some heating patches on it hoping it would go away. 
 

I think in the beginning she was in denial and not being very knowledgeable about medical stuff she was Japanese and English was her second language so she really didn’t watch American TV and read about the health issues etc. but later as the bump got bigger I think she knew something was wrong but she was afraid to go to the doctor

 

In the past years I would tell her I would give her $1000 if she would go get a check up and she told me know that she was afraid of doctors because if you go to the doctor then you’ll probably die from something.

yes we should go in immediately when something isn’t right when we find something new on her body it’s best to face it before it gets worse. However our mothers had a different frame of mind and we are not responsible for that I know it still hurts the what if’s …etc.

but this was the plan that God had installed for them and they are with him now and heavenly heaven with no pain

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Thank you for sharing your stories with me. I talk to her every day, her ashes are here with me, and each day that she remains inside of the box haunts me. I’m currently struggling with executing her estate, and I may end up in a financial bind instead of inheriting anything due to the laws here in Texas. I don’t know if I can afford a trip to go and spread her ashes anymore, and it’s killing me. She was so young, just 45, she deserves to get to go to at least one beautiful spot even if it’s just to have her ashes spread there. Going through her possessions feels wrong, as if I’m robbing her. Her life wasn’t over, she didn’t prepare because no 45 year old woman should be getting her final affairs in order. I don’t know how to proceed, and I have very little support besides my husband and I’ve been trying desperately to not over burden him with my grief because he is grieving this loss deeply as well. Covid is both serious and being treated as a joke here where I live so I’m not comfortable going to physical support groups, so I truly appreciate those of you that took the time to respond to me. 

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Parker McIlwain

I lost my mom to cancer on May 9th, 2021. Cancer took her WAY too soon. I miss her every day. This is SO hard.

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On 9/27/2021 at 10:47 AM, DisplayName said:

My mother suffered in silence as cancer consumed her entire body, and when she called me on the Fourth of July to let me know she had been hospitalized it was too late. She hid her symptoms for months And for the symptoms that were noticed she refused to go to the doctor, because she lacked insurance. She firmly believed that there wasn’t a doctor that would be willing to help her because of her uninsured status. So we watched her quickly decline, and as she scrambled to try to find help as she realized that the cancer was going to take her she was placed in hospice at home, and the doctors had the audacity to tell her that for every day she was in the hospital she would need to be able to push through a week of recovery in at home hospice under the care of me and a nurse that stopped by for five minutes every few days. She firmly believed that if she could push through some recovery time at home and hospice that she would be strong enough to try to get a cancer treatment To elongate her life. The doctors knew that she would be dying soon, they filled her with false hope, and it made it very difficult for her to get her final affairs in order. In the end I was the only one trying to get things seen about before she passed, I was the one that had to tell my mother that she was never going to start to feel better, and that since she was only 45 I really needed her help to start getting things together. As a 29 year old she was going to be leaving me in charge of my three siblings one of which is still in high school and estranged from her father. Now she’s gone, and my siblings are all pushing away from each other instead of banding together, I’ve lost my mother, and because of that I’ve lost the other family members. Hoping that one day they will push past their grief and understand that I’m just trying to do the things that were left for me to do. No one was there to help us as she passed, And because of Covid the response time from the hospice team was very slow. When the time came for her to die she called me up to her room and let me know that she felt it was about to happen. She asked me to hold her hand so she wouldn’t be alone because she didn’t know how long it was going to take. I then sat with my mother and watched as she lost each of her faculties and became more and more scared. I could do nothing to help her or ease her pain. When the wild thrashing abated, and she has lost her ability to speak and see and move I had to stay with her for thirty more hours as she squeaked and slowly starved and finally died of thirst. Needless to say I am haunted and could not have prepared myself for that. Luckily as the oldest of four siblings I was the only one to witness the very worst parts, I was able to protect my siblings from the pain even though I couldn’t help my mom, so now I’m suffering a lot more than my siblings could ever understand and I honestly wouldn’t ever want them to know this pain. So for now it’s just me. They don’t get why I feel the need to be with them, and they very much want their space and have pushed me away when I’ve reached out for help. They are interested in getting their inheritance and going about their lives. My life stopped when my mother’s heart did. She was my mom and my dad, she was my best friend and my teacher. She was only 15 years older than me so a lot of times she was like my big sister that I didn’t have. She’s gone too soon and I feel like I am now too. 

Parker I KNOW THE FEELING I JUST LOST MY MOTHER MARCH 14TH OF CANCER IT WAS A BATTLE ALMOST 2 YRS NOW BUT I AM THE OLDEST AND IT DOES SEEM YOUR WORLD STOPS WHEN YOU LOOSE YOUR PARENTS. NO ADVICE GETTING WHEN YOU NEED ANSWERS TO QUESTIONS WE CANT ANSWER OUR SELF . IT WAS PAINFUL WATCHING MY MOTHER SLIP AWAY. AFTER SHE PASSED THERE WERE NO MORE OF SIBLINGS EVERYONE WENT THERE OWN WAY . BEFORE MY MOTHER PASSED I SAID TO HER A DAY BEFORE THAT THIS WASNT EASY AND IT WASNT GONNA BE EASY THROUGH THIS PROCESS . SHE REPLIED TO ME i know . HOW do you cope with doing everything because of me being the oldest how do you try to meet a parents dying wish by getting her kids by to stick together or DOES THAT NEver happen i try so hard . any suggestions or do i just give up because theres no use. was her dying wish n i want to fulfill it . So i know ur feeling .

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