I’m lost without my mom

[Sarahismymom]

The past few months I’ve posted in Reddit, Facebook, and anywhere else where I think someone will listen this year has been a nightmare.  I’ll babble quite a bit so bear with me  

My 75 yr old mom passed away 9/21/21 from lung cancer, I guess. This all feels so wrong. Mom smoked 50 yrs until 2020. She quit suddenly with no effort at all. She’d been mostly healthy all her life. About 3 years ago her dr prescribed an inhaler. I asked mom did the dr look at her lungs and she said no. “I don’t want to know “ she said. That unfortunately was my mom. She avoided hospital visits. The idea terrified her. In 2020 COVID hit & mom got sick. I suggested she may have the virus but she said she didn’t think so. By spring, she’d starting losing weight and complaining about food tasting differently. She was checked for leukemia which took months but that wasn’t it. 
 

By fall she was around 90 lbs. Wouldn’t go to the dr.  She got weaker & weaker but continued to work. She started finally having scans done of her lungs. In July, a mass was found and what looked like pneumonia. She had a biopsy in August and met with the dr on August 25th. They weren’t sure what type of cancer she had but the mass was small. She was having trouble breathing though and went to ER on August 31. I wasn’t worried. She looked tired but I had faith she would be home in no time. She was given Xanax because she panics some. That pretty much wiped her out. One day later, her heart rate jumped dramatically and she was moved to a floor for more serious cases. I’m worried but still confident the hospital will help her. 
 

She remained weak the rest of the week and was resistant to the idea of feeding tubes. After 5 days, the dr said she was stubborn but he also wasn’t seeing improvement. We need to think of what our next step is. Now I’m worried. After less than a week they were talking hospice.  The hospital was overwhelmed with COVID patients so I wondered if they just wanted the bed. By 2nd week she’s on a bipap machine and they’re saying her lungs are too weak to breathe well on their own. A 2nd dr said they couldn’t continue to care for her. We took her to hospice in week 3. I’m stunned. 
 

Away from the hospital, mom seemed better. She spoke & ate some. By the end of the week, she’d weakened and had been given doses of morphine. Remember when we started, I figured she’d be home in a few days. I sat with her after being given morphine and listened to her say “God help me. Help me go home. Please help me. “  No one should hear their mom say those things. Her vital signs were strong and she seemed to be fighting so I looked for a way to get her examined again. Unfortunately, she passed at the beginning of week 4.  I was told she had stage 4 cancer. Did she know and not tell me?  Maybe. So I have no idea what really happened. 

I’m single. No kids. I live near my mom. We spoke every single day. There’s no one else I’ve shared my life with. I was not  prepared at all for this. I can’t believe she’s gone. She was still working a month ago!  I don’t know what to do. All day I see things I want to tell her but she’s gone. I’ve never been this alone. It’s hard to get up right now. She was my life. I just am lost. I just wanted to share.  

[silverkitties]

Sarahismymom, I’m giving you a big hug. I know how hard it is being an only daughter and losing a mom. No matter how long you are prepared for her passing, it still comes as a huge shock.

My mom died of bile duct cancer in October 2014. It came very suddenly; up until April of that year, she looked very healthy. Then she had a stroke, followed two months later by a cancer diagnosis. You can read about it in my substack blog, where I discuss her illness, death, and my grief. (See my thread below about the blog; for some reason, I can’t paste the link.)

That the first year was difficult would be an understatement. I was stuck with a father whom I’d never gotten along with, professional strains, and a book to write—which was already overdue. 

The only thing that kept me sane was posting here, where many seemed to understand my plight. We comforted one another.  I am still friends with my “grief mates” here even though 6 years have already passed since I first posted here. 
 

So do feel free to post here. You may not get an immediate response, but people will eventually answer. 

[Sarahismymom]

I hope mom hears me sometimes. Not all the time but when I really need to talk I hope she hears me. That’s the only thing that makes my days bearable. I miss her so much. 
 

I got a heart shaped balloon today and wrote a few things on it. Then I turned it loose. May seem silly but it made me feel good. I hope she saw it. I so need to be connected to her. 

[Sarahismymom]

I had a cat named Smoke. He was born under my porch. I found homes for his sibling and kept him.  He snuck out of the house one day years ago. I found him living at a house one street over. Then one day he came back. We did this over and over. He’d stay with me and then stay with a sweet lady nearby.  Sometimes he came back & had a cold. I tried hard to keep him inside and make him healthy.  He seemed pretty happy. 
 

With my mom’s illness I didn’t pay quite as much attention to him and he snuck out in may of 2021. Went back to the same lady. I was glad she looked after him. Yesterday, he showed up and was clearly sick. I brought him inside and made an area for him to sleep. He got up and got next to me.   I woke up and he’d passed away. Absolute Angel of a cat and my buddy. 
 

Why post this here?  I realized with mom gone, I have no one to talk to. Absolutely no one.  I’ve never been in this position before. I liked being by myself but always had mom.  There are moments I actually feel afraid. 

[silverkitties]

I am so sorry to hear this. What a beautiful boy he was. It looks like he wanted to give you one final farewell before passing. 
I have 2 senior kitties right now; both are 13 years old. I know I am going to be devastated when I lose them in coming years. God knows it was hard enough to lose  my second kitty who was the sweetest fellow ever. Had him for 16 years and the 5 months after his passing were completely miserable, probably because I felt guilty: maybe if we hadn’t moved, he would still be alive. The only thing preventing me from feeling completely hopeless was that I was getting two cats descended from his line: I felt I owed him that much. 
And my mom was still alive then too. I recall when I lost my previous cat, Mom was in .Taiwan. That loneliness and grief, especially in that first week, felt so overwhelming. 
This is the second kitty, Sir Fopling Flutter. 

 

[Sarahismymom]

Beautiful fluffy cat. I don’t think I’ve ever had a solid white one before. 
 

This a lot of grief to deal with all at once. I feel afraid. It’s like I don’t know what to do. I don’t have any dreams. My dream would be sitting in my couch with my mother. I can’t imagine life like this. 

[silverkitties]

I feel it too and am dreading the day(s) when my present two pass. It’s particularly scary considering that im in my late 50s. If I get more cats, will I outlive them? What happens if I go to assisted living which doesn’t allow pets? 
Right now, my two are probably the only reason why I haven’t offed myself.  I appreciate their furry love. There’s nothing better than reading or writing in bed with the two around me. I have no idea where they’d go if I died since all of my relatives are dog people.

The baby pictured is a shaded silver—as are my current two. Shadeds are white cats with a black tipping. They always have green eyes, as opposed to copper or blue. 

 

[Sarahismymom]

Without mom, eating is just putting food into my stomach to stay alive. Saturday might as well be Tuesday. Day might as well be night. She gave my life so much meaning. She gave it some structure. Now I’m just passing time. 
 

I had a counseling session the other day. It was an uplifting experience. I genuinely appreciated it. 

[Sarahismymom]

There’s an isolated part of the building I work in that has steps that lead to a storage area. A few times a day I go here to talk to my mom. I usually wait until 9:30am or 10 because she didn’t like to get up early.   I stand at the bottom of the steps and say something like,  “Good morning mommy. Hope you had a good day yesterday. Here’s what I need to do today. Gosh I miss you so much. If you want to talk to me feel free to anytime.  I wish you were here right now.  I won’t keep you but hope you have a good day in heaven.  Say hi to the dogs and cats for me. I love you all. “
 

That may seem silly to some but it makes me feel a bit better.   I wish she would answer more than anything. 

[ESM]

On 10/16/2021 at 5:30 PM, Sarahismymom said:

Without mom, eating is just putting food into my stomach to stay alive. Saturday might as well be Tuesday. Day might as well be night. She gave my life so much meaning. She gave it some structure. Now I’m just passing time. 

I know exactly what you mean. I feel like a wandering shadow. My Mom passed 2 days ago, her acute leukemia was diagnosed about 6 weeks ago. In that time I've lost 21 pounds and look like a toothpick. The worst part is waking up, and realizing there will no part of the day where I will interact with my Mom. Ever again. It just fills me with a level of horror that can not be described. I'm a 51 year old man, yet all my life it was mostly me and my Mom. I honestly don't know how to ever exist without pure horror just enveloping me.

[RChinna]

I understand what you are going through. It is like losing an anchor in life. Realising that there wont be another day when she will call just to check on me, or get up at 2 AM in the morning just to wish me a happy journey for an early morning flight, or just being there for me when I need to crib, the gaping hole in life is just physically painful. There is no scenario I can play in my head where any of this makes any sense. I am just trying to remain sane for my son who deserves to have a sane mother. 

[Flif]

I am very sorry for your loss. I lost my Mom 6 months ago. I am an only child and my Dad passed away when I was 12. My Mom was and remains my best friend, we shared everything and I micc her so much, so I completely understand how you feel. I have no children of my own and I loved taking care of my Mom. But I do know for sure that she (as your Mom as well, I believe) would not want me to stop living, loving and appreciating life. She was so happy when I travelled, when I got my Phd, when we went for a walk, when I baked and cooked for her. I am sure you have tons of wonderful memories as well. They are alive and she lives inside those memories. And in your heart. 

Hugs.

[Angelwings2]

I’m sorry for your loss. I just lost my mom last Thursday Nov 11th and I feel completely lost and numb, I can’t seem to stop calling her phone to hear her voicemail greeting and listening to the voicemails she left me just to hear her voice. She was in and out of the hospital and nursing home since the first week of August and with covid protocols at the nursing home and me getting sick with covid I haven’t seen her since the first week of Oct until she was in the hospital unresponsive and on a ventilator due to going into cardiac arrest on Nov 7th. And it doesn’t seem silly talking to your mom, if it makes you feel better then that’s all that matters. Sending you thoughts and hugs 

[Sarahismymom]

I’m so very sorry. It makes everything worse that you weren’t able to see your mom since October.  Not being able to talk or see them makes you feel unbelievably cheated. 

[Angelwings2]

Thank you and yes it most certainly does 

[Missingyoualway]

Hi there, 

My mum passed away suddenly on 8th of November. I don’t really know what to write here other than I feel absolutely lost and broken. She left behind a devoted husband, 3 children and lots of grandkids, so when I read these posts I feel incredibly grateful that we  all have each other. However it still makes me feel so alone and I don’t know why. Together we all put a face on, leaving my mum and dads house, I cry all the way home.  I feel pressure from work now that she is buried that I should be looking to go back, but I cannot even consider being able to focus on anything other than my family.  I have no idea what I am doing and feel absolutely useless.  Reading the posts above make me feel a little better as they give me comfort that other people feel like this.  I just don’t know how you ever come to terms not being able to talk to her once more or kiss and cuddle her.  I keep smelling her clothes as I feel closer to her, but that smell will go soon and I am scared of that.

[ADM925]

On 11/21/2021 at 5:09 AM, Missingyoualway said:

Hi there, 

My mum passed away suddenly on 8th of November. I don’t really know what to write here other than I feel absolutely lost and broken.  I have no idea what I am doing and feel absolutely useless.  Reading the posts above make me feel a little better as they give me comfort that other people feel like this.  I just don’t know how you ever come to terms not being able to talk to her once more or kiss and cuddle her.  I keep smelling her clothes as I feel closer to her, but that smell will go soon and I am scared of that.

My father passed very suddenly and totally unexpectedly on 4/7/2000 and the shock has never really gone away.  It was only Mom and me since then (I am 60, never left home and inseparable from my mom, have no one else I am close to at all) so when I lost her on 7/17/21 my entire world fell apart and continues to do so more and more each dreaded, terrifying day.  The extreme fear and panic from being alone 24/7 and unable to run to her are indescribable and get worse all the time.  I constantly relive all the details of the 8 1/2 month ordeal that took her away from me.  Mom was my sole refuge in the world, and I can't begin to explain the claustrophobic fright I feel day and night (trying to sleep is the worst of all) as I move about the empty house (which I am now being put under enormous pressure by family, neighbors, and acquaintances to sell immediately). 

I hope having others with you helps, but if you are at all like me no one else could possibly fill the void and never will.  As a former employer told me, there could be 100 people in the room with you, but without your mother you will still feel alone (very true).   Maybe there are some people in this world who just can't survive without each other.  There is a terrible sense of isolation and of utter emptiness and increasing hopelessness - how do you live without the sole person in the world who is the source of whatever joy, peace, and serenity you can find, the only one who can stop your pain, fear, and panic and heal your heartbreak?  I wish I knew and could be of more help.  Best wishes to you.                 

[ESM]

53 minutes ago, ADM925 said:

Maybe there are some people in this world who just can't survive without each other.  There is a terrible sense of isolation and of utter emptiness and increasing hopelessness - how do you live without the sole person in the world who is the source of whatever joy, peace, and serenity you can find, the only one who can stop your pain, fear, and panic and heal your heartbreak?  I wish I knew and could be of more help. 

I feel the same exact way. I had a bond with my Mom that was just a level of closeness that I can not explain. Each day I continue to feel worse and worse. I totally understand your feelings. I hope somehow things get better for you.

[RChinna]

My mom was my source of strength, my outlet and my rock. Without her, it is like learning to live again at 37. Except now I dont have her to guide me. I feel so lost somedays. 

[ADM925]

On 12/6/2021 at 12:58 PM, RChinna said:

My mom was my source of strength, my outlet and my rock.

Exactly the same for me. It's been just Mom and me since 2000 when we lost my dad shockingly.  I'm 60, not close at all to anyone else, and now feel totally, frighteningly alone.  I have lived with my mother all my life, and for the last 21 years she has been my sole confidant and refuge.  Dining out together was our favorite pastime, and even after she could no longer leave home we would order in or I would cook (her tracheostomy put a nightmare end to that joy).  Mom's absence is an agony which gets worse by the minute (it's been almost 5 months).  I get more panicky all the time, pace the floors, and can barely eat or sleep (the worst).  Almost as soon as I close my eyes a wave of sheer terror and despair comes over me.  It's as if the entire 8 1/2 months she was ill was replaying all at once, followed by the shock of being alone in the empty house, and a massive dread of the future and all its additional horrors.  This truly feels like being in Hell and I wonder how much more of it I can take.  Best wishes during these awful times.                .     

[Sarahismymom]

Dinner with my mom was a big thing for me too. I’m 51 and also not close to anyone. Eating is so empty now. 
 

What scares me now how much this impacts things I’ve always enjoyed. I never minded being alone because I have so many hobbies. However, they were hobbies I shared with my mom. I’d paint something & show her. I’d hear a great album & share it with her. I’d see a an old movie & tell her. Now I don’t know what to do. Enjoying things without sharing with her is tough. I liked to see her her enjoy something. I’d watch a movie and couldn’t wait to watch it with her so I’d see her reaction to a good part.   I enjoyed because she enjoyed.  Now everything is empty. 

[ESM]

7 hours ago, Sarahismymom said:

Dinner with my mom was a big thing for me too. I’m 51 and also not close to anyone. Eating is so empty now. 
 

What scares me now how much this impacts things I’ve always enjoyed. I never minded being alone because I have so many hobbies. However, they were hobbies I shared with my mom. I’d paint something & show her. I’d hear a great album & share it with her. I’d see a an old movie & tell her. Now I don’t know what to do. Enjoying things without sharing with her is tough. I liked to see her her enjoy something. I’d watch a movie and couldn’t wait to watch it with her so I’d see her reaction to a good part.   I enjoyed because she enjoyed.  Now everything is empty. 

Wow. This really hits home. Yes dinner was a big thing with me and my mother as well. In fact in the last couple of years it stretched out into an almost 3-hour event. I would begin helping prepare dinner around 8 p.m. We would probably finish up around 9:45 then I might show her some funny videos on YouTube, and then I would straighten the kitchen and do the dishes. The time everything was done three hours had elapsed.

Now I can't bring myself to even start preparing dinner. The lack of her presence just brings me to hysterics.

Same thing with the Hobbies I used to enjoy. I'm a bit of a News Junkie. But the vast majority of the time anything I found interesting was always made more impactful to me because I would share it with my mom after I read it. Now I really don't care at all about current events.

If I saw a funny film it was made more enjoyable because of the thought that I would see her laugh after I showed her the parts I thought was funny. Now I really don't care about watching anything.

I know exactly what you mean when you say everything is empty now. I wish I had an answer for how to get over this but I don't.

[Crystal Nicole]

I’m so sorry for your loss. I lost my mom suddenly to COVID last Tuesday. She was fine on Wednesday and gone 6 days later. It happened at home and she kept telling me she was fine and getting better. I’m not sure if she was lying to protect me or she really was getting better. I’ll probably never know what happened. 
it’s so hard to feel alone. I have kids and a husband but they don’t know what it feels like (nor do I ever want them to). I wake up everyday feeling alone and broken. Having to go on and take care of the kids and the house just leaves me feeling empty. I cry myself to sleep and cry a little more when I wake up. Then I try to hold it in all day for my kids. 
im an only child and my mom raised me pretty much alone. She was my best friend. I’m constantly wishing I had done more, made her go to the Dr. Checked on her more. I’m not sure I have much advice for you but I wanted to reach out and let you know that you are not alone. 

[ADM925]

On 12/10/2021 at 6:14 PM, Crystal Nicole said:

I lost my mom suddenly to COVID last Tuesday. She was fine on Wednesday and gone 6 days later.

Very sorry to hear about this terrible shock.  My mom and I lost my father in 2000 during what was supposed to be a controlled medical situation.  We went to visit him in the orthopedic rehab 4 days after an elective surgery and they took us into a little room and told us "There's been a setback".  I thought he might have had a stroke until one of them said "He has no pulse and he's not breathing". Dad had a serious heart disease he was never told about.  Together Mom and I somehow survived.  Since Mom left me on 7/17 of this year I have been descending into a greater hell by the minute because I am 60, never left home, terribly frightened (with separation anxiety since age 5 to begin with) and close to absolutely no one in the now-nightmare world.    

On 12/10/2021 at 6:14 PM, Crystal Nicole said:

I'm an only child and my mom . . . was my best friend. I’m constantly wishing I had done more, made her go to the Dr. Checked on her more.

The same for me, only child with Mom my best and only true friend and source of joy and love, plus sole refuge and comfort in fear and trouble.  And I should have called the ambulance sooner than I did,  This will never stop haunting me.  It's almost 5 months and gets worse all the time to the point of a 24/7 panic with having to sleep being the worst of all (horrific flashbacks and heart-wrenching dreams about our 8 1/2 month heartbreaking ordeal, with a 3-month separation because of the covid).  I hope having others around helps you, but even if I had someone else here I don't think it would help because I was Mom's caregiver and she was my entire world, which has now fallen apart.  Still difficult to believe this is even happening

[ESM]

1 hour ago, ADM925 said:

This will never stop haunting me.  It's almost 5 months and gets worse all the time to the point of a 24/7 panic with having to sleep being the worst of all (horrific flashbacks and heart-wrenching dreams about our 8 1/2 month heartbreaking ordeal, with a 3-month separation because of the covid).  I hope having others around helps you, but even if I had someone else here I don't think it would help because I was Mom's caregiver and she was my entire world, which has now fallen apart.  Still difficult to believe this is even happening

So sorry. I know exactly what you mean about 24/7 panic. Tonight I was in total freefall emotionally and mentally feeling the absolute emptiness of the house subsume me. The lack of my mother's presence was just haunting me all evening. For whatever reason tonight might have been one of the worst nights ever even though she passed a little over a month ago right now.

Then on top of that I decided to do a job search online since I need to find a job pretty soon. That as usual doesn't go very well. And that starts to induce another panic attack in me. So I'm panicking about my mom not being here, and I'm panicking about not being able to find a job. I really feel like smashing my head against the wall today.

I know exactly what you mean though. I really do feel as though I'm in some kind of never-ending nightmare. Some kind of Perpetual darkness. And there's just no end to it. I only hope somehow, some wa,y things get better for you, for me, and for everyone on this board.

[ADM925]

1 hour ago, ESM said:

The lack of my mother's presence was just haunting me all evening. For whatever reason tonight might have been one of the worst nights ever even though she passed a little over a month ago right now.

Nearly 5 months and I'm worse by the minute, paralyzed with ever-increasing shock, fear, and incomprehension.  The longer the separation, the more unbearable and terrifying it becomes.  Some of the people haranguing me about "moving forward", "facing the future", and "looking ahead" still have both parents and can reach them with the touch of a few buttons.  How can they possibly understand the immeasurable trauma of being cut off completely from the center (and entirety) of my world after 60 years?  I got hysterical over the phone with one of them today when she told me I'd have to throw everything into a dumpster and sell the house right away.  Looking ahead is exactly what is unhinging me - facing the possibility of endless trauma, upheaval, and a seeming eternity of being without the one person that I need to have with me in order to survive at all in this world which I fear and loathe. Someone even said to me "Your mother isn't here anymore", as if I actually needed to hear this.  All human contact is now a pure horror as it does nothing but reinforce the brutal loss and the sickening contrast to the wonderful comfort, love, peace, and joy I knew for so long.  How do they expect me to go on without those things?  

1 hour ago, ESM said:

I really do feel as though I'm in some kind of never-ending nightmare. Some kind of Perpetual darkness. And there's just no end to it.

 A very big part of the nightmare/darkness/heartbreak is that Mom wasn't quite herself after her 4-minute cardiac arrest.  She was bedridden at home, but we could communicate pretty well for the first 4 1/2 months.  I once had to go out to pick up a prescription for her and told her how much I hated to leave and be away from her, but that I would be right back.  Her response was "I'll go with you.  I can walk".  I can't count how many times I've paced the floors hysterically weeping and repeating what she said in a heartbroken panic, and that is just one incident (I keep a book with a long list of others).  The visiting nurses who chased me away when they were working on her laughed when Mom got nervous and would frantically ask "Where's my son? Where's my son?".  She must have remembered how we would usually go for a drive after dining out, and once said to me "I want to go for a ride with you".  There are many others.  When Mom was in the nursing home for 5 weeks (no visiting allowed) I had to watch her over that skype thing bursting into tears and flailing her fists in a panic at her attendants. I truly thought I was going to leave her at that moment.  Sorry to go on and on but this is destroying me and will never cease to do so.  There are no words to adequately express the dread and terror I feel when contemplating the remainder of my life.  Hope you and all others here can do better.                

[ESM]

21 hours ago, ADM925 said:

Nearly 5 months and I'm worse by the minute, paralyzed with ever-increasing shock, fear, and incomprehension.  The longer the separation, the more unbearable and terrifying it becomes.  Some of the people haranguing me about "moving forward", "facing the future", and "looking ahead" still have both parents and can reach them with the touch of a few buttons.  How can they possibly understand the immeasurable trauma of being cut off completely from the center (and entirety) of my world after 60 years? 

I feel like I could be reading my own thoughts. I relate to every word you said. Just like you, my Mom was my universe, my life, the one person that mad life bearable. Without her I just don't know how to  make it. I hope you as well as I find some peace somehow. Though that seems impossible.

[ADM925]

Searching Facebook tonight I discovered four short videos of Mom's 90th Birthday party (6/28/20) which I didn't know (or had forgotten) existed.  I'm not a photographer or videographer so I have nothing like this, which I deeply regret.  When the bawling and hysteria finally subsided I was able to watch and listen.  It's hard to measure or even describe the heartrending effect of seeing my mother well and happy again, hearing her voice, seeing her smile, laugh, and cry - almost surreal.  She was a very kind, loving, sensitive, and gentle woman who was deeply touched by both the party and the drive-by parade that was arranged.  I've been watching the videos over and over.  And while I'm grateful to have them of course, seeing Mom again has caused an even more immense pain, heartbreak, loneliness, and agony of separation than I had before - unearthly in a way.  The contrast between that happy day and the last 5 months is very disconcerting and unnerving and makes me dread and abhor (and want to escape) where I am now more than ever.     

[Sarahismymom]

It’s New Year’s Eve.  I never dreamed I’d be in the situation I’m in. If you talked to me and mom last year at this time, there’s no way we thought she’d be gone. 
 

 

[ESM]

1 hour ago, Sarahismymom said:

It’s New Year’s Eve.  I never dreamed I’d be in the situation I’m in. If you talked to me and mom last year at this time, there’s no way we thought she’d be gone. 

Same here. Just last Christmas I had put the Christmas Tree up really early. The very next day it was as if a professional decorator had decorated it. My Mom was 85 and yet she was able to decorate the tree from the very top to the very bottom. She moved and looked as if she were 20 years younger. The thought that that was going to be our last Christmas together would have seemed unfathomable. I honestly don't know how I've made it this far without her. I feel in constant panic. With it being New Years I'm just falling apart today. I hope every one somehow can find a little peace in the New Year.

[Kathb]

This is so me too. I lost my mum on 11th December 2021 and whilst Christmas and my Birthday on 26th December was bad enough. It’s just getting worse. New year has been a nightmare and I just haven’t been able to stop crying the last new days (especially at night) as just can’t sleep. My mum was my everything and the prospect of a future where she isn’t there is so overwhelming. Before all this happened I was such a positive and happy person so content with life with my mum and now she’s just gone. I wouldn’t want her to be suffering but I miss her so much and don’t know how to deal with a world without her.

Kath  

[ADM925]

10 hours ago, Sarahismymom said:

It’s New Year’s Eve.  I never dreamed I’d be in the situation I’m in. If you talked to me and mom last year at this time, there’s no way we thought she’d be gone. 

2019 was our last together because the nursing home wouldn't allow me to see her in 2020.  But she came home and I thought we would have 2021.  I have a constant feeling of increasing terror and desperation that only my mother could free me of, nobody else.

1 hour ago, Kathb said:

I wouldn’t want her to be suffering but I miss her so much and don’t know how to deal with a world without her.

I'm told she was tired and didn't want to be here anymore.  But I know that knowing me so well her worst fear would be for me to be without her in a hostile, frightening, lonely, empty world, which is exactly what it is now.  And I feel I could have done more to help her, which is as unbearable as being here without her is.  I can't even think anymore, just want to run and have nowhere to run because my sole refuge is gone

 

[Kathb]

This really hit home as whilst I didn’t want mum to suffer and was told she was really sick. I know deep down that my mum was a fighter and she wouldn’t have wanted to leave me alone. I just hope this does get easier in time, I know things will never me the same and I’ll always miss her. I just seem to be surviving right now. 
 

I know I shouldn’t say it but I just keep hoping that I will go to bed and not wake up again but know it won’t happen as I can’t even sleep. 
 

I really hope that this gets easier for all us that are going through this waking nightmare.

Kath

[ESM]

19 hours ago, ADM925 said:

  But I know that knowing me so well her worst fear would be for me to be without her in a hostile, frightening, lonely, empty world, which is exactly what it is now. 

That's one of the things I keep thinking. My Mom's greatest fear in life was that I would be alone, have no one, and wouldn't be able to care for myself. And yet that's precisely where I am.

 

10 hours ago, Kathb said:

I know I shouldn’t say it but I just keep hoping that I will go to bed and not wake up again but know it won’t happen as I can’t even sleep. 

Me too. I feel horrible thinking it, but I just find each subsequent moment of existence worse than the previous. I hope somehow we all find a little bit of peace in the New Year. Try to be well everyone.

[ADM925]

12 hours ago, Kathb said:

I know I shouldn’t say it but I just keep hoping that I will go to bed and not wake up again but know it won’t happen as I can’t even sleep. 

I don't want to disturb you or anyone but I woke up in shock for the 3rd time tonight from dreams / nightmares at 1, 2, & 3 AM - 1st ntmare I'm separated from Mom in a giant factory bldg. running everywhere screaming "I can't find you, where are you, where are you?" - then woke up to nightmare = reality in empty house  #2) at home hugging Mom in the upstairs hallway crying "I'm so frightened so frightened but not anymore now I'm with you again" - thought and felt it was real, then woke up in the empty room nauseous dizzy heart racing; #3) don't remember, but felt the shock anyway and panicked.  I can't take this anymore, don't know what to do, where to run; I keep saying please take me to be with them now, I can't be here alone after 60 years of never being apart from my mom, and I'm sick of being told that I have to (I might not have to - who knows what's going to happen?). 

12 hours ago, Kathb said:

I just hope this does get easier in time,

I don't at all mean to say it can't / won't for you and hope and pray it does, but I worry extremely about people like us whose moms were our only refuge.  For me time is making it only much worse as the dreams and 60 years of heartrending memories (they are all that way now) keep coming.  As the time apart from each other increases so does the sickening despair and horror of it all and the desperation to be free of it.  We had a life together; what is now is only a solitary nightmare existence, an evil, twisted distortion.  Like claustrophobia - the longer you're trapped the worse the panic. Sorry but I am very overwrought after the three dream-shocks tonight and the massive dread of the approaching day.  PS - The first time I saw Mom on the ventilator after cardiac arrest, the ER nurse told me "She's a fighter."   

 

[Sarahismymom]

I sometimes feel anger because mom never quit smoking. I begged and begged. She has a friend she worked with for decades. She now has COPD. When I speak to her, she just accepts everything. She says basically that mom felt similar.  I just don’t understand not battling harder to quit smoking. My mom was tough but couldn’t quit smoking. 
 

I know if I could go back and show her my life now, she might’ve fought harder to quit. I KNOW she wouldn’t want me to hurt so much. She was always good to me.  There are moments like right now where I can barely breathe. 

[Sarahismymom]

I talk to mom but it’s not right anymore. I mean our relationship was fun, it was caring, it was interesting…it was full of joy. We had our issues but they were all external. We might have financial problems. We might have a problem at work.  We still managed to laugh and enjoy each other’s company.  Now, talking to mom is just sad. As I write this, I just don’t want to try anymore.  I will but I don’t want to. 

[ADM925]

3 hours ago, Sarahismymom said:

I talk to mom but it’s not right anymore. I mean our relationship was fun, it was caring, it was interesting…it was full of joy.   We still managed to laugh and enjoy each other’s company.  Now, talking to mom is just sad. As I write this, I just don’t want to try anymore.  I will but I don’t want to. 

It is very very heartbreaking.  I need and miss Mom so much I hate and dread every moment of my life.  When I talk to her I'm afraid my misery and panic are hurting and frightening her.  But I keep trying, like you I can't stop.  It's 8 months tomorrow and worse than ever.

On 1/12/2022 at 10:53 PM, Sarahismymom said:

I KNOW she wouldn’t want me to hurt so much. She was always good to me.  There are moments like right now where I can barely breathe. 

Every night a flashback-shockwave comes at me 15-20 times in a row and it feels like I'm dying.  This never happened before, even when we lost Dad, because Mom was with me.  People get angry and tell me "move on with your life" but my Mom was my life and world.  It still doesn't seem real that she's not with me.  I have fantasies that a divine visitation will somehow end the nightmare.

[Sarahismymom]

The “move on with your life” comment hit home. My boss has never shown any empathy toward me but recently, he had me relocate from a private office where I could break down occasionally, to a huge wide open noisy room where there are usually people. I feel like I’m going to explode. Before, I could stop and cry if I needed to. Now I have to maintain my composure. It’s awful. 
 

I say it regularly now that I don’t want mom to see me broken. I want her to hear me sometimes but there are moments where it’s dark & I’m so sad, I just don’t want her to see that. That wasn’t what I was like with her. 

[Kathb]

I can really feel what you are going through - it's just over 3 months since I lost my mum and 2 years since I have been in the office. We have now started a new hybrid contact where we are n the office for 2 days of the week and work from home for 3.  I lost count of the number of times I said I was fine when all I wanted to do was curl up in a ball in a corner away from everyone but despite feeling overwhelmed I managed to survive this week.  I'm sure in time it will get easier and be around people rather than being at home alone all the time which probably makes it feel so much worse - I'm just glad I haven't had to go back to the office until now as sure I would have completely broken down.

Hope you're doing OK or the best you can.

[Sarahismymom]

Tough week for me. April 13th is mom’s birthday. I used to try so hard to give her something she would enjoy. She worked so much. I just wanted her to laugh some. I remember being broke years ago. I entered the NCAA basketball pool at work and came in 4th!!!  I didn’t win much money but I was able to take it and give mom a few small gifts. That meant everything to me. I loved giving her things. 
 

I’ve been doing some group counseling.  A lot of the people were talking last week about wanting to finally get through the grief. They wanted to move on. I understand because some of them have been grieving for a while. However, I’m not really looking to go anywhere or change my feeling. I’m content with my grief.  It’s my life right now and it’s my love for my mom. Maybe I’ll feel different down the road but I’m not in a rush to have my life change.   My life isn’t filled with joy but that’s ok.  Nothing is going to fill my life like my relationship with my mom did.  She was everything I had. She was woven into everything I did. She still is.  I miss you so very much mom. 

[Kathb]

I’m sorry you are going through such a hard time - grief is hard and I don’t think anyone really understands unless they have gone through it. There is no right or wrong way you just have to do what is right for you. Sending hugs 🤗 

[MomsLovingSon]

My mom just passed away on April 8th; her funeral service is in about 36 hours as of typing this. I can relate to so many things that people have said in this thread. She was my world, I'm an only child and we really only had one another for my entire life. She was 70 and I'm 29. I've spent my twenties increasingly looking after her and taking on more responsibilities around the home, including shopping for us, etc. She was my only friend and a great one at that. Someone posted earlier in the thread about loving to show and talk to her about things in the news, recent events, etc. That is just how my mom and I were. Whether it was some political thing, a random fun fact or something about baseball (we're both big Toronto Blue Jays fans) I was always eager to share it with her.

 

Someone talked about the dread of looking for work now and finances. Someone else talked about how to deal with keeping the home now. I can relate. I've got limited work experience that took place many moons ago now and I've inherited the house. There's no way that I want to sell it but it's vital that I find employment soon because I won't be able to live off of savings for all that long (especially as everything associated with the funeral isn't cheap in the slightest). It's extremely scary. My mom first got sick at the end of February; back then it was really no big deal. We still were normal, we still played Jeopardy! on TV every weeknight together, TV bingo every Tuesday night for about an hour, we ate the dinners I made and usually had take out on Friday's. We were both eagerly awaiting Opening Day for the baseball season, ready to root for the Jays. Then, early in the morning on Opening Day, she took her last breath. After the doctors told me there was nothing that could be done but prolong her suffering on the ventilator needlessly, I asked them on the evening of April 7th if they could just have her make it until midnight so she could live to get to one last Opening Day. I still can't believe how things went. I miss her so badly and I do have thoughts often about how I wish I'd just not wake up one morning so that I could be with her again. I can't imagine not having her around and I probably have many years of my own left to live and it terrifies me.

[Sarahismymom]

April has been so tough. My mom’s birthday was 2 weeks ago. Today is my birthday. Mom & I were extremely close. She was my world. The one person in was truly close to. 

I never ever have any doubt about how much I meant to her. She did everything she possibly could for me. It wasn’t easy. We always made it though. I keep thinking if mom could, she would definitely contact me on my birthday. If it was possible, I’d get a sign. If I receive nothing, how should I feel? Believing I’ll see mom again one day is what keeps me going. I’m scared.  I know this is just me rambling. I think I come here when I’m the most overwhelmed and just start typing.  It’s been such a difficult time. 

[MomsLovingSon]

• 21 minutes ago, Sarahismymom said:

  April has been so tough. My mom’s birthday was 2 weeks ago. Today is my birthday. Mom & I were extremely close. She was my world. The one person in was truly close to. 

  I never ever have any doubt about how much I meant to her. She did everything she possibly could for me. It wasn’t easy. We always made it though. I keep thinking if mom could, she would definitely contact me on my birthday. If it was possible, I’d get a sign. If I receive nothing, how should I feel? Believing I’ll see mom again one day is what keeps me going. I’m scared.  I know this is just me rambling. I think I come here when I’m the most overwhelmed and just start typing.  It’s been such a difficult time. 

  Sorry to hear how rough things are for you. Happy birthday and I hope that you can try to have a bit of fun out of it. I can relate completely about being close to your mom; I was like that with mine. Just like with you guys it wasn't always easy for us, but mom always got us through too. Nothing seems okay with her not around.
  
  About 5 hours from now will make it 3 weeks on the dot that I lost her. I know that my birthday and hers (both late in the year) are going to be tough to deal with. I can't imagine how I'll get through it. Personally I don't have much of a belief that people can be contacted by a deceased loved one, but I'd be lying if I said that I haven't been hoping for mom to let me know she's looking over me. I hope you get to be with yours again some day, I hope that we all do.

[ADM925]

On 4/27/2022 at 8:12 PM, Sarahismymom said:

My mom’s birthday was 2 weeks ago. Today is my birthday.

I hope you weren't pressured into going somewhere to 'celebrate' it (as I was) if you didn't want to.

On 4/27/2022 at 8:12 PM, Sarahismymom said:

Mom & I were extremely close. She was my world. The one person in was truly close to. 

I never ever have any doubt about how much I meant to her. She did everything she possibly could for me. It wasn’t easy. We always made it though.

5 / 8 will be very bad

[ESM]

On 4/27/2022 at 8:12 PM, Sarahismymom said:

April has been so tough. My mom’s birthday was 2 weeks ago. Today is my birthday. Mom & I were extremely close. She was my world. The one person in was truly close to. 

Next month will be my birthday. It will be the first one without my mom. I'm really just dreading both my birthday and the fact that Mother's Day is rapidly approaching. Just like you stated, my mother was my world, truly the one person I was close to in this world. I wish it was getting easier, but it's not.

[ADM925]

On 4/29/2022 at 12:09 PM, ESM said:

Next month will be my birthday. It will be the first one without my mom. 

Mine in Sept. was brutal - taken by employer to a luncheonette Mom and I liked, and could barely eat.  I tried to refuse but he insisted, and 7 months later the memory still gives a bad jolt.

On 4/29/2022 at 12:09 PM, ESM said:

 I'm really just dreading both my birthday and the fact that Mother's Day is rapidly approaching.

Mother's Day was a true joy because every year I would work extra-hard to prepare one of Mom's favorite piano pieces for the special Mother's Day church service.  It always made her so happy and proud, and afterwards we'd go to brunch at one of our favorite restaurants.  Now I hate music and playing and have deteriorated badly, wish I could stop outright but still have to show up and somehow get through it for the meager income it provides (not nearly enough to keep up anyway).  Without Mom there it is a joyless, heartbreaking, miserable ordeal, like a waking nightmare, and 5/8 will be even more so. 

On 4/29/2022 at 12:09 PM, ESM said:

Just like you stated, my mother was my world, truly the one person I was close to in this world. I wish it was getting easier, but it's not.

Same here for everything, and the support group I've been signed into is not helping.  I've also heard enough of "That's life" and "She's not coming back"; it only adds to the jarring, always-increasing anguish. 

 

 

[Sarahismymom]

 I am surprised at responses I’ve gotten in some forums I post in. (Not this one.). When I get overwhelmed, I have no one to talk to so I go online and ramble. I’ve gotten some lousy responses. 
 

“Hey I’m sorry for your loss but you seem to think the rest of the world shared in your trauma.”

”I understand your grief but what does this have to do with religion?”

”Thats tough but talk to her won’t help any. Hate to tell you she can’t hear you.”

I could go on. I’ve been very appreciative of this forum.  Not a single negative response. I thank you all. 

[ESM]

On 5/2/2022 at 9:54 PM, Sarahismymom said:

“Hey I’m sorry for your loss but you seem to think the rest of the world shared in your trauma.”

”I understand your grief but what does this have to do with religion?”

”Thats tough but talk to her won’t help any. Hate to tell you she can’t hear you.”

People can be just awful. It's beyond me how someone can be on a message board opening themselves up, expressing the profound grief they are experiencing and yet some people respond with those kind of callous, cold-hearted responses. Just amazing. Try to be well.