When does thehurt go away?

[Angela1001]

I lost my dad in December of 2010. He was sick for awhile. The year before he was diagnosed with liver cancer, five years before that the doctors told me he had advanced cirrhosis and wouldnt have much longer. When he first got sick, I was planning my wedding. I've alway been a daddys girl. I didnt leave his house until my wedding day and I was 25 then. And even then I was with him everyday. Six months after I got marrried we decided it would be smarter if my husband and I moved in with him, since I was doing so much back and forth. I took care of him, but I needed to be near him. He was always my best friend. And I know that sounds so corny, but I never knew pain like this before. I knew he was dying. the last week was the worst he wasnt able to talk tor move. He had told me he wanted to bring hospice in, but he didnt want to go to a hospital or hospice care. So really all they did was supply me with medicine. That week was the worst of my life. I just wanted to talk to him. He passed away in my arms From the moment I was born to the moment that he dies we were never really apart. That last week I went back and forth praying that if God wasn't going make him better to take him. I know that he's in a better place and that his suffering was so unfair, but I'm not in a better place. When he died, I felt pain. We had the services 10 days after he passed becauseof the holidays. Whenever anyone would come by, I'd be fine. I'm sure I looked the mess, I didnt leave his room, didnt even sleep with my husband. I just hibernated with my cat in his room. I cleaned everything out crying, with this pain inside. Real physical pain. At the service I didnt cry. i only cry alone. Now its 10 months later and the pain is stilll threre. None of this even makes any sense, but I cant talk about it with anyone. I want comfort but I cant get it from my freinds and family fror some reason. I just want my dad. My whole life was taking care of him and him taking of me I guess. I try and do the things I never could do before like just go out with friends or take a walk when no one is home. But it just makes me miss when I couldnt do that because I had to make sure he was okay. He always though he was a burden on me, but, now I'm lost without him. I'm even hesitant on sending this. I don't know why I can't take in anything.

[sadbeyondwords]

I feel the same way. exactly. I just lost my dad one week ago. I am suffering physical pain. I dont understand how to go on. I already lost my mother 3 years ago. I was a mess for years. A real mess. I lived with the memories of her death and i cried all the time. ow I live with my horrific memories of my father's painful death. that is the worst. I wish my father was able to die peacefully like you described in my arms rather than suffocating and the doctors ignoring him. It should have been peacful. It is too hard to think that he suffered so much just before he died. I tried to protect him my whole life. my life was dedicated to him. He was begging me to help him breath and I said "calm down"....becuae nobody was doing anything for him in the busy emergency room. it was horrific. it is kililng me

i am sorry for your loss