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I'm so angry I wanna scream


lmccaffr

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Last night was the first time I felt Angry at my husband for his death and it caught me by surprise because for the past 3 months I don't think I felt anything except sadness and despair. This may sound petty but I have a phobia about insects. Since my husbands been gone I've had to kill 4 crickets and 3 spiders in my house, as well as rid my outside shed of a skunk! I am so afraid of insects - panic and fear describes what I feel when I see an insect. Now I am forced to kill the insects I find in the house - spiders, etc. by myself. It gets me so upset I'm afraid I'm going to have a heart attack just from the fear and anxiety of having to do this. I can't scream for my husband anymore to do it! My knight in shining armour is gone forever! My day was hard enough to get thru let alone having to kill these beasts before I have to go to bed. I have a hard enough time falling alseep as it is - let alone having to scream and get so worked up enough to even try to kill a spider and then go to bed crying and dealing with my phobias and anxiety! How could he leave me alone like this. I just can't do this by myself - it's too hard. Just when I think I somehow made it thru the day - I have to deal with bugs all by myself! I have been trying to be brave for my daughter who also hates insects. But it's just too hard and I feel weary of trying to be brave about everything. I just can't do it anymore. I don't want to do it anymore.

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Last night was the first time I felt Angry at my husband for his death and it caught me by surprise because for the past 3 months I don't think I felt anything except sadness and despair. This may sound petty but I have a phobia about insects. Since my husbands been gone I've had to kill 4 crickets and 3 spiders in my house, as well as rid my outside shed of a skunk! I am so afraid of insects - panic and fear describes what I feel when I see an insect. Now I am forced to kill the insects I find in the house - spiders, etc. by myself. It gets me so upset I'm afraid I'm going to have a heart attack just from the fear and anxiety of having to do this. I can't scream for my husband anymore to do it! My knight in shining armour is gone forever! My day was hard enough to get thru let alone having to kill these beasts before I have to go to bed. I have a hard enough time falling alseep as it is - let alone having to scream and get so worked up enough to even try to kill a spider and then go to bed crying and dealing with my phobias and anxiety! How could he leave me alone like this. I just can't do this by myself - it's too hard. Just when I think I somehow made it thru the day - I have to deal with bugs all by myself! I have been trying to be brave for my daughter who also hates insects. But it's just too hard and I feel weary of trying to be brave about everything. I just can't do it anymore. I don't want to do it anymore.

Want-u-back,

I am utterly sorry I missed your post. I would have written much sooner, but I don't know how I skipped this one. Please accept my apology.

With that being said, I am sure that the bugs have "topped the cake" on your emotional stress. I can certainly understand this part of your anxiety because I am terrified of bugs. We get these horrid mole crickets in our house that look like giant spider things with tons of legs--and they jump. Uggghhh. My kids are also scared of them, but we take turns throwing the shoe at them and then we laugh. It helps to relieve the stress of that issue.

I know you are angry, and this is perfectly normal. You are making it through a day at a time. Don't think too far ahead, just keep it to the here and now at this point in your life.

Also, I know this sounds crazy, but have you thought about getting a cat? They like to kill bugs and eat them. Put the cat in front of a spider or bug, and that problem may be solved. Actually, we have four cats that we rescued from the animal shelter, and our cricket problem is almost non-existant currently. Occassionally, one will get through the army of cats, but it's rare these days. Plus, a kitten will curl up beside you at night and feel warm and cuddly. While that of course is certainly no substitute for your husband, it may help both you and your daughter to share a small measure of happiness and laughter again.

Please come back and share more of your story when you are up to it. I look forward to getting to know you better.

ModKonnie

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