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Dealing with anger — I feel like a cranky toddler!


Ajax

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I am mostly writing this to get my feelings out, as I really don’t have anyone to talk to honestly about this.  

My husband is one of three siblings.  Husband has been the “go to” child — the dependable one who was primarily there when their mom died; the one who attended to their father’s needs for the last 5 years of his life. The one who drove five hours so many times to be there for his sister through her chemo.   He and I stayed with his sister for the last month or two while she needed 24/7 care and eventually passed away.  I was happy to be there for my husband.  It was hard, as many of you know.

Why I am angry:  She never thanked me.  Not once. Once or twice she said “I’m sorry” when I was doing intimate caregiving things which I imagine was her way of acknowledging how hard it was.  If she ever showed appreciation to my husband, I did not hear it. Frankly, she treated us like staff.  And while that doesn’t surprise me given her personality, it still baffled and angered me. 

To add to it, probate ensued; husband is executor.  She left expensive art to friends; she left nothing to the other brother; little to my husband.  She left almost all of her estate to two of their cousins.   Intellectually, I know — it’s her money,  her wishes, she could leave money to her cats if she wanted.  Emotionally, I’m just furious with her for shafting her brothers like that.  The two heirs were stunned that she left it to them.  Luckily, my husband is close to them, too so that helped the dynamic. 

We emptied her house [no small feat during covid], fixed up her house, sold her house for an oh-my-gawd amount of money; have been dealing with attorneys/bills/etc for many months.  It was months being away In another city; many more months of probate work.  

Yesterday, big $$$ amounts were wired to the two cousins   I suppose sending those big amounts of money refreshed my anger.  It wasn’t ever about the money, though it is a sizable amount.  It’s what the money represents. She told my husband the proceeds of the house sale would go to him, but that isn’t how her will was written. She left him a huge responsibility and workload, but barely left him anything in her will.  She also barely left anything for her best friend since age 5 or her friend who worked hard to make life better for her as her health declined.  She heaped gratitude on those who brought soup, but, never once thanked me for very intimate caregiving duties, cooking, cleaning, laundry, sleepless nights.  Obviously, I didn’t do it for that gratitude but some would have been nice.  

ANYWAY, I need to move past this anger.  I cannot really vent too much to my husband [he lost his sister so I’m trying to be sensitive to that]; he isn’t able to express his feelings about it. 

I feel so petty and small thinking this way.  I’m ashamed that what I should feel is grief over her death and my husband’s loss.  I shouldn’t be behaving like a cranky toddler who did not get her way, but, that is how I feel.  To add to my husband’s grief, his father died several months earlier, after months of my husband dealing with his dad’s failing health and his estate.  

If you read this far, thanks.  I know there must be others who are coping with being angry at a deceased loved one. I hope I get over it.  I thought about calling the hospice organization that helped us during his sister’s last month, but I am a crier — I know I would start bawling and making weird animal sounds becaue I cannot cry and speak, so writing is easier for me.  

Thank you! 



 

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Dear Ajax,

Your husband sounds like an amazing son and brother. It was so good of you to help him with his sister. I don't think you're being petty or small for thinking this way. It's only natural to have resentment and anger when loved ones don't show their appreciation, gratitude and love. Given everything your husband is doing with the estate, it would only make sense if he was compensated in some financial way. 

Grief brings up a lot of raw feelings. It's a good idea to reach out to the hospice organization. For myself, it really helped to talk to someone and to get my feelings and thoughts out of my head. I hope with more time you can find some comfort and peace with what happened.

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5 hours ago, reader said:

Dear Ajax,

Your husband sounds like an amazing son and brother. It was so good of you to help him with his sister. I don't think you're being petty or small for thinking this way. It's only natural to have resentment and anger when loved ones don't show their appreciation, gratitude and love. Given everything your husband is doing with the estate, it would only make sense if he was compensated in some financial way. 

Grief brings up a lot of raw feelings. It's a good idea to reach out to the hospice organization. For myself, it really helped to talk to someone and to get my feelings and thoughts out of my head. I hope with more time you can find some comfort and peace with what happened.


Thank you very much.  It helps to just vent in writing.  

Grief does bring out a whole festival of emotions. I’ve just never dealt with anger before — at least directed at the person.  I’ve felt anger at death or circumstances, but not angry at the deceased.  

We were compensated for time dealing with the estate so at least there is that!

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I hear where you're coming from. I feel like your husband's sister should have left the bulk of her estate to him. He has been so selfless in caring for his parents and sister. It's hard to know why people do the things they do. I find it so difficult to accept when people can't even say a simple thank you or I love you or I appreciate you. She shouldn't have taken it for granted that you were both there every day supporting her during such a difficult time. I too would feel angry. I hope with grief counseling or a grief support group it will help a little. Please know we are with you.

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If I could wave my magic wand, I wish she had split her estate — include the cousins, but make it equitable with my husband.  I wish she had at least *included* her other brother to some degree.   There were other people we were surprised she left out — I guess wills are like weddings, you cannot include *everyone* but other people were hurt as well. 

I just wish she had once said “I so appreciate you being here for me.”  Just once. 

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