I never found a way to process that makes sense for me

[arthur-j]

I’m here after searching online for a grief forum that I could use to share how I’m feeling. There’s a lot going on in my head right now. It took me a long time to realize how much of what I’ve been dealing with lately internally stems from the loss I had in late January of my mom’s mother who was supposed to have come down to visit my family sometime this year. We had a service and potlatch for her in June, on the solstice, and spread her ashes and had many people who were important to her speak. It’s been difficult for me to really feel or process anything, partly because we haven’t been close in years. I haven’t even been within a thousand miles of her since two years ago and it’s just so easy to imagine that she’s still around and just hasn’t gotten around to checking up on us in a while. And while most of the family found some sort of peace through the celebration of life we had, I didn’t feel connected. Even the things we did, neither were things that were never a part of who I was- a Catholic service when I never even went to church for holidays, and a traditional potlatch when I and my siblings grew up disconnected from the native culture and thousands of miles away from the land and people. Neither of those celebrations felt like they were angled toward me and I didn’t feel any closure from them. Even the spreading of her ashes. It didn’t feel like it was really her anymore. Just... dust in an urn. There was nothing of her in there left and I wasn’t there when she died so there’s not much of a way I was able to find closure or even truly feel like she’s gone. So it’s still in a point where whenever I let myself really think about the truth of everything, I lose control. And I don’t know how to process this when everyone around me has had their needs met by one thing or another. We weren’t even that close when she was alive, not since I was a little kid. I used to dread her long phone calls and now I miss them more than anything. I want to talk to someone about it all, but I don’t have anyone in my family that I feel remotely comfortable talking to. So... I’m here instead. And I’ll probably be back. 

[reader]

Dear arthur,

I'm so sorry for your loss. Please know this is a safe place to share your feelings. 

I wanted to suggest these websites for additional support.

Grief in Common

Grief Healing Blog

What's Your Grief

We are here with you.