Realization

[Diane R. E.]

John9; my sincere condolences to you for the passing of your MIL and now all that goes with it. I echo all the kind words others have said on this forum. My heart goes out to you.

[tnd]

8 hours ago, Sparky1 said:

Your wife would be proud of you, as we all are considering what you've had dealt to you.

Sparky1 and John9:  I think he has carried a gargantuan amount of responsibility on his shoulders helping people for so long, including his MIL. And all the while grieving and living with the pain from the loss of his wife. What a guy! A real stand up kind of guy with real decency and morals. This business of "grieving" is so hard. It's like being forced to climb Mount Everest with no training, no gear and very little help, if any. Or at least it feels that way. John, we are all here for you. We will rally around you like everyone does for each other on here. Hope you stay aboard to let us know how you are doing. I plan to do the same. Hopefully now you and I can just properly grieve as we've needed to. I don't see this dark cloud lifting any time soon, I will always miss my husband and hurt but I at least want to be able to wake up each day feeling like I've got a chance, an opportunity if you will, to cope and learn to live with this pain and somehow have some sort of life again. I want that for everyone on here, including you, dear friend. 

[John9]

tnd,

I had posted last week during the period that got "wiped out", that I feel like a failure and a useless, worthless person but I do know that I have tried my hardest to do right by people and that sometimes it is just so hard. I am not sure what will happen now but as MIL used to say "one thing at a time" and that is where I am now. One less thing but also many more. I do hope that I am able to grieve properly but I don't think it will happen quite yet, tomorrow "we" have to complete the arrangements for her cremation and wait for the issuance of the Death Certificates to process all of the "legal" stuff (probate, etc) all while going through the other legal stuff from my friend, Lawyers are getting rich and funeral home too. Three so far this year and only 8 months in.

[foreverhis]

57 minutes ago, tnd said:

Hopefully now you and I can just properly grieve as we've needed to. I don't see this dark cloud lifting any time soon, I will always miss my husband and hurt but I at least want to be able to wake up each day feeling like I've got a chance, an opportunity if you will, to cope and learn to live with this pain and somehow have some sort of life again. I want that for everyone on here, including you, dear friend. 

I hope that for both of you especially and for all of us.  No, the dark clouds won't lift soon, but over time--and lots of it--those clouds will not be so black.  Little by little, so much so that it's often imperceptible until we "look back" and see that we've started to move forward (not move on or get over), bits of light and hope will likely start to peek through.  And when you are ready, you will reach for them and even learn to welcome them. 

In the meantime, do try to find one thing each day that is positive.  Perhaps it is those unexpected flowers in a pot or maybe it's just that the weather is absolutely perfect one day or a beautiful bird will soar overhead.  It doesn't matter how tiny or fleeting the small joy is, it's important to accept it when you feel it.  Of course, for you tnd, the joy today is learning that there are people who are more like family than (toxic!) family.  I think it's perhaps a renewal of your faith on many levels.  I hope it feels that way to you.

And yes, now that you will be able to start to grieve without so much weight on your shoulders, you will be able to accept what's ahead, whatever that may be.  We do not ever accept that losing our loves was right or fair because it wasn't and never could be.  But time helps us accept the new reality and different lives we have now. I don't believe the shattered pieces of my heart will ever mend fully.  How could they?  I miss John every bit as much as I did the first morning I woke up knowing I was alone, but that missing no longer crushes me under its weight all the time.  Sometimes it's heavier than others, yet I am learning to find a different kind of happiness where I can.  We carry our grief with us always.  What changes is the way we carry it forward along with our love and memories.

Although most of us have not and will never meet in person, we are a community that helps each other, that cares about one another.  It is something I did not expect to find and it's made a world of difference for me as I continue my own slow journey forward. 

[John9]

foreverhis,

I thank you for the comments and all I can do is take things as they come however that may be. It is "funny" I just got off the phone with my friends physical therapist who has continued to check on me since my wife died and he and I talked about looking for the little things to help through the days. This person is a very good man to do this for someone he only "barely" knows and I am very thankful for him in my life at this time, in his own way he may be an angel for me.

[tnd]

8 hours ago, John9 said:

I had posted last week during the period that got "wiped out", that I feel like a failure and a useless, worthless person but I do know that I have tried my hardest to do right by people

John9:  You are definitely not an example of "failure". Far from it. Maybe that's why we are grieving so hard. No matter how hard we worked at having a life with our spouses and maintaining it so that it was there for us and for them every day, they were the ones whose lives were cut short. All we wanted to do was please them and wake up every day with them at our side. Thought I was doing all the right things in life, staying on the right path and a good person. Then the ONE thing that I valued the most, the ONE thing I put my heart and soul into was taken. My husband deserved a happy life and many more years. Or maybe what I was really feeling, was that it was me who deserved a happy life and to have him for however long I wanted. That didn't happen so...now comes the feelings of failure and worthlessness. NOT! I do not know how or when but we are going to rise up from this some day. No promises of course, but we must still look for a way like we looked for ways as we've always done. I just don't feel up to it right now. But I'm not going to count it out yet. Please hang in there. You've helped me in so many ways...   

6 hours ago, John9 said:

It is "funny" I just got off the phone with my friends physical therapist who has continued to check on me since my wife died and he and I talked about looking for the little things to help through the days.

John9:  An angel indeed. 

[John9]

tnd,

 I thank you and you are correct that is what "we" wanted. Yesterday when it hit me that MIL died I was struck with the realization that now was the time that we were supposed to start the next phase of our life. We were no longer going to be responsible for anyone "but" us and we could enjoy it. As everyone knows that didn't happen and now I am just "lost" it isn't the same now with nothing to do but handle the "paperwork" of MIL and her affairs and it is something. I now am not "forced" to be here in the house waiting or wondering if or when something might happen to MIL but this has been the routine for so long that it feels so weird. My son and I are going right now to make arrangements for her cremation and it will probably be harder than I think it should be because it was an eventuality and expected death, but it is also closing a chapter because she was in my life for 35 years also. So much loss in too short of a period of time. As stated before it is the risk of "LOVE" most if not all that we LOVE(D) will at some point be lost to the ones left behind. I know that they will always be in our HEARTS but as I said my wife took all of the pieces of mine when she died and I am just so......

[KayC]

On 8/30/2021 at 8:12 AM, John9 said:

It will be a direct cremation like my wife because "nobody" cared when she was alive so I don't need crocodile tears now about how much they will miss her.

I totally get it and would feel the same.  By this age most "friends" have already preceded them and those who cared, showed it...YOU.  

 

[KayC]

19 hours ago, John9 said:

I feel like a failure and a useless, worthless person but I do know that I have tried my hardest to do right by people and that sometimes it is just so hard.

Oh John, you are anything but worthless!  NOT how any of us see you at all!  Few would have taken on what you did and all while grieving.  It makes me feel guilty for complaining about my situation.

I love how special each and every one in this group is, I feel very close to you all, how you rally around each other and support each other in the midst of all you are going through.  You are truly all top notch and do not deserve all that has happened in your life, least of all losing that special person who was your partner, lover, best friend in life.

19 hours ago, foreverhis said:

do try to find one thing each day that is positive

Yes, that changed my life and is one of the positives I've taken away from this grief.

17 hours ago, John9 said:

I just got off the phone with my friends physical therapist who has continued to check on me since my wife died and he and I talked about looking for the little things to help through the days.

That is confirmation of what we've already found!

[KayC]

3 hours ago, John9 said:

Yesterday when it hit me that MIL died I was struck with the realization that now was the time that we were supposed to start the next phase of our life.

I know, right!  It hasn't turned out that way for me either.  I live vicariously through @Autocharge

[annie123]

John, my thoughts and prayers are with you.

[Gail 8588]

On 8/31/2021 at 9:21 AM, John9 said:

. . . My son and I are going right now to make arrangements for her cremation and it will probably be harder than I think it should be because it was an eventuality and expected death, but it is also closing a chapter because she was in my life for 35 years also. So much loss in too short of a period of time. 

. . .

John9, 

I am glad your son was able to go with you.  You have been through so much loss. And of course your son is grieving too. But it is good you can be with each other. 

I hope you have been able to get some rest. I am sure it feels strange to not be "on call" 24/7.  It will probably take some time for you to really relax. 

This is yet another transition forced upon you. Change is always hard, even when expected. 

Hugs

Gail

[John9]

Gail 8588,

I am unable to relax yet even though I have attempted too try. I stayed up a little later so I could get up later and STILL woke up at 4:15 am and got up at 5:09am. I know it will take a little while to reset my "clock" but also the new issues of her estate will need to be addressed as soon as we receive the Death Certificates because as everyone probably is aware nothing happens without them at least not in Michigan. It was hard like I thought it might be but partly because we had to discuss my wife when filling out the paperwork for MIL and it is so hard sometimes to explain the details of her death without crying or breaking down.

[Gail 8588]

John9, 

Same here in Florida, I couldn't do much of anything until I had the death certificate.  It took a fairly long time, like 10 days or more for me to receive it.  Then it had errors on it.  I ended up just using it with the errors with the intention of filing to correct the errors later.  I haven't corrected them yet, but I should go ahead and do that.  For example his death certificate has an incorrect city and state of his birth.  I think I ought to correct that, for historical records.  It probably won't ever matter, but it seems like I should fix it. 

Anyway, I agree with you that not much can get done until you get the death certificate.

An Advil PM helped me to sleep a little longer and more deeply. You might try something like that to help you get back on a full night's sleep schedule. 

You have done so much for others for so long, try to be kind to yourself now. 

Gail

[John9]

Gail 8588,

I agree about "fixing" errors but then again unless they were to misspell her name I really wouldn't care because dealing with "those" people would just make me angrier because someone didn't do their job correctly, but who knows what I will do. In Michigan "we" have another "stupid" antiquated law still on the books and it affects too many people, IF someone dies and the proper paperwork isn't signed within 48 hours you have to pay to embalm them even if they are being cremated and no service MIL is now the 3rd time this year that I had to pay for it because of various reasons but 2 of them because "they" died on the weekend and there is nobody working that can sign the papers and then when someone can sign the paperwork is "backed" up and like this weekend it is a 3 day weekend anyone dying between Friday night and Sunday will probably have to be embalmed because of the backup. As far as taking the "sleeping" aid throughout the years I have tried and found that a lot of "drugs" do not work for me and have actually had arguments with Doctors over that issue because they all want to say "this should have worked " because it works for everyone else. My wife was able to take Zyquil IF she was allowed to let it clear her system before she needed to "function" but since it is nothing but Benadryl those types have never worked for me. But thank you for the suggestion I will eventually hopefully find the sweet spot and be able to get some sleep just not right away. One thing, one step, one day.

[KayC]

OMG, that's crazy!  Maybe something to bring up to your representative when you are through with more pressing stuff.  Sometimes they need to fix the old laws on the books.

[John9]

KayC,

I did actually say that to our son and Aunt about how it is at the worst possible time and some families are already struggling and now there is an extra fee on top of everything else.

[John9]

I just sent an email to our representative. Let's see if he even responds, don't expect much but an automated response since he is probably on "vacation" or break but I will see.

[tnd]

23 hours ago, John9 said:

it is so hard sometimes to explain the details of her death without crying or breaking down.

John9:  That happens to me too. A neighbor man asked Francis about me and my husband last nite because he hadn't seen us and then he saw Francis "and crew" packing my stuff up. I didn't speak with him, Francis came back inside and told me and I started crying. I guess this will keep happening for as long as our emotions are there. Kind of hard to hold it in.  

[Gail 8588]

Tnd, 

For me that has gotten easier with time.  For the first several years I could not tell someone that my husband had died without breaking down crying.  But this past year (year 4) there have been 2 occasions that I ran into someone who had known my husband, but didn't know he had died.  I was able to tell each of them that John had died from a stroke a few years ago.  My voice cracked a little bit, but I did not burst into tears. I did not blubber part of the message and then be unable to finish the sentence.  I was amazed the first time, because always before I had made a scene.  The second time it happened, I knew I had passed into a new phase. I could tell people about his death without falling to pieces. 

Grief evolves. 

Gail

[KayC]

18 hours ago, John9 said:

I just sent an email to our representative. Let's see if he even responds, don't expect much but an automated response since he is probably on "vacation" or break but I will see.

I'm sorry, I feel Oregon is so lucky to have Peter DeFazio since he amazingly is for the people and responds to us.  I've never seen a "politician" like him but we've had him for more years than I can remember, I've met him in person at a place I worked at, he showed up to personally talk to my boss whose business was struggling.  I hope you hear back something more than an automated response!

Yes, Gail, it does evolve, thankfully.  It takes time though and in those early days we just want it to pass.

 

 

 

 

[tnd]

18 hours ago, Gail 8588 said:

The second time it happened, I knew I had passed into a new phase. I could tell people about his death without falling to pieces. 

Gail 8588:  I hope I am nearing that point but if it took you four years then I have to realize that it could take me a while too. I'm trying not to sweat it. I cry over everything else that has been going on and I know people can see that on my face. There's just no hiding how I feel these days. But I don't intend to let any of this beat me. I don't plan for things to stay this way. But it's going to be an uphill climb for sure. Grief, illness, finances, housing, everything I guess.  

[John9]

Today is the first Saturday (sadderday) that I am truly ALONE since my wife died since MIL died Sunday, it is different without "having" to be shackled to the house and unable to not be close for when something that would happen. How MIL died was the type of fear I had since my wife died the fact that she collapsed when I was here was "better" than finding her but it wasn't how I hoped she would go. I and all here know we don't get a say in how anyone will die but I hoped it would be peaceful in her sleep. I can only state that there is a small chance she wasn't really "there" when they took her to the Hospital and she wasn't suffering, since she died in less than 2 hours of being in the Hospital. The next stage is a big unknown for me as there is now so much more to do on top of what I had to deal with, yes I no longer have to care for her but now there is all of the other things to deal with. Right now that is somewhat keeping me focused but again at some point it will hit and I feel hit HARD. I never had told anyone this but when my wife died and we had an appointment to take MIL to the Doctor already I took her and the Doctor did her exam and made an appointment for the end of September so she could get the flu shot. I "knew" that she would never make that appointment and I was surprised she lived as long as she did, but also I am surprised I am still here to make this statement. I have said to my wife too many times that "I am always right about the wrong things" and this was the kind of things I would be referring to. I was never able to "predict" anything good like winning the lottery (haha) but when I felt something was off I would be right. I may be wrong about this comment but I told my son and MIL sister who was there for us that I don't expect to live till my birthday but if I do I expect to be dead by the end of the year and I wasn't trying to make them sad I was stating my "feeling". I have stated before I am not a pessimist nor am I an optimist, I am a realist and have always looked at facts and information and how it relates to a situation and to me the facts are just that. I have done all I can to prepare my son for an eventual future without me and as sad as he will be if I am correct I am sure he will get through it because many "young" people are stronger than they believe they are. He had said that he had nobody in his life as far as a relationship and I said he is only slightly older than I was when I "found" his Mother and I wasn't "looking" she was just there and he can find someone and have a long life with that person if it is to be. I will continue to be there for him as ling as I am alive and I seriously told him upfront that IF I can communicate with him after I die I WILL and he will know it is me. I know this is long and maybe depressing for some to read but as I have said before I am nothing but being honest and some people had/have stopped being with and around me because I have always tried to be honest with everyone, but I never tried to be mean about it just said the truth, mostly when asked not unsolicited. I never said anything just to say it like you are fat or ugly or things like that, I would just state the "obvious" if you were mean or did something or whatever I would "call" you on it and if you didn't like it I didn't need to be around you. The saying that I have enough drama in my life, I don't need yours came to mind the other day when talking to someone and things started going South. Life is just too short for any of that stuff and I know it was just a saying before BUT now it is really true.

[KayC]

42 minutes ago, John9 said:

The saying that I have enough drama in my life, I don't need yours came to mind the other day when talking to someone and things started going South. Life is just too short for any of that stuff and I know it was just a saying before BUT now it is really true.

Yes.  Esp. when it seems petty and pales by comparison to what we're dealing with.

[John9]

Just got off the phone with the "good" sister of MIL and she said the "crazy" one thinks that MIL should pay for a Memorial party for "family" who was never there and never called including cousins and it should be at my house. My Head EXPLODED when I heard this, I don't know these people, I have never met these people and it AIN'T happening let alone having MIL pay for it because IF there is any money probate is in charge now.

[foreverhis]

On 8/31/2021 at 9:33 AM, KayC said:

Oh John, you are anything but worthless!  NOT how any of us see you at all!  Few would have taken on what you did and all while grieving.  It makes me feel guilty for complaining about my situation.

I love how special each and every one in this group is, I feel very close to you all, how you rally around each other and support each other in the midst of all you are going through.  You are truly all top notch and do not deserve all that has happened in your life, least of all losing that special person who was your partner, lover, best friend in life.

Hear, hear!  @John9, you are so worthy and valuable.  You have honored your wife in every way.  So many others would not have remained as a caregiver in the way you did.  You have given so much of yourself to others.  You haven't even been able to really begin your grief journey.  Now it's time to focus on yourself.

However, I also understand all too well feeling otherwise.  We're the ones here, so it's natural we'd look in the mirror and feel unworthy and filled with guilt or remorse.  I certainly do, though not nearly as much as the first year or so.  I think it's so common as to be nearly universal that we point the finger of blame and shame at ourselves.  But feeling that way doesn't make it true.  It was only after I realized that truth that I was able to start separating the things I could have done better, things I could have changed from the things over which I had no control.  I think we may always feel that if only we'd done more, been better, etc. our soulmates would be alive and well.  I know it is irrational, but a part of me hangs on to every "What if...?" and "Why did/didn't I/we/the doctors...?" because my heart wants answers, even though my head knows I will not get them in this life time.

[steveb]

11 hours ago, foreverhis said:

However, I also understand all too well feeling otherwise.  We're the ones here, so it's natural we'd look in the mirror and feel unworthy and filled with guilt or remorse.

How true, there are days that I get wracked with guilt.  Those are tough days. 

[foreverhis]

5 hours ago, John9 said:

Just got off the phone with the "good" sister of MIL and she said the "crazy" one thinks that MIL should pay for a Memorial party for "family" who was never there and never called including cousins and it should be at my house. My Head EXPLODED when I heard this, I don't know these people, I have never met these people and it AIN'T happening let alone having MIL pay for it because IF there is any money probate is in charge now.

I'd say it's unbelievable, but it's quite believable.  What nerve, especially the notion that your MIL's estate should pay for it.  "We're going to have a memorial service for you.  Oh, and you need to pay for it."  As they're calling it a "party," I wouldn't be surprised if for them it truly is a way to spend someone else's money on food and drink, while imposing on you.  As if!  Yeah, I think my head would just about explode at that point.

What is it with people who couldn't be bothered to be there when someone was alive, but when that person dies, all of a sudden they're so sad and "mourning" the loss, blah, blah, blah.  Are they attention seeking so others will feel sorry for them and do stuff for them or give them things?  Are they angling like the vultures they are for whatever possessions and money remain?  People's behavior rarely astonishes me these days.  Unfortunately, theirs surprises me not at all.

[foreverhis]

2 hours ago, steveb said:

How true, there a days that I get wracked with guilt.  Those are tough days. 

They sure are.  It took 2 years before I noticed that I didn't have as many of them.  The difference happened so slowly that I couldn't even say when they lessened.  I guess maybe around the same time that the frequent tsunamis of pain, both physical and emotional, I felt I'd drown in became a little softer and didn't last as long.  I don't know; I guess it's just that this kind of grief is so permanent that changes are often so gradual that it takes a while to see them.

[steveb]

7 hours ago, foreverhis said:

They sure are.  It took 2 years before I noticed that I didn't have as many of them.  The difference happened so slowly that I couldn't even say when they lessened. 

It’s been 13 months since my lovely wife passed.  I am now sleeping better on a more consistent basis. You are 100% right that the changes are very gradual.  The initial months of pain and turmoil we feel are excruciating.  Thank God for this site.  Our community has really helped me. 

[KayC]

NO!  They are NOT having a free meal on her!  Not when none of these people could be bothered with her when she was alive!  Is she kidding!!!  Yes, just tell them it's in the hands of probate, repeat as necessary.  You have been a saint on every level and if anyone should get a reward it's you.  JMO!  

[John9]

KayC,

This is why "everything" should be written out as to what to do if there is any chance of people crawling out from under their rocks looking for something. My wife's Aunts had issues when their parents died because it was a free for all even though nobody was supposed to touch anything until the court said so BUT as I used to say where there is a will there is a dead person who people want to steal from. They WANTED me to have that, They TOLD me this.... Put it in writing because it has caused way too many fights and estrangements in families and maybe that was what is going on now but it wasn't my family so I didn't know there was anything going on and I don't think my wife was aware either.

[tnd]

22 hours ago, John9 said:

she said the "crazy" one thinks that MIL should pay for a Memorial party for "family" who was never there and never called including cousins and it should be at my house. My Head EXPLODED when I heard this, I don't know these people, I have never met these people and it AIN'T happening let alone having MIL pay for it because IF there is any money probate is in charge now.

John9:  That's not only rude but insane!! I'd tell that one to take a long walk off a short pier! Seriously, I wouldn't think any more about it -or them. And if they bug you about it, say "Yeah, uh, not gonna happen!" I remember when my mother passed, she had specifically told me that she did not want a funeral, memorial or party. Nothing. I agreed to it. But my brother insisted that there be a funeral so he asked me for the names/numbers/addresses of her friends. Well, at the time of her death she didn't have many friends, only neighbors at her apartment and in passing. But nope, my brother just kept insisting. So I finally told him, FINE. YOU want a funeral or to throw a memorial, then go right ahead. Good luck locating her "friends". I was so darn ticked off. It was as if he didn't believe me...and look how he recently ended up treating me. Anyways, I wouldn't concern yourself with it and if the crazy one calls and insists, just tell her it ain't gonna happen. And if she still insists, then I'd tell her exactly what you think of her.  

[KayC]

23 hours ago, John9 said:

KayC,

This is why "everything" should be written out as to what to do if there is any chance of people crawling out from under their rocks looking for something. My wife's Aunts had issues when their parents died because it was a free for all even though nobody was supposed to touch anything until the court said so BUT as I used to say where there is a will there is a dead person who people want to steal from. They WANTED me to have that, They TOLD me this.... Put it in writing because it has caused way too many fights and estrangements in families and maybe that was what is going on now but it wasn't my family so I didn't know there was anything going on and I don't think my wife was aware either.

We didn't have this in my family because my mom (my dad died 32 years before) left EVERYTHING to her youngest son, us five girls "didn't count!"  There was very little left by the time the dementia care place was paid two years two months.  I didn't get my dad's portrait or the leather bag he gave my mom that had a deer on it (I was born on a deer hunting trip, the result of their love during this time), the family rocking chair did not go to my pregnant DIL even though my brother's kids were past that age and he had no grandchildren...never heard back from him on my mom's Bible.  Oh well, all of those "things" are remembered in my heart where no one can take them.

@tnd , if your brother was so darn close to your mom he'd have KNOWN who her friends were!  Love your response to him!

[John9]

16 hours ago, tnd said:

I wouldn't concern yourself with it and if the crazy one calls and insists, just tell her it ain't gonna happen. And if she still insists, then I'd tell her exactly what you think of her.  

tnd,

 I had just told the good sister the other day that I was done with them all because of how they "acted" and that I never said anything to them because of MIL. Now you are correct, leave me alone or I will not be nice about how I respond. I have said my wife was my constant and the reason I was able to control myself most of the time. I believe in "do whatever you want (if legal) just stay out of my business". That is one of the reasons "we" live where we do. I also told the good sister I expect that in the near future she will post on social media that I am the biggest piece of crap there is and I killed her sister because she has to be the center of attention. When my wife died she downright lied about my wife but I don't do the social media and won't be dragged into it. I did what I did and when I am judged that is when it matters. I never have to deal with them and at this time I won't and I know that isn't the way that we are supposed to be but I am not a saint and I can't be turning the other cheek anymore. My son said don't answer the phone and block her, I said I will wait and see.

[John9]

KayC,

This is my point and when "you" are grieving more than others, you aren't able to deal with the issues that may come up. As far as the politics of family, grudges real or perceived do have a habit of rearing up at the worst times and if your parents did something to dictate how things were handled it makes it harder. But hey if your own family can't treat you bad who can. This I believe is the whole situation I went through with MIL and her family, I never stuck my nose in her life "until" she moved into our home. I like to say that whatever happened to someone before I met them is what made them who they are (also after) and like I said about my wife that is what I LOVE(D) about her. So I don't know if there was issues in the family that are still lingering but MIL couldn't say and IF my wife knew of anything she never told me. You can pick your nose, but you can't pick your family but you CAN decide how to deal with them or not to deal with them as hard as it might be.

[KayC]

23 hours ago, John9 said:

But hey if your own family can't treat you bad who can.

Oh I get it!  Getting my fair share of horrid treatment from my sister that I've done literally everything for...BP was 198/87 this morning, BS showing the stress too.  Pulling way back, I have to think of myself now.  I'm no good to anyone dead.  My focus is Kodie, he gets me through what they call "life" now.

 

23 hours ago, John9 said:

You can pick your nose, but you can't pick your family but you CAN decide how to deal with them or not to deal with them as hard as it might be.

  Love this!

[John9]

Today is another not so good day, It is a Friday which means my wife should be here with me and now since MIL died I am sitting here alone except for my wife's cats who you would not know exist because they are always either sleeping or hiding. Anyway tomorrow is going to be a bad day for many reasons and I dread it. It is a Saturday (she died on a Saturday), it will be six months tomorrow AND it is my Birthday and all of this is just going to make me not want to get out of bed at all. I know this isn't good, but this is the way I am right now and she always tried so hard to make my Birthday special for me because that made HER happy. I just miss her so much and it hurts so much more when these triggers come around especially for the first time, I am not saying it will ever get easier if I live long enough to have to go through them again. I thought maybe God's plan for me was to care for MIL until she died and yet I am still here. It is and it isn't easier since MIL died because now there is no real "reason" for anything, I love my son but it isn't the same to be here for him as it was to be here for my EVERYTHING, my LOVE, my SOULMATE, my WORLD, my WIFE. I know this is probably nothing new for those who have been going through this for any length of time but it is still "new" for me and again it has been the longest 181 days since she died that I have ever experienced and each is still worse than the day before. Sorry to be so sad but.....I just want this to be over with.

[tnd]

8 minutes ago, John9 said:

It is a Saturday (she died on a Saturday), it will be six months tomorrow AND it is my Birthday and all of this is just going to make me not want to get out of bed at all. I know this isn't good, but this is the way I am right now and she always tried so hard to make my Birthday special for me because that made HER happy.

John9:  I'm sorry your wife isn't there to celebrate your birthday. Or any other time for that matter. Just when we are too full of pain we get hit with another wave of it. I do hope you will be able to get yourself out of bed to at least move around a little. I am finding that adding a little motion every couple of days to my routine helps. It helps with body aches and pain but also seems to have an effect on me emotionally. I still cry but not as hard or for as long. Nonetheless, I still cry and expect I always will. I don't think we can tell ourselves to stop crying and to stop grieving. Just not going to happen. And John, I've lost my purpose too. Really feel so lost and out of place now. But like you told me, first things first. So my focus right now is to keep adding a little more motion to my days and pray for my Widows Benefits so I can get my own place. Once I'm unpacked at my new place, then then I will begin the real work of figuring out how to live with grief and not having my husband here with me. And that's all I can really tell you, you just have to get through your Birthday tomorrow as best as you can and no matter how sad you feel, it is your grief to feel and no one else's. You have to deal with it how you see fit and in whatever ways that you are able to. Maybe this latest Petunia you found is a birthday message from your wife.  

[Gail 8588]

John9, 

I don't know what the experts say, but my feeling is for you to do whatever is least painful for you tomorrow. If that is staying in bed until 3 in the afternoon, so be it.  If going for a walk in the early morning sounds good, go for it.  

It is going to be a hard day whatever you do.  I'm sorry that there is no way to make it not hard. 

With your MIL gone, you don't even have that responsibility to distract you from the painful absence of your dear wife.  A lot of this grief processing is just meeting the pain straight on and getting through it. 

You have had so much responsibility for so long, it may actually feel good to cry all day tomorrow.  You don't have to squash down how you feel tomorrow to meet someone else's needs.  You can let it all loose or squash it down, as you feel is right. 

I'll be thinking of you tomorrow and sending hugs. 

Gail

 

[John9]

So, last night my son called me to tell me that "the good sister" is in the Hospital with extremely high Blood Pressure and they don't know why. This is not about me but it made it very hard on top of everything else since she was the one who was there for MIL and me and my son. I am still waiting to hear if any tests show the reason but I know the stress of what happened can't have been good for her either. I can only hope that she can be treated and this is nothing like what happened to my wife since it is her Aunt and therefore genetics might be at play here. I don't want to think negatively but after what has happened lately how can I not. I know that this is also part of whatever God has in store for any of us but this really is affecting my son mentally because she is really one of the only family that has been there and if something happens to her it won't be good for anyone me too. So I am up and now focusing on this instead of being in bed but I am now crying about more than before because of another "what if" situation that of course I have no control over but can't stop thinking about.

[steveb]

Hey John, I’m so very sorry to hear that.  I hope she gets well soon.  Thoughts and prayers heading your way. Please keep us updated.   Steve 

[Gail 8588]

John9, 

After my husband died, everytime a friend of ours was sick or had an accident, my mind jumped right to their dying.  It had been so unexpected to me that my darling would die, I couldn't help feeling everyone could just die at any moment. 

And I am at the age that several of our friends are dying, so that didn't help. 

It was hard for me not to blurt out my fears (that the person might die) which of course was not helpful.  So once again I had reason to withdraw from interacting with people. 

So many of our emotions are right at the surface. 

I pray the good sister gets the treatment she needs and returns to good health.  It would be a good Birthday present for you. 

Gail

 

[tnd]

John9:  Hope the good sister gets well quickly and gets to go home soon to rest. Things probably have been a bit much for her and it's taking it's toll. That's why we have to be careful and watch out for ourselves now. We have to take care of ourselves so we don't end up suffering more than we already do. That's what I'm trying to do. Just maintain until I can get my own place and then see what I need to do to rebuild/repair what's left of my life. Lord knows I don't need to make it harder on myself by letting my health slip. 

I know this birthday is not the sort you've ever had before, I'm sorry for that but I am not going to be sorry for saying, "Happy Birthday, John". It is still your birthday and I wish you well. It's a gesture. One definition of "gesture" is "to express an idea or meaning". Enjoy your wife's Petunias. Maybe put a picture of them in a frame and date it...for the first birthday without your wife but alas, she sent you Petunias.  

[LMR]

John9. I hope the good sister will recover soon.

I was reading this morning about the actor Richard E. Grant who recently lost his wife to cancer. When talking of her he said:

"It's an extraordinary phenomenon to be truly 'seen' and 'known' by another human being." He said it was her gift to him.

I think this is how we all feel. That only one person ever really knew us. 

I did nothing on my first birthday after his death. It didn't feel like it was different from any other day any more. It was no longer important. I know you will make it through John, you are stronger than you think.

Hugs

 

[John9]

tnd,

Thank you for the "wishes" and I know this isn't what any of us want, but sadly I can't help that my heart wants what it wants. I know she isn't here and I am not there but these "firsts" are just so hard on top of all else and I am so tired and wiped out that it just hurts so much. I spoke to someone the other day who said she was religious and I ask if she believed in signs and she said she did and asked me if the "signs" made me feel better and I said they did and she said that is what matters but I said that I am greedy and want more. This is not how it was supposed to be and that just makes me sadder and sadder.

[KayC]

John, hoping they get her BP down, that's what has scared me lately about dealing with my dementia sister, it raised my BP to critical stage!  

I know this feels an anticlimactic birthday, but do know we all wish we could make it better...

[John9]

LMR,

Thank you for the words of encouragement, I know I am stronger than I feel because otherwise I would already be dead and I am not being "funny". It is just that all of this is adding up and wearing my down more and more to the point that these new "firsts" are much worse than the ones before. I know that each one that I survive is a step forward. I am just not "whole" anymore and you are right today is no different than yesterday even though it is my birthday and now I am one year older officially except in the 6 months since she died I feel much much older.

[John9]

KayC,

Thank you for the words and the wishes. I hope all know that I am not "wanting" any acknowledgement of my birthday. I just felt I needed to state why today is so hard over the other hard days. These triggers are relentless and everywhere even the ones I know are coming. I am still waiting to hear what is going on because they were waiting for test results and of course it is Saturday and Covid is stressing the staff and......

[tnd]

On 9/11/2021 at 2:39 PM, John9 said:

I am just not "whole" anymore and you are right today is no different than yesterday even though it is my birthday

John9:  I don't feel whole anymore either. My better half is gone and the part of me that remains has to figure out a way to go forward. It's almost as if I've got to be two people now; one as an individual/single lost and confused person and the other who is grieving and missing her better half has to be carried. I'm praying for a lot of strength -for the both of us. I still need my own place to live so have that little distraction for now but I'm afraid once I do get a place and finally unpack, a huge wave of grief is going to hit me. So I get why you feel sadder and sadder. We can only do so much with our feelings right now. If we are feeling sad, then we are going to feel sad. I don't know how long we are going to be feeling like this or how long the waves will last but I'm aware of it. I'm expecting it. Just going to deal with each day as it comes. I think both you and I have been through so much with little to no help that it has made us stronger but then we feel bad if we have to admit to feeling sad, like it's a weakness -and it is not! So I'm just going to let it come and get it out when it does. Do as I feel. Hope you grab an oar now and start rowing too.