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He was my heart and now I don't know if I can go on.


Kthill623

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"Baxter" was rescued at 6 months and became my Dexter. My Dex, Dexy-boy, Little Prince, Prairie Dog, Co-pilot, everything.

He traveled with me, went on adventures with me; absorbed my anxiety and brought me so much comfort and peace. It seems people on here will know what I mean I say he. was. my. heart. He was perfect. He was my best friend, my angel, my child, whatever. He was mine, and made my life right. 

On April 16th, 2021, I was having a great day. Just completed my first week at a new job, and was loving the warm weather. We went on a walk & played at a park with my husband and his pup, and everything was amazing. Dex played, ran, explored, and had a wonderful time. We walked home and sat down in the living room. Suddenly, he made a noise and went into a spasm. His body seemed locked in a position and he was almost screaming. I was on the floor and had him in my arms in an instant. I pet him, shook him, screamed for my husband to call the emergency vet. But that was it. I knew it was. He went limp in my arms. My husband picked him up and we ran to the car; sped to the vet while I honked my horn at everyone to just move. I had to get him help. The vet took him immediately. They performed CPR for 25 minutes, but he never came back. He was gone; he had died in my arms 30 minutes prior. A "1 in 10,000" event the vet said; random heart failure the vet said. 

Dexter was 8 years old. Medium build, healthy, on all the right preventatives, and so full of life. So full of love. And now he is gone. I am angry, heartbroken, devastated, and lost. 

 

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Oh no I am so sorry to read about Dexter. How absolutely horrible. And just unfair. :( 

My cat died a sudden horrible death with the last two hours of his life at the emergency vet to no avail. I was in total shock for the first 48 hrs., didn't eat, could barely sleep, my brain literally couldn't process what happened. Then from there, went into deep sadness and the rollercoaster of grief. There was a dark veil over the world for a while.  

I wish I could write something to take away the pain for you. My image is always of a broken heart, after time it does heal but the crack is always there. And with as special as Dexter was to you, I imagine it will be the same. Just takes a lot of time and patience.       

 

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nothingness

I'm so sorry. I read your comment on my thread before seeing your story. It does sound like the same thing that happened to my baby. I'm so sorry you had to endure this too. An absolute nightmare. I could never even imagine something like this could happen. My dog was the spitting image of health. Never in a million years could I imagine something like this happening to him. His name was Hercules because he was a giant and made of pure muscle, full of energy, vibrant. I thought he was invincible.

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I am so sorry, I lost my husband to sudden unexpected death right after his 51st birthday, that was 16 years ago.  Nothing prepares you or consoles you.  It was shock, he was the picture of health, lean, muscular, 32" waist.  Heart.  He'd never been diagnosed although we figured out he'd had one prior and the doctor had been dismissive instead of sending him to a cardiologist as he should have.

My Arlie passed from cancer 8/16/19, even knowing ahead of time does not help, as I was in shock to learn he had it and lived with death every day since in anticipatory grief.  I tried to make his last days as comfortable as I could, I'd taken such good care of him.  I know how gypped you must feel, and you are.  I've learned you can't make sense out of the nonsensical.  I used to ask WHY! but never got any answers.  I quit asking.

It's the hardest thing in the world to adjust to, their not being here, they are our life!  Esp. since I'd already lost my sweet husband.  We (Arlie, Kitty, Miss Mocha, and I) were a family of four and now I'm the only one of us left.  My son brought me a puppy, I think he was afraid of what I'd do although I wasn't suicidal, still, the puppy saved me.  I've had him 1 1/2 years now, and don't know what I'd have done during Covid isolation, without Kodie.

I hope this brings you some comfort to think upon...

Comfort for Grieving Animal Lovers

 

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14 hours ago, nothingness said:

I'm so sorry. I read your comment on my thread before seeing your story. It does sound like the same thing that happened to my baby. I'm so sorry you had to endure this too. An absolute nightmare. I could never even imagine something like this could happen. My dog was the spitting image of health. Never in a million years could I imagine something like this happening to him. His name was Hercules because he was a giant and made of pure muscle, full of energy, vibrant. I thought he was invincible.

I believe "arrhythmia" was mentioned, but I had checked out at that point; I just know it was his heart; a type of heart attack. I try not to dwell on it, because regardless of what, he is gone. I'm actually seeing a grief counsellor to help process everything because I have been so angry the past couple of months. I wish you so much peace...I've felt like giving up, too, but there is too much to live for that is hard to see right now <3

40 minutes ago, KayC said:

I am so sorry, I lost my husband to sudden unexpected death right after his 51st birthday, that was 16 years ago.  Nothing prepares you or consoles you.  It was shock, he was the picture of health, lean, muscular, 32" waist.  Heart.  He'd never been diagnosed although we figured out he'd had one prior and the doctor had been dismissive instead of sending him to a cardiologist as he should have.

My Arlie passed from cancer 8/16/19, even knowing ahead of time does not help, as I was in shock to learn he had it and lived with death every day since in anticipatory grief.  I tried to make his last days as comfortable as I could, I'd taken such good care of him.  I know how gypped you must feel, and you are.  I've learned you can't make sense out of the nonsensical.  I used to ask WHY! but never got any answers.  I quit asking.

It's the hardest thing in the world to adjust to, their not being here, they are our life!  Esp. since I'd already lost my sweet husband.  We (Arlie, Kitty, Miss Mocha, and I) were a family of four and now I'm the only one of us left.  My son brought me a puppy, I think he was afraid of what I'd do although I wasn't suicidal, still, the puppy saved me.  I've had him 1 1/2 years now, and don't know what I'd have done during Covid isolation, without Kodie.

I hope this brings you some comfort to think upon...

Comfort for Grieving Animal Lovers

 

Thank you for this. Yes, the "why?" is the hardest part. He didn't deserve it. I'm so glad you've been able to move on and find a new little fur baby to love. In regards to losing your husband, I genuinely do not know how you got through that, but I am glad you did. 

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21 hours ago, AJWCat said:

Oh no I am so sorry to read about Dexter. How absolutely horrible. And just unfair. :( 

My cat died a sudden horrible death with the last two hours of his life at the emergency vet to no avail. I was in total shock for the first 48 hrs., didn't eat, could barely sleep, my brain literally couldn't process what happened. Then from there, went into deep sadness and the rollercoaster of grief. There was a dark veil over the world for a while.  

I wish I could write something to take away the pain for you. My image is always of a broken heart, after time it does heal but the crack is always there. And with as special as Dexter was to you, I imagine it will be the same. Just takes a lot of time and patience.       

 

I'm so sorry that you experienced a loss. Not being able to say "goodbye" has been hard...the shock was terrible. I hope the dark veil has lifted for you and thank you for your kind words. 

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nothingness
1 hour ago, Kthill623 said:

I believe "arrhythmia" was mentioned, but I had checked out at that point; I just know it was his heart; a type of heart attack. I try not to dwell on it, because regardless of what, he is gone. I'm actually seeing a grief counsellor to help process everything because I have been so angry the past couple of months.

I'm sorry you're going through this. To me, it doesn't matter what type of heart issue. The part that I think matters to me was that I was constantly questioning (and still am at times) if I didn't do enough. If I didn't do CPR well enough. Things like that. The Dr at the Emergency Vet clinic (it was Sunday, naturally, things only happen when my vet is closed) seemed very certain that it was an arrhythmia and said that even if it happened there at the clinic, it is extremely rare that they'd be able to save them when this happens. I'm not sure if it's different for a heart attack or another heart issue? That part didn't matter to me. The part that I guess "helps" (if we can use that term although nothing really helps) is the part where he said even they wouldn't have been able to save him, even if he was there when it happened.

Then, I contacted my vet's office and spoke to one of the women who works there but isn't a vet but also happens to do some grief counseling. I explained it to her and she said the same thing. Without me asking, she said that even when it happens at the vet's office, they can't save them when this happens.

Then, a few days later, I spoke to my personal vet. Again, I described it to her and without asking, she again stated that when this happens, they can't even save them. She went so far as to tell me that one of her own personal dogs died last year the same way, right in front of her. And even as a vet, and even though she has equipment at her home like oxygen, even she couldn't save her own personal dog. I don't want to say that this "helps" to hear but I guess it helps with the guilt side of things. The "what if I didn't do enough" or "maybe I should have done this or that" type things. Like, after the fact I was thinking I should have taken him to the fire dept instead of the emergency vet because the fire dept is right around the corner and the emergency vet was over 20 min away (even running red lights) and there was no way he'd make it that far.

It sounds like your experience is inline with everything I've heard. It sounds like you were able to get to the vet quickly and they spent a lot of time trying to revive him and couldn't. I don't know if you take any solace in knowing they tried hard but that nothing could be done. That it wasn't an issue of not doing enough. I know that's a big part of what I struggle with. That and the fact that he was so perfectly healthy and it was so extremely sudden and unexpected.

I'm glad you found a grief counselor. I found one too, and a pet grief group. I think it helps to be able to talk to people who understand.

 

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1 hour ago, nothingness said:

I'm sorry you're going through this. To me, it doesn't matter what type of heart issue. The part that I think matters to me was that I was constantly questioning (and still am at times) if I didn't do enough. If I didn't do CPR well enough. Things like that. The Dr at the Emergency Vet clinic (it was Sunday, naturally, things only happen when my vet is closed) seemed very certain that it was an arrhythmia and said that even if it happened there at the clinic, it is extremely rare that they'd be able to save them when this happens. I'm not sure if it's different for a heart attack or another heart issue? That part didn't matter to me. The part that I guess "helps" (if we can use that term although nothing really helps) is the part where he said even they wouldn't have been able to save him, even if he was there when it happened.

Then, I contacted my vet's office and spoke to one of the women who works there but isn't a vet but also happens to do some grief counseling. I explained it to her and she said the same thing. Without me asking, she said that even when it happens at the vet's office, they can't save them when this happens.

Then, a few days later, I spoke to my personal vet. Again, I described it to her and without asking, she again stated that when this happens, they can't even save them. She went so far as to tell me that one of her own personal dogs died last year the same way, right in front of her. And even as a vet, and even though she has equipment at her home like oxygen, even she couldn't save her own personal dog. I don't want to say that this "helps" to hear but I guess it helps with the guilt side of things. The "what if I didn't do enough" or "maybe I should have done this or that" type things. Like, after the fact I was thinking I should have taken him to the fire dept instead of the emergency vet because the fire dept is right around the corner and the emergency vet was over 20 min away (even running red lights) and there was no way he'd make it that far.

It sounds like your experience is inline with everything I've heard. It sounds like you were able to get to the vet quickly and they spent a lot of time trying to revive him and couldn't. I don't know if you take any solace in knowing they tried hard but that nothing could be done. That it wasn't an issue of not doing enough. I know that's a big part of what I struggle with. That and the fact that he was so perfectly healthy and it was so extremely sudden and unexpected.

I'm glad you found a grief counselor. I found one too, and a pet grief group. I think it helps to be able to talk to people who understand.

 

Your words means quite a lot to me right now. It does help in a way. Knowing I couldn't do anything is both comforting and terrifying; but ultimately, I am glad I was there with him at the end. 

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We don't "move on" ever!  We can and do learn to live with the changes it means for our lives, although it takes much time and effort.  It's been 16 years since I lost my husband and nearly two since I lost Arlie and 1 1/2 since losing Kitty.  Meanwhile I also lost my mom and sister and many other losses over the years.

19 hours ago, nothingness said:

I don't know if you take any solace in knowing they tried hard but that nothing could be done. That it wasn't an issue of not doing enough.

Yes, I do hope you find peace & comfort in this.

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@Kthill623 My deepest sympathies to you and your husband. May your sweet Dexter rest in peace. Life is so cruel, it's unthinkable that a wonderful day can turn so horrific in the blink of an eye.

I lost my boy Tyson last Saturday. From the day he was diagnosed to the day he died, his condition worsened very quickly. It all happened so fast, it leaves you spinning and numb.

I hope you can find some way to heal your pain when the time is right. Take care of yourself. 

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