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How do I heal if my husband won't let me


Tifmad11

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I lost my aunt on Mother's Day 2015. I went into the back room of our home, where she was staying to wake her up, but she didn't wake up. The rest of the day is pretty much a blur. She had only moved in with us 4 days before. My aunt was one of the most important people in my life. What I do remember is after the paramedics called her time of death, I collapsed. I screamed that they were wrong. I called my mother and uncle, her sister and brother. Sometime during this someone had sent my children to the neighbors house. When my children came home after everyone else was gone and they had taken her body to the funeral home in the next town over, I felt extremely overwhelmed and unable to cope with life right then. So I told my husband I was going for a drive. And I did. I turned off my cell phone because I didn't want everyone calling and asking if I was okay or when I was coming home. I drove for hours. I didn't leave our town. I just drove the same streets over and over again. Sometimes I pulled over because I was crying to hard to see the road. I drove around all night. Shopping has always been my thing to do when I felt depressed. So when the sun came up, I tried going into 2 different stores to shop. But I just couldn't be around all of the people so I drove more. And the. I went home and slept for a long time. After that I didn't leave my house for 3 1/2 months. My husband had a tendency to say not so nice things to me about my grief. And my aunt. We don't know exactly what had taken her life because there was no autopsy. But she had a massive heart attack weeks before she passed away. My husband would say things to me like "that (not nice word starting with a b) killed herself and ruined our family". Now after 6 years he has started accusing me of cheating and insists that he is not stupid and knows that I was with another man getting sympathy from him and not driving around alone the night she passed away. He also says things to me like "your aunt and dad (who passed away in 2018) would be so disappointed in you" and other mean things. Also, I wasn't able to be with my dad when he passed. But I did video chat with him the day before he passed, while he was in the hospital bed. We knew my dad was being taken off of life support that day and he assured me that he wasn't scared. My husband spent the day outside with his friend and was still with his friend when my dad passed. When he finally decided to come inside and be with me, I wanted nothing to do with it and locked him out of our bedroom so I could be alone. The next day he said to me "go suck your dead dad's (I'm sure you can fill in the rest). He has apologized about what he said about my dad but refuses that he is in anyway preventing me from heal from the loss of my aunt and father. And insists that he has been here for me through it all. My biggest question is, is it normal that I left and drove around all night alone the night my aunt died? Was it wrong of me and does he have reason to believe I cheated because I turned my phone off and didn't come home until morning? 

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Dear Tifmad11,

Please know there are lots of supports in the community and through church. I hope you will find a trusted friend or family member or therapist to talk to about everything that has happened.

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Wow! I am just now reading your story and I hope things have improved for you! Your husband sounds narcissistic and that can be maddening. I do not see anything you did wrong in these situations. Hugs!!

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