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Wish I died with her


MissingLucy

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MissingLucy

I took her home at just over 8 week old, as a rescue pup. She went everywhere with me. She was black all over, Labrador mixed with Springer Spaniel and Border Collie. She looked like a small black Labrador. Traits from the other breeds were evident but Lab was most prominent. Lucy. My best friend. Soul mate. If there are such things, she was it. 

Some weeks ago, she started to become fussy with her food. She was 15 years old, to be 16 in November. I figured she'd earned the right to be a little picky at her age. The only ailments she had was a little stiffness - she was on the best supplements and they really worked well for her - and vestibular disease. She had one moderately severe attack some time ago and wobbles every now and then. She had several lipomas, but vet was happy they were just that - lipomas (fatty lumps). Two weeks ago her drinking increased to the point I got concerned and I couldn't get her to eat. For a Lab, that's a definite sign there's an issue. Especially when she turned her nose up at chicken. She was also falling over a lot.

We took some blood. Results came back with CKD. Stage 3/4. Antibiotics for the diarrhoea that had just started up, phosphate binder. I bought some renal food, just in cse I could get that into her. A week on from that and she had deteriorated. Couple days on from that and she was worse again. She went to sleep for the final time yesterday, at 17:15 (BST).

I wish I had gone with her. I'm lost. Haven't eaten properly in a week. Can't sleep. All her stuff is still out. Beds, blankets, bowls, treats. I'm wrapped in her blanket from her chair, sobbing as I type. She's not here, so I don't want to be. My life revolved around her. For almost 16 years. I loved her with every fibre of my being. She followed me everywhere. I would have done anything for her. I don't know how to go on without her in my life. I don't want to. 

I'm not sure what the purpose was of the post. Perhaps just for others to know how special she was - is. And always will be.

I've read some lovely poems about the Rainbow Bridge. I'd love to think she's there waiting for me. But I'm an atheist, I don't believe. Makes this so much more difficult. 

I wish I died with her. My Lucy.

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nothingness

I'm so so sorry about your baby. I'm crying reading your story. I'm about 6 weeks into this same hell. I feel the same way, I don't see how I'm supposed to go on or why I'd want to. I sleep with my baby's blanket and favorite new toy that he got for Christmas and his collar. I wear his dog tag on a necklace and never take it off. The rest of his toys are still exactly where he left them. I haven't moved anything. His beds are still in my bedroom and office. I lay in his bed daily and cry.

I'm also an atheist. I'm having a hard time understanding what the point of life is. Anyway, I don't want to hijack your thread with my negativity. I hope someone who is in a better state of mind can come along and offer something more insightful. I just want to say that I'm very sorry for your loss and I understand your grief and I feel for you and for your baby.

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MissingLucy

Thank you @nothingness, I appreciate it. I'm so sorry for your loss too. And the fact that you're still in so much pain. I wish that I had something I could say...I do wish solace for you.

It's 03.17 here (assuming you're not in the UK) and I'm in bed and have her blanket from her chair. Hugging it. Her collar is under my pillow. Her tag will go on my necklace. Her bed is still beside my bed and there is still a water bowl in my room, with water in it. I can't bear to move any of it. 

I've hardly done anything today. I just can't face anything. I don't want to see anyone or do anything. I just want to be with my girl. This is crippling.

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nothingness

Take time to grieve. Don't let anyone pressure you into doing things. I refuse to be around people or go anywhere. I took the first week off. I've logged in since then but haven't really done much work. I avoid talking to people whenever possible and I'm extremely careful about who I tell as I had the most insensitive comments thrown at me repeatedly and can't deal with it anymore. I started making a scrapbook for him. I purchased a book on amazon that is a scrapbook for dogs with all different areas to fill out about his first time doing this or that and favorite things, etc. I have been working on that when I can and printing out pictures to put in it. I also ordered a couple large framed prints from shutterfly and hung them in my room. I don't know what else to do. I live alone. I have no kids and no other pets. I have worked from home for 10 years so he was literally with me 24/7 the entire 7 years and 4 months I had him. How am I supposed to go from having someone follow in every step I took, every single day, to an empty house? Everything is so empty now.

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MissingLucy

I've hardly spoken to anyone for them to pressure me on to anything to be honest. I'm back at work Monday though. Only started this job Wednesday so will have to put a game face on until I can let it all out again. 

I'm so sorry to hear about the insensitivity. Not what you need. Just another reason to prefer animals.

Scrapbooking is a good idea. I'm getting my girl back and have seen a necklace that carries a smidge of them in it. Maybe it's too morbid for some. But she's be right next to me then.

Likewise, I worked at home for almost 18 months, during the pandemic. This was so good for Lucy. And me. Always being there for her. It's so empty  I loved being home with her. Really don't know how to do this but though 

X

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I am so sorry for your immense loss.  I called my Arlie my soulmate and best friend, he was my companion and I lived for him.  I lost him nearly two years ago.  I don't know what I'd do without the hope of seeing him again.  A person needn't be religious to be open to the possibility of maybe just maybe there's something we don't know...it helps to expand your mind by watching videos of other galaxies and beyond.  When we see how vast it is, how little we know when it comes to the grand scheme of things, it helps us to realize there's a lot we can't definitively say.  That can keep a spark of hope alive that perhaps we WILL reunite in some way.  I feel Arlie and I were meant to be together, from the moment I laid eyes on his beautiful smile in the newspaper, I knew he had to be mine, and he was my perfect dog.  We didn't get as long as you, he was just under a year when I got him, and I got to have him 10 1/2 years.  He had acute chronic Colitis lifelong, so I cooked for him as he couldn't tolerate antibiotics or even the Rx dogfoods the vets prescribed.  He could have half his diet in Nature's Domain dry fish, no gluten or filler.  I'd get up at 4 am to make a batch of homemade dogfood for him, gave him probios, supplements.  I'd do it all over again.  We walked together every morning and every night.  I miss him so much.

It takes time to process our grief, it's very hard.  It helps to do something to honor them.  I painted rocks that would be meaningful to him to put on his grave, one is our pickup (I called it Arlie's pickup and I haven't driven it since except once a month down the street to keep it going) with the word "go" on it, one is a dog bone with the word "treat on it" and another is I image.png.8e97c9f0fb6f9794ac6ac52eeb212d9f.png you

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MissingLucy

@KayC Thank you - for taking the time, and also for giving me the possibility that maybe I will get to be with her again, even though I don't have a religion to cling to. Honestly, thank you.

After almost two full days of hugging her blanket and crying nonstop, I have cleared up her things and  put away the ones I'm keeping. Her bowls, special toys, her bed, her lead. Her collar is under my pillow. I need to give her food and treats away or they will spoil. My house is small but it's so empty. I do plan to have a tattoo, once I've settled on something, in her memory, in her honour.

I have work in 16 hours. They gave me Friday off to spend with her before the appointment. I only started on Wednesday. I'm not sure how I'll cope when all I can think of is my girl. I wish I went with her.

Thank you again. I'm really sorry for your loss also. That you are here helping others like me is really something else.

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MissingLucy

Was back at work today. World keeps turning, keeps going. Almost as though the biggest part of my world hasn't left. I put the brave face on, did my job. My voice is hoarse though. Coming home was horrible. No need to go to my mother's and pick her up. She's not there. House is empty and cold. Not temperature cold, but the cold of no-dog. I feel empty. Like the lights went out. 

The other half will probably want to video chat tonight as we don't live together. I don't want to. I'm not sure if that says anything significant or just a symptom of the grief. 

I wish I went with her.

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On 6/27/2021 at 9:12 AM, MissingLucy said:

also for giving me the possibility that maybe I will get to be with her again, even though I don't have a religion to cling to.

My mom was a bible thumper (thankfully not until I was grown) and used to gleefully tell me animals don't have souls and we won't see them again.  It would anger me!  I am a Christian but do not ascribe to her thinking, nor do I find it in the Bible.  The Bible describes faith as being the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things unseen.  I love that description and think Webster should adopt it!  I don't know if it was a saying back in that time or where it originated from, but in my mind, it's spot on!  So I hold faith that I will see my beloved Arlie, Kitty, Miss Mocha, and many others someday (I've lost 24 dogs and cats over the years).

So hard to go to work after losing your beloved family member!  So many do not realize how close we are to them, unless they too are pet lovers.  It is a disenfranchised grief in our culture, for sure.

https://www.socialworker.com/feature-articles/practice/disenfranchised-grief-when-grief-and-grievers-are-unrecogniz/

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MissingLucy

@KayC That is a nice way to view faith, I agree.

I can't however, look at things that way. I wish I could. For instance: "In particular, nothing that’s both “inspiring” and verifiable seems to suddenly leave the body when we die, materially or energetically. " 

(https://www.askamathematician.com/2012/11/q-if-energy-is-neither-created-nor-destroyed-what-happens-to-the-energy-within-our-bodies-and-brains-when-we-die/)

I'm finding it really difficult to think of her waiting for me somewhere. I wish that were the case. I'd love to think so. I definitely don't want to dissuade others of their thoughts and faith. I'm just really struggling to get on board with it, no matter how much I want to believe it.

I was a vet nurse (vet tech) for several years and saw many animals pass in that time. Nothing in that time ever made me feel like their owners would see them again. I've had several dogs, a couple horses, rabbits, rats....I'm an animal lover right through. It would be an indescribable bliss for me to spend eternity with my beloved animals. Especially Lucy. I really want to believe.

I'm so sorry if this comes across as my trying to negate your faith or something - I'm certainly not trying to do such a thing. I guess...I guess I'm just really struggling.

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I understand.  I have a sister who views life through a rose colored filter, I wish I could be more that way but I'm a realist.  But then her failure to address things drives me nuts, we are total opposites!

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MissingLucy

I can imagine. Would drive me crackers too.

 

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KeyLimePie1

Hello,

I am so sorry to read of your loss of your dear Lucy. She was a very special dog and she was lucky to have a wonderful owner such as you to give her the life you did.

I am on here because my mum passed away about a month ago, but me and mum could also relate so much to the impact of a loss of a pet. So I just wanted to comment using my own experience to hopefully be of help to you or anyone else.

I’ve always lived with my mum up to her passing recently.  Two year ago we lost our beloved pet Cat Bob after 14 and a half years. He had not been well for some time, but when he passed it was still a shock and very sudden.

That same day before Bob fell seriously ill, he was eating, he scratched my bedroom door in the morning to come in and see me as usual. Later that afternoon, he suffered a stroke, and mum had to make the devastating decision to agree for him to put to sleep. I remember her walking down the driveway with the cat carrier, but I didn’t see if he was still inside. I remember dreading the door opening as I had that instinctive feeling I knew he had gone.

She came in, and said, he’s gone. We were devastated. For the next few nights,?me and mum both cuddled all night long sobbing. I went to work the following day, sobbing all day in the office in front of everybody. I’m sure wondered what was wrong with me. 

If mum could write this post she would agree with me (but I’ll have to write on her behalf) - it takes time to grieve and she always believed losing a pet was like losing a member of the family. I also agree. Animals can connect with us in ways that many human beings sometimes don’t. All they want is feeding, a bit of playing, some attention. In return they show a form of unconditional love akin to how our parents do. In fact I would argue that now my mum is not here, the only being that lives me unconditionally now is our current pet Cat Leo. And I have a responsibility to look after him like she would.

Clearly the grief is still raw - and we vowed not to get another Cat again after Bob passed. We both couldn’t take that kind of pain and grief anymore. Later that week, mum went to the local shop and got talking to the shop owners who had seen kittens for sale on Facebook. Mum and I thought it was too soon initially, until she saw the picture of this small Ginger ball of fluff hiding in the corner of a cardboard box looking a bit scared, and looking like he needed a good home. This was Leo.

Mum told me about him while I was at work. Initially I said it was too soon, until she text me the photograph of him. And I had a thought - “when we took Bob on he was rescued from a shed. We gave him a good life and had many happy times with him. There’s another cat out there that needs that seem chance, that same love and attention Bob had. I feel it’s my duty while I’m here to give animals good lives as long as we can have them. Not everyone looks after their animals, and Bob would want us to be happy. He can never be replaced, he was unique and special in his own way. But he has given up his space for another Cat to have that same chance he had”. 

And the above related to my next point. When the time is right for you, my best advice I can give is to consider doing what we did - but I stress, only when the time is right for you. It might be a year or two down the line before you even give it a thought. You have to deal with your grief in your own time. Taking on another Pet never replaces the previous pets we have - they can’t do that. It would be the wrong reason to get one. Nothing or nobody replaces any kind of loss. Each loss is unique, that being was special in their own way. However, taking Leo on healed our hearts slightly, and we put that love, care and attention into looking after him because he needed it like Bob did when we first got him. I still thought about Bob everyday, I may even scatter his ashes with my mums when we come to do that. I know when his time passed, he gave up his space for another cat to be cared for like he was. That’s the way I try to think of it.

I’ve got Leo now, he’s 2 year old and me and mum spent two happy years with him before mum recently passed. Now I am on my own in our house, I am going to need him more than ever. Mum wants me to look after him.

I hope you are doing as well as you can be. It doesn’t ease the loss but I hope this makes you feel a bit less alone in your grief, even though your grief is unique to you. I’m open to chat anytime on here or if you like, you can always Inbox me. Take care and look after yourself.

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Thank you for sharing that.  It means all the more knowing you KNOW what you're talking about because you've lived it too.

My son brought me Kodie a few months after Arlie died, I don't know what I'd do without him.  He does not replace Arlie or Kitty, instead he created his own wiggly spot in my heart and life, and literally saved me during this social isolation.
Getting another Pet

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MissingLucy

@GribbleMC1 Thank you for your post - I really appreciate you sharing so much. I'm so sorry for your loss too. You've been through so much.

I guess part of my reasoning in coming on here in the first place was to not feel so alone. All of you that have commented on here have helped. 

Driving home from work today, there seemed to be a huge number of people out walking their dogs, as if they knew. "Look what we have and you don't". Of course, that's not the case & I'm just super sensitive to it right now. Then my exceptionally empty house when I got home.

I miss her so much. I'm on autopilot most of the time. I seem to wake up (if I manage to sleep) at 03:30 every morning. I feel like I must be so weak or there must be something wrong with me to have such an attachment to my dog. But she really was my best friend; she knew me better than anyone ever has. She was constant, unflinching, devoted. As I was to her.

I've had several well-wishers in day to day life suggest adopting a dog, whether that be soon or later. I worry actually that I'll be crippled with fear over the inevitable grief, unable to love the dog fully, properly. It's doubtful as I'm an animal lover through and through. But losing Lucy has shaken me to my core. There will never be another Lucy and I get that. I would never want to try and replace her. She was too special. But what if I'm gripped with fear of losing the next dog in my life?

Maybe I should just wait until it's my time....see if there really is a rainbow bridge, see if my girl is there. I really hope that there is, that she is.

 

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Sunnydaysaregone

I’m three months into this hell. My fur baby, my perfect boy, passed on 3 months ago and i still wish I’d died too. I’d lost family and friends before but it never hurt like this. Life went on, it was sad but i got over it. When my precious boy went, i felt as if the world should have stopped even if just for a moment. I finally understood what the poets and bleeding hearts were on about. The world shouldn’t have moved forward. How can I possibly keep going without him? I have a wife and another boy. I live only because they need me. But he’s not perfect and somedays i find myself wishing it had been him instead. But that isn’t fair. He’s only 3. And he misses him just as much if not more. I wish I’d had Sunny since he was as young as his brother was when we adopted him. But Sunny was already 7 when i adopted him. He lived to be 15. Our anniversary was only a few weeks away when he died. I’m sorry. I don’t want to make you sadder but i dont feel like i should tell my wife this. I feel like that will put her in more pain. I don’t want that. I think i cry enough for the both of us (in secret). 

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MissingLucy

@Sunnydaysaregonethank you for sharing. No need to apologise; it's kind of a relief to know I'm not alone in this pain, though I am so sorry that you're feeling it too.

Today is day nine for me. Still on autopilot, lights are not back on yet. Haven't video-called with the other half in -well, since before I lost my girl. I barely even message him. He has the nerve to tell me he's hurting 'as much as me' - not even close. He was around for the last two years. She was my best friend for all 15+ years of her life. And then I get 'you really should try to....' etc. Don't get me wrong, he's a fantastic guy. I'm just super sensitive I guess. I've lost interest in everything. Everything & everyone.

I talk to her, all the time. Still tell her everything. She was the only one I could talk to for a long time and I carried that on throughout her life, we would always 'chat' when sitting having snuggles at night. Now of course, it's just her memory I'm talking to. I miss her so much there's just a big void in my life where she was. I don't want to fill it with other things, it's her space.

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I am so sorry to read about Lucy. 

10 days is still early (at least it was for me) in terms of the whole grieving process. I was on "autopilot" for some time (and true shock for the first 48 hours.)

My husband was absolutely as devastated as I was when we suddenly lost our cat, but we did have different outward expressions. I couldn't "pretend" life was okay and he did. He'd bring up some topic and I 'd think to myself, "Our sweet cat is gone, I don't care about this. How can you?" But I tried to just remember he was dealing the way he needed to which was to be strong. While I just constantly broke down.

I wish I could say more to ease your pain, there's nothing but time to heal us. Hang in there.  

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MissingLucy

@AJWCat thank you. I know it's early days. But it's when my SO comes out with 'helpful' things like telling me I should do this or that...he says the misery is a feedback loop. He's probably right. But I don't want to watch TV or movies. I don't want to talk about mundane shite. I have no interest - I lost my best friend dammit. Why is he even bothered about that stuff if he's 'hurting just as much' as me. I know he's trying to help, but it really doesn't. Not at all. He didn't know Lucy nearly as long, nor have the same relationship with her. Must make me sound like such an awful person. I know he loved her.

Sorry for your loss too. How did you get out of autopilot? Was it gradual or did something just click?

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10 hours ago, Sunnydaysaregone said:

I’d lost family and friends before but it never hurt like this.

The only loss I've suffered that hurt as bad as my Arlie was my husband George 16 years ago.  We really can't compare losses as they're all unique but those two were definitely the two most hard hitting, both were part of my everyday life and perfect for me.  But I don't want to do a disservice to all of the other animals I've lost over the years because they were all hard in their own way, some stand out more, I have been very very close to the ones I've lived with since I've been alone.  Arlie, Kitty, Miss Mocha and I were a family and now they're all gone.  My son brought me Kodie and now it's him and me and I can't imagine losing him now that I've had him 1 1/2 years.

1 hour ago, MissingLucy said:

How did you get out of autopilot? Was it gradual or did something just click?

With me nothing "clicked" so I'd say gradual but OMG it took much time!  I STILL miss him tremendously!  One never replaces another, we love them for their uniqueness and they carried that with them.

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MissingLucy

Thank you @KayC I figured it'd likely be a gradual thing.

Over the last couple of days I've been so torn up over some specific feelings I've been having. I miss my Lucy. I miss the presence of a dog. The thoughts of getting another are hovering in the background and I feel so guilty for even thinking of it. For several months I couldn't walk Lucy much due to her back legs. I miss the hikes we used to go on. We used to go running together when she was young. Now, I'm seriously overweight and horrendously unfit. So again, thoughts of another dog creep in and I feel awful.

I work full time too. Another dog would likely need to go to my mother's during the day (this is what Lucy did) which would be unfair to my aging mother if I took on a young dog, or doggy day care. More guilty feelings. Maybe I'm just not meant to own another dog? 

Am I thinking of this because I miss her so much? Surely it's too soon to even be thinking such thoughts? How disloyal of me. 

Sorry for musing aloud here...I don't feel like I can talk about this to my other half or mother as they think I won't be ready for another dog for months and make me feel guilty for even thinking of it 

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nothingness

@MissingLucy

If you are interested in a dog but unsure of commitment, you might consider fostering a dog for awhile. I did this after I lost my previous dog, 8 years ago. While I had him, I had done a lot of fostering. After he passed, I suddenly was in an empty house for the first time in my life. I couldn't stand it. I somehow ended up with a foster dog named Bullet. He was a 100lb German Shepherd and his dad/owner died. Then his remaining family (wife) didn't want him and gave him up. Then he had 2 knee replacements. He was so extremely traumatized. He would just lay down and hold his baby doll in his mouth. And I was extremely traumatized by the loss of my baby whom I'd had for 12.5 yrs. We were a perfect match for each other. We helped each other through our grief. I didn't keep him but we kept each other company while he healed from his surgeries. But 6 months after my baby passed, I went to the APL in search of another random foster dog one day. Through a random series of strange coincidences, I ended up with my next permanent dog, Hercules, who just passed after I had him 7.5 yrs. He was the perfect dog and it's sheer coincidence that I ended up finding him. I had no intention of getting a dog that day and actually turned him down because he was on the adoption floor and I was only there for a foster and didn't feel ready for a dog. But a few days later, they called me and said they considered him "un-adoptable" and wanted to know if I was still interested in him. They gave him to me. He turned out to be the most amazing dog.

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22 hours ago, MissingLucy said:

The thoughts of getting another are hovering in the background and I feel so guilty for even thinking of i

Please don't do this to yourself!  It's natural to want a dog, does NOT replace her, never would!  But it's hard to be alone.  You can be sure that where our dogs are they are not alone and miserable as we have been...they are at peace and enjoying life and lots of company, AND we will see them again!  This is temporary here, but where we're going, that's our permanent residence and no more sorrow, no more pain!  Enjoy what you can here.  (MY beliefs, even if they differ from yours)

I am VERY glad I got Kodie!  Even while grieving Arlie, it was amazing the little guy didn't give up in the beginning, I mean, I loved him but not like my Arlie.  But that's the thing I've noticed, he's wriggled his way into my heart and I adore him!  It is a totally different relationship than I had with Arlie, the one I considered my soulmate in a dog, my companion and best friend, my perfect dog.  And he was, no doubt about it.  There's things I wish were different with Kodie, he's a digger so I can't just let him outside without supervision.  He doesn't come when I call him, he's got a huge mind of his own, more than any dog I've ever owned (ten in all).  BUT he's always with me and is so loving and sweet and adorable!  And he's wonderful company, and I love him with all my heart.  That's how it is, and it doesn't detract one bit from my love for Arlie...and Arlie knows that.  He KNOWS I love him with all my being!  How can that be?  The same way we love our kids.  One does not lessen the love of the other, it's not like division and you have less to go around.
How Long Before Adopting Another?
Getting another Pet

There are options...I had a pen built and a roof put on it, doghouse made, bought toys, eventually had a fence put up.  Arlie was in it when I went to work.  I also hired a teenage girl to feed him when I had to be gone overnight.  I can't leave Kodie in it because he can dig out and he's small so something fatal could happen to him if he got loose.  Arlie never left the street if he perchance got loose and had a dog friend/neighbor that he'd go to if he did get out, so I was lucky.  Kodie's been attacked by big dogs twice in his litttle life so far so the mere thought sends me into a panic!

There's also doggie daycares some places.  I loved working from home when I could!

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KeyLimePie1

Hello, I hope you are doing as well as you can be. I just wanted to echo the comments of @KayC

I will stress you can only make any decisions regarding fostering or taking on a new pet, when you are ready to do it. It's a personal choice and it's different for everyone. We took our current cat on five weeks after we lost our previous one. Some people would think that's too soon - but we were ready because we wanted to give our love to another animal that needed it. What motivated me was the thought that whilst the majority of animals go to good homes, there are sadly some that don't get that same level of care. All I could think was that if we hadn't taken this cat on, he might not have gone to a good home and that made me sad. So for that reason, we wanted to give him a chance.

That's the whole point of taking on a new pet - it's not to replace the friend you've lost. It's just a way of healing yourself because you know animals are clever, and Lucy would have known if you were sad about anything. Lucy will be looking down now, barking and saying "please try your best to be happy and do what you need to do to heal yourself". She still loves you, and will not think bad of you if you did decide to take on a new pet. But of course, you can only do this when the time is right for you. Please do not feel guilty for having the thoughts. 

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MissingLucy

@nothingness , @KayC and @GribbleMC1 - thank you all so much. I really did need to read all that.

My mother is laying the guilt on hard though, telling me I definitely shouldn't get another as I'm at work all day (she doesn't believe in doggy day care) and so it would be unfair on the dog. Even my other half seems to think now is not the right time. It's like I'm having all these opinions thrown at me.

I really appreciate you all taking the time to write though. I do feel better for wanting a canine in my life.

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KeyLimePie1

@MissingLucy No problem whatsoever - always here to chat whenever. 

As I say, it has to be when the time is right for you, that is totally understandable. You have to go at your own pace and come to terms with your grief for Lucy.

I would just say that never rule out finding another pet to love again - it's definitely what Lucy would want and I know from writing on here that you would have the same love that you do for her. You don't love other pets any more than your previous ones, but you can love them exactly the same given time. That's not a bad thing. All animals are wonderful creatures and they all deserve that care, that solid base of a home, and the love that we can provide.

Look after yourself and remember, we're always here to talk whenever.

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MissingLucy

Thank you.

I think the other half is right that it's probably not the right time. My world is just so empty and I think I just want to fill it, preferably with something canine shaped. It's like my life just came to a standstill. Aside from work, I do nothing. Browse Reddit, on here, get my groceries online. That's it. That's my life. 

Is it normal to feel kind of annoyed with a significant other? We don't live together; he lives with his grandmother. She broke her hip recently so he's been looking after her. Meant that he couldn't just come down and be with me when I lost my girl. To be honest, I don't know if I would have wanted him to. I was such a mess. And now...every time he says anything that is remotely in disagreement with me, I just switch off. We haven't hung out over Skype since before I lost her. Is it me? Am I just less tolerant right now? Or am I just being a complete bitch to him? I feel like I don't know which way is up

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KeyLimePie1

No problem at all. I can totally empathise with you here, my lifestyle isn't too dissimilar at the moment. I have been signed off work since my mum passed away just over a month ago. It's rinse and repeat everyday, I don't tend to sleep at night and sleep mostly during the day. I am in a bad routine, but I am not in a mood to see people. Friends are well meaning but they haven't been through the loss of a parent yet, so none of them understand what losing your mum is like.

I think some of them expect me to be firing on all cylinders again, but I can't pretend. I am still learning myself, but I feel like I have to handle my grief at my own pace and this is what I tell my friends and close family. My sister comes to see me most days, and she is concerned about me, but I am not resorting to any bad habits like heavy drinking, and I am not doing anything destructive, so I don't think I'm doing that badly. I haven't completely gone off the rails, I just don't have time or energy to do anything or see anyone. Admittedly I've lost interest in most things I like, particularly Football which is a huge passion of mine but I've no interest it in at the moment.

If my mum was here now she would say to anyone in your situation that 'losing a pet really is like losing a member of the family'. She understood and I definitely understand, I feel your pain. When we lost our previous cat it really hit mum hard. She had a personal connection with him because when she split with my dad when I was younger, she moved into a flat on her own and got the cat to keep her company. He was there through some other traumatic experiences she had to deal with. So there were lots of personal connections. When Bob passed two year ago, it really did hit her hard as it did me too.

Please don't be hard on yourself, you are not bad for thinking or feeling any way that you are. You are simply human, you're allowed to go through the cycle of feelings of sadness, emptiness, anger and frustration. This does not make you a bad person, this makes you a human being. Just be kind to yourself and if you need that space to deal with your feelings, give yourself that space. I hope this helps.

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MissingLucy

It really does help, thank you. I don't know how you have the energy or space in your brain to do it given that you've lost your mum. I can't even imagine functioning. It's hard enough now. 

I think some people expect that, because I'm going to work, I should be on the mend. You know? I work in HR for a fairly large firm and it's fast paced. I'm on the go all the time. But the reality is, it's like stepping outside myself for a bit. Like an escape. I can't think about me or Lucy (except for a few brief moments here and there) because there's so much else going on.

Can relate to the sport thing too. I didn't even realise the rugby was on TV yesterday, which is like, apocalypse level stuff. (Tongue in cheek, but you get my point).

I sort of feel like my life has taken a different road now, which is daft because I always knew that I would outlive her. But the plans and hopes and things I wanted before are just...meh. I don't want them anymore. I could imagine me ending up a bitter twisted old woman, living on her own, having driven away everyone that once loved her. Save for the seven dogs that I'll have...maybe not seven. Don't think I'll earn enough for a house big enough for seven. Think I'm losing my marbles a little bit.

Like you said though, no heavy drinking, nothing destructive. So it could be worse.

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KeyLimePie1

No problem and thanks for your kind words. I have always found writing to be therapeutic when I am going through a hard time. I used to keep journals when I was going through difficult periods.

I totally understand what you mean when you think others around you have unrealistic expectations of how you should be feeling, and where you are at with your grief. It's tough I know, and I'm always wondering what other people are thinking or saying, but I have to remind myself it's not them going through the loss, it's us. Grief affects everyone differently, everyone has a different way of dealing with it. There's no right or wrong way to think or feel. Grief is unique to us all, the connections we have with our loved ones and our pets are all unique bonds. We can only deal with it in our own time.  I guess in your work situation, you have a distraction there, but there's always a quiet time when you get home and that's when you process your thoughts and feelings again. 

I totally understand how you feel with your future plans. I'll be completely honest, right now there are some times where I feel I could give everything I have up. None of the things I have matter to me anymore. I don't feel like dealing with friends, because they can't relate and I always have it in my head they have unrealistic expectations of how I should be. I now have thoughts the world is a very superficial place, and superficial and material things that please most of us in normal circumstances, no longer matter to me now. I could quite happily throw my possessions in the bin. 

But I have to remind myself that if mum was here - she would be very upset if she saw I threw everything I have away. I know I can't do that, and I won't allow myself to do that, but I totally understand your thoughts and feelings because I've had them. I'm no expert, but I'd say it was all perfectly normal for people in our situation. These events are life-changing, and all we can do is deal with our grief and try and find the right workarounds for us, whatever they may be. Nothing or no one can ever replace what we have sadly lost.

The fact you are still able to work deserves a huge amount of credit - you must have some strength somewhere even if you don't necessarily feel it. I don't feel capable of dealing with work at the moment, so I respect the fact you have found the strength to do it. Give yourself some credit and be kind to yourself. You will get there but only in your own time, and only when you are 100% ready to take the next step.

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MissingLucy

I sometimes think of starting a journal but then I think 'ugh, do I have to explain everything that's happened to me up to now?!' So then I veto it & don't bother...

I get you. It's like people think that they grieved for their mum/dad/auntie/dog/cat/etc for x time so this is what you should do too. And now that time is passed so buck up and back on the merrygoround. I've had it with my SO and his 'you really should...' phrases. I don't reply when his messages start with that but I can feel my temper building. And yeah, getting home is the worst. Go, go, go all day. Then home and she's not there. We didn't walk - she was not steady on her legs for a while. But she loved the back door to be open so she could watch the world go by in the garden. She'd be in and out all evening. Now I get home and lock the door.Often go to bed early even though I don't sleep well, because....well....why be up?

I'm sorry you feel like that about your future. I get it. Feeling it. But I'm sorry you're there too. It's a **** place to be. I've always been pretty cynical. Always thought the world is bleak. That most people were superficial. That there really isn't much to look forward to. I'm kind of just allowing autopilot to do its thing right now; if it wasn't for that- well, don't want to think about that.

Do you ever think of maybe reinventing yourself? Moving somewhere else? Doing something completely different? I think if I had my time again, I would have gone to work abroad in some of the animal sanctuaries. You know, where you work for your board. 

Thank you...but like I said, it's autopilot! It's almost like I'm not really there. If it wasn't so busy, I'd probably crumble. 

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nothingness
6 hours ago, MissingLucy said:

Do you ever think of maybe reinventing yourself? Moving somewhere else? Doing something completely different?

 

This is where I'm at right now, actually. I've been through so much trauma in my life. I've had PTSD for over a decade and it's just been one trauma on top of another on top of another. This one was the last straw. I'm done. I can't take it anymore. It is so ridiculous that so many traumatic events can occur at such a frequent rate to one person. I don't even feel like I live in reality anymore. It's like I'm part of some kind of social experiment to see how much suffering one human can endure.

I've basically come to the conclusion that the last thing I can try to do is just start completely over. Move to another country, leave my profession, sell my house, get rid of everything I own and just start over. If that doesn't work. If this trauma train continues, then I'll just off myself. I'm tired and I have no energy for this anymore.

I've been looking at real estate in France and I'm mailing out the passport renewal forms tomorrow with expedited processing fees. I plan to go to France for a couple weeks as soon as my passport is ready. I'm going to look around for a new home. I don't have a lot of hope that this will work but there's really nothing else to try at this point. I've spent the last 15 years in therapy to try to recover from the traumas that already occurred before this. It's impossible to even process one before the next one happens.

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MissingLucy
2 hours ago, nothingness said:

 it's just been one trauma on top of another on top of another.

I'm so sorry. I know what that's like. There was a period in my life like that, where it felt like the universe or something was trying to get me to take my own life, in some sick twisted joke. It's not as bad now in as much as the hits seem to have a break between them. But I get how you feel, where you're at.

Moving to another country is incredibly brave. I don't think I'd have the courage to do it. Could be just what you need. A complete do-over. No one knows anything, unless you tell them; you can be exactly who you choose to. I think it sounds amazing in theory, I'm just not brave enough to pull it off. If a move to France is your next step in life, I wish you every success. I really hope it works out for you.

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19 hours ago, MissingLucy said:

My mother is laying the guilt on hard though, telling me I definitely shouldn't get another as I'm at work all day (she doesn't believe in doggy day care) and so it would be unfair on the dog

Wow.  All I'm hearing is what OTHERS think!  If left to your own, what would YOU do?  That's what matters here.  Follow your heart.  Praying for you, I know this is hard.

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18 hours ago, MissingLucy said:

Is it normal to feel kind of annoyed with a significant other?

Yes.  When you read all of the countless stories in LOSS OF LOVE RELATIONSHIP at griefhealing.com (I've read/responded to them all) you see a pattern and there are definitely classic grief responses and often times people can't deal with a relationship at the same time as grieving, wanting to either break up or take some space.  NOT EVERYONE responds in this way but enough do that it can be considered a classic grief response.  We have nothing left in us to deal with others.  We are taxed to the max!

18 hours ago, MissingLucy said:

I sort of feel like my life has taken a different road now, which is daft because I always knew that I would outlive her.

But this isn't about what our brain knows, grief is very much FEELINGS so it makes sense to me that you feel as you do regardless of what you "know."

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10 hours ago, nothingness said:

I'm going to look around for a new home

As long as you are not running from things, because that never works.  But if a fresh start is what you need, and I'm sure you've given a lot of thought to this so it's more than just impulse or reaction to loss, I wish you the best with it!  I hope you'll keep us posted on how you're doing...

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21 hours ago, MissingLucy said:

I sometimes think of starting a journal but then I think 'ugh, do I have to explain everything that's happened to me up to now?!' So then I veto it & don't bother...

I get you. It's like people think that they grieved for their mum/dad/auntie/dog/cat/etc for x time so this is what you should do too. And now that time is passed so buck up and back on the merrygoround. I've had it with my SO and his 'you really should...' phrases. I don't reply when his messages start with that but I can feel my temper building. And yeah, getting home is the worst. Go, go, go all day. Then home and she's not there. We didn't walk - she was not steady on her legs for a while. But she loved the back door to be open so she could watch the world go by in the garden. She'd be in and out all evening. Now I get home and lock the door.Often go to bed early even though I don't sleep well, because....well....why be up?

I'm sorry you feel like that about your future. I get it. Feeling it. But I'm sorry you're there too. It's a **** place to be. I've always been pretty cynical. Always thought the world is bleak. That most people were superficial. That there really isn't much to look forward to. I'm kind of just allowing autopilot to do its thing right now; if it wasn't for that- well, don't want to think about that.

Do you ever think of maybe reinventing yourself? Moving somewhere else? Doing something completely different? I think if I had my time again, I would have gone to work abroad in some of the animal sanctuaries. You know, where you work for your board. 

Thank you...but like I said, it's autopilot! It's almost like I'm not really there. If it wasn't so busy, I'd probably crumble. 

I understand where you're coming from. You have to be in the right frame of mind to write journals, I can't say I write one every day. I just write one whenever I feel like it, it might be once a month, once every few months even. I definitely find that writing and conversing on here helps me when I am in that frame of mind. 

I am always thinking that my friends and work colleagues expect me to be further ahead with dealing with my grief. I can just sort of tell with the questions and the responses I get when I honestly say how I am feeling. I have never been a person who pretends I'm OK when I'm not. When I've had problems in the past or I've felt down, I've always been up front and just said "no I don't feel great today". People can also see it all over my face because I show my feelings, I'm one of those people who always gets told 'what's up today, you look miserable'. I get told to 'smile' - that irritated me. When I was at work in our office, there were some days I would go and find a quiet room to work in to isolate from colleagues so I didn't get constantly asked what was wrong. I just wanted space, and some peace and quiet.

It's incredibly upsetting to come home and not be able to do what you used to do. I haven't been out often recently, but last week I went and did some shopping and then went for a walk. I got home late evening about 9pm, and it was going dark. I let myself back into the house and immediately it hit me that mum would have been sat in her chair watching TV. We'd have had a chat about the day. I realised the house was dark and it was empty, just me and our pet cat, and it brought it all home to me again that we would never do that again. It brought me down too - so I can totally understand your feelings there. You are only human and it's understandable to be feeling how you are.

It feels impossible right now, and dealing with the grief is life-changing and is the hardest thing we as humans have to go through. Grief really is a price we pay for loving someone, and that includes our pets. We invest so much care and love, and when we can't do that anymore, we are bound to feel like we do.  Pets are family, I fervently believe this. However, despite the despair we feel, we have already hit rock bottom and I just try and think to myself that 'we can't sink any lower now'. We can only get better - but it's not going to happen overnight, and we shouldn't put unnecessary pressure on ourselves to get there quicker. We have to be patient with ourselves, however long it takes us. We can only take things day by day, long term thinking is unthinkable right now. We have to be kind to ourselves. There's always a glimmer of hope somewhere even when we don't feel there is. 

Since mum passed away, I have already had thoughts about getting a place of my own somewhere on the other side of town. I am comfortable enough for now, but I know long term I will need a fresh start. There are too many memories here, mostly happy of course, but this is life-changing and I can't envisage anyone else living in this house. I am currently single and if I met someone, I'm not sure I'd want them to live here with me. I see this as mine and my mum's space. It will be very sad to leave it one day, but there's no easy option whatever we decide to do. At the same time, we can't make rash decisions that we might regret later on. The most important thing we can do right now is to work through our grief, find people to talk to who do understand, and deal with it in our own time. 

I hope you are doing as well as you can be today. Please take care and keep talking - I like others on here will always be here to listen and help as best as I can.

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MissingLucy
4 hours ago, KayC said:

Wow.  All I'm hearing is what OTHERS think!  If left to your own, what would YOU do?  That's what matters here.  Follow your heart.  Praying for you, I know this is hard.

Honestly? I don't know. Had a call from the vet's earlier - Lucy's ashes are back. I'll go and collect her after work tomorrow. Will be incredibly difficult & likely set me back

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MissingLucy
4 hours ago, KayC said:

Yes.  When you read all of the countless stories in LOSS OF LOVE RELATIONSHIP at griefhealing.com (I've read/responded to them all) you see a pattern and there are definitely classic grief responses and often times people can't deal with a relationship at the same time as grieving, wanting to either break up or take some space.  NOT EVERYONE responds in this way but enough do that it can be considered a classic grief response.  We have nothing left in us to deal with others.  We are taxed to the max!

But this isn't about what our brain knows, grief is very much FEELINGS so it makes sense to me that you feel as you do regardless of what you "know."

I'm relieved to see this. I truly thought that I was being awful to him. That maybe my feelings had changed for some inexplicable reason. That my annoyance was due to some fundamental shift in feelings that had occurred under the radar, while I wasn't looking. I guess I can maybe just wait it out and try and moderate my responses to him. He doesn't deserve my being an asshole. 

Weird thing about the second part - I'd been in 'anticpatory grief' for some time now. SO and I took Lucy to a new forest for a walk some time last year. Wen restrictions had lifted enough that we could go walk outside further away than a mile in your own neighbourhood or whatever. She loved it but was very slow and it had me start to reminisce over how she and I used to go running together. Right there, in the middle of the wood, I broke down. I knew she was coming into her final years/months. I had no idea that it would another year. But I was already kinda grieving. I should've been more prepared. I wasn't. Nothing prepared me for the hit.

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MissingLucy

@GribbleMC1 I'm very much like that - I say it like it is, if I'm not ok, I'll say so. If my mouth doesn't say it, my face will give it away. It's not deliberate, it's just how I am.

And yeah, you definitely do get that, unfortunately. It permeates everything. Every aspect of my life revolved around my dog. Which means I'm just left hovering wondering what to do now.

I understand the thoughts of moving completely. I've been wanting to move for a while. But I'm staying put now. For a bit. I can't even think of moving, it's too much. I'm going to try and pay down some debts, get a deposit saved up. See if I can buy my forever home (I rent right now). Because then I can plant a tree in my garden and I can lay Lucy to rest there. And I can go visit her and talk to her whenever I want/need to.

I'm doing as well as I can today. Tomorrow.....tomorrow will be difficult.

I hope you are ok.

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On 6/28/2021 at 6:31 PM, MissingLucy said:

Was back at work today. World keeps turning, keeps going. Almost as though the biggest part of my world hasn't left. I put the brave face on, did my job. My voice is hoarse though. Coming home was horrible. No need to go to my mother's and pick her up. She's not there. House is empty and cold. Not temperature cold, but the cold of no-dog. I feel empty. Like the lights went out. 

The other half will probably want to video chat tonight as we don't live together. I don't want to. I'm not sure if that says anything significant or just a symptom of the grief. 

I wish I went with her.

Today was my first day back at work since my best boy died and I completely sympathize with you. Like you, I put on the brave face and got through it. But getting into my car at the end of the day and driving home knowing he's not going to be there to greet me when I walk in, it almost made me want to turn the car around. I've been trying to put into words all evening that feeling I've been having since I got back and you've described it perfectly - it's so cold. Home is just a big cold empty space now.

Take care of yourself ♥

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1 minute ago, CM255 said:

Today was my first day back at work since my best boy died and I completely sympathize with you. Like you, I put on the brave face and got through it. But getting into my car at the end of the day and driving home knowing he's not going to be there to greet me when I walk in, it almost made me want to turn the car around. I've been trying to put into words all evening that feeling I've been having since I got back and you've described it perfectly - it's so cold. Home is just a big cold empty space now.

Take care of yourself ♥

You got through it though, kudos for that. I know exactly how hard that is. And of course, if people know why you were off, you get questions, sympathetic words, pitying looks. Just makes it hurt all the more. I know people mean well. But it doesn't help. I'm not entirely sure what is best really. Because it isn't acknowledged, it feels heartless.

Cold is exactly it. My house has been cold since 25th. And we've had some pretty warm days since then. The house is cold. And I am lost. But I pick up my girl's ashes tomorrow, so at least she'll be home again. Man, that's gonna be so hard.

I really hope you're doing ok. We're here - there's some seriously nice people on here that truly understand the depth of the grief we're going through. Please don't suffer alone.

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I know how you're feeling. Had to get my fur-baby put to sleep. He was in too much pain, couldn't come up the steps anymore (had to carry him) and couldn't control his bladder.He was constantly crying and I wasn't able to help. I miss him so much, it's incredible pain inside. It's been two weeks and I still have bouts of crying  and I seem to search for him everywhere. Grieving is slowing "dying" inside. Can't seem to find help around me who understands me. He was my companion and I feel so lost without him

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21 hours ago, MissingLucy said:

I should've been more prepared. I wasn't. Nothing prepared me for the hit.

Nothing does.  Nothing can.  There's no way but straight through this, pain and all.  I wish I could tell you a way to circumvent the pain but there isn't, if there was I surely would have found it by now!  My life seems to be grief/loss/hardship these latter years.  Just once I'd like something to look forward to, hope for.  My only bright light is Kodie.  But still I mourn Arlie and so many other I've lost over the years.  Yes it's the price for loving but I would not have done away with one moment with him.

Someone talked about this song in relation to grief yesterday on our loss of spouse section, with this very discussion.  The words very much relate to it.

 

21 hours ago, CM255 said:

Home is just a big cold empty space now.

(((hugs)))

1 hour ago, Louise A said:

I know how you're feeling. Had to get my fur-baby put to sleep. He was in too much pain, couldn't come up the steps anymore (had to carry him) and couldn't control his bladder.He was constantly crying and I wasn't able to help. I miss him so much, it's incredible pain inside. It's been two weeks and I still have bouts of crying  and I seem to search for him everywhere. Grieving is slowing "dying" inside. Can't seem to find help around me who understands me. He was my companion and I feel so lost without him

I am so sorry, Louise.  Words are inadequate...I know the loss/pain/grief/pain all too well.  :wub:

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21 hours ago, MissingLucy said:

You got through it though, kudos for that. I know exactly how hard that is. And of course, if people know why you were off, you get questions, sympathetic words, pitying looks. Just makes it hurt all the more. I know people mean well. But it doesn't help. I'm not entirely sure what is best really. Because it isn't acknowledged, it feels heartless.

Cold is exactly it. My house has been cold since 25th. And we've had some pretty warm days since then. The house is cold. And I am lost. But I pick up my girl's ashes tomorrow, so at least she'll be home again. Man, that's gonna be so hard.

I really hope you're doing ok. We're here - there's some seriously nice people on here that truly understand the depth of the grief we're going through. Please don't suffer alone.

Thanks, and same to you. It's tough but we got through it. 

I've found that if they don't own a pet, they just can't comprehend the loss that we feel. I tried to explain it to some people around me, but it's like I'm speaking a foreign language. They just don't get it, so I've given up. 

I'm really sorry I didn't get a chance to reply to you sooner but I hope that as difficult as today will be for you, that you find a little bit of comfort in having her back in your home again. And cry when you need to cry, just let it all out because you have to. I've discovered this over the past week, they tears keep coming and now I just let them. It's easier to let it happen than to try and keep it together. 

Thank you and I hope you're doing okay also. It's so hard but as you said the people on here are lovely, this forum has been a blessing. Take care. 

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4 hours ago, Louise A said:

I know how you're feeling. Had to get my fur-baby put to sleep. He was in too much pain, couldn't come up the steps anymore (had to carry him) and couldn't control his bladder.He was constantly crying and I wasn't able to help. I miss him so much, it's incredible pain inside. It's been two weeks and I still have bouts of crying  and I seem to search for him everywhere. Grieving is slowing "dying" inside. Can't seem to find help around me who understands me. He was my companion and I feel so lost without him

I'm so sorry. It'll be two weeks on Friday for me. I know exactly how it is. I'm currently trying to see the keys as I type but my eyes are leaking. The chasm left behind is vast and cannot be filled by oceans, though I've cried enough tears to fill them. 

We understand you here; you're welcome here. 

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3 hours ago, KayC said:

Nothing does.  Nothing can.  There's no way but straight through this, pain and all.  I wish I could tell you a way to circumvent the pain but there isn't, if there was I surely would have found it by now!  My life seems to be grief/loss/hardship these latter years.  Just once I'd like something to look forward to, hope for.  My only bright light is Kodie.  But still I mourn Arlie and so many other I've lost over the years.  Yes it's the price for loving but I would not have done away with one moment with him.

Someone talked about this song in relation to grief yesterday on our loss of spouse section, with this very discussion.  The words very much relate to it.

 

(((hugs)))

I am so sorry, Louise.  Words are inadequate...I know the loss/pain/grief/pain all too well.  :wub:

I wish you could too. It feels never-ending. 

Likewise, I'd never have given up my time with Lucy, even knowing the pain I feel now. I'd go through double this to have my time with her. Like you said to Louise in your next comment - words are inadequate - to describe the depth of love for them and the depth of loss and grief. Nothing I say will ever do her justice.

Funny....everyone thinks they have the best dog (or cat) in the world....and none of them are wrong.

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MissingLucy
3 hours ago, CM255 said:

Thanks, and same to you. It's tough but we got through it. 

I've found that if they don't own a pet, they just can't comprehend the loss that we feel. I tried to explain it to some people around me, but it's like I'm speaking a foreign language. They just don't get it, so I've given up. 

I'm really sorry I didn't get a chance to reply to you sooner but I hope that as difficult as today will be for you, that you find a little bit of comfort in having her back in your home again. And cry when you need to cry, just let it all out because you have to. I've discovered this over the past week, they tears keep coming and now I just let them. It's easier to let it happen than to try and keep it together. 

Thank you and I hope you're doing okay also. It's so hard but as you said the people on here are lovely, this forum has been a blessing. Take care. 

I think, people are either animal lovers, or they're not. If they are, they get it. If they're not, I give up. Because they don't. Some have looked at me like I've got two heads when I try to explain the relationship I had with Lucy. Or they tell me it's weird. I just shrug and go my own way.

No need to apologise. No need at all. I picked her up after work, dropped by my folks' to collect a couple of parcels and went home. Then promptly collapsed in a mess of ugly-crying. It's abated to quietly weeping now. I just can't wrap my head around the fact that my dog is in this box. It's just...so wrong. So very wrong. I'm going to buy her a proper urn, a nice one. And will likely fall apart when I have to transfer her across. She's reduced down to this...just kills me.

Sorry...this was harder than I thought; picking her up. 

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I am so sorry, I can relate to what you wrote.  I didn't have Arlie cremated because our county just has mass cremations and I couldn't be guaranteed I'd have HIM, maybe only bits of him and other people's dogs!  So we buried him.  He was a big boy, my son had to use an auger to dig, broke it, it was August, the ground was hard.  They didn't have a body bag big enough so put a blanket around him, it fell away, uncovering his head.  I kissed it.  His sweet beautiful face that I'd never see again.

I have to believe we'll be together again.  What would be the point of heaven without my Arlie?!

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We buried Brownay in our yard also.  He was well over 100 pounds - all love as I used to tell him. It was incredibly hard to let him go but I know where he's buried and I can go there as much as I want when I feel like talking to him .  I miss him so much at times I feel my heart will stop. As the song goes: it's a big old empty house , where there used to be a home, I can relate to. Just coming home without him greeting me just breaks my heart. I'm sure we'll see each other again in heaven, I truly believe it. I'm sure God will see to it, I've asked Him plenty of times in my prayers.

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